It's Better; To Be Just Another Number.

Oh My God.

I hate you all! All girls, I can't help but hate most of you and I do feel terribley aweful about it. I don't understand why you do the things you do. There are very few of my gender that I can get along with now and I hate that.

Why have you all turned into these indie little things? All in your hats and silly coats, looking like you're spending the day in Top Shop. You multi-produced girls that can't generate a personality because you don't have the time. Too busy styling your hair to make it look natural...

Extra short post.

It's Better; To Think Ahead.

"She don't love me like you
she don't know what you do
and it's so hard."

Do you ever hear songs and think "man, I wish he/she would say that to me". I don't wish he'd say that, but if he said anything at all it'd be an improvement. I often do this with songs, pick out lines I like and list them on my myspace bulletins. It's like a secret little puzzle I'm sending out to everyone to see if they can figure it all out and present it to me. I'd love it if someone did aswell, presented my thought to me in an order than explained everything, so then I could know and shake the hand of the person that did it for me.

I was going to do this blog on my holiday blog but I thought I may as well just put it here.

I was in my Wee Granny Camerons house yesterday, christmas obviously, you can't not go see you're relatives on a day like the 25th! Every year we open our presents, get ready and head up to each house, first the Granny McLaren (Big Granny), then the Granny Camerons (Wee Granny). I watched my Wee Granny and Grandad and wondered, will I be the same when I'm that old? Will I have lots of children and grandchildren or will I only have a couple of children and a few grandchildren? Will I live in a small little council house in a dangerous part of town or will I have a big house that I will only use two out or a bazillion rooms and have to hire a cleaner to dust every room? Will I live with someone I've been married to (god, me, married?) for the majority of my life or will I live alone? Maybe I'll live with a friend for the company or I'll me re-married a thousand times and live with the current husband!

Whatever I do end up like, I just hope I'm as happy as either of my grandparents!
My Big Granny and Granda like to go on holiday as often as they can, they often have the family around at christmas and like to buy presents for the younger grandchildren, they like to keep in touch and phone their children and all that jazz, I'd like to be like them because I hope I'm that active and lively when I reach that age.

The Camerons don't go out alot, but that's because my Wee Granny is awefully ill. They stay in and watch telly alot, and the children and grandchildren come in and visit them whenever they're free. I see myself being like my Wee Granny when I'm older because I'm most likely going to become rather ill with the lifestyle I live. Not that I'd dislike that kind of like at that age, it's what would be best for me. I'll loose my marbles and need someone to look after me!

I just want there to be someone, but not anyone, to look after me.

It's Better; She Doesn't Know About Me.

I hate the way she speaks to me. She talks to me as if we've been friends for ages.
" i love u so much laura <<<< im not ur guy buddy lol<<<lol, i ent tlked to u in ages, how are u?, jake told me bout th od thing, hope ur ok"
Erm... we've spoken about two, three times before? It's like he's trying to politely rub her in my face. Or is she trying to politely rub it in that she has him? I don't want to talk to either of you! He's already fallen out with me, so why is she actually being nice to me?

I know he talks about me to her, she ever so slightly mentions things like "jake said you weren't feeling well" or something like that. I'm not comfortable with the thought of him talking about me to 'laura'. I don't talk about him to anyone, when I do it's usually just a "jake said hi the other day" seeing as he doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

It's like the video for Cool by Gwen Stefani, except that I'm an angry man hating crazy killer axe lady.

I hate that she's so nice and lovely and pretty, it means I have no reason to hate her. She's actually taking an interest in me and my life. But why? Why is she hacking into her boyfriends msn account and asking me about me overdose and my christmas? I wonder if she knows that I used to imagine what would have happened what life would be like if i killed him? Haha. She shouldn't know that.

It's Better; For Me To Take The Advice That I Give.

"I have told all of my ememies very politely to go home."

I am lucky to have some of the worlds best friends.

It's Better; To Be Broken That To Break.

"if you need a shoulder; mine is here

and i love you

and no one can tell you what to do

roses and diamonds can never take the place

of your face.

I hope you never hesitate to wonder why."

I don't want anyone to know what happens in my head. "We'll try not to say goodbye". I could imagine that one day I'll be sent off to one of those head doctors. I'll get to lie on a big comfy chair and he/she'll ask me to talk away about my childhood or something, and obviously I'd tell them all about what I think. Then he/she'd tell me that they're going to give me some pills or that I need to go to a special place or some shit like that. ¬_¬

I actually got scared at the thought of that. Slightly embarrassed at the idea of someone knowing how my mind works. You'd all realise I'm a lunatic! That I shouldn't be allowed outside. You'd all find out what a nutter I am. Cause "i'm a fucking weirdo."

