Strings That Tie To You.

From the wrinkles on my forehead to the mud upon my shoe, everything's a memory with strings that tie to you. In my dream I'm often running to the place that's out of view of every kind of memory with strings that tie to you. Though a change has taken place and I no longer do adore her, still every God forsaken place is always right around the corner. Now I know it's either them or me so I'll bury every clue and every kind of memory with strings that tie to you... And every kind of memory with strings that tie to you.

Party.

Queens Of The Stone Age – Feel Good Hit of the Summer
"Nicotine, valium, vicodin, marijuana, ecstasy and alcohol... c-c-c-c-cocaine!"

I was at the party. I'm always at the party. I was early to leave, unusual for me but t was a good time. I watched two people vomit infront of me and still love them. I chased a moth with a candle, trying to kill it. I spilt wax on myself atleast 4 times. I let my friends pour wax on me. I let them drag me into the dark, horrible shed and close the door on me. I lay in the middle of the road for about 2 minutes at half past one. I gave my friend my jumper, which is yet to be seen. The things I do for my friends.

I did not kiss any boys in the shed, nor did I suck on their toes. Kapeesh?

Parties are, pretty much, the highlight of my summer. I can't speak for the rest of my friends, but I know they're one thing I look forward to more than anything. I know, you can have fun without drinking but you can have so much more fun when you can't feel your face or walk down stairs without bruising your knees.

There's nothing better than you and a group of people, that don't mind you being the way you are, all around a table enjoying time. Good food, bad booze, cheap fags and some music in the kitchens. It's a good life. It's a good time of the year. All burnt to a crisp, sharing sun block and ice creams.

This summer might not end up half bad.

I Can't Decide;

I can't decide weither to put this:

as my new title picture, or keep the one I have...

They're both very similar, see. Feedback?

Remind Me.

Bold as gold
With the validity of a 'models against mannequins' protest
You're well dressed and yet still so pointless
'Let's obsess! Let's regress!'
'Invest! Invest! Invest!'
'Im not even mad; that's amazing!'
Keep your muscles moving and your mind mincing
You've got your work cut out for you
Oh! How I require so much convincing - Shaant



Well dressed and yet still so pointless.

I almost called him a couple of nights ago. I had the phone, it was in my hand. I had his number on a piece of scrap paper. I was so ready. I had it all in my head, everything I'd say. I pressed the digets. I dialed the number but I didn't wait around to hear the dailing tone. I hung up and put the phone back on the reciever. Pointless.

Why would I want to go and ruin it now? I'm glad my senses kicked in at the right time. I've been doing so well. I've come this far, why turn back? Now of all times, why give up?

Because it's that time of year. It's the summer. The summer's meant for recklessness and making stupid mistakes. Being young. The biggest mistake, the stupidest thing I could do would be to call you up. Maybe that's why I almost did it.

"I could stay with you forever and never realise the time."

This summer is not going to be fun filled, care free, not a break in the slightest. Everyone's going to have to put up with my rambling more often. I'm going to have to deal with my own company for a long time... Not something I look forward to. I'm going to be grouchy, moany, fickle. I'm going to be a pain in absolutely everyones posterior.

Now, Now.

"You don't mean that, say you're sorry. You don't mean that, I'll make you sorry."

I have no words today. Unpleasant feeling.

There was another boy in my dream, again. Brunette this time. They just get better every time they appear. It was at another party, running theme going on, and it was mental. I was serving up drinks to everyone. The boy, who'se name escapes me, wanted one so I offered to go get one. Once I came back with the glass, we realised that he couldn't drink the contents because whatever the drink was... it was bright blue and pink, and it was frozen... So, feeling a bit embarrassed, I went to go find him something drinkable.

There was this other room, with 2 sofas, that I was looking for booze in. When I went in, it god really busy. There were people everywhere, dumping their bags in my way. It took me forever to get out and, when I eventually did, the boy was nowhere to be seen. The room he was in before was mobbed but when I returned it was empty, except for the two people that we both new as mutual friends. I asked them where he was but they just shrugged.

