Isn't It Funny.

I just started listening to Dan Le Sac vs. Scroobius Pip - The Beat That My Heart Skipped, it reminds me of all the parties that have been this year. I like how you associate things with times, my Paris Hilton perfume gives me a funny feeling when I wear it because I went through a month of wearing it but I haven't yet figured out when that was... But yes, The Beat That My Heart Skipped was the party anthem for us lot, "bom bom bom bady ba, bady bady ba dom ba dom bom bom"?

Parties are very important to me as socialising is something that comes top on my important list. I need to sort ot my important list, it goes something like;

• Socialising
• Clothes, Make up and Generally looking my best
• Food
• Internet

And the rest just happens. My life has never been in an order, something to do with my 'living in the moment' idea and the fact that I'm too lazy to sort it all out. I'm so lazy. It's getting quite rediculous really.

How am I going to get anywhere in life if I stick to this "you can do it instead" kind of thinking? I'll get nowhere. All I want though is to just doddle along and do things at my own pace.

Have I told you about all the things I want to do? Like bungee jumping and going to Portugal and all that... Silly things really, I should be worrying about my life as it is and the life ahead of me. It's never been in my nature to worry though, even when It was the last day to finish our art folios, me and Sarah just sat there and relaxed with not a care in the world. I got a C... maybe I should of cared?

How To Be Happy.

I'm reading a web page, first thing that comes up when you type "be happy" into Google (the second being the song) and it's making alot of good points, such as;

• Say what you mean and mean what you say. Honesty really is the best policy.


• Be politely assertive. Say how you feel and explain what you want. Friends and colleagues can't be mind readers.


• Give lots of compliments. You will make others feel good about themselves and find that this gives you pleasure too.


• Give small gifts to your friends. To give is even more pleasurable than to receive.


• If you are a woman, get your hair done. This will always make you feel better about yourself.
  
• Stretch yourself geographically. Go to places you've never seen before. Even in your home town, try taking a different route than usual and notice the different locations that you've never seen before.

These are some of the things I think I would do if I found myself really depressed and in need of a lift! Say what I mean, be polite, try and give a few compliments, give my friends something nice, get my hair done and go places. So, when I've completely lost my marbles and escaped from my secret little place you should know that you can find me at the hair dressers looking for places to go on holiday.

Some of the advice that this site gives, I think, sounds like a load of nonsence...

• One way of dealing with a difficult problem is to imagine how you will feel about that problem next week, next month, next year. Now try to bring those feelings into the present. It will give you a sense of perspective. Problems rarely look so formidable in retrospect.

I wouldn't like to do this if I was really not happy, because I'm sure all I'd be able to imagine is things becoming worse and me living out of a cardboard box and getting beat up... or something along those lines.

It also says;

• If you're down, remember it could be a lot worse. If you need reminding, read "Still Me" by Christopher Reeve (quadriplegic) or "The Diving Bell And The Butterfly" by Jean-Dominique Baulby (locked-in syndrome)

If I'm upset, I am not going to take a few days out of my what seems 'pointless life' to read a couple of books. How will it help? I will have read; big fucking deal!

It also says I should;

• More importantly than anything else, live with a partner whom you love and respect and who feels the same about you. Kiss and cuddle and compliment often and regularly buy unexpected little gifts.
  
• When you're old enough and in a steady relationship, have a son or a daughter. Tell them often how much you love and admire him/her and do anything to help him/her.
  
• Have a cat or a dog. Stroke often.
  
• Keep in close touch with relatives and a small circle of friends. You can't beat their love and support.

Okay okay, slow down the train here. I do believe this site is now telling be that, for me to be happy, I need to find someone I love and live with them, kiss them and cuddle them all the time, get up the duff and tell my child how awesome they are, get some pets?! And lastly, make sure I don't lose touch with my family and keep an active social life. That last statement is the only one I think I can agree with.

