There's Nothing But The Rain.

It's so blatantly obvious. We've both made it obvious. I'm still nervous though, regardless. Are you? I think so. You seem it. That would explain why it's taking so long to happen...

But I'm starting to think I've scared you off. The constant talking, wanting attention from you, texting, texting, texting. Never giving you a break from me. Always trying to either show you more about me or remind you.

So now I'm freaking out. Starting to be off with you. Trying not to talk to you as much, on word answers and all of that jazz. The typical 'cold shoulder'. The last thing I want to do is give off the impression that I'm needy. I am not needy! I don't need. Not you, anyone. I'm fine by myself, thank you very much. I'm not afraid of anything, I just need to know that I can breath.

But, It's been so nice having company. Being held. I haven't 'cuddled' with anyone in so long. I've always been dead against it but, man, was I missing out.

Ah, it's only a problem if I make it.

If We Only Stayed Together, I Might Not Have Fallen Apart.

Imagine a place you can always escape to, an island off the coast of nowhere. A new destination of your own creation just waiting till you choose to go there. Blue tree tops and velvet skies, blue, ready to blow your mind. This is a place where your mind can escape all the problems today and go far, far away. This is a time with no history, welcome to mystery. Imagine a city where everything's pretty and you sir, you rule the kingdom. You call the shots you can do what you want to. Oh, just imagine the freedom. Blue tree tops and velvet skies, blue, ready to blow your mind. Welcome to mystery.

Imagine a room where the flowers, they bloom through the cracks in the floor and the ceiling. Just you and the missus and roses and kisses. My, what a wonderful feeling. This is a place where your mind can escape all the problems today and go far, far away. This is a time with no history, welcome to mystery. This is a place where your mind can escape all the problems today and go far, far away. This is a time with no history. Feel no misery. Come and visit me. Welcome to mystery.

Square Smileys.

I started following a new blog today. A very humorous one at that.

Thus, I've decided to stop being so miserable and start refering to the hitchhickers guide to the galaxy more often. How about that.

Soon It Will Be Cold Enough To Build Fires.

And the earth started shaking and, yea, it was crazy. Heaven and Hell came crashing down. It was beautiful and terrible.

Life's strange without my mum in the house. It's not a bad feeling, everything is okay. It's just odd. It's probably not good to say this, but I can come home knowing I'm not going to get an earful of nagging. It's a nice break.

But it works both ways.

Not If You Were The Last Junkie On Earth.

I never thought you'd be a junkie because heroin is so passe. But today, if you think that I don't know about depression and emotional pain; you're insane, or you're a fool who hasn't paid attention to a word that I say. In a way, I can't help but feel responsible, I always knew that you were insane with your pain, but I never thought you'd be a junkie because heroin is so passe.

And I miss your smile. The way your eyes get small when you really smile. Not just a "Ha, I'm smiling for the hell of it" smile. Actual smiles. Those kind of smiles make me feel as if I'm doing something right. A sort of reasurance that I can still make you laugh, make you happy.

And I miss how you flicked your hair. I know that's sad, but it's like a movie hair flick. But you've had a haircut since then.

I don't really miss you, though, I just think I should. Being a big part of my life and all. It's natural that I should miss you. I should miss you, I just don't. The bad in you outweighs the good. Maybe when you can show me that you've grown up, I can show you some sympathy. But, for as long as you're going to make silly mistakes, I can't take your side.

We Only Wanna Get Drunk.

You! I'm sick of you lot. This generation that acts as if it cares what state our planet is in. You're all "Kids are dying" and "Peace on earth". Let's all be honest, if you really gave a crap, you'd do something about it!

Me? I'm trying to live right here, right now. As selfish as it may seem, I'll fuck up this planet all I want, I'm not going to see the effects. I'll leave that pile of shit for that generation.
I. Don't. Care.

I'm sorry, am I being angry for no apparent reason?
Yeah, actually, you are. Fancy shutting the hell up and talking some sense?
...Not any time soon.

Here's the deal. I fancy the pants off of you but neither of us is ballsy enough to do something... Wait a minute... Doesn't this sound a bit like every single guy I've ever mentioned? There's something to think about.

Another blog will arrive shortly.

Imagination.

I see myself, in say... 7 years time? Maybe 7, less that ten... In a big house, or a flat, with lots of windows, a big empty place with too much room and not enough furniture. Infront of an easel, painting something colourful and nice. Big thin baggy jumpers and leggings, short messy hair. Big shoes. Like, skate shoes. No make up. Friends around, that just come and go, like a drop in. Half way house.

Just a thought.

A Design For Life.

Libraries gave us power then work came and made us free, but what price now for a shallow piece of dignity? I wish I had a bottle, right here in my dirty face, to wear the scars, to show from where I came. We don't talk about love, we only want to get drunk and we are not allowed to spend as we are told that this is the end. A design for life.

Chums.

Buds. Pals. Whatever. I've got them.


I’ve got a sheet for my bed and a pillow for my head. I’ve got a pencil full of lead and some water for my throat. I’ve got buttons for my coat and sails on my boat, so much more than I needed before. I got money in the meter and a two bar heater, now it’s getting hotter. Oh it’s only getting sweeter. I got legs on my chair and a head full of hair. Pot and a pan and some shoes on my feet. I got a shelf full of books and most of my teeth, a few pairs of socks and a door with a lock. I got food in my belly and a license for my telly and nothing’s gonna bring me down. I got a nice guitar and tyres on my car. I got most of the means and scripts for the scenes. I’m out and about, so I’m in with a shout. I got a fair bit of chat but better than that, food in my belly and a license for my telly and nothing's going to bring me down. Nothing’s gonna bring me down. But best of all I’ve got my baby. She’s mighty fine and says she’s all mine and nothing’s going to bring me down.

One post imediately after the other. They had to be seperate.

Oh, Hi.

I didn't think you were here anymore...

+)

Good God.

I started this off a few hours ago, writing about how miserable I am because of the upcoming corperate holiday. Shortly after, I realised that people have real problems.

I have a hunger
That can never be touched.
Everything ever
Is never enough.

So, my brother crashed his car today. Apparently if it wasn't for magical air bags, he'd be in the same state as the car. I want to give him hundreds of hugs. My dad was talking about a guy at his work who lost his son in a car accident just 3 months ago. His son was the same age as my brother. I don't really want to be in a car again... Atleast, not until there is no ice.

I don't know how I feel right now.

Igloo.

Look. Rummage. Find. Prepair. Strike. Slash. Wait... Drip, drip, drip. Clean. Wipe. Done.

Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts.

I'm not well. Not well at all. I haven't been for a long time.

You know, it was a year ago. A whole friggin' year back. A year ago last Thursday. I didn't realise how long it dragged on for. I feel bad for how easily I've forgot you. I don't remember what you sound like, look like anymore. I can't remember... Remember that time in Portugal, you walked into the glass door because you thought it was open? Yeah, that was good.

She Deals In Witchcraft.

One kiss and I'm zapped. Frankenstein and Dracula have nothing on you. Jekyll and Hyde; join the back of the queue. The female of the species is more deadly than the male.

New favourite song, anyone?

I'm in a weird place right now.

Need.
More.
Drink.

Days Without Paracetamol.

Does it always rain when I don't want it do? Why do I never realise shots are a bad idea until 12 hours later? When will there be a day that can pass without me biting my nails?

I want someone to make everything perfect because I don't know how.

Underground.

My head is pounding, I can't stop the pounding. I think it is going to explode and kill everybody who's in close proximity to the place I call my home. And they'll make a moving made-for-tv movie for Life Time all about my life that ends with an epitaph, one that will make you laugh, that says "great mom, okay wife". And it'll be funny to the people who know me, who know if my body's not burned. My soul will spend an eternity in misery, tethered and bound to this earth. So I'm not a dick or a stick in the mud, always ruining things for my friends. I mustn't forget when I see the sun set that tomorrow it will rise again.

So I tattoo instructions on my ass that say "Don't ever put this body in a casket. Burn it and put the ashes in a basket and throw them in the Puget Sound... I don't ever want to be under ground".

I wearing size thirteen basketball shoes and laugh at your fishnets. I'm freaked out and fucked up and I'm standing alone in an alley with you, wanting to show you a cure for your hiccups but instead I close my eyes. The needles are numbered so I'm writing you letters and I cannot disguise the fact that I'm nervous when we are together. So I fantasizethat the nights will get shorter and the days will get better. I feel a kick inside and decide, if this is a girl I'm naming her Heather. She'll look just like you but her hair will be feathered. She'll say how you died before you ever met her... Her hair will be feathered.

My head is pounding, I can't stop the pounding. I think it is going to explode. There are plus and minuses to sinuitus like sometimes I get to go home. Mostly it hurts so bad I think I'm dying. I just blew my nose and now I feel like crying and the dreams that I have are all of my past lives and the seizures would paralyze me in the night and I wake up clutching my teddy bear tight. I'm drooling and trying to turn on the light. All I can do is hold fast and sit tight but what if they forget 'cause you know they just might.

So I tattoo instructions on my ass that say "Don't ever put this body in a casket. Burn it and put the ashes in a basket and throw them in the Puget Sound. I don't ever want to be under ground."

This Is For Real.

I almost asked you, just then, "Would you still love me if I was fat?" but had a mini-heart break when I realised that there isn't really 'love' between us these days.

