Retirement.

I think I am finally finished with this blog. It's taken a good... 7 years, give or take? It's developed into my stress outlet and I'e found myself at a happy place. I no longer need it.

Rage more. We had a good run. I'll never forget this.

Say, say, say.

All alone I sit home by the phone waiting for you, baby.

Taking a fortnight off work with only myself for company might be one of my worst ideas. Grats, 'Delilah', you've done it again. Being left home alone with nothing but my thoughts has driven me mad. I'm actually looking forward to going back to work! Just to get out of my own head.

I keep expecting the diamond in the rough to be right under my nose. I've been on dates with all sorts of average Joe's recently.

I've found a Mr. Right-Now for the mean time. Even though he has no future plans, no sleep pattern, no milk in the fridge... he's the only thing I can rely on right now. One of the most un-organised guys I've ever met is the only stable thing I've got going.

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

On my own.

True to form, I only ever come here when I'm sad.

I don't think 'sad' cuts it these days. I'm just going plain crazy.

I finally got to a point where I was sure of what I wanted. I wanted to be back in a serious, long term kind of relationship. I wanted to meet the person that makes my life a little better, easier. The one that makes me a better person and makes me feel good about who I am.

Then I had an epiphany, that I was unnaturally attached to my ex. My 'bestie'. It wasn't good for me. It was stopping me from getting to that happy couple kind of place. I was still emotionally invested in what we had without actually having him. Isn't that fucked up? I'm so fucked up.
So now I'm keeping my distance. For my own good.

But now I just feel lonely. I'm in a terrible place. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm finding someone by chatting up all these guys online, having a million first dates that don't go anywhere. This isn't how it's going to happen.

I need to be happy with myself. I'm stupid to think someone else is going to tell me I'm a good person and I'll start believing it. I need to believe it, on my own.

The Niceness.

Let me explain 'the niceness'.

Closely relates to the 3 text rule, The Niceness was invented by my ex and I. The Niceness is a text received when you're asleep, so you have something to read in the morning. Our Niceness started off as something cute, always from him to me (because of his awkward sleeping pattern).

It then included The 3 Text Rule. A rule that, if you get 3 texts in a row without replying, the sender wants to bum you.

A combination 3 Text Rule/Niceness became a daily thing. From him, to me. It then became tradition that throughout the day (while he was asleep) I would reply to each text.

Over the course of our relationship, the 3 Text Rule stayed but lost its 'niceness', becoming random messages. Eventually it's be one message each night, usually irrelevant. Then one day it just stopped.

Change.

Another couple of months have passed without me visiting here. I'm starting to interpret this as a positive, long winded blog posts used to be my way of venting. I was a lot younger then.

I was thinking of an old friend, which reminded me of this blog. An ex, actually. My very first 'boyfriend', I was thinking about how unbelievably 'in love' I was. I enjoyed those times, when the only thing that mattered was my own sadness. Is that ridiculous? I was at an age in my life, I thought the world would end because I couldn't have the boy I wanted. Oh, how things are different these days! About 8 years later and I am so cold hearted. If he could see me now, I don't think he'd realise who I am.

I wonder if there's anything about me that's remotely like the person I was before. I understand we all grow up but I feel like I've changed personality. I'm much nastier. I'm emotionally unavailable to an extreme.

"Listen, I'll tell you a secret. If I should ever feel like going home, I'd jump so I could fly. I'd be the one with every piece of sand, with every mountain high. Don't tell me I'm wrong, that it breaks your heart, cause that's just the way I feel. I love it here but I don't belong here and it's been clear for a while."

Silence is golden.

I haven't posted anything in over a month. I must be (touch wood) happy? I only ever post when I'm miserable. I was miserable last week but I was so caught up in my own misery that I didn't think to complain about it...

I want to get into the dating scene but I tend to punch below my weight, so I've been told. I'm pretty intimidated by good looking guys, how stupid is that? It's bad judgement on my part, but I assume their all a bit full of themselves.

I go for personality. It's my only non-negotiable.

I need.

I've never felt this lonely. I really want that amazing someone, the someone that will sweep me off my feet. I want the movie romance, the quirky meet-cute... All that cheesy stuff. The kinda stuff that makes you feel ill.

But I can't warm to anyone. I'm a cold person. I can't seem to change the way I am, I've tried. I need someone to be really patient with me, to accept all of my flaws.

I need something good.

Live through this and you won't look back.

3 break ups later... but it's going to be okay, I'm going to be fine.

It's only January and I've already kissed three people, slept with one, had one boyfriend and one break up.
I'm a mess.

Fresh sheets.

I can't be your friend.

After a mutual agreement to stay friends... I've realised I can't keep that promise. I wan't all of you. I need to either keep you in my life or cut off all ties, I can't have it both ways.

Why can't it be easier than this?

I sometimes think too much but say nothing at all.

