Turning point.

Save me from drowning in the sea, beat me up on the beach.

You're turning me into someone you hate. You're turning me into a nag. A whine. A moan. 

I feel like whenever I voice how I feel it falls on deaf ears. 

Emotionally I need more from you. It's horrible to love someone and get nothing back. How am I supposed to know you feel the same? You don't show it. I'd take your word for it but when was the last time I got an 'I love you'? I just want to feel special. Is that too much to ask?

I just want you close where you can stay forever. You can be sure that it will only get better.

I've said all this before, one way or another. Nothing has been resolved. I don't wan't to give up, I want to work through it but I need you to work with me, not against me. Help me fix this.

Sometimes I wonder if you realise how much I am hurting. I hope you don't, otherwise you've just been ignoring my feelings. 

Why can't you want me like the other boys do? They stare at me while I stare at you. Why can't I keep you safe as my own? One moment I have you, the next you are gone.

Around his little finger, that boy has got me curled. I try to reach out but he's in his own world.  This boy's got my head tied in knots with his games, I simply want him more because he looks the other way.


I feel like we're deteriorating. Our connection is deteriorating, like a rusted ball and chain you're dying to get out of. Is there no saving us? Whenever I voice how I feel I'm shot down. I'm over-reacting. How can I know how you feel if you won't tell me? You're turning me into a nag and I'm not, I'm really not. It's exhausting me. I need 'us' back.

Is it because I'm broken? I would hope that there was more to us but I can understand if it's an issue. I just wish you would talk to me, I will try to fix it.

1826

I've had 1826 page views since I started this page in... 2008? Or there abouts. Achievement or disappointment? I'll let you decide.

Anyone that's passing here, do you have instagram? I do.
And you can nosey through my pictures here at http://instagram.com/chiiiiiiiips

Home is wherever I am with you.

I am a whole different kind of human being. I have so much love to give. 

You're making it so difficult to love you. It's as if you're challenging me, testing me, trying my limits. 

Why do I even come here any more? It used to be my place to vent and arrange my thoughts. It's changed from an outlet to a cry for help. I can't bring myself to talk to anyone.

You make me feel like you're totally uninterested in what I have to say, what's on my mind. Do you even know how that feels? I am putting so much into this and getting nothing in return. 

If anyone's out there. Let's meet up.

The only one.

While you're away I go crazy. I conjure up situations you may be in, it drives me mad.

When you come back, it's as if we've just met and you're falling in love with me all over again.

Before you go away we're at each others throats. Sick to the back teeth of each other.

When you go away I'm glad for some time on my own.

While you're away I'm craving to have you back.

Ice cream.

I'm not one for revenge of grudges, but I cannot wait to go back to her town and show her up. Show her that she is so insignificant, that my life is better than hers.

But most of all, that he's mine.

She can get to fuck.

Over-worked and under-paid.

I am constantly feeling overwhelmed. There's an obvious connection between when I'm busy at work and when I feel this way.

It makes me lose my appetite. It makes me binge eat. it makes me lash out at you. It makes me very tired. I find myself crying at anything. Just now, watched a bit on the Olympic torch; greeting like a baby.

But I never recognise that it's work induced stress because I don't let my work or the amount of it bother me. I deal with my work load well, I prioritise everything that needs done and I make sure to do only as much as I'm capable. So, I find it difficult to blame my work for my mood therefore leaving me trying to point the finger, finding a cause. I am usually the cause.

I am constantly blaming myself. I have a sort of "I am not anything different" way of thinking. I'm convinced that everyone gets this way (and why should I be any different?) and that they all deal with it themselves, so I should be able to deal with everything. Anything. But everything is a lot of stuff and it gets to me.

Then I instantly feel bad because I can't deal with everything which makes me feel like less of a person (which, I know, is crazy) thus making me feel even worse. Vicious circle.

Over all, feeling sorry for myself, crying at soaps and eating my weight in chocolate. Just like every other hormonal woman! Fml.

You came like a missile, falling on my head with the black sky. Think you're giving but you're taking my life away.

Like the drunk you convinced was sober, you keep me falling over. Think you're giving but you're taking my life away.

With the best of intentions, you tried to give an ocean direction. Think you're giving but you're taking my life away.

I've been going crazy.

There are some nights i hold you close, pushing you to hold me or begging you to lock me up, never let me see the world. Some nights I live in horror of the people or the radio. Tea parties and twitter. I've never been so bitter... and you, why you wanna stay? Oh my god, have you listened to me lately? Lately, I've been going crazy. So crazy... and you, why do you want to stay?

There are some nights I wait for someone to save us but I never look inward, try not to look upward and some nights I pray a sign is gonna come to me but usually I'm just trying to get some sleep. Some nights!

Well, some nights, I wish that this all would end 'cause I could use some friends for a change. And some nights, I'm scared you'll forget me again. Some nights, I always win. I always win.

I'm your number one fan.

I don't know why I love you. I just know I can't stop thinking of you. Oh wait, it's cause you make me smile. You always make me smile.

Please don't take him, even though you can.

Now, I can easily understand how you could easily take my man but you do not know what he means to me, Jolene. Well, you can have your choice of men but I could never love again. He's the only one for me, Jolene. I had to have this talk with you 'cause my happiness depends on you and whatever you decide to do, Jolene.

Geeking.

Is it etiquette? No one gives a shit but me. I'm on my own.

Nowhere, here we are in the middle of it. We're not in sync, we're a sinking ship.

Going nowhere, nowhere fast.

Bet she was all over you like a fucking rash. She's just a home wrecker. Don't even know why you still talk to her. I'm in an absolute headfuck right now, my grans passed away so what do you do? Go out and get pissed with your ex that's always trying to get you back? Yeah. That's just fucking great. Thanks a lot for walking all over me.

Why am I even surprised? Shaking with anger and I'm not sure why.

No, wait, I am sure. I'm sure you're a pillock. Sometimes I feel like I am so good to you, I certainly try to be an understanding-as-fuck girlfriend and get nothing back.

See you later.

Make things look smart and easy.

The Cardigans – Happy Meal II

"And now I've found a partner, no one can be happier than I am. And now I've found a new friend, no one can be happier than me."

I spend a lot of time focusing on faults and flaws. I forget the really good stuff. Although, I'm sure you can all relate.

Feeling so fucking sorry for myself and it gets me nowhere.

I really need someone I can talk to.

This must be the place.

I've almost missed out on what all of my friends are experiencing because I'm not a student. Not that I'm particularly bothered, you can't miss what you've never had. But I'm missing it, I'm not involved.

No student entry, discounts, weekends that start on Thursday, drinking a lot, smoking more, flat share, student loan, over draft, one night stands/flings... none of that.

Then again, no hand ins, no late for class, no studying. No pressure to 'do well'.

My whole life, my attitude, has always been based around not being pressured to do well. And the result? I have average grades, an average job, a very average life and average ambitions. I've never thought yo should push children to do things they don't want to do, but as a child I only wanted to eat chocolate and play The Sims... which didn't get me very far.

So I guess this must be the place, the limbo, between failure and success, happiness and sadness. To be honest, it's rather mundane but I don't have the drive to move up the ladder, find a goal or just do something.

Navigate me through your body.

This year isn't going to be a good one. Urgh.

Not trying to be over dramatic at all. I can tell, it's going to be bad. Nothing's gone right yet.