But whatever's come to pass, I hope that you like me are sure that the love was always real and the intention always pure. Yeah, whatever people tell you, no, they'll never love you more. It's just I wish I knew to love you right before. - Kate Tempest.

We Are The Power Troopers.

You, I miss you. Well, I don't really. It's not a feeling that's strong. Just, it nips at me.

You surprise me. Just when I think we're friends purely because our friends are friends, you surprise me with an interest in something that I also share. Isn't that great? We don't hang out or anything, but we can. I just dislike the silence we have to be put through, sometimes.

You're a bit confusing. I don;t think you're all you with us. Then again, who really is?

We Wont Back Down From Anything.

In search of a remedy.

So. So what? I so don't care anymore. How so? I think I stopped caring when you oh-so simply decided to wipe me from your life. Why so? I'm so fighting fire with fire. You've decided that this is so what you want to do, what you think is so the right decision to make. Isn't that so selfish of you? You obviously didn't take me into account when you so easily came to the conclusion, when you decided what the next step is.

Didn't you think that I might disagree? Didn't you think I'd like to talk about things? Attempt to come to some sort of compromise. Didn't it cross your mind, not once, that I might not be cool with all this?

Y'know what? It doesn't matter. The matter of the fact is I so didn't matter.
It's not me, it's you, in the true sense of the cliche. I could have been anyone, any girl that wanted to befriend you. You'd be the same person with the same problem. I bet you the same thing will happen again.

I'm living proof that some girls don't talk to men just to get in their pants. Some of us are nice. I hate that I'm this. I want to live up to expectations.

It's Like This.

You're born, you're free. Everything is nice, the world loves you. You live, it's difficult. Things are good and things are bad but you learn, that's the point. You die, everyone remembers you and the things you've done. It doesn;t take long for the world to forget who you are, then you're gone without a trace, atleast try and leave something behind.

I am constantly changing. I am nothing like I used to be, then again, I don't even know what I used to be like. Things used to be so simple, or atleast I remember them being simple. These days, I can't seem to get through one day without doing something wrong. Maybe I'm just being adolescent but I'd kill to go 5 years froward in time, just to skip all the nonsense I have to go through just to get there.

Hey, remember the times when we'd sing to each other? We'd scream "live's one big party when you're still young, but who's gonna have your back when it's all done?" at the top of our lungs. Now all I could sing to you is "Your used to wearing less and now your life's a mess, so insecure, you see. Take a look at my face for the last time, I never knew you, you never knew me, say hello, goodbye."

Are You Sad?

Not 'sad', but SAD.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is just the winter blues. I never really believed that something like a sudden weather change should effect people but obviously I am wrong. When suffering from SAD, most people get short tempered, have no motivation, very low energy levels and mild depression. Jeezy creezy. One in twenty people suffer from the 'illness' and women are three times more likely to feel the effects of SAD during the next few months.

The internet has given me some tips to beat the winter blues!

Exercise!
Ofcourse, exercise is the cure for everything these days. Personally, I'm doung pretty well without it. The walk to the train station is enough for me. Alas, all the doctors and such think otherwise. It has been proven that exercise can combat depression better than antidepressants. Mind boggling stuff, isn't it? All them endorphins you get when you exercise make you happy!

Healthy Eating.
These tips are just a big list of things I don't do and never will, if the next one is rubbish, I give up! So, 5 a day and all that, I see. Aha, I see what I've been doing wrong; "The one thing you must not do is give in to comfort cravings, so step away from the carbohydrates and trans fats!" But there will never be a day when I'm sat in my bed, feeling miserable and sorry for myself, and think to myself, "Ah, I know what I need right now, an apple."... Yeah, right. Oily fish? Hell no, I've never ate a fish in my life, that'll only make me feel worse. Fruit? Maybe, a a push. Vegetables? No, just no. Nuts and seeds? Um... moving on.

Avoid Illness.
I have a pretty crappy immune system as it is. When I'm feeling lousy, I'm probably more likely to catch a cold. "Echinacea is brilliant at keeping out cold and flu, so take a course of this for a couple of weeks and you should stay bright as a button." I don't even know what that is... but now that I do, I'll keep that in mind.

Beat SAD.
This one isn't very clear, it just explains what SAD is... Doesn't take a genius. Basically, it's because of it being so dark all of the time! Lack of light increases the hormone melatonin and this makes us all sleep and decreases 'serotonin' which apparently makes us happy.
sad.org.uk has told me that symptoms of SAD are lethargy, irritability, depression, cravings for unhealthy foos, sleep problems and loss of libido... I think I'm suffering from constant SAD, this sounds like me every day of the year. It's then told me I can get my doctor to give me some antidepressants or some weird thing called a 'lightbox'... I bet it's like the ones in the graphics department. A lightbox will "replace summertime levels of sunlight and alleviate your syptoms"... What a load of nonsence.

Avoid Alcohol.
What do you think I am, an idiot? We all no that alcohol is a depressant, so surely it goes without saying? Although, everyone does do their fair share of drinking around Christmas and New Years. Avoiding the drinks is probably easier said than done.

Get Some Sleep.
This is the first of all the points that I can actually do! Apparently a regular sleep pattern is very important. Seven or eight hours of sleep a night (something I certainly do not do) and trying to go to bed and get out of bed at the same times should help shrug off the SAD. "If you feel down during the day, allow yourself a 30-minute power nap. If anyone asks, blame it on the SAD!" Would you look at that, everyone can be funny on the internet. No, really, I tried taking a nap the other day and it did make me feel a bit better.

There's loads of other ones, meditating and herbal stuff... Load of rubbish if you ask me. One of them actually says "talk to someone"! Why wouldn't you? I guess not everyone is like me and talks to people 24/7.

I still have a funny feeling that SAD doesn't exist and people are just looking for excuses to stay in bed. Until you have a doctor tell you that you've suffering from SAD, then I don't believe you! Now, get back to work and make me some coffee.

No Offence.

Window displays are full of lies. Lies, I tell you!

Every woman can probably sympathise with me when I say; I hate them. The mannequins, with their manufactured, perfect poses. You know (and I certainly know) we will never look half as good as the mannequin does. Sure, you can buy every inch of what they've dressed it up in, go all out and get a wig too, they're still plastic and perfect.

Maybe I can fill you in on something. Psst, girls... You will never be happy with the way you look. I know, it's tough but that's the way things are, apparently.

Personally, I blame media pressure but that can't be all to blame. It's up to you, as a woman, to shrug off such typical stereotypes. I believe myself to be a head strong female that refuses to be told how she should look but, obviously, not every other female is like me.

Did you know that by age 18, women cry four times as much as men. Another interesting fact, twenty-five years ago, the average female model weighed 8% less than the average American woman where as, these days, the average female model weighs 23% below her average weight.

There was a study a good few years ago on Saturday morning tv adverts, you know, the ones between the kids programmes that give it all "BUY THIS 'CAUSE IT'LL MAKE YOU COOL!". Basically, they sat and watched the adverts for a weeks and analysed them. What did they find? Well, 50% of the cadverts aimed at girls spoke about physical attractiveness, where as none of the adverts aimed at boys refered appearance. Something I've never thought about before, girls toys are all about putting on make up, wearing nice clothes and doing your hair. Boys toys are quite violent... which might explain alot. This just shows that media pressure can start effecting girls when they are really young.

75% of "normal" weight women think they are overweight and 90% of women overestimate their body size... Something that I can confirm is true. I haven't been on scales in years, but whenever I did step on them, I was always pleasantly surprised.

When You Came In, The Air Went Out.

You know it's time for a blog when all you can do is cry and wish it was the weekend again.

This is the 200th.

I miss you. Alot. We weren't even that close. You were always closer with the boys, even my mum said so. She always spoke about how her two bothers got 'special treatment' where as her and her sisters were always kind of second best. I always just assumed that's the way of a man of your generation, like the whole fiasco when we were told that my cousin is gay. We didn;t get to meet his partner (who he has been with for a year) because you did not approve. No one would have had the balls to tell you that your views were as dated as you were. God, I hate saying that, "as you were".
It still hasn't sunk in. It's been almost 3 months and still, I don't believe it. The hardest thing is when I remember you in the hospital, you couldn't move or talk. I was the only one that didn;t cry. I think, if you could have told me at the time, you would have been proud of me for being so strong. You were never one for letting your emotions get the better of you. I'm just glad you can't see me now. Well, no, that's wrong. I'd love for you to see me now. I think I'll go and see you soon.
You're just the kind of man that I'd expect to live forever.
I only saw you once after that time I visited in the hospital. You were excellent when I saw you, you were up, walking mumbling away. You noticed that my jumper had a big cross on it and gave me a big thumbs up, you thought it was like the scottish flag. God, there I go with the past tense again. This is actually killing me.

But all I can think, is if this is how horrible I feel, my Mum, my Gran must feel a thousand times worse.

Is there not a point where people 'move on' and all that lark? When does that happen? What do I need to do? 'Cause I've sat with the photo albums out, I've done the crying on end, I've reminiced. What am I meant to do to get all of this out of my system?

I am sick of acting like it's not a problem, sick of stupid 'one to one' sessions with stupid tutors that know fuck all, sick of "I'm sorry for your loss"s and "I know how you feel"s. I just want it all to go away. Make it go away.

