I Built You Up.

I can just as easily break you down.

You've been bitten by the Popularity Bug. No need to worry, it won't last long. It's like a hyper blue-bottle on my window ledge; it'll die eventually but I want it to have some sort of fun. You're a creation, my creation. I made you.

Cafeteria tables are alot more complicated that you think, you just haven't got the hang of it yet. One night with the Popular Kids has changed you, now you're at their table alot of the time. Your old table will forget about you if you don't go back. They were good to you, accepted you even though you are a mantal wreck. Those Popular Ones are only speaking to you because you're a house to stay at when they get drunk.

Where was I when you were making mistakes, being disowned by your 'friends'? Right fucking here. Every step of the way, I have been here. New school, I helped, you came here and I made sure you knew where to go. I made sure you weren't alone. I made you.

They will toss you away when they realise what you're like. Darling, the novelty of you wares off after the first week. You know I'm one to keep, forever taking you back. They don't know you like I do. They haven't put up with you like I have, they'll realise that you're hard work, and they don't do the work. The kids that think they're cool, drinking at the weekend but still getting straight A's. Come back to us and come back to earth.

40th Blog Post.

"Oh I can’t look at you this morning
I should probably have a sign
That says ‘Leave "right now or quicker’
You’ve overstayed your time

Maybe I slept peaceful on your shoulder
Your arm warm around my side
But it’s different now, it’s morning
And I can’t face your smile

The second that I feel your safe hands
Reaching out for mine
I slip away and out of sight
You’ve overstayed your time"



I don't think I am made to be in a relationship, ever. I can't seem to hold my interests in one person at a time or one person for longer than a few weeks. I can't be that nice lovely pretty making-you-look-good girlfriend... I do appologise! I don't think it is entirely my fault. Boys/Men must play a big part in this? It's been suggested that I am afraid of relationships. I think it's something else...

Noun
Singular; commitment
Plural; commitments
commitment (plural commitments)
1. The act or an instance of committing, putting in charge, keeping, or trust, especially:

• The act of sending a legislative bill to committee for review
  
• Official consignment sending a person to prison or a mental health institution

2. Promise or agreement to do something in the future, especially:

• Assuming a financial obligation at a future date
  

3. Being bound emotionally/intellectually to a course of action or to another person/other persons.
4. Perpetration, in a negative manner, as in a crime or mistake.
5. State of being pledged or engaged.
6. The trait of sincerity and focused purpose.
7. The act of being locked away, such as in an institution for the mentally ill or jail.

I think it's that, that word up there, 'commitment'. I spend a long time with one? person I start to pick at their flaws, allt he annoying little things they do, subconsiously. I don't need that. That feeling like crap because you've started to hate the one thing you love.

This 'love' thing, over rated. But the aftermath of it all sure does make good writing.

I Know For Sure.

I may have been drunk last night but I know for sure that I was speaking my mind and I meant what I said.

Last night I went to sleep with a big cheesey grin. You know how myspace quiz's always say "did you go to sleep smiling?", I'm always a bit confused about that question... But now I can say that I have. If Charlotte had looked at me she probably have thought I'd been eaten by the Cheshire Cat. I was just so, so happy! It'd been a generally good day, I had fun and seen plently of people. It would have been just as good if I hadn't seen anyone because I knew I was going to spend the day with Charlotte.

I love Charlotte with all my heart. She's the only friend that's been able to put up with me, the only friend I've been able to keep for years without falling out with. The only friend that knows what I'm thinking abd has the balls to tell me. The only person that knows what's good for me and can tell me without being too scared of hurting my feelings. Charlotte is the only person in the world I think I could die for. Charlotte is the only person I can be truely honest with. I can speak to her about whatever is on my mind without worrying about how crazy I sound. She's the only person that knows that I don't need to be understood. She's the only person for me.

Charlotte's the only person that I've been really worried about losing. She wont be leaving for another good few months but I realised this a few weeks ago and I've been freaking out ever since. Me without Charlotte? That's unthinkable. No more Big Tits and Blondie? There are so many things we still need to do together. Anyone else I've lost, I haven't lost forever but it's still not the same. I don't want to settle for "not the same" between us. I will not settle for any less than "bebo number one top friend best friends sleepovers included".