Some people enjoy their own company and do not need anyone else to make them happy. Myself, I know I do not need to be in a relationship to be happy and I certainly don't need the hastle of seeing them every day. I need to have children?! That was thing I was set on not doing! All kids would do is spend my money and get me stressed. Animals in the house... that is just an instant mess, poop and pee, hair everywhere, and again, they cost money. Most people move out to avoid their parents, why would you go and seek contact with them? They dragged you down for so long!

One thing that I think is awefully blunt is;

• Conversely, if there is a person in your life who is a negative influence and who is dragging you down in some way, don't be afraid to get remove such a person from your life.

I have a few negative friends, getting rid of them mearly to keep myself happy would just be selfish and mean! Imagine how they'd feel? It might send them into a pit of depression, and imagine if they came to this stupid site for advice, they'd end up killing themselves. I don't want my friends to die, I'm not going to leave them for my benifit.

http://www.rogerdarlington.me.uk/Happy.html
Go and look at the site for yourself.
The site makes a point of saying that these are not instructions, they are just suggestions but then says, I quote!
"However, if you try out all these suggestions and you're still not happy, you're either an android or an alien. In the former case, see an electronics engineer - or watch "Blade Runner". In the latter case, go home to your own planet and tell your people that we humans will survive."... I find this rather insulting to be perfectly honest. Imagine being really unhappy and reading that, would push you off the edge!

I have decided that to be happy, all I need is myself. If I lose myself, I am in big trouble.

For Your Benifit.

After the last blog, I thought it might be safe to say that I broadcasted some un neccessary information and now I realise that it wasn't needed but I think I should be able to say some things without regretting them shortly after.

Seeing as I don't regret anything in my life I'm not going to be worried about what people will think of the idea of self harm ect ect. What do I think abotu it? It's not bad. Ironically enough, I think that as long as you're being safe, it's fine. I love it when someone says "i've been cutting myself" everyone freaks out and tells them to stop. Take a chill pill, obviously they've only told you because they crave attention, why else did they tell you? They haven't asked for help to stop and really, only they can stop.

I didn't do it as an attention thing, I get plenty of attention. Mine was a more of a control thing. At that time in my life, when I was being young and stupid, I felt that everything else was out of my control and I had nothing that was mine. This I could control, without anyone interfiering.

Eventually they did, my parents found out and asked me to stop, and I did because it wasn't a very good idea in the first place; my life isn't bad enough for me to be moaning about it.

I'd just like to explain to everyone before they ask; I am not depressed, I am not going to die because of the 'silly' things I have done. I'm perfectly sane and it doesn't effect me as a human being. Bet you half the people you know have given it a bash in their time, and it's always the ones you least expect.

Once Bitten.

"when you say you love me like that

I'm sorry if I don't say it back

some things don't change

and I still feel the same" - still feel the same, Kinkane.

I wanted to explain a little more about me for the benifit of me, no one else. Things seem so much bettter once I've typed them out or written them down, I think it helps me arrange things in my head and understand what I'm actually saying. So let's get Heather, cut her open and slice her up!

A simple girl, in the complicated sense.
Heather has lived in a small place called Helensburgh for a staggering 16 years, soon to be 17. She is, you guessed it, almost 17 years of age. She has done her fair share or bad things, smoking, drinking, self harm, truency, shop lifting, lying and other many silly things. She still does alot of silly things, you can't stop her even if you have her best interests at mind. She's a compulsive liar, see, she honestly cannot help it, alot of the time she doesn't realise she's doing it. She only does bad things because really she's just trying to act out. Don't tell her that, she doesn't think it's because she's acting out but her Mum says so.

Heather's not only done bad you know, she can be good. She likes to help out at her Mums work, a primary school. She doesn't kill people, that's good... Heather's not about being good, she's about living for the moment and doing what makes you happy! So no regrets, do what she does; get lots of boyfriends, get hurt alot, make yourself stronger, go paragliding.

Heather likes alot of simple things, sitting on the grass when it's nice and all that jazz, that's good. She enjoys keeping an active social life, as her Mum has said, "I'd love to be one of your friends, then I'd get the best christmas presents ever". Heather really wants to go bungee jumping and other thrill seaking kind of things. She has never been on a proper roller coaster.