I don't even know anything anymore. I'm sure this is normal but it can't be.

This Way, That Way.

Songs of desperation, I played them for you. A moment, a love, a dream, aloud, a kiss, a cry. Our rights, our wrongs. So stay there, 'cause I'll be coming over while our blood's still young, it's so young, it runs. And won't stop 'til it's over, won't stop to surrender.

Over The Counter Culture.

Since when did stating your sexual orientation on your websites make you cool? Fair play, you're proud of your sexuality... but this will not earn you brownie points. Think about it, this shouldn't change the way people see you so stop acting like it will. I'm just sick of seeing "I'm gay, so deal with it or fuck off" and all the poeple that class themselves as 'pansexual' just because it's new.

It's not something that people should have to know before they choose weither they want to get to know you or not, so stop treating it like it is! Sexuality and/or gender should not be a key factor when looking to meet new people.

Come back to me once you're thought about it.

These Fangs.

Miss Louise Johnston. Must not be married then, can't for the life of me think why. She's about... not much taller than me, long brown hair that's always tied up. I never did get a good look at her teeth... Ironic, isn't it? Maybe she doesn't like hers and that's why she's always looking at mine.

I see her that often, we might as well be married. I think I spent more time with her during the summer than I did with anyone else. She should hang out with me more, we do all of the things my regular friends do: we talk about the weather, my new clothes, her sister, my family, her holidays, my lack of holidays, what I'm doing at school and more about the weather. Every time I went in on a monday that summer, we would have a running joke, that when I walked in to her room and it would suddenly start to pour... Not a comforting thought, but the rain isn't bad weather. When I went along a few weeks ago I forgot to mention the weather... I felt bad. I walked in and she started frantically pointing at the window, "Look! It's sunny!". I wasn't sure if that was a good thing, because everything was okay when it rained, so what would happen when it was beaming? Turns out I'm just supersticious, the weather has nothing to do with anything.

Getting her to stop asking me about myself is like pulling teeth. I guess some people are just happier hearing about you.

She's wonderful. Always greets me with the biggest smile. When I leave, she always says she hopes not to see me for another 6 months, but we both know it won't be more than a month. As for that friend of hers that's always there, having none of her! She never pays attention and constantly makes me feel uncomfortable, I don't even know why Louise keeps her! She's no good. Better off without her.

Miss Louise Johnston in my dentist and I love it when she pulls my teeth out. Gives a whole new meaning to "like pulling teeth".

280909

Yeah, well life is about love, lost minutes and lost evening. About fire in our bellies and about furtive little feelings and the aching amplitudes that set our needles all a-flickering, and they help us with remembering that the only thing that's left to do is live.

I can't stay in my own company for more than an hour. I can't sit and watch television without texting, calling or opening an msn conversation with someone. I can't live alone, ever.

On the phone, you always ask if I'm okay. It's not the same as being happy.

Best Of You.

I'm not interested in what you have to say and I don't want to talk about myself... So don't talk to me.

Yesterday was good.

Eleventeen.

Silver pink ponies flying over me. You may feel strange, well, you are an angel. Stuck in tight pants, stuck at a high school dance. Stuck doing people things, not knowing you have wings. You are my serenade, you are my lemonade, you are my soul, throw it all out the window. You are my training wheel, you are my chamomile, you are my friend, come again some other day. You are my pantomime and you are my moonshine, you are my sunshine you are my shooting star. You are my elbow you are my buttercup, spoonful of puppycat, bellyful of kittypup. Pretty pretty baby, tin toy maybe. X marks the spot and it's not what they expected. Sing that song again, the one that makes me cry, when she walks into the room and you don't know what to do. Every step of every day, I love you, every single one of you. Whenever you get in your own way I love you, you love me too. No pain anymore, nothing to feel sorry for, heaven is right here, heaven is everywhere. Look at the trees dancing in the breeze, feel the raindrops on your knees. Silver pink ponies flying over me, flying over me, they're flying over you too. Silver pink ponies flying over me, you may feel strange, well, you are an angel. Stuck in tight pants, stuck at a high school dance, stuck doing people things, not knowing you have wings.

You are an angel.

Half Way Mark.

I lived alone so I took him home. He doesn't love me but he keeps me company, everything's alright.

You may feel strange, well, you are an angel.

He was in that box, that 'coffin', right beside me. Although, my mum says he wasn't really. He was never really there. He's not been there in a long time. She doesn't think that he's been the same since that stroke, but I think he has. Sometimes you could just tell. But that was what got to me, the fact that he was just there. It's the same with being in my Grans house and remembering that she's in his chair and he's not.

I don't think it was his time. Well, it wasn't his time to have a stroke. He had lots more to do. You know, his and my gran got together when they were 17 and got married at 21. Screw this generation and their divorces.

My First Funeral.

You know, he absolutely loved Salt & Shake. Ever since I remember, in the kitchen there was always a cupboard filled with packets of them. You know what else? Mint Aeros... Don't know why, I don't even know if he liked them. I didn't like them that much. Whenever I was ill and I went there, I'd get Sunny D... it's really naff. I don't think my grandparents know what they're eating.

There's a life time supply of prunes up the road too. My Granny's going to bin them. He loved aloe vera too. When we went to tenerife, he bought loads of the stuff, aloe vera this, aloe vera that. He was great on holiday.

He looked so old.

My Grandad.

was the toughest man I know.

You're Saying It Wrong.

It's personality that makes us different.


Anyone else super loaded with the cold?
Let me know, you can come around to mine and we can drink hot chocolate and bitch about the people we hate.

Excuse Me Mr.

I can't stand the restritions. I find myself trying to change you but if you were meant to be my lover then I wouldn't have to. I feel so mean, I feel inbetween 'cause I'm about to give you away for someone else to take. Am I making a mistake? All the time I'm wasting. Another ex girlfriend on your list but I should have thought of that before we kissed.

So many reasons for me to run and hide. I've had it up to here.

I'm stupid for believing lies again. I'm stupid for thinking that I am the only thing that matters. I've been waiting in line for nothing but a waste of time!

"When you cry I am a mess."

I'm done, I'm through listening. No Doubt – Move On Because really, it gets me nowhere. Nothing good ever comes with this.

And, I will never get married. Heart on my sleeve covered my a green sweatshirt. I'm so angry. My grandad's going to pop his cloggs fairly soon.

Belittle me.

Feel my wrath! Trying to say that I am pathetic. Telling me that what I am doing is crap. Earth to you; you're a backstabbing little bitch and everyone I know has said wrong of you. Atleast I have some real friends.

What are you doing with yourself anyway? Jack shit.

P.S.
My mum hates you.

So Beautiful, You Are Beautiful.

Take a look at my body, look at my hands. There's so much here that I don't understand. Your face say these promises, whispered like prayers, I don't need them because I've been treated so wrong. I've been treated so long as if I'm becoming untouchable. Well content love's the silence, it thrives in the dark with fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart. They say that promises sweeten the blow but I don't need them.

You are really good food and I am full. I guess everything is timing and I guess everything's been said so I am coming home with an empty head. You'll say, "Did they love you or what?" and I'll say, "They love what I do.", the only one that really loves me is you. And you'll say "Girl, you kicked some butt," and I'll say "I don't really remember. My fingers are sore, my voice is too."
You'll say "It's really good to see you," you'll say "I missed you horribley," you'll say "let me carry your bag, give that to me." And you will take the heavy stuff and you will drive the car and I'll look out the window and make jokes about the way things are.

All Too Smart To Talk To God.

I don't love you, I'm just passing the time. You could love me if I knew how to lie but who could love me? I am out of my mind. Throwing a line out to sea, to see if I can catch a dream.

What Makes You Unique?

I was watching a video by 'RazorbladeJake', one of many contributers to the youtube community, "Gender Blend" and he asked what makes you unique? He stated that besides the fact he is a boy in make up, he also has a shaven head and wears wigs, which I think is wonderful.

But what makes me unique? I sat down and got my thinking cap on. What makes me unique... different... and then it hit me! Absolutely nothing.

Sure, the way I dress is a bit from the norm but I shop at all the regular places. Some days I'm bright and colourful and some days I'm not. I've never done anything drastic with the way I look. I am friends with a regular crowd. I do regular things. I am regular.

The question is aimed at the alternative group, I think. So most replies will most likely be about their apearances, either their hair or their clothes or their make up or... you know. I don't think that should be what makes you unique, sure, it's a start but what is it worth? Underneath that there has to be substance. At the end of the day, I could strip anyone of their clothes and make up and you'd all look the same.

The only thing seperating me from the rest of the world is my personality, my taste and my habits. The little things that make me who I am. You only find out these things when you really know me and not many people do. I'm the kind of person that you have to know to like. On meeting me, most people wont talk to me again, only if they really want to they will, then they get to know me. That girl.

All in all, I am unique, I am different to everyone else but only a few people know it.

You Called Me Sugar.

Have you ever wished for an endless night? Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight. Have you ever held your breathe and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight?

You never know what's going to happen. But I think I know these things and I think I know that I will get what I want one day, all the things I want more than anything.

