When You Came In, The Air Went Out.

You know it's time for a blog when all you can do is cry and wish it was the weekend again.

This is the 200th.

I miss you. Alot. We weren't even that close. You were always closer with the boys, even my mum said so. She always spoke about how her two bothers got 'special treatment' where as her and her sisters were always kind of second best. I always just assumed that's the way of a man of your generation, like the whole fiasco when we were told that my cousin is gay. We didn;t get to meet his partner (who he has been with for a year) because you did not approve. No one would have had the balls to tell you that your views were as dated as you were. God, I hate saying that, "as you were".
It still hasn't sunk in. It's been almost 3 months and still, I don't believe it. The hardest thing is when I remember you in the hospital, you couldn't move or talk. I was the only one that didn;t cry. I think, if you could have told me at the time, you would have been proud of me for being so strong. You were never one for letting your emotions get the better of you. I'm just glad you can't see me now. Well, no, that's wrong. I'd love for you to see me now. I think I'll go and see you soon.
You're just the kind of man that I'd expect to live forever.
I only saw you once after that time I visited in the hospital. You were excellent when I saw you, you were up, walking mumbling away. You noticed that my jumper had a big cross on it and gave me a big thumbs up, you thought it was like the scottish flag. God, there I go with the past tense again. This is actually killing me.

But all I can think, is if this is how horrible I feel, my Mum, my Gran must feel a thousand times worse.

Is there not a point where people 'move on' and all that lark? When does that happen? What do I need to do? 'Cause I've sat with the photo albums out, I've done the crying on end, I've reminiced. What am I meant to do to get all of this out of my system?

I am sick of acting like it's not a problem, sick of stupid 'one to one' sessions with stupid tutors that know fuck all, sick of "I'm sorry for your loss"s and "I know how you feel"s. I just want it all to go away. Make it go away.

I don't even know anything anymore. I'm sure this is normal but it can't be.