I went through the kitchen to the patio. The garden was lovely, really green and lflowery and big trees everywhere. he was on the patio though, which was a shame, I would have loved to have walked around that garden. I asked him what was wrong and he just walked off. Apparently, in these dreams, I turn into a big girl and start actually caring when people are upset. I chased after him, explaining that the room I was in was full of people and I was having a really hard time trying to get out. Ceiling. I didn't mean to take so long and all the rest of it. Bed covers. I knew this was ending now. Posters. I told him that I was going now, but I don't think anything was getting through now seeing as I was half awake.

I did try my hardest to stay in the garden, stay asleep. I coudn't though.

I vaguely remeber, after all of this I must have fallen asleep, we were with out two friends and we resovled everything, thing's were okay again. "Heather! Get up and do the dishes!", it didn't last long though, I was rudely awakened.

These dreams are starting to happen more often now. Never the same boy twice though, always a new one. I didn't know this ones name, but I know exactly what his face looked like. Atleast if I see him in the street, I'll know it's him. But the chances of that happening are very, very slim.

Things Change.

My Mum bought me new underwear today, not that this is new just, she bought it in the right size. She never buys my clothes in the right size, she always gets them a size up. I'm not sure if she thinks I'm heavier that I am of if it's one of those "you'll grow into it" things... but baggy clothes don't fetch the guys. Maybe that's it, she must know that.

"I love you and your brother more than anything in the world, and I won't leave you right now."
Says the mother to the daughter in Thirteen. Basic story of the movie is, adolescent teen goes off the rails, lying, drinking, smoking, stealing, self harm, you name it, she's done it. Lovely bond between mother and daughter saves the day, everyone's happy.

My mother wasn't like that. She didn't try and hug me when I told her not to. She didn't make me sit down and talk about everything. She didn't try to force some truth out of all my lies. She never asked me what was wrong. I'm so, so happy she never talked to me. Sure, it would have been nice to feel the love and all, but when you've had your own mum sitting on the end of your bed crying her eyes out... once is enough.

It's a horrible thought though, imagine your mum knowing those kind of things about you. "Hey Mum! I stole atleast £5 worth of sweets from Woolies today and then went to Boots to get each and every one of my female friends the new Boujours mascara, I also treated myself to some eyeliner too! And we're all out of tissues, I should have got some of those, seeing as they're scattered all around my room drenched in blood. Next time you leave though, I'll clean it up. Oh! I need money too, I'm going to lie to you about where I'm staying to go sleep over with the boyfriend that I haven't told you about, so yeah, I need money for booze and fags..."

My Mum got none of that. Instead, she got the back lashes. She got all of the "I'm fine"s in the world and sometimes a "Leave me alone! I hate you!". I don't know what's worse.

I was a stupid, stupid girl and I can't believe I treated my own Mum the way I did. Jesus, she's my Mum! I used to tell people that I hated her more than anything in the world. I don't! I love my mum!

I don't think, those years of my life, I was thinking straight. I was not the same person I am now, not in the slightest. Now, it's only half as bad. I only lie about the things that would get me grounded. The fact is, this month I have cost her alot of money. I've been ridiculously clumsy and acted like a dick about it and she still hasn't ripped my head off. My Mum could be a much worse person and I still couldn't blame her... 'cause she's my Mum.

Whats Up?

You just asked me that. What's up... You say it as if you actually give a shit. If you gave a shit, you would have bothered to text me on monday. You even said you would, but I knew you wouldn't and I seem to always be right with you. Not right, far from right, I'm just right in thinking that you're the second biggest letdown I have ever met. I'm half way through a crisis and the only thing you're really interested in is your hair. I thought I was self obsessed.

Just don't give me that crap, atleast, don't pretend to care. Don't let me start to think there is a part of you that wants to spend time with me. I know you don't, it's not like you to spend time with girls because you want to have fun.

I just don't want to become one of those crazy girls that you avoid and always keep sweet just incase she kills you. It's so true though.

I don't know what I'm trying to achive.

"Heather"

"I have this friend, and yeah she is kinda weird but... it works for her, you know?"

It's not working for me anymore. Everything just keeps crashign down, everything is catching up with me. I've not been having a good month, I can't stop crying.

This whole... being weird thing? Yeah, it doesn't get the attention I want anymore, it doesn't get people to look at me, it doesn't make people want to know me now, it's scaring them away. I'm scaring myself. I've been having the weirdest, most horrible thoughts. I've been falling out with people and getting jelous, alot.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm lost.