Maybe it's just wishful thinking? I haven't yet thought that I might not get what I want, the posibility hasn't entered my head and now that I think about it... I'd be miserable without it all. Without the wedding in the grassy field, wearing my big white dress and no shoes. Without the house by the beach, out of the way of everything. Without him and me. Without family parties. Without my Mum and Dad getting really old. Without me getting really old. Without me getting married once and never again. Without having a girl. Without having a baby for someone else. Without working in a school.

Maybe I am setting my sights too high.

Almost blue, almost doing things we used to do. There's a boy here and he's almost you, almost all the things that your eyes once promised, I see in his too. Now your eyes are red from crying.

I Was Definitely Made For These Times.

Say Something, Say Anything.

They've got the army of ears, they can't hear you now. I've got the piss in my veins and these furrowed brows. You've got this one last chance to burn me, turn me down. If not, I've got these last twelve bucks to spend on you. You can take me anywhere your sick mind wants to. I'll use your South to fuel me using you.

I hear, "Hey, hey hey hey, come pollinate me."

All I can do is ask you, ask you to ask me.

I watched my yellow cat invade my red cat in the yard. The fealine war has raged for years so I assumed it'd be to hard for me to drive my foot between them, I would never risk the scratch just to prove to one or both of them a cat is just a cat.

I can't ask you, that'd just be silly. Maybe I should? I should just ask. I think I will. Right now.

Shit! Nothing makes sense, so I won't think about it. I'll go with the ignorance. Eat, sleep, fuck and flee; in four words, that's me. I am full of indifference. What do the old people teach us but how to die? And what do those hissy fits teach you except how to cry? Yeah, the futile, the futile, it outweighs the beautiful.

No, I can't ask. I didn't ask and I'll never ask, merely just a suggestion that will hopefully be remembered later on in life when we're both miserable and lonely, growing old seperately.

Why? Why isn;t a yes but it's not a no. There was no question though, I didn;t ask anything therefor I can't complain. Why? Because it's a reasonable idea.

One hour later. Still nothing. Ramble, ramble.

Everything.

When I said I needed you, you said you would always stay. It wasn't me who changed but you and now you've gone away. Don't you see that now you've gone and I'm left on my own that I have to follow you and beg you to come home. You don't have to say you love me just because I have, you don;t have to stay forever, I will understand. Believe me, I can't help but love you, but believe me, I'll never tie you down.

Nothing sucks balls more than being a woman.

Want some facts? Prepair to be disgusted.

A period is when the lining of your womb (uterus) sheds its lining - this is why you bleed and you might also have lumps in your blood. The blood flows through a small hole in your cervix (the opening of the womb) and through the vagina.

I get this, every month! Every month until I'm 50. I'm going to have roughly 396 periods.

Secrets.

My mind is a safe, if we keep it then we all get rich. My body is an orphanage, we take everyone in.

I wish I had more secrets, they'd make me more interesting.

Miss Time Devine.

Where are you now? Where is my fix? My daily dose of vocabulary that never ceased to amaze. Miss Time Devine, come back.

The only person that saw me as what I aspire to be and not what I really am. The only person who'se writing I could get tangled up in, it wouldn't be a problem though. I used to check for fresh posts, every day, eagerly awaiting the arrival of something new.

The only person I see going places. The only person that I envy because of her passion for literature. The only person that could take me into Waterstones and not leave for atleast 3 hours. The only person that has ever sat me down and listened intently to what I have had to say.

In A Green Cotton Sweater.

I gave back the t-shirt that you'd always wear, I went by your work and just left it there. All the leaves are brown and it's autumn now. It was a summer fling, don't take it personal or anything. You can wear your heart on your sleeve but pull your sweater over. No more kisses under shooting stars, no more rides on the handlebars, no more drive-ins in the back seat of your parents car. It was a summer fling and it didn't mean anything and you can cry your eyes out on the phone.

I was watching the telly when the advert for some sort of pink beverage. There are two glasses on the table filled with the pink nonsense, both hands reach for the same glass. I said to my Mum, "That's just silly, she was sitting nearer that glass so she didn't need to try to get the other." and she replied, "No Heather, this is why you don't have a boyfriend! She's flirting, you have to do the pinky-touches-other-hand technique. You've got to reach for someone elses glass, Heather. Reach for the glass! Heather! You have to reach!" Shortly afterwards we were in fits of laughter.

You know, the telly is silly. I went down stairs earlier to see when my food would be ready, I was very hungry. The news was on, telling me all about these people that are dead. It's 5 oclock in the evening, I don't want to hear about people dying! I was hungry, why would I care? So I don't think I shall continue watching tea time telly.

Doll Face.

You're not, you think you are but you're not. If you were you wouldn't even have to say it. Hell, you are just about as much as I am!

Casiotone For The Painfully Alone – Old Panda Days

Haven't recommended you with a song in a while, I do like casiotone for the painfully alone. I wrote a blog a while ago made entirely of a song of theirs, you wouldn't have even noticed!

I'm really running out of words, it'll be time to stop soon. I thought up an idea for my 200th, I'll probably ask some of you guys to give me a couple of words.

I need to eat, I am rough.

Another recommendation? Oh, yes.
Casiotone For The Painfully Alone – Casiotone for the Painfully Alone in a Green Cotton Sweater

Don't Give In.

I just finished watching V For Vendetta, why didn;t you make me watch it before?

So I got thinking.

My grandparents will die eventually, after that it will be my parents and then possibley my brother before me. What about my friends? I doubt they're all go before me but a couple will. I'll be one of the first.

These are the kind of incidents that will crush me. It's your parents, a life without the people that have given you everything and made you who you are would be awful.

I have no regrets, but if I could go back and change the way I have treated my mum in the past then I would. Maybe I should atleast say sorry for describing her as "the only person that I truely hate", it must have been soul crushing for her to hear her own daughter saying that sort of stuff.

It's one of those things that I think no one thinks about it but you should. You'll have to one day. Then again, when things come my way I seem to just take them with a pinch of salt, maybe I'll never have to think seriously about anything until it's past?

I've Never Met A More Imposible Girl.

In the same bar where you slammed down your hand and said, "Amanda, I'm in love."
No you're not, you're just a sucker for the ones you and it doesn't matter what I say or do, that stupid bastards gonna have his way with you.



I need ideas for my 200th. I can't think of anything right now.

My High.

I thought that you were special without asking myself "Why?", you mean nothing to me now. 'Cause in my head, you were different but only for a little while, you mean nothing to me now. I had the strangest feeling, it took me by surprise. Your words lost their meaning when I came down from my high. You're poisonous but sadly, you're not the lethal kind, you mean nothing to me now. 'Cause in my head, you are vicoius, it still stands the test of time, you mean nothing to me now.

It was all just in my mind. You mean nothing to me now. Where will your heart run to? No places left to hide. No cities left to leave, no tears left to cry. I gave you all of my attention, now I say goodbye 'cause you mean nothing to me now.

Isn't it silly how easily I can change my mind?

New Romantic.

Pointless rambling posts until I reach the big 200! I was thinking of doing a more imaginative piece, something I've not done before though so I'm a bit worried it might be diabolical.

Swerving right off of the subjest, here is one on the most beautiful verses in any song in the world;
And i'm sorry to which ever man should meet my sorry state.Watch my steady lonesome gait and bewareI will never love a man cause love and pain go hand in handAnd i can't do it, again.

So we stayed up late one night to try and get our problems right,
But i couldnt get into his head just what was goingthrough my mind,
And i think he knew where i was going, he put bryan adams on
I think he thinks it makes me weak but it only ever makes me strong,
I've got this friend and he sounds just like him,
And he's the man I'd leave you for, the man that i just adore like you.
The same man he turns to me, says 'i've got to tell you how i feel,
If god could make the perfect girl for me it would be you'
And my god told me not tell about how much do you love your fella.
I don't know more every day.

21st Century Life.

So I'm pretty low on fuel for blogs recently. Absolutely nothing has been happening. I know it's rather conformist of me, but I've developed a sudden intrest witht he likes of Edie Sedgwick, Audrey Hepburn and ofcourse Monroe.

Slightly worried that my good friend Smiddy might be dead! I had a dream that someone had a hair cut then found out 2 days after the dream that they had a haircut... I then had a dream that Smiddy was dead.

The stars fell out of the sky, my tears rolled into the ocean.

170, Jesus Christ.

Seeing as I'm 30 posts away from 200, I'll need to start working on it!

I've never had a nightmare before in my life. My friends and I often talk about the dreams we've had the night before and they never make much sense. Mine are always silly and humorous, like the time the aliens stole my family and took over the world but I managed to save my friends. Some of my friends have serious ones, there was the one when I was in the bathroom slitting my wrists and when the blood hit the floor it turned into flames... That freaked me out a bit.

A couple of nights ago I had a nightmare, it wasn't terrifying but it was kind of scary at the time. I was in this spa like place, there were hot tubs and sauna rooms but outside there was a roller coaster. So, I strapped myself in and it started going up. It was going up completely vertical though and I fell out. I clutched onto the seatbelt and dangled in mid air. I eventually managed to get down.

The scarier one was the night after. I was in the house with my brother, it was really late I think, everything was pitch black outside. I heard a knock at the door and I looked at my brother, I said to him "No, it can't be him.". My Mum wasn't there to answer the door. I went down and let him in. He just walked right in! I was really happy though, I ruffled his hair and said "So you did actually get it cut!" and he looked around my living room and said "So, are you coming then?" and we walked out of my house. We didn't exactly get far, we walked around the block and down the lane where some guys tried to beat us up or something silly but we managed to get rid of them... I woke up and I couldn't have been any more confused.

