I Was Thinking; Finale.

"Do you believe in love at first sight? It's an illusion, I don't care. Do you believe I can make you feel better? Too much confusion, come on over here."

Todays the day, Ladies and Gents. You'll have heard this all before, it's that tragic tale I've been stringing along behind me and never letting go. If you don't know me, this should all sound like a big mess that you wont take very seriously because the human race couldn't care less. To all of you that do know me, you'll probably now think I'm actually really vulnerable. Don't let this silly story make you think any less of me.

A story.

The begining was fabulous. Typical summer love, just like in the movies. Combine summer love with teenage love and you have created something possible of creaping back into someones life and ruining their chances of complete happiness. Dramatic, I know, but that's the way this story goes. It was completely out of the ordinary, I didn't even know you, it was all on a whim. I was hung up on someone else and getting nowhere with it, then you appear, out of the blue and into my life. If i knew at the time I'd spend a month pining after you I wouldn't have spoken to you after that day... but you had walked right into my life, as casual as you like and I didn't know any better. I also didn;t know you'd walk just as easily back out.

That day was sunny. It was on the grass, I was sitting cross legged and Timmy was as high as a kite so he crashed out on my left leg. He got you high. You crashed out on the other leg. I started putting grass on Timmys face while he was asleep. Someone was about to put grass on you but I told them not to... I was far too nice to you. We talked for the rest of that day and exchanged phone numbers, your mobile was broken but I wrote mine down for you. The minute I got home my best friend was on the phone to me, "Do you want me to ask him out for you? You might as well, what's the worst that could happen?" and all of the rest of it. I guess, I just thought I might as well! Nothing that day was like it usually was, so I went for it. Just like she said.

You weren't so sure about it. I understand now, you knew you were leaving, I didn't, you knew you would have to leave me. No one leaves me. My cousin, my ever so over protective cousin, heard about the going-ons and talked you into saying yes. She also gave you the "upset her and I kill you" talk. I saw you the day after, you had jumped off the pier before I came out... smooth move, quite the Casinova. I think the first thing I said to you was "you smell like the Clyde". You did, you were soaking. I held your hand anyway. I ended up smelling like the clyde too. People kept on walking past us that day and asking, "oh my God, you guys?! Seriously?!". I was loving it. I was loving you. I hate that.

The time we spent together was good.

The day you left was the begining of it all. You told me the day before, just to remind me, "I'm leaving tomorrow.", as if I'd forget. I just replied, "I know.". When you did leave, it was rather abrupt. You gave me the common and over used 'we need to talk', I gave you a witty 'talking is nice' but then you said something along the lines of 'in private' and pulled me away. I knew it was coming, it was so blatantly obvious. I don't even remember what you said, I doubt I was listening at all, but it did register in my head. I don't think we ever did have a proper goodbye, that one certainly wasn't, a hug and you walked away. As far as I knew, I would never see you again. I wandered off to the seat behind the fun box. I cried. I don't know when I stopped, it felt like forever.

I spent almost 3 weeks in town, crying my eyes out and shutting myself off from the world. At the time, it didn't seem like 'depression', I thought that was for people with dead parents or drug habits. The more I think about it, the more I realise that I was really fucked up. I started to cut myself then. I didn't see the problem until someone really close to me had an accident related to self harm. It didn't stop me though... I really should have. I was safe about it though, don't worry. I still have the scars, they're very faint though. I love them all the same, they'll stay with me for the rest of my life.

I hit a point when I thought to myself, "stop your whining, he's not coming back, not for you, grow up and get a grip." and I did. I 'moved on' and started going for guys like I go for coffee. I don't think I'll ever stop being like that, just picking up and dropping boys as I please. I blame you, you did the exact same to me.

We eventually, by eventually I mean about 2 months later, got back in contact. I told you of all my love escapades and how hapy I was with my life. You were still single, I was happy. You told me you missed me and I caved. I gave in, I told you the same and I was back at square one. I had a boyfriend, I 'loved' him and he 'loved' me but we still talked about "what do you think would happen if I stayed?" and all of the rest of it. I was naive to reply with "we'd still be together", I'm starting to doubt that now. You were my best friend then, I called you every other day and ran up a rediculous phone call all for the sake of keeping in contact.

You got my hopes up and pulled me straight back to reality, alot. You told me you were coming to visit, alot. You didn't, alot.

When you did eventually visit I was happy. I knew exactly what was coming though; you were going to leave me for a second time. I tried not to get too attatched but you made it very hard. You would show up outside my door asking to go walking. You knew I couldn't say no to you, you must have.

I remember the day before you left again, I don't think you remember as you were smoking with the guys earlier on. I'd be happier thinking you don't remember. I was a state. I actually let you see me crying. It did make the next day alot easier to deal with though, I'd already said what I needed to, it was just a case of goodbye. I wrote you a letter, I was meant to give you it that day but I didn't. I still have it.

I think I'm used to you leaving now. I'm used to you not being here too. Pretty much, I'm used to life without you now. A part of me will always hate you for everything you've ever done to upset me. For every time you've told me about the girls you're with, for every story of how drunk you got last weekend and for every time you've pretended to care about me. Because guess what? If you did, you wouldn't fight me. You wouldn't argue with me. You wouldn't have let me become what I am.

I can't hold a relationship these days. I can't handle my own life. I can't be like a normal girl. I can't do anything correctly and I blame you for it all. You made me miserable. You'll say "there was nothing I could do", but I'll say make me hate you. If I hated you it would make more sense. I get half of you, I get to be your friend and I can't do that. I want either you or nothing to do with you. I will always have a place for you though. I want you to know, if you ever feel like abandoning your life and all your responsibilities make sure you let me know. You know I'd drop everything. That's the effect, I think, you have on me. That, and you twist my words and then use them against me.

Everything you have ever done to me has shaped me into who I am today and I couldn't be happier with who I am. Okay, so every time we talk it is slightly soul-crushing but I love the drama just as mch as you do. You break me but each time I pull myself back together again and each time, I'm stronger. I just hope one day you don't push me to the point of no return. "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." I hate everything you do, so much, it's almost rediculous. You're the best first love I could have asked for, you've made my life a living hell and I wouldn't expect any less. I hope you're miserable with your life, I'd only be happy if I was with you or if I knew you were miserable without you. I'm a horrible person, I know, but you can't help the way you feel... right?

I can't wait till you read this. The aftermath will be blog worthy. You fuel my writing, you're helping me further my dream of becoming well known. Ha, one day I might actually be able to thank you! Not today though.