Nice haircut.

Does it come in mens?

A lot has changed since I last posted. I feel like I'm turning into the kind of person I hate.


I just want to feel wanted.

I am dying to see you again.

Every sky would be blue.

I think subconsciously I'm setting myself up for failure.

Guy A - 'We Have History'
We go way back, and I have a terrible time giving up on people. He is absolutely hilarious. There's still a lot to get to know about each other but we know each other well enough, there's a connection. You have always been the 'what if?' in the back of my head. He scrubs up pretty well! But he has a lot of baggage. So much baggage... He's the obvious bad choice.
My head is telling me no. My heart is screaming yes.

Guy B - 'We Have Nothing'
There's not really a 'we' here. You're the new kid on the block. You're gorgeous. You're new new ad exciting. We have some things in common but I don't know you well enough. You've got a good job, a flat, you can drive. Our first date was a total disappointment, but at least you took me on a date. My head is telling me yes.

For the life of me I can't change my mind. I can argue it out in my head and go round in circles but deep down I know how I feel. I know what I want.

But why do I wan't what's not good for me? There's a perfectly good, decent guy but I just don't want to know him. I'd rather have the guy with the problems. The baggage. Is it a female thing or is it just me? Who am I kidding. I know I'm not going to think rationally.





Last night was so fantastic. Never in a million years did I imagine myself at his flat, half watching a film, half making out, both high as kites. Maybe it's the narcotics talking but I couldn't have planned it better.

Hold her down with soggy clothes and breeze blocks.

Please don't go, I love you so.


I can't believe how quickly I've fallen out of love with you. I'm not sad about it but it's worrying.

The last time I loved, it took me forever to get over it. Maybe it's because I finished it. But I don't even wan't you back.

I want what we had. I miss the connection. I missed the comfortableness. The understanding. All of it, I wouldn't have changed any of our relationship except from you and that's why it had to end.

I don't mind if you wanna hide your fangs too.

This is one of the saddest points in my life. 

It saddens me like nothing else to think that after 3 years we couldn't work this out. I know we agreed to stay friends but you are my best friend and I'm so afraid I might lose you. 

Why didn't you fight for me? For us? Why didn't you tell me no, that you wouldn't let me go? That you'd do whatever it takes? That you love me and wan't me to stay forever?

Why didn't you love me enough? As much as I love you? Because I do, still, and probably always will. A little piece of me, for you.

I feel as if I've suddenly lost a huge part of my life. When I left for my train it was as if I was leaving you forever. I was leaving us. 

I'm so angry at you. Why didn't you try for us? We could have made this work.

I don't know what to do now. I'm so lost.

Just give me some candy before I go.

We're beyond repair now.

I've usually watched the demise of a relationship as a third party. A spectator.

I can't fix this by myself, I need you on board. I've got through this whole relationship doing all of the work. Keeping us strong. But now I'm weak. I just want you closer, is that alright?

I'd be a fool to throw this all away after everything I've put into it but you're not giving me much of a choice. You are making me fight for something that doesn't even feel worth fighting for but I'm so afraid that if I don't I'll lose you.



The funniest, no, saddest part of all of this is that you don't think there's anything wrong with our relationship.

One day, baby, we'll be old.

Oh baby, we'll be old and think of all the stories that we could of told.

I don't think about you all the time but when I do I wonder why.



The difference between who you thought you'd be and who you are.

03012013

It's my birthday in a week. I'm going to be 21. Scary.

Go to www.instagram.com/chiiiiiiiips for some photies.

I know everyone says this at the beginning of every year, but this year is actually going to be my year. 2013.

Turning point.

Save me from drowning in the sea, beat me up on the beach.

You're turning me into someone you hate. You're turning me into a nag. A whine. A moan. 

I feel like whenever I voice how I feel it falls on deaf ears. 

Emotionally I need more from you. It's horrible to love someone and get nothing back. How am I supposed to know you feel the same? You don't show it. I'd take your word for it but when was the last time I got an 'I love you'? I just want to feel special. Is that too much to ask?

I just want you close where you can stay forever. You can be sure that it will only get better.

I've said all this before, one way or another. Nothing has been resolved. I don't wan't to give up, I want to work through it but I need you to work with me, not against me. Help me fix this.

Sometimes I wonder if you realise how much I am hurting. I hope you don't, otherwise you've just been ignoring my feelings. 

Why can't you want me like the other boys do? They stare at me while I stare at you. Why can't I keep you safe as my own? One moment I have you, the next you are gone.

Around his little finger, that boy has got me curled. I try to reach out but he's in his own world.  This boy's got my head tied in knots with his games, I simply want him more because he looks the other way.


I feel like we're deteriorating. Our connection is deteriorating, like a rusted ball and chain you're dying to get out of. Is there no saving us? Whenever I voice how I feel I'm shot down. I'm over-reacting. How can I know how you feel if you won't tell me? You're turning me into a nag and I'm not, I'm really not. It's exhausting me. I need 'us' back.

Is it because I'm broken? I would hope that there was more to us but I can understand if it's an issue. I just wish you would talk to me, I will try to fix it.

1826

I've had 1826 page views since I started this page in... 2008? Or there abouts. Achievement or disappointment? I'll let you decide.

Anyone that's passing here, do you have instagram? I do.
And you can nosey through my pictures here at http://instagram.com/chiiiiiiiips

Home is wherever I am with you.

I am a whole different kind of human being. I have so much love to give. 

You're making it so difficult to love you. It's as if you're challenging me, testing me, trying my limits. 

Why do I even come here any more? It used to be my place to vent and arrange my thoughts. It's changed from an outlet to a cry for help. I can't bring myself to talk to anyone.

You make me feel like you're totally uninterested in what I have to say, what's on my mind. Do you even know how that feels? I am putting so much into this and getting nothing in return. 

If anyone's out there. Let's meet up.

The only one.

While you're away I go crazy. I conjure up situations you may be in, it drives me mad.

When you come back, it's as if we've just met and you're falling in love with me all over again.