I hope you all read this in ten years time and go "shit, heather was actually being serious then", cause I know you all think I'm just doing it for the attention and the thrills.
Ah, if only you knew.

Lesbo; it's a girl thing.

And to the left you will see what the next best version of "what the hell" looks like. She comes equipt with confusion and the common cold.

"Tell me this is not for real, please tell me this is not for real."

I've been thinking for the past day, not really that long; just last night, that maybe I should try girls for a change. Thoughts? As daft as it may seem, I think it's perfectly reasonable. I hate men. I hate them with a passion, i despise them. They're horrible and I'll avoid relationships with them for as long as I can.

Maybe not full on lesbianism, if that's what you call it. I want to find someone that understands me, be it a man or a woman. Just a person that understands me, knows what I'm on about. No one quite understands what's going on in and out of my head and I want them to. I want a person. I don't like boys and I don't like girls. I have no preferance, but it's so much easier to say "I'm straight" rather than explain my insanity. I want to find someone that's good for me.

I'm only young aswell. I wish things would be a bit less confusing and more clear to me. I'm sure that no one else gets this way. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm constantly taking out my frustration on people and they don't know what I'm on about. I think maybe I should spend less time shouting and more time explaining. I just don't want you all to know what a freak I am, cause I know what you'd think if I explained my way of thinking to you.

I want to be a boy. With a big man penis! And no vagina, all man.
Men don't have to deal with their monthly cycle. Men don't have to deal with getting emotional all the time for no specific reason. And men get to go out with all the girls. Men don't have to fuss to much about what they wear or how they look, they just chose to. Mens clothes are comfier.

"i've been the needle and the thread, weaving figure eights and circles around your head, i try to laugh but cry instead, patiently wait to hear the words you've never said. fumbling through your dresser drawer, forgot what i was looking for, try to quide me in the right direction. making use of all this time, keeping everything inside, close my eyes and listen to you crying."

I'm such a miserable wreck these days. Maybe it's because it's near christmas, maybe it's because I can't do anything seriously. Can you tell I'm in that frame of mind? I wish things would make themself clear. If if I had that someone to understand me, that someone I mentioned I'd like, they could help me. Maybe I just need help?

Maybe I'm to proud to go looking for help though.

Women; diet and dye-it.

Pah! I can't stand them. I'm upset that I'm one myself.

"give in or just give up."

I was in english and we have to do a persuasive peice of writing. These things are starting to come easily for me, lucky me, I can think up an essay within the lesson. We were asked to come up with a few ideas for our arguementative/persuasive essay, one of them was "size zero" and other ones were along the lines of that, media stress and all those things. Now, ofcourse, everyone thinks that it is the media's fault for women having low self esteems and feeling that they have to live up to the expectations of what they see in magazines... Blah blah, you know the story, you've heard Gok Wan tell them how it is.

Think about it though, the media are only doing what they're being paid to do, you can hardly blame them! Women shouldn't be so bloody insecure about themselves, they shouldn't let stupid fucks on the tv tell them how to look. They shouldn't be going on stupid diets that the famous people are on. They're famous for fucking over their bodies. Women are only vistims to this pressure because they're letting themselves be.

I'm only buying all there hair and face products because they make me feel good. Not because I feel bad about myself and want to look as good at the girls in the magazines; it's imposible. They're unhealthily skinny.

I hate women, you should all learn from men.

Scream.

"With such confusion don't it make you wanna scream
Your bash abusin' victimize within the scheme
You find your pleasure scandalizin' every lie
Oh father, please have mercy ?cause I just can?t take it
Stop pressurin? me
Just stop pressurin' me
Stop pressurin' me
Make me wanna scream"

Do we see ourselves differently? Rather than from everyone elses perspective? It confuses me, makes me angry too!

Today I was sitting with Martin and Courtney, talking about the Christmas Dance; a ritual of which I will not be joining in. Bless them though, trying to encourage us to take part in school activities, I apreciate the thought. Courtney, in reply to me saying that I don't have a dress, said that she would lend me one of hers. I almost laughed. Not that I don't like Courtneys dresses, I've never seen them! Just the idea of me fitting into a Courtney sized dress amused me. She may be small, but she's not that much smaller than me.It'd be a tight squeeze, that's all.