Daydream.

Not at all in the day, it was last night. Another one.

I didn't get much sleep last night, I was crying uncontrolabley every five minutes. I couldn't keep my eyes closed for too long because I convinced myself there was a girl in my room. She was terrifying, she had no eyes. Being afraid of the dark is a pain.

When I eventaully fell asleep, I ended up at a beach. It was all familiar, I was told to take a class of kids along the beach to do something but I wasn't listening and we all just ended up throwing rocks in the water. Eventually, the teacher appeared and took the class off of me which was just as we;;, seeing as there was a party going on further on that I ended up going to. There were loads of people there, some I knew. But the boy, the next 'boy of my dreams' was there. We hit it off instantly. He was gorgeous, tall. He has thos wavy blonde hair, was in shorts... looked alot like those typical surfer guys actually. He was wonderful. Then he was gone.

I ended up in somewhere new. I met him again, it was meant to be years from the last time we met, we were all "you've grown" and all that rubbish. His hair was pink, God knows why. It was nice, but we kept on arguing, I can't remember what about. There was one point, another ex was there and he didn't know about us. He started making horrible remarks and I stormed off into another room and zipped the door shut - yes, the door was the same as the kind you get on tents - and refused to let him in. He followed me as I zipped it shut, right to the corner, and I unzipped it the tiniest bit and said "take me for what I am".

He walked off. I started panicing, trying to unzip the door, it seemed impossible. When I tried to leave where ever it was that I was, I couldn't. There was a giant ramp stopping me, at the top was the door. On first attempt I can sliding back down but I eventually made it out. I ran across the street, there were cars coming from everywhere but I didn't care. I asked a woman with a filming crew, "has a guy with long pink hair been past you?", she pointed to my left with a big smile. Once I went over to where she pointed, there were loads of people with pink hair. I ran around for a long time, until I found him at the bottom of some stairs.

"Where did you go?" I was out of breathe,
"To get an apple." He had one aswell!
"Cool...", I had a marshmallow square... which didn't make any sense.

At that point, he stopped paying attention to me and I didn't want to be there anymore. I woke myself up.

I miss it all to much. I miss being able to be touchy-feely with someone, seeing someone and getting butterflies. I wish I wasn't so cold. WHy is this happening.

In My Company.

Are you in?

Anyone up for the challenge? The ultimate challenge. Me.

I want to get trashed. I want to get drunk beyond repair, I want to get that point of bliss where you're clutching at the walls to keep balance, grasping thin air to hold yourself up, you're legs start to walk themselves because you don't even remember when you left point A and where point B is. I want Placebo classics blaring through my speakers and tears running down my face. Meds at random, put of Follow The Cops Back Home on first though, just to ruin the mood. Then Because I Want You, "tear us in two is all it seems to do... don't give up on the dream, don't give up on the wanting, because I want you too."

If I could tear you from the ceiling...



I just want to get it all out there... Go to that place where you can say everything you've wanted to say. The only problem is that, right now, I don't know what these things are yet. There's something inside me that wants to just shout! Maybe it's just hunger. I'll go and make a bowl of cerial and see how that goes... It didn't help.

I'm in a bad place right now. I've not been thinking straight. I did the dishes today and started crying, I'm not too sure why, it just happened.

Negative Thinking.

I am sick of signing in to my social networking sites and being welcomed by fresh, new photographs of teenage girls in skimpy outfits and/or their underwear. I am sick of "I found your page and I thought you looked cool, I hope you don't mind" which is always closely followed by "fancy leaving me some picture comments?". I'm sick of same-angled photographs that all look the same- why bother? Just upload the one.

I am tired of internet personalities as a whole.

I am one to talk, in all honesty. I'm itching to get photo comments. Loading no more that one picture at a time, that way you can only comment that one and I'm more likely to get comments. I'm probably just jelous of these skimpy, shameless girls because they're got it all and they're not afraid to show it off. I'm still convinced though, that even if I had your bizzarely large breasts and inability to dress myself properly... I wouldn't be happy.