Heather can be a little bit out of sorts sometimes. She also gets into aweful bad moods. She just has good days and bad days. Sometimes she comes off a little crazy and weird, she can't help it sometimes. She's partial to headaches and the common cold.

Heather's put on her myspace, "all i really need is me" because Heather think's she is a big independant girl that can fend for herself and doesn't need your help. She is guite dependant but thats because she likes to deal with things by herself, probably why she turned to self harm those times. She's learned now to talk about things and use places like myspace and here to write about things that are getting her down. Long ago, when things got her down she would write on paper about it and put it in a box. She had to get two boxes to fit all of these bits of paper. Every now and then she takes a few minutes to get thse boxes and re-read everything she has in them.

Heather and love?
Heather doesn't believe in love, she's never properly felt it so it obviously must not exsist. Heather is sick of chasing boys around so she isn't gonig to do that anymore. Heather isn't into relationships.

Heather has a few bad habits, the obvious are that she bites her nails. Not only does she bite them but she also bites all the way around her fingers, so she has really ugly hands. When other people are eating she tends to tell them how ugly and smelly their food is, then apologise because she's realised what she's doing.

Heather just loves to argue, it's something that she's passionate about. She can scream the face off of anyone. Being loud and speaking fast are two things that she really enjoys doing. She's also passionate about working with children, and will most likely go into school work later on in life.

You now know more about Heather than you did before, I can promise you. Heather never does tell anyone the whole truth, so be happy that every now and then a wonderful blog like this pops into exsistance and your wonderful selves get to idugle on the Heather Cameron goodness.

It's Saucey!

I can only try and be saucey.

Today we realised that Heather Cameron cannot be sexy, saucey or seductive. Writing this while the song I'm listining no says "makin' out, getting better and better, makin' out, back seats getting wetter, makin' out, i think i'll take off my sweater" seems rather ironic. Point being, I dont think, act, or feel sexy!

I can't do it, I can't turn you on! I can't turn myself into this sex crazed machine! I'm not sexually inclined, I can't be sexy for no reason, I have no reason to be saucey. If i try to be seductive I just look silly. Imagine me rubbing up against you like "yeeeeaaah, you want a piece of thiiis?", silly, isn't it?

It's not because I don't have any confidence... I'm full of the stuff, I'm one of the most confident people we know. I'm happy with the way I look too. More than happy, I think I look great.

I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I hate that whole sexy thing, the same way I hate it when people are cute, I dont want them being sexy either. I wouldn't like a relationship that is based on us being sexy and getting all sexy and what not. I wouldn't like a relatioship right now, to be honest.

I'm really bad at being a teenage girl. I'm meant to think far too much about what I eat, wear and all that, I'm meant to chase after all of those boys and jump in bed with them and have awesome parties.
I'm just having awesome parties.

"What A Fool Believes

He sees, no wise man has the power"

On my diet of jelly and sugary drinks, I'm feeling the need for something a bit more and right now I think that is a big fat plate of chips. Weither or not I actually do, I believe, is up to fate!

My name is Heather Cameron and I am a big believer of fate.
Don't question it, what's the point? I basically think that what happens, happens for a reason. So let it go, some bitch slaps you across the face, its cool, it was meant to happen. This is where my other strong belief ties in, karma! That bitch slapped you cause you did something bad, what goes around comes around, and the balance is sorted!

I believe I cause a cold because it was fate, I needed a few days off from school to chill and kick back for a while. During these few days I have appeared to have lost my appetite and I am not living on a wonderful diet of jelly tubs and sugary juice, as I mentioned briefly before. Now, I see this as a lovely trick played by fate, thinking that they can punish me by making sure I can't eat, one thing I love doing. Well fate, suck on this, you couldn't be more wrong! I'm loving this, the weight loss should be excellent and surely this is rather cheap? It's all for the better.

