All me and my boyfriend have been doing recently was arguing. Not over anything in particular, stupid things. It escalates until I end up in the biggest huff and he's pissed because he doesn't understand why I'm so annoyed. I'm so annoyed because I'm stubborn.
So, it's almost Christmas, I invite him over for a night in before he goes back home, few hundred miles away. He's gone for a week, it's not the end of the world, I get really crazy when we're apart.
He come's around to my house. I'm not home from work yet. I come in, it's blowing a hooly outside and I'm a mess. he's there, quite the thing, on my sofa. Everyone else has left and it's just us... bliss. We do a gift exchange, christmas presents. Lovely. Pot noodles and super noodles, trashy tea time telly and a box of chocolates.
I wander over to the table, find my bank statement and another envelope. I then go on to rant about how my family never let me know if there's mail for me, they just leave it on the table. It's really frustrating. I open this envelope, assuming it's a receipt for something or a news letter from one of the many shops I buy from online. I'm always skint. But it's not. It's from the NHS. About a month ago I went for an MRI scan. About a month before that I got blood tests. It's about the blood tests.
Blood test results - positive. I've never been speechless before, in my life. I just read it, saying "No, no, no...", wrapping myself around his waist.
After a while of me trying to shrug the letter off, completely ignoring it and pretending it never happened, he asks me, "how do you feel about it?". the only thing I could say back was, "I don't know". I still don't know.
It was one of those moments when you realise how insignificant all the things you worry about really are. The world is bigger than this. I have to live for now, not for the past.
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