Before you go away we're at each others throats. Sick to the back teeth of each other.

When you go away I'm glad for some time on my own.

While you're away I'm craving to have you back.

Ice cream.

I'm not one for revenge of grudges, but I cannot wait to go back to her town and show her up. Show her that she is so insignificant, that my life is better than hers.

But most of all, that he's mine.

She can get to fuck.

Over-worked and under-paid.

I am constantly feeling overwhelmed. There's an obvious connection between when I'm busy at work and when I feel this way.

It makes me lose my appetite. It makes me binge eat. it makes me lash out at you. It makes me very tired. I find myself crying at anything. Just now, watched a bit on the Olympic torch; greeting like a baby.

But I never recognise that it's work induced stress because I don't let my work or the amount of it bother me. I deal with my work load well, I prioritise everything that needs done and I make sure to do only as much as I'm capable. So, I find it difficult to blame my work for my mood therefore leaving me trying to point the finger, finding a cause. I am usually the cause.

I am constantly blaming myself. I have a sort of "I am not anything different" way of thinking. I'm convinced that everyone gets this way (and why should I be any different?) and that they all deal with it themselves, so I should be able to deal with everything. Anything. But everything is a lot of stuff and it gets to me.

Then I instantly feel bad because I can't deal with everything which makes me feel like less of a person (which, I know, is crazy) thus making me feel even worse. Vicious circle.

Over all, feeling sorry for myself, crying at soaps and eating my weight in chocolate. Just like every other hormonal woman! Fml.

You came like a missile, falling on my head with the black sky. Think you're giving but you're taking my life away.

Like the drunk you convinced was sober, you keep me falling over. Think you're giving but you're taking my life away.

With the best of intentions, you tried to give an ocean direction. Think you're giving but you're taking my life away.

I've been going crazy.

There are some nights i hold you close, pushing you to hold me or begging you to lock me up, never let me see the world. Some nights I live in horror of the people or the radio. Tea parties and twitter. I've never been so bitter... and you, why you wanna stay? Oh my god, have you listened to me lately? Lately, I've been going crazy. So crazy... and you, why do you want to stay?

There are some nights I wait for someone to save us but I never look inward, try not to look upward and some nights I pray a sign is gonna come to me but usually I'm just trying to get some sleep. Some nights!

Well, some nights, I wish that this all would end 'cause I could use some friends for a change. And some nights, I'm scared you'll forget me again. Some nights, I always win. I always win.

I'm your number one fan.

I don't know why I love you. I just know I can't stop thinking of you. Oh wait, it's cause you make me smile. You always make me smile.

Please don't take him, even though you can.

Now, I can easily understand how you could easily take my man but you do not know what he means to me, Jolene. Well, you can have your choice of men but I could never love again. He's the only one for me, Jolene. I had to have this talk with you 'cause my happiness depends on you and whatever you decide to do, Jolene.

Geeking.

Is it etiquette? No one gives a shit but me. I'm on my own.

Nowhere, here we are in the middle of it. We're not in sync, we're a sinking ship.

Going nowhere, nowhere fast.

Bet she was all over you like a fucking rash. She's just a home wrecker. Don't even know why you still talk to her. I'm in an absolute headfuck right now, my grans passed away so what do you do? Go out and get pissed with your ex that's always trying to get you back? Yeah. That's just fucking great. Thanks a lot for walking all over me.

Why am I even surprised? Shaking with anger and I'm not sure why.

No, wait, I am sure. I'm sure you're a pillock. Sometimes I feel like I am so good to you, I certainly try to be an understanding-as-fuck girlfriend and get nothing back.

See you later.

Make things look smart and easy.

The Cardigans – Happy Meal II

"And now I've found a partner, no one can be happier than I am. And now I've found a new friend, no one can be happier than me."

I spend a lot of time focusing on faults and flaws. I forget the really good stuff. Although, I'm sure you can all relate.

Feeling so fucking sorry for myself and it gets me nowhere.

I really need someone I can talk to.

This must be the place.

I've almost missed out on what all of my friends are experiencing because I'm not a student. Not that I'm particularly bothered, you can't miss what you've never had. But I'm missing it, I'm not involved.

No student entry, discounts, weekends that start on Thursday, drinking a lot, smoking more, flat share, student loan, over draft, one night stands/flings... none of that.

Then again, no hand ins, no late for class, no studying. No pressure to 'do well'.

My whole life, my attitude, has always been based around not being pressured to do well. And the result? I have average grades, an average job, a very average life and average ambitions. I've never thought yo should push children to do things they don't want to do, but as a child I only wanted to eat chocolate and play The Sims... which didn't get me very far.

So I guess this must be the place, the limbo, between failure and success, happiness and sadness. To be honest, it's rather mundane but I don't have the drive to move up the ladder, find a goal or just do something.

Navigate me through your body.

This year isn't going to be a good one. Urgh.

Not trying to be over dramatic at all. I can tell, it's going to be bad. Nothing's gone right yet.

For maximum emotion, open the "a song" tab to the right.

Story time.

All me and my boyfriend have been doing recently was arguing. Not over anything in particular, stupid things. It escalates until I end up in the biggest huff and he's pissed because he doesn't understand why I'm so annoyed. I'm so annoyed because I'm stubborn.

So, it's almost Christmas, I invite him over for a night in before he goes back home, few hundred miles away. He's gone for a week, it's not the end of the world, I get really crazy when we're apart.

He come's around to my house. I'm not home from work yet. I come in, it's blowing a hooly outside and I'm a mess. he's there, quite the thing, on my sofa. Everyone else has left and it's just us... bliss. We do a gift exchange, christmas presents. Lovely. Pot noodles and super noodles, trashy tea time telly and a box of chocolates.

I wander over to the table, find my bank statement and another envelope. I then go on to rant about how my family never let me know if there's mail for me, they just leave it on the table. It's really frustrating. I open this envelope, assuming it's a receipt for something or a news letter from one of the many shops I buy from online. I'm always skint. But it's not. It's from the NHS. About a month ago I went for an MRI scan. About a month before that I got blood tests. It's about the blood tests.