When I'm older and I have a friend that I go to coffee with, she'll say to me how great we are together and that we're best friends, and you know what I'll say? I'll tell her all about my best friend Charlotte and how no one, not even her, will be half as good to me as she was.

Charlotte's my Big Sister, even though she's younger than me I feel like she's always looking out for me like a sister would. She's a mum to me in the way that she makes sure I'm okay and when I'm feeling confused she sorts out all my head mess. She's a friend to me in the way that I know she's always there, just a call away.

Charlotte, I love you one more that you could ever imagine even if you were on drugs. More that words. I'll always look back on us and be happy, but I can look ahead and be happier because we've got a whole life time to be utterly fabulous.

"NutCase".

A few days ago I was in Helensbrugh Central listening to some radio. I ended up sitting beside a woman in a raincoat. I took out my headphones because I thought she had asked me what time it was or when the next train is. She hadn't asked me anything at all, she had been having a little natter with herself.

I was sitting on the 5.40 train home from Helensburgh Central on the way home, I'd been at Gabbys'. I went onto the last carradge so I wouldn't have to buy a ticket. You can hardly blame me, £1something for a 3 minute journey. Rediculous. On the last carradge were two men. I'm guessing one of them had a mental dissorder... seeing as he was screaming all the way. I don't mean just shouting at the other guy or anything, he was screaming at the top of his lungs. He kept shouting random words and just screaming. He wouldn't stop. Almost everyone on the train was a bit freaked out.

Made me think; what on earth were going through their heads?
Woman talking to herself, someone in her head must have been talking back. I wonder what they were talking about. Was it a nice person talking back to her? What if it wasn't... and he/she was abusing her.
What was going on in that mans head? What was he seeing or hearing? Why was he screaming so much? It must have been something really scary. I don't like the idea of him seeing things no one else can.

I Can't Understand.

I will always be a boys best friend. It was what I wanted, to be 'one of the boys'. I didn't want them to think they had to be gentlemanly around me.

I was never going to be anything more. You led me to believe that everything would be perfect. When presented with the option of Girl A and Girl B, you chose A because I now realise; I Will Always Be Second Best. Being second to her isn't bad at all. She is a wonderful girl and absolutely beautiful. But that will always be the case, there will always be another girl.

I am the girl that wants to give you advice on your new girlfriend and help you through the relationship, but please don't treat me like you can walk all over me.

Pointless post.

Ha ha ha.

The Picture seems apropriate right now. I think today proves that when a man makes a mistake every woman that knows about it will turn on him.

"Revenge is a dish best served cold." I've never wanted something more than this. You have reached a new level of low. To lead on so many people and get away with it... I can't help but think you are an evil genius!

You are getting all you deserve, but this will last forever. Every woman you meet will be told what you're like. I can pre warn them. You will never be happy again for the rest of your life, as long as I'm around.

What you did, I don't care. The fact that you thought you could lead me on nd get away with it... Well, now, you know me so well, you should have known that I will never let you live this down. You will never be trusted by another girl for eternity!

I really thought you meant it, this time. Why did I hall for it? Why did any of us fall for it?
Because you knew we would and you used that power. You evil genius.

A Beautiful Mess.

And then it happened. I'm not too sure if I wanted it to go this way, to be honest. This is so much messier than I expected. I didn't think I'd play a big part in it either. I'm starting to question if it was all really worth it? Is he worth it?

I started writing an appology to her last night, not that I'm ever going to give it to her, explaining that I didn't mean for it to end this way. I didn't, honestly. I know I've said really sour things before but I think that was just the way he was making me. I became something new and ugly. Really just an embarrassment, now that I think about it. I was acting really petty.

As much as he means to me, I feel worse for her than him. I am a woman, I nkow how she feels. I should really have told her before, seeing as she did ask me if he had cheated and I lied to her... but she understands it wasn't my place to say.

