Say, say, say.

All alone I sit home by the phone waiting for you, baby.

Taking a fortnight off work with only myself for company might be one of my worst ideas. Grats, 'Delilah', you've done it again. Being left home alone with nothing but my thoughts has driven me mad. I'm actually looking forward to going back to work! Just to get out of my own head.

I keep expecting the diamond in the rough to be right under my nose. I've been on dates with all sorts of average Joe's recently.

I've found a Mr. Right-Now for the mean time. Even though he has no future plans, no sleep pattern, no milk in the fridge... he's the only thing I can rely on right now. One of the most un-organised guys I've ever met is the only stable thing I've got going.

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

On my own.

True to form, I only ever come here when I'm sad.

I don't think 'sad' cuts it these days. I'm just going plain crazy.

I finally got to a point where I was sure of what I wanted. I wanted to be back in a serious, long term kind of relationship. I wanted to meet the person that makes my life a little better, easier. The one that makes me a better person and makes me feel good about who I am.

Then I had an epiphany, that I was unnaturally attached to my ex. My 'bestie'. It wasn't good for me. It was stopping me from getting to that happy couple kind of place. I was still emotionally invested in what we had without actually having him. Isn't that fucked up? I'm so fucked up.
So now I'm keeping my distance. For my own good.

But now I just feel lonely. I'm in a terrible place. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm finding someone by chatting up all these guys online, having a million first dates that don't go anywhere. This isn't how it's going to happen.

I need to be happy with myself. I'm stupid to think someone else is going to tell me I'm a good person and I'll start believing it. I need to believe it, on my own.

The Niceness.

Let me explain 'the niceness'.

Closely relates to the 3 text rule, The Niceness was invented by my ex and I. The Niceness is a text received when you're asleep, so you have something to read in the morning. Our Niceness started off as something cute, always from him to me (because of his awkward sleeping pattern).

It then included The 3 Text Rule. A rule that, if you get 3 texts in a row without replying, the sender wants to bum you.

A combination 3 Text Rule/Niceness became a daily thing. From him, to me. It then became tradition that throughout the day (while he was asleep) I would reply to each text.

Over the course of our relationship, the 3 Text Rule stayed but lost its 'niceness', becoming random messages. Eventually it's be one message each night, usually irrelevant. Then one day it just stopped.

Change.

Another couple of months have passed without me visiting here. I'm starting to interpret this as a positive, long winded blog posts used to be my way of venting. I was a lot younger then.

I was thinking of an old friend, which reminded me of this blog. An ex, actually. My very first 'boyfriend', I was thinking about how unbelievably 'in love' I was. I enjoyed those times, when the only thing that mattered was my own sadness. Is that ridiculous? I was at an age in my life, I thought the world would end because I couldn't have the boy I wanted. Oh, how things are different these days! About 8 years later and I am so cold hearted. If he could see me now, I don't think he'd realise who I am.

I wonder if there's anything about me that's remotely like the person I was before. I understand we all grow up but I feel like I've changed personality. I'm much nastier. I'm emotionally unavailable to an extreme.

"Listen, I'll tell you a secret. If I should ever feel like going home, I'd jump so I could fly. I'd be the one with every piece of sand, with every mountain high. Don't tell me I'm wrong, that it breaks your heart, cause that's just the way I feel. I love it here but I don't belong here and it's been clear for a while."

Silence is golden.

I haven't posted anything in over a month. I must be (touch wood) happy? I only ever post when I'm miserable. I was miserable last week but I was so caught up in my own misery that I didn't think to complain about it...

I want to get into the dating scene but I tend to punch below my weight, so I've been told. I'm pretty intimidated by good looking guys, how stupid is that? It's bad judgement on my part, but I assume their all a bit full of themselves.

I go for personality. It's my only non-negotiable.

I need.

I've never felt this lonely. I really want that amazing someone, the someone that will sweep me off my feet. I want the movie romance, the quirky meet-cute... All that cheesy stuff. The kinda stuff that makes you feel ill.

But I can't warm to anyone. I'm a cold person. I can't seem to change the way I am, I've tried. I need someone to be really patient with me, to accept all of my flaws.

I need something good.

Live through this and you won't look back.

3 break ups later... but it's going to be okay, I'm going to be fine.

It's only January and I've already kissed three people, slept with one, had one boyfriend and one break up.
I'm a mess.