Blood test results - positive. I've never been speechless before, in my life. I just read it, saying "No, no, no...", wrapping myself around his waist.

After a while of me trying to shrug the letter off, completely ignoring it and pretending it never happened, he asks me, "how do you feel about it?". the only thing I could say back was, "I don't know". I still don't know.

It was one of those moments when you realise how insignificant all the things you worry about really are. The world is bigger than this. I have to live for now, not for the past.

Casually cruel. Can't you see what everybody wants from you?

Things I want out of the next year:

My own place/to move out

New job

New people

I started writing this and I honestly can't think. All well and good thinking of things I might want, but what about what I need? Truth be told I don't need anything. The mental list of things I want is ever growing. Everything ever is never enough.

I've also been trying to make up my '5 year plan', thongs I'd like to have done in the next 5 years.

I don't even want to think that far ahead. I'll be 25 by then. I'm shitting it.

P.s.

Congrats to me, this is post #300. It's only taken me my whole adolescence to get here.

I'll kiss you again, between the bars.

People you've been before that you don't want around anymore. They push, shove, won't bend to your will. I'll keep them still.

I miss this.

I want you to know how incredibly blessed I feel that you're my facebook friend. That once upon a time I knew you. That I can look back on times in my life and smile widely and say, "I sat for five hours just talking and drinking coffee in this little place in the middle of Glasgow." To say that for three hours one night in the Carling Academy I felt loved and scared and used and dirty and elated and ecstatic and you were right there with me, experiencing it.

After all, what happened at the Enemy, stays at the Enemy. That's right? Right? God, tell me it's right.

Don't fall in love with me because I will write about it.

Never.

I understand what I am still too proud to mention to you.

You say you understand but you don't understand.

You say you'll never give up seeing eye to eye.

But never is a promise and you can't afford to lie.

My fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown to you.

You say "don't fear your dreams", it's easier than it seems.

You say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high.

But never is a promise and you can't afford to lie.

You say it looks as though I might give up this fight.

I realise what I am now too smart to mention to you.

You say you understand, you'll never understand.

I say I'll never wake up knowing how or why.

I don't know what to believe in. You don't know who I am.

You say I need appeasing when I start to cry.

But never is a promise and I never need a lie.

Up in the air.

Photos are for people who can’t remember. Drink some gingko and let the photos burn. In fact let everything burn and imagine waking up tomorrow with nothing.

It’s kind of exhilarating isn’t it? That is how I approach every day.

I'll be composing my third photo album this week. I never want to forget this.

Wipe the sleep from your eyes.

I'm in a very sad mood.

I miss having friends. I miss Smiddy. And Jamie. I miss the fun I had with Cassie. I miss making Danielle laugh. I miss going to Gabbys house.

I don't know.

Lovers' carvings.

This doesn't even sound like me any more. So much is changing around me, I can't help but do the same, I can't keep up.

I've come so far from what I was. I'm not grown up yet but I'm growing. I don't want to grow old, bring me all the toys you can find.

"So, I am forgetting everything from now on. The past is exactly that, it's past, no longer important to me. Guess what I'm looking forward to? The future. What's to come? Phone numbers, rain and sun, holidays, new friends. I love meeting new people, it's something that comes all inclusive with that "future" package I received. I chucked my Past in the bin, it was getting old." o6-o3-o9

I know exactly who I want to be now. I want to be the girl in front of the art easel, with long, flowing blonde hair. She's wearing a faded blue shirt that's three sizes too big for her. She's got legs up to her shoulders. She doesn't need make up.

But I can only be me. Being me is much easier that being anyone else. Not half as exciting, but less effort.

Nothing I write is ever good enough.

Come on.

Come on, Heather. Do something new. Something different. No, don't moan about how dull your life is now.

I made it this way. It was my own choice. Fault. I didn't know how to quit while I was ahead. Now all I ever do is quit. Well, no, I give up. Give in.

Some negative prick I met on Saturday outside my local made some remark about making do with what you're given. I stared at him, eyes totally glazed over, just thinking, 'Is this it? Jesus Christ. What the hell am I doing here?', stubbed out my cigarette and got another drink in. It was a slow night.

What I mean to say is, yes, you are the only person that cares, Mr Anonymous. But that's okay, it's been that long. And, thank you. As much as it's not about doing it for other people, it's the complete opposite actually... but it's nice to have some acknowledgement. Just once.

291.

Posts.

Eurgh. This is so sad. I'm never here any more. I'm not creative any more. Rather than create, I've got a job so I can buy things other people have created. My room is full of prints, clothes and jewellery that I've paid silly amounts of money for.

Today I bumped into my old teacher. Well, I was never actually in his class but we always chatted.

The way I was talking, I sounded so interesting. He practically got my life story. Now I feel like a fool. I am not that interesting at all.

What am I? I am 9 to 5. I am living for the weekends. I am slave to the wage. I am do as your told. One-man woman. Sensible shoes. Getting bye. Can't be bothered.

I will surround your heart with lies until the end.

It was easier to tell you everything you want to hear.

I am such a good girlfriend and I put up with so much.

Yet, the minute I'm down and out where are you?

What do I have to do to get you to see me? Do I have to spell it out to you? I'm not well and I'm not alright. Just help me.

You had my heart inside of your hand.

The scars of your love remind me of us, they keep me thinking that we almost had it all.

I miss you.

I don't miss you, I miss the too-good-to-be-true memory I have of you.

I miss how you made me feel like the most important thing in your life.

I miss the tales you would spin.

But I don't miss how you built me up to knock me down.

Nor do I miss the lies that were weaved into the promises.

And I certainly don't miss the feeling when I realised that you are the most important person in your life.

The perfect boy.

Oh, girl. He's not the one, for sure. He's not so wonderful. He's not the perfect boy at all.

Sometimes I wonder if you even liked The Cure, or if you just liked them so we'd have something in common.