I am not unhappy with my weight, it's nothing noticable. So I have a rediculously large posterior and love handles, so what? I don't mind and I'm sure most people don't. But everyone does this weird thing where they think that you are skinnier than you actually are, they must see you differently to the way you see yourself? Boggles my mind!

I know my body better than anyone else. I'm the only person that's seen my body properly. I know all of my flaws. I know what size of trouser I am and what size of top. I know that your clothes will not fit my thunder theighs and Jamie Sized Butt.

Pain.

"Don't you just hate toothache?

The last time I had it, my tooth got pulled out... I'm not going to the dentist this time! And that reminds me, how crap is ibuprofen? I've had atleast 7 today already and not one of them has worked. See eating? Pain in the arse. I can't get another tooth out, I'm not even sure what tooth it is that hurts, it's just the left side of my mouth in general...

That's me just poped my 7th of 8th ibuprofen. I'd be worried about an overdose if I felt that they were actually working but they're blatantly not. Trying to fool me with their pills that look like tic tacs and taste like tic tacs."

I wrote this on Monday night, the next day I was throwing up.

Take it from me, don't try to over dose, count your pills, and only buy expensive painkillers.

Haha. A Pointless Ramble.

I was just blog reading, looked at a few blogs by some people that liked the band Pasion Pit because I somehow ended up on their pages. One blog said;

"Somewhere in the process of becoming a real person, one must realize that if she does not love herself, then she will not love anything, and will not be able to feel the love that others have for her."

I hear that kind of thing all the time! "You can't love anyone else if you do not love yourself", "if you don't love yourself, who will?" and all the rest of it. What a load of rubbish, honestly, how does that work?

I am the vainest person I know. I love myself more than anyone else in the world. I'm the only person in the world that I truely love, so really these silly theories don't work, do they?

In my opinion, I think it's the complete opposite. You need to not love yourself to love others, more love to give then, surely. If you love yourself, how could you possibly make room for anyone else? You're far too good for anyone and you don't need them. You're brilliant.

What is it about you boys? I wish you just knew what you want, that way I could know exactly what I can get. I hate it what you's lot do to me, make me all shakey and excited over nothing, it only ever hurts when I come back to realityyy.

That's Life.

That's what all the people say. Flying high in April, shot down in May.

Oh my goodness, there's got to be more to life that this. Right now all that there is is... coffee. It just seems like such a waste of time. I'm not going to end up doing anything that I've planned, I never do. Nothing ever goes to the plans I've set, really. It's all a big joke really;

"We got to that age when you discover what an appaling hoax life has been. Just a bad joke, we both agreed. End-of-the-pier-stuff. You're born, you fall in love, you suffer and then you die" - from Murder Most Fab

End of the pier stuff. I was talking to Hopper about it today actually, there were kids down staris in the Library and I was saying that they're so so cute. I don't want to have children, ever. I say it all the time. But they're just so cute and wonderful and lovely, how can you not have one? That's something I'll be missing out on if I don't get knocked up; joys of bringing up someone that is yours. I don't want to get married either, that I can live with though. But I'd like to have a wedding, that's something I really want to do; wear a big white dress and make someone really happy (assuming they;d be happy with me!). But alas, I'm letting, making myself miss out on something fantastic.

"this love foolosophy is killing previous illusions I had in my mind about you."

Life is a bit of a hoax really, if you think about it. The most depressing though I have ever had was that we go to school, primary, secondary and then further education and all for one reason; money. To get a job and earn money. How sad is that? All just for money. Really got me thinking and I didn't like that (another blonde trait that I have). Isn't a nice thought, makes me feel as if life is a waste, more so than I previously thought.

As much as I love to 'live life to the full', making my to do list and all that, this rubbish just makes me feel that there's so so much to bring us down. Responsibility being a big one, one that I'm just not going to be able to keep a grip of. Oh, life after school is going to be such a let down! As I said before, nothing will go to plan because as I've stated everywhere on every social networking page I have; I want too much.

Blonde.

"If you want my body and you think I'm sexy, come on sugar, let me know."

Being blonde is hard work. I hate being what people expect me to be, but I'm expected to be ditsy and dumb and all of the rest of it. Alot of the time I am all of these things, I fail exams and I have no common sense. I forget things alot and I think out loud. I speak before I think most of the time and I look silly almost all of the time. I hate that.