I hope he understands this wasn't all my fault. I'm not pointing the finger or anything, but it's definetly not in my direction, wherever it goes. I was just a constant in this, I could have been anyone. It was bound to happen by some point, right? I don't understand why he's being so upset and sad... He brought this upon himself.

I don't know what to do.

Say You Were Me.

"Does that scare you? Ill let you run away
But your heart will not oblige you
Youll remember me like a melody
Yeah, Ill haunt the world inside you
And my big secret - gonna win you over
Slow like honey, heavy with mood"

It is all your fault. I hate acting like this vindictive little bitch, but you make me like this! I am not usually a jelous person but just remembering about you... it drives me up the wall. It shouldn't matter really, you've already won this battle, technically. You have what we're fighting for and you'll be keeping him close. You may have him with you, but I have his heart. I know what he's like, I know him inside out, I know everything. You... you've got nothing on me.

You're just a replacement. A temporary me. So be it, a skinnier, prettier, girlier version of me. But you know what I have? I have personality, I'm origional, I'm one of a kind! And he knows that, he sees that in me, he get's my quirkiness and deals with my swings. You are just another number. Another indie new rave whatever the fuck you want to be called kind of girls, with your stupid music and your hair. You're the opposite to me in so many ways but I guess that makes you better. Better in what ways? You're sane. Mentally stable. Not so obsessive. I am that crazy fuck that was left behind and still chasing. I am the other girl. I am nothing now.

It's this power, it's your fault. You've fueled me up, winding me up. Turning me into this thing. This thing filled with hate and taking it out on you. It's not your fault at all, but at the same time, it is! You've not done anything wrong, it's just your exsistance as a whole just angers me.

But to you, I am the enemy. I am the other girl. I am the competition. I am the winner, or atleast I am winning. I've got so much you haven't. I'm forbidden fruit, he knows he can't have me and I know it wont happen and that's what makes him want more. You, you don't have that. There's nothing forbidden about you. He can get a piece of you whenever he wants. I'm the one he really wants though. I know it, I can tell. Everything about the relationship we have just... I know it.

You're better for him than me. I want you to look after him. But I warn you, I will get him.

Gonna Use My Imagination.

"cause I gonna make you see

Theres nobody else here

No one like me

Im special, so special

I gotta have some of your attention

Give it to me!"

So, the man of my dreas didn't come back to me. He's obviously just another typical man! I'll always be settling for second best, these days. This sounds like a horrible start to a blog, doesn't it? So let's explain. The new man, he's eeeexactly what I want but as per usual; it's too good to be true. He has a girlfriend and he has done for about 8 months now. How upsetting is that?! I will try my best to make him realise that I am Gods gift!

It wont work, obviously. I dn't think boyfriends are for me anyway. I only ever treat them badly. I think the reason I dumped alot of my boyfriends was only because I felt that they deserved better. Alot of the time I was right too. Someone that makes an effort to see you and you're not putting in any effort at all? They definetly deserve someone better.

I like being the Ex Girlfriend, there's something about that title that threatens all new girlfriends and makes me feel superior! And she, the New Girlfriend, will get worried and start thinking he will dump her. Obviously, I am not a boyfriend stealer, but having that power... excellent. I like being the Ex Girlfriend because the New Girlfriend can talk to me about him. I don't have to be close to her but she always knows that she can speak to me in confidence. 'Cause who would know better than someone that has been there and done him? I mean, that.

I don't find other Ex Girlfriends intimidating. They probably have the same ideas as I do, to frighten off any new girls... but alot of the time they just look pathetic. Maybe that's how I look? I am friends with each and every signle one of my ex boyfriends. I'm better friends with them since going out with them. I tried to explain that to my Mum last night, while watching the comotion with the boy and the girl on Big Brother being accused of having feelings for each other when really they're just good friends. My Mum can't quite get her head around it, I don't see why not though. For two people to have had a relationship like that and make it through all the bad times can only make them stornger, make their relationship stronger.

This blog is slowly developing into something beautiful. I never intended to change the subject but alas... such is life!
I'm getting new hair tomorrow, I will put up pictures as soon as.

The Man Of My Dreams.