Could I have loved you better?

It was only five years ago. Only? Who am I trying to kid, it feels life forever.

Time is a great healer and I'm a perfect example. After my first 'love' I swore I'd never love again. I'm glad I've found someone that could make me think differently. He did all that and he didn't even have to try.

Funny how time can go by and you're convinced other people have changed. I've come to realise I've never been the same. I probably won't be, either.

Rambles. I'm a shambles.

I'm sore all over. So it must have been a good night, right?

I'll be forever wondering what it all meant. Maybe it didn't mean anything? It didn't mean anything at all, really. It shouldn't do. What does anything mean anyway.

BEDTIMERAMBLER.

Horrendous.

I am so sick of being so good all the time.

Always, being good.

Heather, how's work?

Yeah, it's great, thanks.

Heather, coming for a fag?
Nah, I don't smoke.

Heather, how's that boyfriend of yours?

Yeah, he's good. We're good.

I want to stop being good and start being great. So fucking great. I want to be dreadful.

I gave up on the daily photo. I'm too busy procrastinating.

Day Three - A picture of the cast from your favourite show.

I'm going to do day four on friday. I'm a busy bee.

How could it be any other show? Phoebe is my fave. And Joey. And Chandler... I love it.

Day Two - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest.

How can I be closer with anyone that how I am with my mum? She definitely wins this category. As much as we don't get along, she knows me inside out.

Day one - A picture of yourself with five facts.

Five facts?

My name is Heather Cameron. Fact.

I spend far more money that I can afford. Fact.

I don't share a lot. Fact.

My taste in music is atrocious. Fact.

My family are the best.

30 day challenge.

Day One - A picture of yourself with five facts.

Day Two - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest.

Day Three - A picture of the cast from your favourite show.

Day Four - A picture of your night.

Day Five - A picture of your favourite memory.

Day Six - A picture of the person you'd love to trade places with for a day.

Day Seven - A picture of your most treasured item(s).

Day Eight - A picture that makes you laugh.

Day Nine - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

Day Ten - A picture of the person you do the most crazy things with.

Day Eleven - A picture of something you hate.

Day Twelve - A picture of something you love.

Day Thirteen - A picture of your favourite band of artist.

Day Fourteen - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.

Day Fifteen - A picture of something you want to do before you die.

Day Sixteen - A picture of someone who inspires you.

Day Seventeen - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.

Day Eighteen - A picture of your biggest insecurity.

Day Nineteen - A picture and a letter.

Day Twenty - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.

Day Twenty One - A picture of something you wish you could forget.

Day Twenty Two - A picture of something you wish you were better at.

Day Twenty Three - A picture of your favorite book.

Day Twenty Four - A picture of something you wish you could change.

Day Twenty Five - A picture of your day.

Day Twenty Six - A picture of something that means a lot to you.

Day Twenty Seven - A picture of yourself and a family member.

Day Twenty Eight - A picture of something you're afraid of.

Day Twenty Nine - A picture that can always make you smile.

Day Thirty - A picture of someone you miss.

I want a girl with a mind like a diamond. I want a girl who knows what's best. I want a girl with shoes that cut and eyes that burn like cigarettes. I want a girl with the right allocations, who is fast and thorough and sharp as a tack, she is playing with her jewelry, she is putting up her hair, she is touring the facility and picking up slack. I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket.

I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late. I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity. Who uses a machete to cut through red tape. With fingernails that shine like justice and a voice that is dark like tinted glass. She is fast, thorough and sharp as a tack, she is touring the facility and picking up slack. I want a girl with a short skirt and a long, long jacket.

I want a girl with smooth liquidation. I want a girl with good dividends. At Citi Bank we will meet accidently, we will start to talk when she borrows my pen. She wants a car with a cup holder armrest. She wants a car that will get her there. She is changing her name from Kitty to Karen. She is trading her MG for a white, Chrysler LeBaron. I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket.

Come and save me.

Latte Junkie.

Working nine to five, raking in the dough. Typing these fingers to the bone. Good morning, McArthur Stanton, how can I help? That £1.75 of Caramel Latte is the only thing that gets me through the day.

I'm losing my mind.

Apparently photographs are for people who can't remember but I'm so terrified that I might forget.

Balance

Far away in a distant land, there's these four kids that grew up firm friends. Ambition is the youngest, a bright eyed kid with a numbness where his logic should have been 'cause he was ruled by his hungers. Next there was Pride. Now, Pride walked with a broad stride because he hid from himself his weaknesses. Yeah, people loved being near him, they couldn't tell whether they liked him or feared him. They found his self confidence endearing. Next there was Talent, Talent was beautiful and gallant. She lived for her senses though and not for her sense and so her poor heart was covered in dents. The oldest was Envy. Envy's eyes often seemed empty. She would talk loud in lengthy sentences. She was friendless, sensitive, tall and cold and her eyes were green like your skin when it gets marked by fake gold.

So they grew up and they fell out, they made up and they got drunk, they hung out from sun up to sun and they got done in and they hit the ground running. They looked forward and found something but it all turned to nothing when Pride got with Talent, Envy with Ambition, they forgot how to listen. Things changed, became different. everything was competition. Talent and Pride became bitter. Despised, they got hateful. Sarcastic, dreary and drastic. Yeah they loved each other greatly but their fights were terrible. They raised each other high up on pedistools. They isolated themselves. They stopped speaking to Ambition and Envy, they became distant and unfriendly. That's when Envy got sad and cried plenty. Then indignation roused, she discovered she wanted more than she had found with Ambition, he was always looking but only got what he was given, concerned not with what his hands held but what they could be gripping. He was always chasing, never thought to fill the space in and Envy made him more desperate with very pointed conversation, forcing the comparisons, making him address how every time he promised more she always ended up with less.