That's why I'd love to be the one on the train that's reading a book, a big book with lots of long fancy words and be able to understand them. Or go for coffee with a newspaper of a briefcase. I'd like to be a tall blonde that wears glasses and shirts, even when she's just kicking about the house.

But that's so not me, and I'd not like to think I was trying to be something I'm not, so let's keep to the normal Heather. But sometimes I can't help but try and prove you all wrong, it's a natural habit for me really. I don't think that I'm anything that you would expect though, probably trying to hard, but I'm always changing and moving forward with whatever's going on around me.

I was born blonde ans I'll always be blonde.

Delirious.

This is an official apology to anyone that I have flipped at the past month or two. So pretty much Bogle and you lot, sorry!

I've been getting really edgy whenever people touch me and hug me and that, and I'm honest-to-god really sorry but I can't stand it when you all crowd around me to see what's wrong when I'm perfectly fine and capable of looking after myself. I hate feeling like that, people touching me and being really close and surounding me, it really makes me feel kind of ill! I'll let you know if i need a wee cuddle or anything, I wont need one for a long time, life is fine right now, I'm in the midst of writing my to do list for life.
Wanna hear some of it?

• Get more metal; me and Hopper are going to have an epic time with this list, me and Him are going on a journey of metal and my next addition to the list.
• Ink; me and Hopper are going to get scribbled on, him more so that me... I'm only in it for the banter!
• Bungee jumping; alot of people want to do this one with me so I'd like to make it a group activity, bagsy not going first!
• Sky diving; something for the whole family! I'd really like to get my family involved in actually, I know my Mum would never agree to it (because she hates heights) but it'd be a good experience for us.
• Mud wrestling; not with a bunch of naked women, even though Jamie says that's how everyone has to do it. This is something for me and Chris, both of us in bikini's obviously!
• Art; silly things like those classes you can go to, those classes. I'd like to go to one of those ones with the naked people and everyone staring at them, aaaand I'd like to go make some pottery with those spining table things and the water.
• Gigs; I want to follow a band for a while, probably the Foo's knowing me. I need to see Jamiroquai obviously, and The Mighty Boosh for a few years running. I'd kill to see David Guetta also.
• Party; I'll move into my own place eventually (just me, no one will be able to put up with me!) and I will throw the best parties with the best people because I am destined for...
• Fame; I want to be famous. Simple, for being me.
• Portugal and Teneriffe; two seperate holidays for me and the boys and friends. To go para-gliding again and go other fun things like climb some stuff.
• Exersize*spelling; climb those big wall things and join a gym and eat healthily and do silly things like diet and all that rubbish.

These will not get done, but it's nice to dream, isn't it?

Get Your Vote On!

The sheets have been handed out for the Yearbook Awards, "the who's who of the what's what...", the categories are;

• Cutest Couple
• Couple That Should Have Been
• Most Unlikely Couple
• Double Trouble
• Best Looking Boy/Girl
• Best Bum (girl and boy)
• Funniest Boy/Girl
• Pimp
• Pimpette
• Mr & Ms Popular
• They Are Just Too Smart
• Drama Queen
• Teachers Pet
• Teacher Of The Year
• He & She Has A NICE Body!
• Musician Of The Year
• Sports Personality Of The Year
• Bad Boi & Gurll
• Unluckiest Person
• Shameless
• Hero!

There's one award I have left out, this award belongs to me! It is, ofcourse, "I Love Me Award".
I'm using this blog to explain to everyone I know why I should get this award. There's only one reason; I am in love with myself! I take many a picture of myself because I am just that vain. On my old bebo pfofile I had & albums of pictures of just me, that's like 300 and something pictures of myself on bebo alone, imagine the amount that just sits on my computer.

Vote for me, because I am really happy with myself :).

Shortest Blog.

"Somebody said all the worlds is stage,

And each of us is a player.

That’s what I’ve been tryin to tell you.

In Act 1 I was struggling to survive.

Nobody wanted my action dead or alive.

Act 2, I hit the big time.

And bodies be all up on my behind.

And I can’t help myself because I was born to shine.

And if you don’t like it, you can shove it.

But you don’t like it, you love it.

So I’ll be up here in a rage,

’Til they bring the curtain down on the stage."

I just think these lyrics are important to me, they say alot to me really. Only because I believe the exact same as they thought. I wish fame would hurry up and find me. I wish I could hurry up and audition for Big Brother and get in. I wish for too much and I need to be more realistic and think about what I'm really going to do with my life.