But it's taking it's toll, I feel faint and I get the shakes alot. This really gets in the way with school and social life.

Tonight I'm going to go out and have a huge plate of big fattening chips. Even if i throw up, I dont care, because I need the energy! I need substantial amounts of food again. I'm starting to get sick of not getting hungry. Jelly is starting to become sickening too, and that makes me sad...

Girlfriends I Have Been.

"GIRLS WHO ARE BOYS
WHO LIKE BOYS TO BE GIRLS
WHO DO BOYS LIKE THEY'RE GIRLS
WHO DO GIRLS LIKE THEY'RE BOYS
ALWAYS SHOULD BE SOMEONE YOU REALLY LOVE" - Blur, Girls and Boys.

I am currently sitting at my computer with a tall mug of juice, popping painkillers because I have another one of my rediculous headaches that seem to be caused by living, an empty packet of crisps and a mobile phone for company. All of these put me in a great mood for the blog that I am about to write, "girlfriends I have been"... I'm sure you can guess how it is going to go?

Type of girlfriends I hate?
See those needy ones, the ones that are constantly attatched to their boyfriends... I've never liked them. I know it's cute and it's nice to feel needed, but surely a boy doesn't want you to be with him every breathing minute of the day?! Imagine someone following you all the time, talking to you non stop, linking your arm and all that. If someone was to do that to me, I'd need space to breathe, I'd start to feel a bit clostrophobic! I would not like to think that I am one of those girlfriends, that needs to constantly remind people who they are going out with by making it obvious. No need for clingyness here.

In my opinion, I'm more of the opposite of that. I am "the shit girlfriend". Avoiding the boy at all costs, leaching off of the boy, making the boy pay for things. In general, being very nasty. I'm probably subconsiously trying to push the boy away, or so it would seem. I don't mean to, to those of you who are reading this and thinking I am a horrible person, I do it subconsiously! I can't help it most times, which obviously makes me look bad. But think of it this way, I hate it when people give me compliments, I hate it when I feel needed, I hate it when people depend on me (only because I will most likely let them down), I don't particularly feel comfortable with the idea of someone wanting to spend time with me. I am not fishing for compliments, trust me, I don't want anyone to reply with "oooh but you're great, we want to spend time with you", I'm not fussed, I just can't really get my head around it. I'm sure many people get that feeling, right?

I'm not too keen on public displays of affection... But that falls under the same category as those clingy girls. Constantly flaunting your love about the place... There's no need, are you just trying to make the rest of us lonesome chaps jelous? Deliberately making feel like crap, yeah? Well cut it out! I don't like it and neither do alot of people... I think.

Nice to meet you, my name is Heather, consider me a human version of Match Dot Com, I have more fun couplingother people and watching the lovelyness I have created. I can get you a boyfriend but I can't seem to get one myself.

It Was Okay Today.

Today i didn't feel weird/uncomfortable.

I just have a thumping heaadache.

This week is Anti Bullying Week, so don't push people in the corridors or you will get bummed, leave it 'til next week at least. To encourage the new S1 not to bully or let bullying happen we helped them make kites. Don't ask me why, it makes no sense in my head either; making kites stops bullies? No. Helping S1 is one of the best things about school, for me atleast. There's something about a class full of bored pre-teens that makes me want to make them motivated and enthusiastic about a subject! They should be having fun at school without it being a chore.

Doing something that I love, for a whole day, made me happy! The S1's think I'm weird but that's okay, when they get to know me after a while they become more comfortable, as do I. I was having fun, not thinking about what else I could be doing.

See if I could just jump straight into a job, instead of having to go through all of the hastle, and end up a classroom/teachers assistant... that'd be excellent, exactly what I'm looking for really. I realise now that teaching is not something I would enjoy as much as being a classroom asistant. I don't want to order children around, telling them to sit and not move. The money, obviously, is better but I'd get alot more enjoyment from having children treating me as an equal, rather than them being scared of me.

I was happy doing this, but I can't do this all the time. Fags will just have to do in the mean time!