And so, in this way, these four firm friends became four fierce forces, heading for that awkward stage that precedes most divorces. Four joint segments or a one body party, just drifted apart and turned nasty. But Pride keeps Envy at bay, Ambition helps Talent become ore than just apparent. Talent will then flourish, this will enable Pride which quells Envy. They should exist side by side 'cause these factors contribute to Balance. Alone, Pride is often Envious of Talents and yeah, many have Ambition but Talent, they haven't and some have Talent and they get Envious of proud Ambition and so, alone, these four friends came to realise that, without the others,they're just a quarter of what they ought to be. Still, everything occurs accordingly. Now when they meet up, conversation seems to float awkwardly so they're just living seperate lives thinking "There used to be more to me."

Kate.

"Give me the same as what you've having. You look happy, you look so care free... Oh, no, wait a minute, you look scary. And you look like you can't bear me. Oh well. Give me water, then. Give me sleep. Give me food to eat that doesn't leave me weak. Fuck that, I need a box of wine, 'cause every face is yours and your face ain't mine. I need to get stern with myself, I have extremely high hopes. I also have wet eyes and a dry throat and a whole heap of rhymes that I wrote. So give me time on my own. Oh no, wait, give me people to talk to. I'm going mad and I'm weak willed. keep still and breath quietly. I need recovery, somebody cuddle me. Give me time on my own! No, shit, I need people to talk to...

I've been awake all night, just writing. Sick of myself. Fighting the urge to get rid of myself. I'm so exposed, I've hidden myself. Honestly, I can't live with myself. I can't stop giving myself a hard time. i can't stop giving and I can't stop taking and I get lost in this give-take. But now it's sunrise and your eyes are a cliff face that I fall off every morning. Yes, I'm appalling but calm me down, give me kind words. Come here and put your arms around me. Let your heart beat drown mine out since you found me. So just give me some space. No wait, come here, crowd me. "

Take it.

If you want my love, take it, baby. If you want my heart, take it, baby. You can have it all. If you want my time, take it, baby. And if you want my last dime, take it, baby. You can have it all.

Take it, baby, you can have it all.

I am so sorry.

And so it is.

I love that you love my squidgy tummy, my prickly legs the day after I've shaved them even though they're minging. I love that you don't mind my eating habits, the amount I eat or putting my frozen chips in the oven. I love that you put up with my laziness, my morning breath, my tendency to steal your clothes and my bad taste in music. I love that you give me cuddles before I fall asleep even though you find it really uncomfy.

I just. Yeah. Love you.

Time to dance.

Fuck as drunk?

Believe me, I want to stay.

A tune that reminds me there's more to life than worrying.

A weekend isn't well spent when you're searching for frozen peas 'cause someone's decided to punch your boyfriends lights out.

Fuck. My. Life. That's just a bit too much reality for my liking.

Friends.

I always thought we were like Ross and Rachel. More preferably, JD and Elliot. On again, off again, friends again, not again. But I always thought, like them, it'd work out.

Always though that I'd have to watch you with other people, painfully. That I'd kid myself, pretend I'm happy with someone else. That I'd forever hate you for leaving me but forever take you back at the drop of a hat.

And I did, I hated you. And I loved you.

And I realise now, there's more to life than you. You might stop but my world doesn't. You are not a Jenga block. Everything didn't collapse when you did a runner. Maybe it did a little... But I picked it up.

Stronger without you.

I was stupid to think that you'd be my first and only.

I just want you close, where you can stay forever. You can be sure that it will only get better.

Pas peur de la couleur.

Going all nature on your ass. My new family of caterpillars have brought me into the garden more often, atleast twice a day. We had a down pour today, the minute I got home I ran out to check they were okay. They did not respond well to me giving one of them a stroke.



They were all I'M GONNA BITE YOU.

Aren't the adorable?

They're destroying a plant in my garden. I don't mind. Fingers crossed the birds don't spot them... then again, they're fairly well hidden.

What?

Just when you're in your happy place with Mr Fantastic that seems perfect. Your gay best friend sticks his tongue down your throat and you realise you fancy the girl that works in the corner shop.

What. The. Fuck.

I live for saturday nights.

Blind Mary.

I'll make you mixtape that's a blueprint of my soul. It may sound grand but, babe, it's all you need to know. I'll make you a mixtape that will charm you into bed. It details everything that's runnung round my head.

Me, you. Pomplamoose. Say Hi. Pokemon. Chip rolls. "The dip". Pauline and Fiona. Size 11 shoes. Kelso building, floor 2, room 1. Pepperamis. Me in your hat and shirt. Sainsburys own brand of vodka. Open curtains. 'Fine'. Pineapple Man and the Whale. Secret stash of galaxy and cheese and onion crisps. The niceness. Fantastic. Amazing. Msn drawings. Pretend huffs. That time you made me cry? That time you told me to stick around forever. That time after that when I wanted to say the same. The cheese. 3 texts in the morning rule. Back scratching. Tickles that I hate. Planetarium. Lynx deoderant. The thinks. Interlocking bodies. BUM.

Come home.

I couldn't think of anything special, meaningful or relevant to our relationship that might make you smile. I wanted to put something here that would reasure you I might not say much to you but I do miss you.

I would save every single penny that I earn if I thought that I could buy you somewhere to live.

Sammy doll, come home.

Goodbye.

Sometimes it's hard to get better or cry. I have been writing this letter in my mind. And don't get emotional, it's beautiful. Listen, i'll tell you a secret. If I should ever feel like going home, I'd jump so I could fly. I'd be one, with every piece of sand, with every mountain high. Don't tell me I'm wrong and that it break your heart, because that's just the way I feel. I love it here, but I don't belong here and it's been clear for a while. Will be clear. End of all the fights. From the dark,into the light. From the dark, into the light. Goodbye.

We make it every time.

I'll be the one who brings you coffee when you can't get up. I'll be the one who turns the light out when you go to sleep. I'll be the one who turns your stomach into something else. You say "shut up, shut up" every time I say I'll be the one who takes your coat off, one to take the blame. I'll be the one you call your lover, every now and then. You'll be the one who keeps me sober, one to keep me sane and you say "shut up, shut up" every time I say it.