He'd pretty much done everything that he's said he would which isn't like him at all.

Hazey.

The mornings and nights have all been rolling into one and I'm starting to forget what day of the week it is. I'm also begining to feel the perks of friendship, like minded folk magazines all named with single words. There was a collumn in one of my mags with different ways to beat depression, was very interesting.

I'm sure I was keyboard tapping for a reason... Yes! Everything seems rather clouded the past few days. I keep slipping in and out of reality. I'm convinced something is going wrong alot of the time. I feel numb, like I used to when I started blogging, until I sit infront of these keys and then it's all back to normal.

That will be all. I dare say there are more important things you could be reading right now.

Intoxicated Idiots.

Aliteration was a highlist of last night so do excuse me if I start bringing up silly things like "The Peculiar Pillows!". I've got some Jack Johnson in the background to sway me to sleep before a busy day at the european market. My life is hectic. If there are many typo's and spelling errors, it's only because I'm tired, angry, teary and dripping.

Want to hear some aliteration that seems to be an apropriote topic for this heart felt post? False Friends. Oh, those are some harsh words, but let's take this right to the core of the meaning; a friend that is false, someone that isn't quite showing their true colours.

I am very aware that this will be the first place people will look for the inside scoop but when would something like this stop me living up to the expectations of wanks? I expect you to wank and you expect me to be ticked off, apparently.

What on earth happened last night? I don't even know, I don't want to think about all the rubbish that got said. What was the point in all of the fuss the both of you caused? You were treating that poor girl like a piece of meat. I hope to God she feels like a fucking idiot when she wakes up. You're true colours really were shining through last night, like a big rainbow made of pure ugliness.

(Now addressing you, see what you're making me do? I hate that this annoys me so much.)
I expected that kind of behaviour from him, I don't know him really well but I know him well enough. You, I thought I knew. You that would sit and talk to me about how unattractive women it material that covers 30% of their surface mass. You that told me just 2 days before the party that you wouldn't go near those girls, that it's just not you.

But it is you, isn't it?

If that's you, then I don't know you. I can't possibley know you if you think it's acceptable to go around getting head from a girl you barely know, a girl that is too drunk to care, a girl that is the complete oposite of what you've been telling me that you want out of a girl. If this is the guy that you really are, which it obviously is because all of the lightbulb signs are pointing your way, then who the hell am I friends with?

Where did that nice guy go? I could tell anything to you before. I told you about being force fed the banana when I was little. I can't tell you anything now, you're not my best friend now, you're another dot. Who are you?

When I walked past you, trying not to make a big deal about the ridiculous situation that you got yourself into, you blurted out "Well she's okay with it!". I could have hit you.

Why don't you care what I think? Any other one of my friend would have came to see what was wrong. I sat in that room for about 15 minutes waiting, hoping you'd peel yourself from her and think, "Hey, Heather's not really seeming her usual, perky self! Maybe I should be a good friend just like she is and make things better." But no, a girl can only dream.

See what you;re doing? I haven't cried in weeks! I was in a good place. Back to reality.

I thought after our chat, in the bathroom, it had hit home. I thought you might have cared about what I think and how I think you're a decent guy. Not that I do now. I just want to crawl up into a big ball and stay there until my Mum comes back. God, I want my Mum. She's only just left and I'll be an abolute wreck by the time she gets back. Time to hunt out the trusty old ibuprofen and draw some blood!

No, I am not upset about this. I will not be upset about something as miniscule as sex.

I hate what you have done.

I don't hate you, but what you've done and what you're doing is putting me through this kind of hell that I do not need, not now and not ever. I don't want to be friends with whoever you're trying to be. I hope it was worth it, I hope it was worth losing this because I am not going to apologise. As a matter of fact, I don't want to talk to you until you do.

P.s.
He wants you to feel like this. Don't fall for it, again.

All Is Full Of Love.

It's nice knowing that I will eventually have a baby and give it to someone else. I am going to be a surrogate mum. It's crazy but it makes sense.

You need to have already had a baby to be a surrogate, that is a problem.

It will be brilliant when I do it.

Can You Show Me Something?

What do you want me to say? All I know is love, it's ok. I'll write what I know and you do the same. Tell me I'm sane. And sometimes, sometimes I wan't to be, I scream that I wan't to be anyone but me.

This may be completely contradictory to the picture at the top of my blog (which I think is rather nifty, I remember seeing it in the metro and smiling) but am I the only person that finds it utterly soul crushing that I can't seem to find another like minded human that is remotely interested in me?

Many things make it difficult seeking someone of similar interested, such as knowing myself. I want like minded, what is my mind like?

What do I want?

I haven't made a post in almost a week and this is the best I can do? I am ashamed.

Smokers.

I won't be quiting until the end of the summer, I'm not going to say to anyone that I'm 'cutting down' because we all know that we never stick to that.

I was reading up on quiting. Did you know people go to get hypnotised into believing they're not addicted and walk away smoke free? Apparently the success rates are amazing, hypnotherapy is 300% more successful than nicotine replacement therapies and 500% more successful than methods that are based purely on willpower alone, going 'cold turkey'. That's alot of quitters. Over all, this method has roughly a 66% success rate. That's not alot when you think about it, but it's far better than any other method.

This sounds like a way of quitting that I'd definately look into if I was thinking of stopping any time soon. Because this method uses absolutely no drugs what so ever, it's completely safe! People that have had the hypnosis say that the experience was "pleasant", how can you say no to this?

Actually, here's a few reasons. Generally, the idea of being hypnotised is a bit scary. It'll cost you a bomb, it might not actually work, you'd need to find a good, professional hypnotherapist that you can feel comfortable with. The procedure is described like this, "The hypnotist then reprogrammes the subconscious mind through suggestions and affirmations, into breaking the desire and pleasure of smoking and redirecting it into more positive and healthy actions." They reprogramme your brain, God knows what else they might be doing in your head aswell. The fact that it'll set me back a few pennies puts me off completely.

So for those of you like minded broke folk, there's nicotine tapering! Better knows as "cutting back", attempting to smoke less each day until you are smoking none, buying smokes that have less nicotine therefor stopping the addiction. This method shows a 35% success rate after a year, whatever that means. I'm guessing what they're trying to say is that you shouldn't try this one because it makes no sense. "I'm going to stop smoking by carrying on to smoke, ending up with more carbon monoxide in my body and not actually quitting in the end."? No thanks. This one is just for those who aren't strong enough to go cold turkey, those of you who can't deal with the withdrawal symptoms! The internet says it's a fact that smokers tend to inhale twice as hard and take more puffs while trying to cut down. Also, smokers that reduce the number of cigarettes they smokeusually lose count of how many they're smoking and this can lead to an increase in the end. Unlucky for smokers, eh? Smokers will just want to smoke the few cigarettes they have more so than they did before trying to quit.

But hey, don't listen to me, I've gone cold turkey on atleast 4 seperate occasions and that didn't last more than 3 or 4 months. Statistics show that only between 5% and 10% of smokers going cold turkey actually succeed.

If you don't see yourself doing any of the suggested methods, you could always be ridiculous and try acupuncture? Then again, with a 15% success rate, the chances that the acupuncturist could be shit, the risk of getting an infection from a nasty needle and ofcourse, a big fat fee for all the trouble they went through! You have to pay them to stick needles in you, madness.

Preferabley, just don't start in the first place. Sure, it'll make you look cool, get you drunk faster and is a good social point but it'll make you smell all of the time and you'll have a lot of people nag at you a lot of the time.

I'll quit after the summer ends. Right now, I get to wear sunglasses and smoke at the same time, that gives me atleast 7 cool points.

Tell Me The Worst.

Losing my head to Hollywood, my liver to London, my youth to Tokyo.

I'd try to explain what was going on in my head last night, but I haven't quite figured it out yet. Recently, my imagination has been getting the better of me. I've had some crazy dreams the past few nights, really vivid ones that last for just over half an hour. Some about aliens, some about jedi's and some about t.v. sitcoms.

Maybe I need to get out more. I finally stopped thinking I was losing my marbels, now this?

I am very, very hungry.

Casiotone For The Painfully Alone.

A man goes to the movies and buys every seat in the house. He watches the movie alone, he cries in the darkness until the end credits roll. He says "I know it seems extravagent but have you ever tried? Man, it's the only way to cry."

It Makes Me Happy.

I'm happy when I see someone strong, fighting back. Especially women, being all independant and what not.

I am not happy when women give in to what's expected.

Stop being so stupid, people don't change, you know how you feel so stick with it.


On a more positive note, I liek my close friends, hate everyone else and I'm getting a new phone. Roll on summer.

People-

are dicks and I don't want friends.

I want to go.

Mogwai – Cody

Bitch.

I am, I know. The following may be unnecessary but bear in mind that I am not adressing the subject directly to the person that I think must be dressing themselves in the dark, don't forget that I know they haven't asked for my opinion so I'm not giving them it. This is not meant for her, but for everyone else in the world that might want my opinion.

No hard feelings.