For the most of you, the reason you have these 'big tits' is all because you are big. It's all in proportion, you've just got a bit more fat that I do. As much as I'd love to be able to knock people out with my fun bags, I think I can go without because I don't want to be that weight. I'm happy with mine, 'petite' but still over weight! If I got any bigger, sure, they would do too, but I don't plan on it.

Point being, stop showing off, get some self respect and, for the love of God, buy a top that can keep them in.

Pendulous Threads.

Incubus – Pendulous Threads

I'm not sure what to class as a "good friend" anymore.

Is it someone that worries? Someone that wants to know where, when and what you're doing everyday? Someone that needs to know who you're seeing and why you're meeting them? Someone that wants to know your plans, weither they are involved in them or not. Could it be someone that is involving themselves in your life? Intentionally planning your life out for you? Someone that acts like a parent to you. Someone that tries to look out for you, because you can't look out for yourself.

No, it's not that. I can look out for myself.

Maybe good friends are for talking to you. Maybe good friends want to know your inner, most darkest secrets. The kind of people that end up knowing all of your fears. The sort of person that takes the time to know every single inch of your body inside out. A person that would more than happily count each and every hair on your body just because you asked them to. Someone that will agree with you, no questions asked, because they've figured out how your mind works.

The thought of that terrifies me.

It could always be someone self obsessed. Someone that never has the time to listen to you. Someone that doesn't let you get a word in, only stops to take a breathe for more words.

To be honest, it's all of these things and more. Friends are weird. Weither they're obsessed with your life, their own or other peoples... they're your friends, and I guess that's the important bit.

Nobody is perfect.

Rage More.

She says it, and she means it, and I'm living by her new words. Let's all rage more, show our emotions, get it out there. Be more, make more, feel more, love more, rage more.

Paulie; Liar! Liar, Liar, Liar! You've all got your heads up your assholes because love is. It just is and nothing you can say can make it go away because it is the point of why we are here, it is the highest point and once you are up there, looking down on everyone else, you're there forever. Because if you move, right, you fall. You fall.

Because she's so right. Paulie is the new be all and end all of my world. She's alot like Clem. She's hard shelled. She knows so so much, she's years beyond her time.

Paulie; Lesbian? Lesbian? Are you fucking kidding me, you think I'm a LESBIAN?
Mouse; You're a girl in love with a girl, aren't you?
Paulie; No! I'm PAULIE in love with TORI. Remember? And Tori, she is, she IS in love with me because she is mine and I am hers and neither of us are LESBIANS!

Because she's so right. Gender shouldn't be an issue anymore, why should genitalia stop you from loving who you want? It's not a girl in love with a girl, it's Paulie in love with Tori, it's one person in love with another.

Paulie; 'I will make me a willow cabin at your gate, and call upon my soul within the house... '
Paulie; I rush into the secret house...

She gives her up, she gives up Victoria and jumps. Apparently that's what love does to you.

This movie, these characters, have shaken me to the core.

Rage more.

If You Tolerate This Then Your Children Will Be Next.

Start, begining. I'm just going to start this and see where it goes, see if I find something wonderful.

I just watched a movie, Lost And Delirious. It's my third favourite movie as of now. It's one of the saddest movies I've ever seen, you've got to watch it to understand. It's funny how a movie can bring back so, so much. "So beautiful, you are so beautiful."

Combine sad movies with summer weather and it all comes flooding back. It's only when I'm alone though, when I've got company it doesn't all torture me so much. Maybe that's why I always have company? Atleast, it makes sense. I'm never alone, I'm always either with someone or on my way to meet people.

It's the nights that are the worst. I think everyone gets emotional at nigth though, it's the end of the day and you've got alot on your mind. It makes sleeping difficult.

I could cry right now, I'm not sure if that's because of the movie or just everything else. I could cry for days, but I can't let it show. I'm through with crying now though, I've been doing it for too long and there's no going back. I'm not going to go back on my word this time. I made all these decisions and if I didn't want this, then I wouldn't have done it. "Make it go away. Give me these moments, give them back to me."

I just need company, socialite, I need people to take my mind off of things.

Humor.

Singular worded headings on blog posts is something I seem to be making a habit of. I'll try my best to stop.