And I'd cut my fingers to the bone and I'd split my sides in for you. Tonight, we throw ourselves away and we make it every time. When I thought I was ok, you said I was alright. As the night comes crashing down, we catch ourselves a line. Yeah we're only makin' out if we make it out alright.

I'll be the one who stands beside you in the photograph. I'll be the one that's in your water when you want me there. I'll be the one you're falling over every time you laugh and you say "shut up, shut up" every time I say I'll be the one who keeps you guessing, who swears a lot. I'll be the one that let your colour in the white wash. You'll be the one that knocks the man out I was beating up and you say "shut up, shut up" every time I say it.

And you cut my face, I told you so. I'd tear my eyes out for you. Tonight, we throw ourselves away and we make it every time. When I thought I was ok, you said I was alright. As the night comes crashing down, we catch ourselves a line. Yeah, we're only makin' out, if we make it out alright.

You are the only exception.

From a sour bottle, baby girl, with eyes the size of baby worlds.

Me And You And Everyone We Know.

This is the most amazing film in the world.

Unsettled.

Far from content.

My unreliable friends make me wonder why I bother. I don't want to be one of those girls that has no friends other than her boyfriend but it's difficult when the pals never leave their houses. What to do, what to do.

Never Meant.

Let's just forget everything we said and everything we did. Best friends, better halves, goodbyes and the autumn night when we realized we were falling out of love. There were some things that were said, that weren't meant, like we never did. Not to be overly dramatic, I just think it's best 'cause you can't miss what you forget. So let's just pretend everything and anything between you and me was never meant.

I'm All Over It.

Hello innocence, though it seems though we’ve been friends for years. I’m finishing. How I wish it had never begun though it should be the last one. And it’s dragging me down to my knees where I’m begging you, please, let me go. Don’t you know I’m all over it now and I cant say how glad I am about that. I’m all over it now ‘cos I worked and I cursed and I tried and I said I could change and I lied. Where there’s something still moves me inside. She’s a melody that I’ve tried to forget but I can’t. It still follows me. When I wake in the dead of the night and I know that I can’t fight that song going round in my head like the last thing she said, "Please don’t go". You’d think I know.

I’m all over it now and I cant say how glad I am about that. I’m all over it now ‘cos I worked and I cursed and I cried and I said I could change and I lied. Where there’s something still moves me inside. Now I wont come back, I wont come back. No I wont come back, no I wont come back.

One dark morning she left without warning and took the redeye back to London town.

I’m all over it now.

Blood.

We want it.

I wish smoking wasn't so horrible. If it didn't smell so horrid and taste terrible I'd without a doubt be back on fags. I was so cool.

Live love today, and come tomorrow what may. Don't even stop for a sigh, it doesn't help if you cry. That's how I'll live and I'll die, devil may care!

10/10.

All the cheap and sugary philosophies have got me on the fence, just waiting and waiting.

I was just outside The Clyde when my Dad called. "Your brother's been taken into hospital, he's okay, but we're going to come and pick you up." He's in hospital but he's okay... I don't think so.

He hadn't been well. Hayfever, completely normal for him especially this time of the year. A couple of days he was loaded with hayfever. On Sunday he felt particularly unwell. He went to work, 5am to 10.30am, his normal. He came home straight after and went straight to bed, not unusual. He woke up for dinner at 5, had a shower and they headed around to my Uncle & Aunts house, it's just around the road. They had their meal, a couple of drinks. He was only feeling worse, decided he'd best get home and to bed. My Uncle walked him to the gate, it has a thousand locks on it that no one seems to understand. As they walked down the drive, my Uncle felt a heavy weight on his back, James' arms on his shoulders. Down like a tonne of bricks, so he was.

Cardiac arrest. Apparently you'r heart just decided "sorry pal, i'm taking a moment to myself the now". In turn, your brain is starved of oygen causing everything to shut down.

The ambulance came in 4 minutes, pretty fast if you ask me. You always hear about emergency services having shoddy time keeping and all that but they were there in a jiffy. They brought out the difubrillator and gave him a wee buzz. He came to and, confused, swung at most of the people in the ambulance. It took 4 nurses to keep him down.

He's been kept sedated, paralysed and on a good amount of painkillers. There's a machine breathing for him the now until he can manage it himself. They've told us today that he has a chest infection from vomit that he'd chocked on, while he was unconcious, that's been inhaled into his lungs. The doctors will try to prevent this from developing into pnemonia.

He's 20, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink excessively. He keeps a good, varied diet. A young, healthy lad. He's had a heart condition all his life that we've only just found out about. His heart is too big. the muscles are too thick, his heart can over work itself and not pump blood properly. The doctor said if the circumstanced has been any different, his chances of survival would have been very slim.

My Dads side of the family have alot of medical history regarding heart conditions. All of his Mums brothers and sisters died between 20 and 40. I'll need to go to the doctors once this has all blown over to get checked.

And, that's that I guess?

It's been the worst weekend of my life.

In A Years Time.

One year ago I had different friends. I had a plan, I had college and learning and all the stupid stuff I knew I wouldn't stick to. A year ago I had it easy.

Heather Cameron; The Working Girl.

I've probably learnt more in the past week that I did during the whole of my 5th and 6th years at school. And the time spent at college, albeit was only briefly.


I've just finished downloading the RE: Brand series. He looks like such a junkie. Recommend anyone to download.

Ducklings.

Devotchka – How It Ends makes me so full of happy.

Hi, my name's Heather and I have a job. I earn money. I sell mother fucking houses.

Bet that's something no one thought I'd ever say.

Untitled.

I give myself very good advice but I very seldom follow it.

Things are good right now.

Celebration.

Congratulations, reached 11 followers! To me, that's a big deal. The majority of these 11 are probably bots though. Sad fact.

Excuse Me?

Half past 2 in the morning and you're horrifically drunk. After pestering me for hours to call you, I do. Then when we're chatting, you tell me you're too busy and you'll call me back. I can hear her in the background and no matter how many times I ask who are you with you won't tell me. I hang up. You don't call me back.