Here is a direct quote from a friend of a friends bebo page:

"i hate the fact people 'attempt' to copy me;"

Not only is her punctuation appauling, but her of all people should not be accusing people of copying her or making a deal out of it. So, I'd like to give you some evidence, Just a sneaky peak at why I think this statement is bang out of order.

Just an example of the girls page I was looking at, the girl who claims people 'attempt' to copy her. This post is not meant as a form of cyber bullying or whatever anyone may accuse me of doing, I cannot stress this point enough, just me sharing my views on an issue using some visuals. We cool with that? Glad to hear it.

So, this is a 14/15 year old girl I'd say. I know that at that age we're all hormonal, whatever. I know at some point everyone goes through a "phase" of dressing all doom and gloom, some people stick to these trends for years, some (like the local Goth Lady) never grow out of them. I have no problem with this. Have you seen some of my friends?

The fact that she's annoyed with people 'copying' her is mind boggling, to me... She's dressing the way she does because she's influenced by other people that dress that way. You're part of a fashion that doesn't have much option with what you can wear. This trend seems to have basic rules that you learn from other people. You're basing what you wear because you've seen other people wearing it. You're buying from a chain of shops that know you want it black, PVC, leather, metal, spikey or lace. You are part of a stereotype, stereotypes are copied. I've seen you twice in the past week and each time I did, you looked just a bit uncomfortable. Maybe it's because I'm a devil woman and may have been glaring at you. Maybe it's because you could tell that I thought you looked very silly.

You are not the first to dress in black, have no eyebrows, fake hair or an underbust.

The first picture, the one with the fishnet and very little else. I want to keep that picture and show you it in 2 years time and see how you feel about it. In atleast 3 years you will have grown out of it, you'll be wearing jeans like the rest of us and have eyebrows too.

If you read this, I would love for you to leave a comment with some feedback. Anyone is allowed to comment and you can comment anonymously if you're a bit shy! Remember, I'm making it as clear as day that I do not have a problem with the alternative dress sense, so if I get comments that suggest anything of that nature, I will not be spending any of my time of typing out a reply.

It's alot of effort.

Points To Be Made.

First of all, no one ever went on 'breaks' until Ross and Rachel did it.

It's only just hit me, this week, I'm giving up alot of what I want to do for the one thing I want to do the most. Sure, I really want to end up working in a school, sure, kids are great fun and I'd really enjoy that enviroment. Being run off my feet every day and going home with a headache night, my idea of a day well spent. If I want to do this, I've got to give up alot.

I need to get a normal hair cut, not that I don't have one already though, it just means that I can't do what I want with my hair. I want to dye it bright orange and I want to shave off the sides and I want to put my dreads back in but I can't. I can't wear my silly make up, I can't get more peircings, I can't get any obvious tattoos.

It's just starting to register that I'm going to miss out on all of this. I don't want to end up doing all this, getting metal and ink, when I'm older. I don't want to be that weird old lady. It's a bit mroe acceptable at this age.

But I don't want to find something else, I enjoy working with kids.

Don't you just hate the way things work out?

This Picture, Picture This.

So I'm waiting in George Square for a friend that never turned up. I say, "Be there between 1 and 2, and if you're not there then I'll just head home." but I didn't have a watch anyway. I've got my starbucks that I bought on the way and some cigarettes, so I don't look half as out of place as I felt. Waiting on people is something I do not like doing, it's boring and no fun, a waste of time. Time I could be spending with other people that arrive when they say they will.

So I'm sitting on the concrete ledge, all of the benches had disapeared because it was amry blah day, trying to swiftly take my jumper off but not burn a hole though it with my cigarette when I notice the man leaning on the bin pointing a big angry camera at me. Ignore it, it's Glasgow, it happens. Finished cigarette, I didn;t want to risk a nasty fine so I headed over to the bin to stub it out. He gave me a kind of friendly look but also looked as if he was expecting me to say something. I did, "Hey, sorry, just stubbing this out.", followed by a "Did you take a picture of me?".

I spent roughly an hour talking to The Man With The Camera, he was polite enough to make me look like I hadn't been stood up. I did not catch his name or email, I should have asked for his Flickr user name but I'm useless with these things.

He took a picture of me at the bin looking very nervous and another of my gulping coffee. Not a good look. He took more than 700 pictures that day. I decided I'll leave it a few days and search flicker for the pictures, I vividly remember one of them. It's a very grumpy old man in his uniform, black and white, head shot, very nice.

I find it weird that this was probably the best part of my week. I need to aproach strangers more often, especially strangers with cameras.

Love Is All.

Love is all,
The laughter and the tears that fall.

I'm not sure where I'm headed with this, but just go with it.

Merriam-Webster's dictionary defines love as, "strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties," and defines lust as, "an intense longing". Kinship or personal ties, things in common ans that. I'd imagine that a couple 'in love' would do cute, silly things like play tennis together or gardening, things that they both may not neccessarily enjoy but there's that kind of respect there, that one of them is willing to spend time with the person they 'love' and do something that they find mind numbingly, soul crushingly boring. All because of 'love'. People in 'love' would be willing to compromise, come to some sort of arrangement where they both do something they enjoy.

I think a lustful relationship is a bit more selfish. Lust is all about desires, and it's your desires, therefor putting your desires before your partners. People in 'love' with put their partners desires before their own, surely, where as in a lustful relationship it's not about them, more about you wanting them. The fact that they are putting their own feelings, desires before their partner is bound to lead to a very unhappy ending. Then again, when has a relationship ever had a happy one? The lustful relationship wouldn't last long, I'd imagine. Eventually the two will not find each other desirable anymore and split because there was nothing more there, the relationship was built on that desire.

In my opninion, there is no love without lust! Surley if there is, the love that you'd have is merely just friendship based? You need the lust, something to push you from being 'just friends'. The lust would be so meaningless without love. I think alot of people get the two mixed up, weither they have them or not, they're probably confusing the lust for love.

I'd much rather keep my love and my love in two separate boxes. Mixing the two will only end in tears.

Missing.

Go listen. You'll remember it, ofcourse!

Not one for words today, hate to disapoint.

I Am The Bones You Couldn't Break.

Begging You.

You don't know me anymore, atleast I think you don't. I don't feel like I know you in the slightest, we aren't what we used to be. We ussed to talk for hours, every day, we used to be inseperable.

I don't think I'm the same as I was but that happens, right? You change when you meet new people and start talking to them more often, you start to talk like them. So, maybe, when you stop talking to people you change back? Maybe. When we talk now, it's not the same. I don't change to suits you. When I'm with you, I'm just the same old me that I am with everyone else, there's no spark.

I think you're the same as the first time we met, only because none of this bothers you as much as it's been eating away at my brain. Atleast, that's what I think.

I've been reading into things on a whole different level to the way you mean them, a whole new level of paranoia. Like once, (and this is not a direct quote) you said you'd been 'just spending time with mates' or whatever, in reply to my asking what have you been upto. It just gives me the most hrrible feeling. You've been hanging out with your mates, spending time all the time with them... and you don't spend any time with me anymore. But you've been spending time with your friends, and not with me, so that means I'm not your friend. And I'm not, anymore. I'm just someone you once knew so well. Not that you ever tried to know me, I just thrusted all of my emotional fuck ups and complications in your face, assuming you'd want to hear it all.

I bet you, if I'd have known then how I feel now I wouldn't have been so quick to trust. Not that I can't trust you, I'm sure I can, I just don't want to tell you how I feel anymore.

I've never properly fallen out with a friend before, but I think that's what I need. I've drifted from my friends, that's what we're doing, and I've been okay with it but I am not okay this time. We used to be inseperable, I used to feel invincable with you. I used to have fun.

I just want my fun back. I wish I wasn't who I am.

Memories.

Every street lamp seems to beet a fatalistic warning. Someone mutters and a street lamp gutters and soon it will be morning. Daylight, I must wait for the sun rise.Ii must think of a new life and I mustant give in. When the dawn comes, tonight will be a memory too, and a new day will begin. Burnt out ends of smoky days, the stale cold smell of morning. The street lamp dies, another night is over, another day is dawning. Touch me, it's so easy to leave me all alone with the memory of my days in the sun. If you touch me, you'll understand what happiness is. Look, a new day has begun.

I've been warned that this is my last summer. After this, I'll need to get a job at the weekend, go to college during the week, have no time for fun. Wake up, it's time, we need to find a better place to hide. And you hear that these are the best days of your life. I need to use this time carefully and spend it wisely.

But I don't have the money to spend on time.

Time's a bird, which leaves its footprints at the corners of your eyes. Time's a jockey, racing horses, the sun and moon across the skies. Time's a thief, stealing your beauty, leaving you with tears and sighs, but you waste time trying to catch him, time's a bird and time just flies.

I'm not a good writer. I quote more than I right. If you want to read quote after quote, you're at the right place.

Dying To Be Thin.

http://dyingtobethin.weebly.com/

Check it out, it's worth a look.

When I dream, I dream of your lips.
When I dream, I dream of your kiss.
When I dream, I dream of your fists.

Just An Ass In The Crack On Humanity.

I am a huge manitee.

And you think you can just show up at my house, all hunkey dorey and things will be okay? You'll just knock and say "Hi! Is Heather in?" and then everything will be okay and you'll put a stop to the war. News flash, my family hate you. If my mum even sees you walking up our drive she'll go out and kill you.