I mean that in literal terms, by the way, he was a man and he was in my dreams and by gum was he dreamy! Oh, I can't really remember him that well... who ever he was. But he was tall abd had short blonde hair and lived in a flat somewhere far away. And we were madly in love. We were in a car coming back somewhere too, and we ended up in helensburgh just along from the old school and I had to leave... and I got rather upset.



Is that not funny? A man i have never met, a man who's name I don't even know, I miss? I miss a man that I don't know. I can't even remember what he sounded like, I can't remember his face. I can't even remember what he was wearing. Maybe I'll get lucky and he will come back, he will visit in my dreams and we'll go on day trips and to the cinema in my head. Maybe we'll move in together, in my head, and get a dog and a car and I'll be famous, in my head.



He was nice, I think. He wasn't annoyingly nice, wasn't too controlling. From what time we spent together he seemed like a wonderful guy. Do you think he's real? I wonder. Maybe this is how de ja vu works, and I'll meet this guy in a flat and we won't have to live it all out in my head.
But that's imposible.
I wouldn't half mind finding him again and asking him who he is. Next time he pops into my head, I'm going to ask him. That's if I don't forget and he decides that today we're going to have a pic-nic or a candle lit dinner or... You get the picture.

He was the perfect guy and from now on I won't be able to be with anyone without compairing them to this imaginary man that most likely doesn't exsist. And all the boys in the world will think; "well, she's a nutter, ain't she?".

Seriously, What Is The Point?

"you're a sight for sore eyes!"

Orange flavoured jelly is better than strawberry. The strawberry is slightly sickly and it's difficult to get through a whole tub (even though the tubs are tiny!), but the orange is nice and light and zingy! I could easily have more.

There was a point to this... Ah, yes; you can't just do that! People, please, you can't just chose to be angry at me because I haven't shown up for a couple days of school. Maybe you have my best interests in mind but my God! There's no need to make your point by being off with me and deliberatly trying to make me feel aweful. You trying to make me guilty will only make me want to do the oposite, you should know that by now.

Why, Chris, are you doing this? Why, Sarah, are you doing this? Why, the lot of you, are you doing this?! I don't know if you're trying to have some sort of joke, maybe you are, but it's not even funny. Do not see my point of view? I don't know what to do right now and neither would you in my position. The one thing I can do is hide from it all and that's what I'm doing.

You's do not make things any easier. What kind of idea did you have? What kind of friend are you trying to be? I would never try to make you's lot feel like crap the way you's are. Seriosuly, cut the crap please? Cause I'm not putting up with it for much longer.

It's Better; To Think Of Others.

"there's something about the way you do the things you do

and when you do the things you do it's got me oh, oh

don't need no Maybelline 'cause you a beauty queen

don't need to L'oriel 'cause bitch yo' bad as hell

if I'm Casinova, then you're a supernova

girl, that's what you do to me,

you've got me saying 'damn girl, you're so fine.' "

See, I think I'd be better off as a lesbian. Don't you? I'm sure that, if i tried, I could attract more women that men to myself. I'm sure a female companion would last longer and it'd be well sexy! I'm such a man when it comes to relationships, which is a pitty really. I like to hold and not to be held (which isn't right because I'm always the shorter one), I prefer to do things for other people instead of them looking after me and tending to my every need, I need a penis... not a vagina! I think the first person I would hit on is Cleggie (bet she reads this and gets freaked out!), I don't mean that in a way that I am right now romantically interested in her... just that I have a sort of obsession with her where I think that absolutely everything she does is amazing and she should get a promotion to God.

It's weird how often I think about this, really. I'm sure the average woman doesn't think about this as much as I do. Do men think about this too? What things would be like if they find a partner of the of the same sex? Hmmm. I'm going to ask my male friends tomorrow and get back to you with that!

You know how I accuse my male friends of having "man crushes" on the other guys? Why does no one accuse the girls of fancying each other? What would you call that... "woman crush"? This is my first piece of writing of 09 and I feel it's a disapointment. I will shortly publish a post on the new year, I think. This is just another blog full of sentences put together with very little thought... I wish they would let me do this for a living.

Listen to Award Tour by A Tribe Called Quest.