Humor. Funny things, they're humorous. I find lots of things funny. There was a dog I saw last night, it spent a good 15 minutes barking at another dog it heard across the other side of where I live, later we realised it was barking at it's own echo. That was hilarious. What else... When I burst out with "can vegans not eat bananas?", misunderstandings are always a laugh. The line, "Do you feel like a chain store? Practically floored.", it makes me smile. I guess its kind of funny. When people rub my face with my own hands, repeatedly, I laugh so hard I cry.

But one thing I find funnier than all of this put together, is that since I found out that one pathetic man thinks my weight makes me unattractive... Two people have commented on my weight, asking if I've been dieting as they think I've lost some. How wonderful is that?

Given that one of the people was a family member, they sometimes just say these things to cheer you up, and it works! But the other person was someone I do not get along with in the slightest, we never have. Bearing in mind, he hasnt seem me in over a year so it is highly likely that I have lost weight...

More to the point, suck on that! You think my weight is unattractive, but hell, I don't see anyone else saying the same. You have a cheeck to talk anyway, you're not the best catch in the pond. Your personality is lacking in something distinctive, your conversations aren't interesting, you're not tall or short... which is weird seeing as most guys are either ridiculously tall or short, your hair is just silly... Basically, there's nothing that would keep me interested in you for more than a minute. And you're a slag, forgot about that.

I love it when I'm right. It's funny when other people are wrong. Humorous, even.

John, I'm Only Dancing.

Hevada;
A state of being that some may reach in life when they start to think that
1. There is no point in getting into a relationship as they can be complicated
2. 'They' cannot afford getting into a relationship and cannot be bothered forking out money to see this other person.
3. They realise that men are as bad as women and women are as bad as men, therefor being A-sexual.

All in all, Hevada is a wonderful state of being... I recommend it to anyone with emotional problems.

Discussions.

According to one man, he finds me unattractive because my mid-drift is a bit podgier than the average skin this girl that he goes for.

I am in love with my weight right now. I'm a bit fat all over but I'm happy.

The funny thing is, is that he was going through his 'options' for possible girlfriends. I know for a fact I wouldn't go near him if he was the last man on earth. Weither I was a beached whale or a stick thin model, he wouldn't get my attention any day.

Words.

You're not as messed up as you think you are
Your self-absorption makes you messier
Just settle down and you will feel a whole lot better
Deep down you're just like everybody else

Everyone can use words. Words are the only thing that can sway me. there's nothing more attractive that a person that knows how to use his punctuation and sentense structure. Words are so, so powerful when you use them properly. They can do anything you want them to. Words are beautiful, they can change the way people feel. If you get them working right, they can change peoples minds and make them see clearer. There's nothing I like better than someone that can lyrically 'chat me up'.

Amy thinks that life is lacking in drama
So she fell for horoscopes, faith-healing and karma
She's so wrapped up in her invisible armour
She'll never grow into herself
And it's OK thinking me and all my friends are just wasters
But saying that I can still see through her heirs and graces
I bet she's scared her life won't leave any traces
Caught up like everyone else

But everyone uses words now, because they can. They're trying to use it to their advantages, to sway people into the wrong direction. They're using words against you. They're not making it pretty, or wonderful. They're making them meaningless. Honestly, they're everywhere. Hollow words. People are always saying things they don't mean, lying it's called, I think. But some people hit new levels of this right to abuse vocabulary. It just brings me down. Soon no one will be able to believe anything everyone else is saying. Everyone will just end up as bad as each other. Everyone will think that I'm that bad too, and I wont be. I'll be squeezing the last ounce of meaning out of each and every word, while the rest of you just walk around exchanging looks.

I'll still be here, blabbering on about the past, present and future each and every day of the week. I'll still be here, meaning what I say.

Years.

These are the best years of our life, right? Apparently, thats what all the old people are saying. Those teen years. These teen years. Supposedly the best I'm ever going to have. It's not going to get any better than this, it's going to be worse? What? I'm gonig to spend the rest of my life reminising, thinking of my care free days.

News Flash: Heather Cameron is so laid back, she's horizontal.

I'm not afraid of anything in this world, there's nothing you can throw at me. I'm going to live my life acting my shoe size. What's stopping me? I'll continue wasting my free time. I'll keep visiting and finding big car parks. I'm going to shave my head. I'm going to buy ridiculously colourful wigs. I'll always be acting out and causing a scene. There's so much left to do, it doesn't just stop at 19.