I remember a faraway laugh, a sweet caress, you'd help me zip up my dress. I remember your arms around my neck, twenty one shells wrapped in a nest. Endlessness didn't last. I won't change given the chance. I remember no place for me to hide before you came home at night. I remember you turnin out the lights, all I ever saw was the red in your eyes. No big surprise, happened nearly every night. Your own flesh & blood, I did wonder why... I remember not knowing what to say and how calm you had remained, your child still born with no name. I remember the never ending summer rain. Please don't let what was get in the way of what's next. Don't forget that what's to come hasn't come yet.

You cannot fix things now, it's far too late to even bother trying. What more can you possibly want to say that hasn't already been said?

I will listen to you. I will sit outside my house and hear what you have to say, but you know that you'll just get it thrown back at you, right? You must realise now that it can't be worth it. I don't know what you're trying to achive from this, we can't be friends without falling out.

This, right now, it's working for me. I don't want you knocking on my door, trying to change it all.

150.

I'm putting as little effort into this one as possible. I was going to video record it so I didn't have to do any typing at all, then I realised I'd need to get dressed and put my face on, so that idea goes straight out of the window.

Basically, this is the equivelant to Marys Bartlettes, her book of quotations! You might recognise some of them, maybe even the majority of them. Some of them might be from songs and some might be from literature. Either way, I like them.

"They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck."

"He who tries to forget a woman, never really loved her."

"Women have a wonderful instinct about things, they can discover things except the obvious."

"A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't."

"You want me to act like we never kissed, you want to forget; pretend we never met, and I've tried and I've tried but I haven't yet... You walk by and I fall to pieces."

"Your heart is my pinata"

"One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter."

"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I'm saying."

"How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being?"

"I have the simplest tastes, I am always satisfied with the best."

"After my first...
I built this suit or armor.
So strong, so invulnerable.
I came across you.
Slowly, my guard was let down.
So, so vulnerable to pain and despair.
A love so perfect, so beautiful
Was the double edged sword.
One side so sweet
So dull of worry
So full of love.
The other so sharp of worry
So deadly with confusion
So overcome of aberrancy.
They meet at the apex.
The sword was the only thing,
The only thing to pierce through the armor.
Through the mind, the soul, the heart...
The sword tears a hole
The sharpest of sides is sumb to pain,
The dull side brings a pain.
A pain so excruciating
The pain unreal the suffering so great.
This side pierces the mind, the soul, the heart...
The wound lasting and irreparable.
A pain never to leave.
A pain that allows you to live but in turn
It kills the mind, the soul, the heart
A pain that may lie dormant
Only to arise and hurt more than it ever did.
But through all doubt and suffering
The love was worth the pain.
The love so perfect so beautiful.
Was worth the pain
Was worth the death of me
Was worth losing everything I ever had.
Even if it was you that I lost."

"If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all of my life."

"Sometimes I wish that I was the weather, you'd bring me up in conversation forever, and when it rained, I'd be the talk of the day."

"Nobody can hurt me without my permission."

"A sad ting in life is that sometimes you meet someone who means alot to you, only to find out, in the end, that it was never bound to be and you just have to let go."

"I've heard it said, the trick is to set your watch when you hit the plane, that way you can tricck the workings of a tired brain. But sometimes I feel sick, sometimes I just feel so drained and cut down to the quick longing for that voice again. On the phone, you always ask if I'm okay but it's not the same as being happy.

I travelled 40,000 miles last year and I'm working on the same again. I fell for 15 different girls and nearly lost all of my friends. Well, I am jet set, jet lag, laded. You're always 16 hours ahead, quietly reminding me how I used to be.

Airports make me sad, I'm sure they shouldn't all be the same. But they're just landing pads, boring tourist shopping chains. I remember times we had, drinking while we wait for your plane, feeling kind of bad, wondering which one of us has changed. 'Cause we used to be so slick, subtle young hips, romantic young kissable lips, unbearably sharp, unbreakable hear with wide eyes and faith. That life could never pull apart if we were okay. But distance kills the best of intentions and I never intended it to be this way."

"We look at each other, wondering what the other is thinking, but we never say a thing."

"The course of love never did run smoothly."

"The love that lasts the longest is the love that is never returned."

"Only the shallow know themselves."

"The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly that even the final surrender; because this already has within it that surrender."

I do hope you enjoy that. It's a change from the quotes I usually dot around the posts.

Quess What?

I know you're reading this, you know who you are. You think you've got the upper hand because you know how I'm feeling.

Right back at you. I've been reading what you've been spilling from your finger tips.

It Girl.

The name; Heather Cameron.

And that will ring in your ears for decades to come. You'll remember it. You won't have a choice in the matter, you can't forget it. I'm unforgetable.

You'll remember my name and you'll remember the begining of our friendship but I doubt you'll remember any more than that. Because that's always the best part of knowing me, the first few weeks. The Getting To Know You stuff, it'll stick in your head because I made it so exciting. I fed you quotes, new and weird music, I showed you places you've seen but never really looked at. I make you see a whole new point of view.

So take to the streets with apocolypse refrain. Your devotion has the look of a lunitics gaze.

But after that it's nothing. You've got what you need, a glipse into someone elses mind. You don't need what comes after, the constant abuse being hurled at you because the girl with the name is having an off-month. You don't want that, you don't need that. You slowly separate yourself from me and that's that, the way most of them go. I won't try and get you back because I'm too proud.

So when I'm up there, in lights, rolling in cash, you'll think "Wow.", and then you'll remember that you walked away because you can't hack it. You walked away because you felt you had better things to do. If you had just put up with me for a little while longer, you could be up there with me. Now you won't.

And the name, Heather Cameron or Lyla Diamond or Delilah Vincent Debonair, whatever it is, it will be a contant reminder of the awful person that you were, tthe selfish person that you were and still are because nobody changes.

Her Morning Elegance.

She pours her daydream in a cup, a spoon of sugar sweetens up.

Even the internet likes to make fun. Everyone has a sense of humor now.

Points Of View.

I don't want part time pals. Half hearted friends.

I want people that are hanging on my every word. The kind of people that find you interesting.

Evenings.

The after hours bring out the worst in me. "A heart that hurts is a heart that works." I get the worst feeling in my stomach and my legs go slightly numb so I start to fidget. I feel uncontent most evenings. Sometimes it's not that bad, sometimes I take my mind off of it all and get right into a game of Chuzzle, ignorance is bliss.

Some nights I lash out. I sign on here, I sign on for a night of abuse. I guilt trip my friends into feeling as bad as I do, I scream and I shout until I break down. I blame them for not knowing what to do. Isn't it funny that I can look at my hands and easily just wipe the blood off, as if it's just normal now. It is just normal, now. It would have never have been before. My release. The nights are long.

The next day, I'll wake up as if yesterday had never happened. I won't need to act like nothing happened because I'll truely believe that I was just over reacting. My friends will know, they'll remember what I said and how I was acting but they won't understand why. The awkwardness will push them to forget. But the cuts, the cuts and the scratches will remind me that last night was one of the bad ones. The bumps and the bruises that will stay for the week, they will be a constant reminder for that week, that time I flipped my lid. The sting when I slouch into the bath or the throbbing pain all over.

I'll feel so much better in the morning. The sun's always out in the morning. I'll sleep in to make up for lost time. Sleeping is so difficult. I toss and I turn and it's ridiculous!

On a more positive note, I'm going to coffee with my old product design teacher. Weird.

Spare.

The days are long and the nights are longer. So much free time and the summer hasn't even started yet. Day time TV could easily push you over the line that keeps you from going insane, never ever settle down and watch some day time telly.

It's a Thursday. I didn't realise what day it is until a second ago, I had to check, I thought it was still yesterday. There's never any food on a thursday, not until after the weekly shop. No food... I'm going to be really bored. I've had three bowls of cerial. There was a fly on one of my Weetos, I fished him out. Flies are disgusting.

They're everywhere too, bugs, always in at my room because the window's always open. The heat in here is unbearable. My laptop is roasting because it's been on all day and wont be switched off for atleast another 6 hours.

All this spare time and nothing to do with it. I don't want a job though, I just want to complain. Complain about how easy everything is now. Each day used to be a challenge but now, now I have it all handed to me.

Adults.

I'm not at that age yet, the one that lets you make the rules. I'm not at the age where you follow the rules either... It's like limbo. Adolescent Limbo.

Choices, decisions. I'm getting sick of responsibility even though I don't have much of it. I have to choose weither going to the college that I was going to go to, that I've already told I'm going to, that thinks I'm going to show up after the summer... Or work at a local nursery for the next year, taking one day off each week to study, earning rougly £100 each week and a qualification at the end of the year.

Ofcourse, the second is more appealing, I get money that way but that was never the plan. I'm not even sure if it's a definate plan either! I hate uncertainty. I hate planning. I hate having to do things. I hate all of this responsibility.

I'm young and I'm free and I can't act like it.

Take The Pain Out Of Love And Then Love Wont Exist.