I got rid of my numb feeling for almost ten minutes.

I'd been alright for the period of time I'd spent in my house, which is always okay. Me at the computer with some salt and vinegar Walkers and a Boost bar; complete and utter bliss! At around about ten to six I left this comfortable enviroment to go out in the freezing cold and wait on Tim. As much as Tim annoys me sometimes, I forget why I actually do like him so much! As horrible as that sounds, I don't mean it in a nasty way. Tim came off the train, it was three minutes late; typical.

On the way I had a sneaky cigarette... I've quit for almost two weeks, for those of you who don't know me. The ten minutes it took me (i'm a slow smoker) to have that 'fag' were excellent. I've not felt half as good as that in a week or so. The first drag made me really, really happy. Oh, the way it hits the back of your throat! And that taste it leaves afterwards, as much as I used to hate it, I craved it! I don't want a cigarette right now, I don't need one either, but that feeling was great and I wont be able to go without that feeling. The whole "out of control" feeling was lost. I felt as if my feet were back on the ground, physically, and I chose the direction I was in.

The more I think about it, the more I realise that I could be a "control freak". I don't want to be controlling of people, so maybe I should keep this habit as a vent, my xomething to control.

Just a Thought,

I could do this for days!

If you know me at all, ouyay illway nowkay hattay i ontday riteway hesetay orfar ouryay enifitbay roay ymay enifitbay. I implysay riteway hemtay ecausebay i ancay. I ontday oday tiay otay akemay emay ooklay oolcay, i oday tiay ecause tiay ctsay say a entvay! Now that we've got that out of the way I shall carry on.

It's another one of those days. Today I tried explaining to a couple of my friends about this "out of control" feeling i mentioned before. It was when we were on the swings in James Street Park that i got it again. Don't confuse this with "out of body", because i don't see myself from another perspective or anything... It's more of a numb feeling, but my point is that i really don't like it! It's so hard to explain. So if those friends, that i was with today, read this; that's what i meant by "I feel funny...", okay?

It's one of the worst feeling in the world. Like a feeling of not belonging. I have been in places today that I definetly don't not belong (i know, double negative, but it's intentional!), so there's no reason for me to feel like this, surely?

"When the world is darker than i can understand,
When nothing turns out the way I planned,
When the sky turns grey and there's no end in sight,
When I can't sleep through the lonely night.
I turn to you, like a flower leaning toward the sun.
I turn to you 'cause you're the only one.
Who can turn me around when I'm upside down?
I turn to you. "

I'm probably just being far too much of a girl. Women seem to do this more than men, turn little tiny things into mountain sized deals! When really it is quite pointless, if you think about it... So what? Sometimes i feel funky! Sometimes I feel numb. Sometimes I feel as if I don't belong here. But this is all a rather big deal to me, I wa't my life to be just perfect. I'll be perfect when i'm famous!

Uncomfortable.

Right now things don't feel quite right.

Do you ever get that way? Where everything you do feels like a dream? I don't mean a dream like something you've always wanted, i mean a dream, like when you're asleep, something you can't control. It makes me feel slightly ill, this bizarre undescribable feeling. I feel slightly out of control. I've never seen myself as a control freek but maybe that's what i am lacking? Maybe i should be more controlling? Maybe i should stop asking for advice from a keyboard.

Things just don't feel right, I must be doing something wrong! I can tell that this isn't the way things should be, something has to change. I do not feel happy, content at the moment. I'm missing something, i need motivation. I wouldn't mind finding something to do, something i'm good at, but all i want to do is be young!

I want to go paragliding again and go bungee jumping and sleep for a week straight and get really drunk for a weekend and have a big sleepover and not have to go to school... I want to be famous. It's the solution to all of my problems! It's easy money, money is obviously the main problem, i'd get the attention i needed, i'd meet loads of new people. If i could have anything, it'd be fame...

We never get what we want though, do we? Hardly ever. But right now I'm feeling so bizarre, all because the things i have aren't the things i should be working for.