You don't remember this the next day but you do remember being with her and not wanting to tell me because I might jump to conclusions... can you honestly blame me?

After hours of conversations about how I shouldn't hold back from telling you anything, you go and blatantly do the opposite. -10 trust points bro.

Margaret Mitchell -

I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken, and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.

Jack Penate – Have I Been A Fool

Snowcones And Puppies.

and watching you sing.

It's been a few months now, us, in the running. Not even an official item yet I still imagine the future... sad, isn't it?

But there hasn't been anyone I can be physically comfortable with in so long. As much as I'm out-going and loud and friendly, that doesn't stop me being absurdly self-concious as are most women. So you can understand why I wouldn't like anyone touching my thighs, hips, love handles or tummy. But I let you because you re-assure me that you love my 'squidge' (but it'd help if you didn't reffer to it as that).

It's funny 'cause we've been friends for about 5 months, friends with 'privileges' for a month of so, it's going to come crashing down fairly soon... But I honestly couldn't care less! Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, right? I'd much rather have hundreds of brilliant memories of us and a brief blip of sadness than nothing at all. Who even said this has to be the end? Sure as hell doesn't seem as if you want it to be.

There is love of course. And then there's life, its enemy.

You quiver like a candle on fire, I'm putting you out. Maybe tonight we could be the last shout. But I'm fascinated by your style, your beauty will last for a while.

You're feeling instead of being. The more that I live on the inside, there's nothing to give. I'm infatuated by your moves. I've got to search hard for your clues.

I want to repair your desire and call it a gift that I stole from just wanting to live. Now I see the vision through your eyes, your innocence no longer fuels surprise.

Trying to outrun your fear, running to lose. Heart on your sleeve and your soul in your shoes. Take a left, a sharp left and another left. Meet me on the corner and we'll start again.

Parting Gift.

I opened my eyes while you were kissing me once, more than once, and you looked as sincere as a dog. Just as sincere as a dog does when it's the food on your lips with which it's in love. I bet you could never tell that I knew you didn't know me that well. It is my fault, you see, you never learned that much from me. Oh you silly stupid pastime of mine. You were always good for a rhyme. And from the first, to the last time, the signs said 'Stop' - but we went on whole-hearted. It ended bad, but I love what we started. It said 'Stop' - but we went on whole-hearted. It ended bad, but I love what we started.

I Am Wrecked.

You don't want 9 to 5 and you don't want a house and kids. You want to live life.

But I couldn't ask for anything else. Just some normality after this hectic mess. All I've got right now is what every other teen would dream of. Late nights and later mornings, only returning home because I've ran out of money, living out of the Bank of Mum. Drink. Drugs. Cigarettes. Boys, boys, boys. I hate this game but I'm one of the players.

I'd like something set in stone, nothing is for sure in this life.

My life will only ever be as normal as I am. A boy in make up.

Don't You Like What's On Your Plate?

It's all for show. The stage lights glow.




So let's update. Heather Cameron; 18, still small, still a bit podgey, still lazy as hell. Now on the dole. Now looking for a job. Now absolutely skint. Now there are so many strings attached.

I think I might be losing the plot. It would look as if, at the moment, the world isn't on my side. I'm awfully negative these days.

Twice As Nice.

I think you look nice, twice as nice as anybody else so please don't lose your mind 'cause it doesn't belong to anybody else.

This is the first time I've been with someone and not minded that we've not stuck a label on it, nothing's set in stone.

Nature Boy.

We fit perfectly. I've not felt this way about anyone in years. Maybe it's because, like him, you'll leave me in the summer months?

Absence makes the heart grow fonder... Out of sight, out of mind?

You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go.

"Drink up one more time and I'll make you mine and keep you apart, deep in my heart. Seperate from the rest, where I like you the best. Keep the things you forgot."

I had an amazing idea for a post, I started it the other day. I really got into it aswell. All about how my bedroom reflects me, myself and I. Then I started thinking and decided "Fuck it, I'm love struck."

Love struck. Struck by love? Dance me to the end of love.

It's going to be the complete opposite of a summer romance. "A summer fling, it didn't mean anything". It's in the lead up to summer that our, er, our 'thing' will bloom. Thing, I'm not even sure what this is. I come up to see you, we get nice and loved up for a good few hours then I go home, not to see you for atleast another week.

This week will be my binge. I'll over-indulge in your company to last another week.

I love your nicknames for me. Never before in my life have I enjoyed being called 'babe' but you say it so well. Honeyloop. Strawberry Cupcake. All of the most cringe worthy of pet names... But I'd rather you call me any of them, rather than Heather.

You say the sweetest things to me. Sweetest nothings. "When I think of you I realise, life's worth while.", "Have I ever told you, you're amazing?" and I'd kill to be able to say "I could stay with you forever and never realise the time" but I know I'd instantly feel embarrassed. I just want to remember every single thing you say to me, want to keep in locked away in my brain box and bring it out during the summer months.

I know I'll blame you. I'll not be happy about our seperation. I've delt with loss before but I've never dealt with it well. But in the end, it's my fault. The moment I met you, I set my trap. I'd decided 'I'm going to get this one', because you were the only one that didn't want me.

I don't know what I'll do but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Right now, I might as well enjoy it.

You're A Winner.

My Mum always describes me as either 'a bit off the rails' or 'just a wee bit different' and I always tell her it'd be so dll if everyone was the same and there weren't people like me to give you a change.

I can't even begin to imagine how those "Normal" people get by. Going by the latest trends and what not... How can you possibley be passionate about anything when all you do is follow the fashions and keep up with the new look?

It's completely beyond me. I couldn't bring myself to throw all of my woolie jumpers and skinnies out to replace them with those floral dresses and them weird lacey things. I'd never discard my Doc's in favour of a pair of Dolly shoes. I don't care if it's cool to have hundreds of hair right now, I love looking like a boy.