You were the only face I'd ever known. I was the light from the lamp on the floor, and only as bright as you wanted me to be. But I am no gentleman, I can be a prick, and I do regret more than I admit. You have been followed back to the same place I sat with you drink for drink. Take the pain out of love, and then love won't exist. Everything we had, everything we had,everything we had, everything we had is no longer there. It was the only place I'd ever known. Turned off the light on my way out the door. I will be watching wherever you go, through the eyes of a fly on the wall. You have been followed back to the same place I sat with you drink for drink. Take the pain out of love and then love won't exist. Everything we had, everything we had, everything we had, everything we had is no longer there, longer there. Well, you saw for yourself, the way it played out. For you, I am blinded. For you, I am blinded, for you. I am no gentleman, I can be a prick. And I do regret more than I admit. You have been followed back to the same place I sat with you drink for drink. Take the pain out of love, and then love won't exist. Everything we had, everything we had...

Blogspot.

I don't think it should be called that, atleast, not mine. Delilahvincentdebonair.blogspot.com? I hardly blog. These days, it's more of a confession spot, than anything. If I was to kill someone, this is the first place you would hear about it. If I wanted to tell you I love you or I hate you or I find you mildly interesting, look here, it'll all have been carefully typed out.

Last night, I knew what to say but you weren't there to hear it. These lines, so well rehearsed. Tongue tied and over loaded.

I'm not sure why I do it anymore. Maybe I'll stop? Maybe I'll tell you I've stopped, but really I'll have a spot that you don't know about. Maybe I'll get to 200 and end it.

There's nothing to say anymore. No one has anything worth writing about. Inspire me.

To Be Loved.

I am not in love, this is not my heart. I'm not going to waste these words about a girl.

Isn't it funny how you can spend time with someone and grow to love them? Yet, when they're taken from you, you just get used to them not being there.

I don't miss anyone. I guess that makes me a bad friend. Friends are meant to want you back when they're not with them. I used to be like that, but give it a few days and I couldn't really care less weither they're coming back or not.

After a while I start to hate people, for reasons unknown. It doesn't help when other people ask about where they are or what they're doing, I don't need reminded. I don't want to remember.

Because in reality, they're all so much happier than I am and I've slipped their mind. We are not best friends anymore.

To Whom It May Concern.

I don't wanna grow old, bring me all the toys you can find. You don't want to grow up, you can be my partner in crime.

Friendships are difficult. Friendships between boys and girls are hard enough, ofcourse, but when you're a jelous bitch... you're just making things harder for yourself.

The majority of us have just left school, we're all going to be losing contact and meeting new people. 'My Boys' are going to be meeting new girls. Do you know how weird this is going to be for me? I'm used to being one of the only and most important girls in their life. Girls are bitches, I know what girls are like.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. This has been bugging me forever, but there's nothing you can do to stop these things from happening. I want my friends to be happy. I do just the same, I meet boys all the time.

There is no happy medium.

Breathe Me.

Don't think about all those things you feel, just be glad to be here.

'Ten Sterling Superkings, please." You hand over money, all the change you could find in the bottom of your bag. You get ten cigarettes Ten tiny little sticks that might just result in your death. Death never tasted so good. Each one will last you roughly six minutes, that adds up to one hour of unintentional suicide. These are the same cigarettes most peoples grandparents smoke. Why? They're the only ones that aren't pricey. They have foul pictures on the packets now. Doesn't make us want to stop buying them, just encourages us not to look at what we buy.

I guess, it's the nicotine that we all love the most. Given that's the only reason we're buying more, right? Me personally, no. I hate the things, those death sticks. "You don't wanna sell me death sticks, you want to go home and re-think your life". I'm a social smoker, I'm doing it because it makes me look cool. Part of me is doing it because my friends do. Another part of me is doing it because I like the routine. The bigger past of me is doing it because I'm too lazy to give up, to refuse a fag when a friend offers it or to be in the company of smokers and not have the urge to join them.

See the feeling you get when you inhave and it hits the back of your throat? There's nothing quite like it. It tastes horrible, smells horrible and doesn't look too pleasent either, but when was love ever attractive?

Complications.

"Listen, what if I screw up this college thing on purpose... that way I can go to Berkly."
"You don't wanna do that."
"I don't want to go to Brown."
"You have to go to Brown, your dad would kill you if you didn't."
"What about us?"
"Well, we'll just pine for each other, endlessly."

Love is the drug.

Feel The Pull.

I remember very little of last year. I don't remember much before a few months ago. Things from the past, the things I like, are so vivid in my memory.

I remember 'that summer' like it was yesterday. I can tell you almost everything, down to what I was wearing on every day. I remember it all so well. That was 2006. I remember that time I told my Mum I was staying at Danielles and then we snuck out into town to go and see our boyfriends. My Mum didn't know about my boyfriend. I remember the next day, wearing black on such a hot day was ridiculous, we hid under the stairs at Craigendoran trying to be comfortable with each other. I remember everything that happened before Jake left. Anything after that is jumbled up. That summer seemed like forever, probably because I wanted it to end so much, it just seemed to drag on. I can't remember how I was when the summer ended. I can remember much after that.

I don't remember the summer after that, I don't remember 2007. I remember being single. I was dumped just a few months before hand. I think the weather was bad that year. Why the fuck can't I remember?

The weather last year was okay. I had a family holiday, I didn't want to go, more than anything. I wanted to be in Portugal, that place is my home from home. It was the only place I ever want to go. I wanted to see Jean, I wanted to be in a place I could feel comfortable. I didn't enjoy that summer much, I think. There was alot going on that year. Jake came to visit too... I actually almost forgot, that's never happened before. I think that was one of the most difficult times of my life, it was also the end of summer.

I wish this summer could be simple, like it used to be. I know it wont be though, I know I'm going to spend alot of the time complaining or curled up in my bed covers. I wish I knew what's going to happen now, so I can kick myself in the teeth sooner rather than later.

Is it because I'm growing up? Ha, growing up, who am I kidding? Getting old, that's more like it. I'm not allowed to be a silly little teenager now. Responsibility.

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/grownups.png

But grown ups make the rules. I must be in some sort of Limbo.

Beach Babes.

The girls. They're in their bikini tops and shorts. They're going to top up their tan and keep an eye out on the talent and the competition. The sun is out and so is the flesh. They go in groups, groups of plenty. Smokers, drinkers and drug takers; they're bound to be at least one of them, they'll have anything that's going. Next to nothing materials. Hand bags that carry more than their own body mass. Low factor sun block, just in case. Handful of magazines to pass the time. Sunglasses that dominate their faces, can't forget that. They're here to see the men, the boys that think they're men.

I am not one of these girls. Not because I don't want to be, I can't be. I'm not comfortable with these girls.

The boys. Usually wearing no more than shorts, an attept to show off that 'body' they've been working on since last summer. They're also out to top up tans, keep an eye on the competition but more importantly, the talent. They're everywhere and drinking, carrying crates of poison to a sunny spot. They're kicking a football, another attempt to sway the girls. They're having more fun that the girls though, they actually look as if they're enjoying themselves. They don't bother with sunblock and tan lines, they're more worried about the females tans.

I am not one of these boys. I don't fit with them. I don't like football or women. I hate beer.

I'm one of the ones that's staying in her room with the window open and the laptop beside her. I'm one of those kids that keeps taking their shoes off and running around on the grass. I'm the one down by the beach chasing the pathetic waves. I'm one of those people dressed in black throughout summer because they don't own any other colours. I'm chasing the shade just to keep my cool. I'm the kind that spends the majority of their money on ice lollies. I'm the type of girl that wears factor 50, in fear of having a skin tone that resembles that or a humans. I'm one of the people that wears swim suits and not bikinis. I'm one of the girls that feels better covered up.

I'm hitting all the wrong targets. I can't stand this heat.

Strings That Tie To You.

From the wrinkles on my forehead to the mud upon my shoe, everything's a memory with strings that tie to you. In my dream I'm often running to the place that's out of view of every kind of memory with strings that tie to you. Though a change has taken place and I no longer do adore her, still every God forsaken place is always right around the corner. Now I know it's either them or me so I'll bury every clue and every kind of memory with strings that tie to you... And every kind of memory with strings that tie to you.

Party.

Queens Of The Stone Age – Feel Good Hit of the Summer
"Nicotine, valium, vicodin, marijuana, ecstasy and alcohol... c-c-c-c-cocaine!"

I was at the party. I'm always at the party. I was early to leave, unusual for me but t was a good time. I watched two people vomit infront of me and still love them. I chased a moth with a candle, trying to kill it. I spilt wax on myself atleast 4 times. I let my friends pour wax on me. I let them drag me into the dark, horrible shed and close the door on me. I lay in the middle of the road for about 2 minutes at half past one. I gave my friend my jumper, which is yet to be seen. The things I do for my friends.

I did not kiss any boys in the shed, nor did I suck on their toes. Kapeesh?

Parties are, pretty much, the highlight of my summer. I can't speak for the rest of my friends, but I know they're one thing I look forward to more than anything. I know, you can have fun without drinking but you can have so much more fun when you can't feel your face or walk down stairs without bruising your knees.

There's nothing better than you and a group of people, that don't mind you being the way you are, all around a table enjoying time. Good food, bad booze, cheap fags and some music in the kitchens. It's a good life. It's a good time of the year. All burnt to a crisp, sharing sun block and ice creams.

This summer might not end up half bad.

I Can't Decide;

I can't decide weither to put this:

as my new title picture, or keep the one I have...

They're both very similar, see. Feedback?