I don't know why I acted the way I did, why I didn't try. I'm not good at talking about things. I'm so afraid of embarrassing myself. But now I'm sat on a Saturday night feeling miserable and sorry for myself, eating chocolate and watching rom-coms. I never wanted this. I don't know what  want but it's not this.

I am so sorry.

Impending doom.

Without sounding melodramatic, the end of us is near.

It's a sad feeling but it's one I'm rather familiar with. A feeling I harboured for months before without addressing. So, now it's here and I doubt it's going to go away. We're not suited, it won't work. But what am I supposed to do? It hasn't gone wrong yet... But do I really want to wait around until it does?

We're missing a connection. We are two totally different people. You like politics and I like Emmerdale. You don't 'get' me.

You're not the right guy for me but more importantly, I am not the girl for you.

Tell her.

Tell her not to go. I ain't holding on any more. Tell her something in my mind freezer up from time to time. Tell her not to cry. I just got scared, that's all. Tell her I'll be by her side, all she has to do is call. All she has to do is call. Tell her the chips are down. I drank too much and shouted it aloud. Tell her something in my heart needs her more than clowns need the laughter of the crowd. Tell her what was wrong. I sometimes think too much but say nothing at all. Tell her from this high terrain I am ready now to fall. I am ready now to fall. Tell her not to go. I ain't holding on any more. Tell her nothing if not this, all I want to do is kiss her. Tell her something in my mind freezes up from time to time.

Nice haircut.

Does it come in mens?

A lot has changed since I last posted. I feel like I'm turning into the kind of person I hate.


I just want to feel wanted.

I am dying to see you again.

Every sky would be blue.

I think subconsciously I'm setting myself up for failure.

Guy A - 'We Have History'
We go way back, and I have a terrible time giving up on people. He is absolutely hilarious. There's still a lot to get to know about each other but we know each other well enough, there's a connection. You have always been the 'what if?' in the back of my head. He scrubs up pretty well! But he has a lot of baggage. So much baggage... He's the obvious bad choice.
My head is telling me no. My heart is screaming yes.

Guy B - 'We Have Nothing'
There's not really a 'we' here. You're the new kid on the block. You're gorgeous. You're new new ad exciting. We have some things in common but I don't know you well enough. You've got a good job, a flat, you can drive. Our first date was a total disappointment, but at least you took me on a date. My head is telling me yes.

For the life of me I can't change my mind. I can argue it out in my head and go round in circles but deep down I know how I feel. I know what I want.

But why do I wan't what's not good for me? There's a perfectly good, decent guy but I just don't want to know him. I'd rather have the guy with the problems. The baggage. Is it a female thing or is it just me? Who am I kidding. I know I'm not going to think rationally.





Last night was so fantastic. Never in a million years did I imagine myself at his flat, half watching a film, half making out, both high as kites. Maybe it's the narcotics talking but I couldn't have planned it better.

Hold her down with soggy clothes and breeze blocks.

Please don't go, I love you so.


I can't believe how quickly I've fallen out of love with you. I'm not sad about it but it's worrying.

The last time I loved, it took me forever to get over it. Maybe it's because I finished it. But I don't even wan't you back.

I want what we had. I miss the connection. I missed the comfortableness. The understanding. All of it, I wouldn't have changed any of our relationship except from you and that's why it had to end.

I don't mind if you wanna hide your fangs too.

This is one of the saddest points in my life. 

It saddens me like nothing else to think that after 3 years we couldn't work this out. I know we agreed to stay friends but you are my best friend and I'm so afraid I might lose you. 

Why didn't you fight for me? For us? Why didn't you tell me no, that you wouldn't let me go? That you'd do whatever it takes? That you love me and wan't me to stay forever?

Why didn't you love me enough? As much as I love you? Because I do, still, and probably always will. A little piece of me, for you.

I feel as if I've suddenly lost a huge part of my life. When I left for my train it was as if I was leaving you forever. I was leaving us. 

I'm so angry at you. Why didn't you try for us? We could have made this work.

I don't know what to do now. I'm so lost.

Just give me some candy before I go.

We're beyond repair now.

I've usually watched the demise of a relationship as a third party. A spectator.

I can't fix this by myself, I need you on board. I've got through this whole relationship doing all of the work. Keeping us strong. But now I'm weak. I just want you closer, is that alright?

I'd be a fool to throw this all away after everything I've put into it but you're not giving me much of a choice. You are making me fight for something that doesn't even feel worth fighting for but I'm so afraid that if I don't I'll lose you.



The funniest, no, saddest part of all of this is that you don't think there's anything wrong with our relationship.

One day, baby, we'll be old.

Oh baby, we'll be old and think of all the stories that we could of told.

I don't think about you all the time but when I do I wonder why.



The difference between who you thought you'd be and who you are.

03012013

It's my birthday in a week. I'm going to be 21. Scary.

Go to www.instagram.com/chiiiiiiiips for some photies.

I know everyone says this at the beginning of every year, but this year is actually going to be my year. 2013.