And I'd rather look like a clown than anything else.

Nobody Knows It But Me.

I change shapes just to hide in this place.

I read one of my new favourite quotes the other day, goes something like "Suchiehall Street can't contain us, we'll drink 'til we're famous" - Andrew Bradley, is that not just fantastic?

I'll tell you what else is fantastic, hugs. Loving hugs right now. And holding hands, just touching. Sharing and talking and telling stories and getting to know you.

There's nothing I look forward to more these days. If I'm not texting you I'm reading a text from you or thinking of a reply. If I'm not on the phone we're on msn or I'm up at the flat. When I'm not there I'm usually travelling to or from yours. Maybe it's just because It's been a while but it seems like a big deal to me.

I love it when I arrive in peoples lives, unannounced, and grab their attention.

This might be the kick I need for this writers block.

Don't tell yourself you're happy if you ain't.

Kate Tempest is an inspiration. You can tell she puts so much into her work, that every word she speaks is stuffed with emotion and each poem is overflowing with feeling. Watching her on stage, she spoke with so much passion. It's rare to watch a live act and actually think they're focusing more on what they're saying than how it sounds. She's an inspiration and a half.

Oh My God.

Gorillaz – Some Kind of Nature (Feat. Lou Reed)

And! dan le sac vs Scroobius Pip tonight. Ohmygodohmygod.

Balance.

"You've got your ball, you've got your chain tied to me tight, tie me up again."

Don't Look Back In Anger.

Putting practice into play.

What did I say yesterday? "And you've asked me a thousand times if I'm okay, I daren't tell you that I'm not."... I would love to tell you what's wrong but I don't even know. Sometimes I'm a mess, I'm a wreck but I can't describe why.

I couldn't be more embarrassed. I know it's not what you think I think it is.

"Who broke my Heather?"
"You think I'm broken? I'm just temporarily on hold."
"That's a bit cryptic. Do explain, dearest."
"I love it when I'm cryptic! Can't I leave anything to the imagination? It's nothing really, just me being a big girl."
"I thought as much. Don't be silly, it's not what you think. She's like a little sister and I hate insest!"
"No! Don't you be silly! I told you, I'm not silly. I'm just... off right now."

You've hit the nail right on the head. I don't know.

Mystery Letters.

About an hour ago, I felt completely useless. At that moment in time, I was convinced that indulging in past bad habits would make everything okay. Flicking through my Blogger updates to see an old but familiar name was the begining of cheering me up. "Something to read, something to take my mind off of my dreary life." and I read. Then I read again. Then I read another few times.

Reading over that second last paragraph, just reading and re-reading, it made me realise this is not the end of the world, I am not completely worthless, there are plenty of other people I should think about besides myself. The Enemy. God, The Enemy. You couldn't have described it better, "I felt loved and scared and used and dirty and elated and ecstatic and you were right there with me, experiencing it" that's exactly how it was. Absolute madness. Far from the norm. But like you said, we are insane, aren't we?

A million 'thank you's, albeit, a bit late. I'd hate to have you think you're mearly a facebook friend. You are so much more than that. Everytime I walk by Waterstones I get excited. And there's a life size cut out of that silly shiney vampire in the window of Forbidden Planet that I keep telling myself I'm going to buy and ship it to you.

You may hate listening to yourself but I could listen to you for days. There's so much to know. You may also hate reflection but that's the gritty part about blogging! And there's nothing I enjoy more than reading something that you've typed, when it's full of emotion.

I like the silence too. It's comfortable silence, I feel. But never think of yourself as 'just a facebook friend', we have this secret place where we can write to eat other but no one will know. None of this "how are you" nonsense, I like to read about the real stuff. Type more for my amusement? Atleast to pass the time. To get it out in the open. To rage more. I love it when you write. There's been nothing that has come from you that I haven't liked. I still have one, locked away, "My Delilah, you name is lit up now. In blue and red flashes, it gleams on the front door. The torch light shines on your greying face. Your smiling. Your name is finally in lights, my dear Delilah. Hey there, Delilah. They forgot you."

I hope to hear more.

Everything Is Wrong.

"No one can take it away from me, no one can tear it appart 'cause a heart that hurts is a heart that works."

See? This is why I shouldn't try and get close to people. I am a vile person. I am terribley jelous. I am so many horrible things but as much as I try to act like it doesn't bother me... I couldn't possibley be any more upset. Sure, I'm going to be upset right now, it's 'that time' when I get dead emotional about anything.

But I think this will be an on-going problem. The fact of the matter is, you have alot of friends that aren't mine. God... This is all a lot of nonsense and I know I'm freaking out over nothing. I'm hungry and I'm tired and I'm cold and I'm ill, I'm over-reacting. Alot. It could be anything right now that would set me off, we're just unlucky that it's this.

I can't help but think that this, 'us' thing, is never actually going to kick off.

And you've asked me a thousand times if I'm okay, I daren't tell you that I'm not. I couldn't stand the thought that I'd be a burden to you. The idea that you'd have to re-think all of your plans because I might be upset would only make me feel worse.

So, I'll keep my problems to myself and leave you be. I don't want a part of you. I want the whole of you. This is all going far too slow for my liking, so I assume I'm not to your liking.

Up On Melancholy Hill.

According to the internet, these are the men I've to avoid:
Mr Liar Liar, Mr Controlling, Mr Player, Mr Eeyore, Mr Sponger, Mr Mummy's Boy, Mr Doormat, Mr Child Hater, Mr Addict and Mr Never-Been-Single.

Now I want you to think about this; have you ever met a man that isn't partially one of those men?

Exactly. Now shut up and stop being so picky. Beggers can't be choosers.

With These Hands.

You know that feeling you get when something happens? Something that you don't want to happen? Something you didn't even take into consideration.

Shock? It's partially shock. Some of it is just ultimate disappointment. A pinch of anger too. Just so much emotion in the whole of one minute. It's these oments that make me question weither it's worth all of the hasstle.

And you know what I say?

The war has begun.

Help?