I've got another year and a half until the 'best days' of my life are through. I hope I achive alot in this time. Lots of drama, boys and girls, drink and drugs. Lots of unhealthy misbehaving. Lots of fun and games, something to look back on and smile about. Then again, my whole life should end up like that.

I'm not going to let old people and their hollow, unfulfilled lives change me. I'll let them be an influence. I'll be ridiculous, fabulous. I can learn from them, I guess.

No.

So much personality in her, she's bursting at the seams. She's always got light pouring from her eyes. She can be a topping of any flavour, it's all up to her. She'll be swifter than the speed of light. She's the same but brand new.

Before she was nothing, but now, now she's everything. She's everything without you.

I can't say anything anymore without you questioning me and trying to prove me wrong. Stop commenting me with points that disprove what I have said. Stop trying to make sense of what I've said; It doesn't make sense and it's not meant to. It's just there, accept it. This is how I feel. This is what I say and what I think.

If you've not got anything nice to say then don't say anything at all, right? This is where I go to say my not nice things. It is not your space to make me feel worse that I already am. I don't want your negative thinking, if I ever do, I'll ask for it.

If i wanted your opinion on what I say, I'd say it directly to you. You told me to write something, you wanted something to read, but I'm not writing something so you can complain about it. If I agree with you, agree that everything I've said is completely wrong and I shouldn't feel or say what I do... Then I'd have nothing to say.

Stop it.

Broken Record.

Shall we listen to it just once more? it wont hurt anyone but me, right? So, let's. Let's dive in and explore all the reasons as to why I should throw you out of my life and out of my mind.

"You thought you could change his mind by changing your perfume to the kind his mother wore. Oh God, Delilah, why? I never met a more impossible girl."

So, you think he's not good enough. You think I can do better. Not just you, alot of you do and alot of you comment on this each and every time I find a new guy. But you of all people do not have the right to tell me what is good for me and what isn't. You, the person that's driven me to insantiy, self hard and a crazy addiction to chocolate. You who still has the mind of a 16 year old boy because that's all that you are. You're not thinking about any of this the same way that I am.

"In this same bar where you slammed down your hand and said "Amanda, I'm in love". No you're not. You're just a sucker for the ones who use you, and it doesn't matter what I say or do, the stupid basterd's gonna have his way with you."

You're currently in a relationship, one of the most disfunctional I have ever witnessed. The two of you can't pass a month without fighting with each other. And when you do, who do you both come to? Me. Why? I'll never know. You can hardly give me relationship advice when you are only just managing to hold your own.

I won't let you tell me what's right and wrong for me. How would you know what's good for me anymore? The only reason everything is like this is because of you, so really, maybe you should just butt out for a change and see what happens when you don't interviene? I don't need you to check up on me and see how I am. If i wanted your help, your opinion, anything from you, I'd ask for it. Don't come here giving me what you think when you know damn fine that I couldn't care less.

That's the thing, I've stopped caring. 'Gave up' on it all. Because really, my friends will never be happy with the people I choose. True friends are happy when you are. True friends want to see you happy. Fake friends judge the people I pick without taking the chance and getting to know them. Fake friends are not what I need anymore. How am I ever meant to be happy if you guys aren't? Just slap on a stupid smile when I'm around, atleast, pretend.

Don't tell me it's not worth trying for him/her. Tell me that in the end it will be worth it and my fall will be fabulous.

Stop looking out for me. I'm sick of everyone thinking I can stand up for myself. I'm a big girl now. I've grown. Face the facts, I'm 17, I'm going to be 18 next year. I'm going to be meeting new people and losing loads of old ones, I'm going to have loads more relationships that you lot wont be able to watch over and manipulate. I'm going to go to parties, I'm going to get wasted and have flings, I'm going to be stupid and make my own mistakes. I'm going to have my own life without you, you and you.

My point?
You don't have any right to tell me who I should take interest because I honestly believe that if it was up to you, you would let me be miserable until all I depended on was you. News Flash baby, Big girls like me don't depend. I'm a rock. As much as it drives me crazy, I won't ever, ever stop keeping it all together.