People.

They think I'm deep and interesting because I can write a few paragraphs that make you think "Man, this girls got alot to deal with."... Earth to everyone; I'm just a normal girl living a normal life but making it a bit different for myself.

I am not an ordinary girl. I'm the only one I know that is itching for you all to ask me about my past self harm habits, and my love life, and my head-mess. I'm dying for someone to confront me, as my why I did it or when did it start or when did it end... I'm not afraid to talk about it any more. I want to talk about it, but no one is interested. I want to be interesting.

So how do I do it? I blog. It makes me look deeper than I am because, let's be honest here, I am as shallow as it gets. I'm not interesting, I'm just complicated. A walking mind-fuck. I'm hard to understand, that's cool with me, but it's not easy getting people to realise that alot of the things I say are not my fault. I've got lots or things going on in my head and this is how I organise then, I put them on here an re-arrange them a bit. See, I blog for myself! No one else, but I let you lot have a sneekey peek to see how I'm doing.

I do feel though, that sometimes, the only reason some of you read this is just to check on my mental state. I'm not comfortable with that in te slightest.

You're A Fool.

To throw this away.

No one will love you as much as I do. No one will understand you like I do. No one will be as good for you as me. No one will go through all that I have to keep you. No one will be as good to you as me.

But people will be better than me, that's something I fear the most. I don't want you to forget me, but if this is how you want it to be... then you're going to have to.

You're going to do this for my benifit? Either way I'm going to end up upset, but this way I will never be happy. Before, the plan was that I spend some time being rediculously happy and then breakdown. But I'd get over it better, thinking that it was over.

With the option you've given me, I will always be thinking "but what if?". That won't be good for me, I'll forever be pining after you... I don't want to wreck your life. I don't want to turn into a crazy ex girlfriend, constantly stalking you. I'll end u like that, dragging you down.

Just let me have this. I love you more than anything.

09:50

I never knew this time exsisted on a Sunday.

Man, last night was good. I can't pinpoint why, but it goes roughly like this;
Glasgow, combined with our usual characters, Charlotte, Claire, Mel, Geoff ectect. CatHouse, combined with those usual characters and a few add-ons (such as the wonderful James that I have come to know and love then hate and fend off because I'm a horrible person). Central, before and after the CatHouse, has a combination of almost anyone.

Charlottes house was the most fun I've had in a good while. I'm glad I managed to get there alive. The company was great; Charlotte, Dicky, Mel, Sarah, Chris, James, Cassie, Claire, Div, Liam, Geoff... have I forgotten anyone?

Who cares. I had a rediculous amount of fun with that bunch and deary me am I happy to have mental mates. Will definetly be seeing them again.

To-Do?

I like lists.

• Grow My Hair Really Long; although, I've been at this for almost a year, Maybe by this time next year it will be long enough.


• Get A Death-Hawk; one of the reasons I'm growing my hair is to shave it off! Not a Mohawk, but a death-hawk! It's backbrushed and hairsrayed up (something I've got practice in) and looks funky as hell.


• Shave Head; I want a stylish funky hair cut though, afterwards. A kind of spikey, full of hair products funky look.


• Tattoos; I know they're for life, blah blah blah, I really want one! Something I'll do when I've moved out, got a job and enough money. By then I'll have more metal (not a rediculous amout, one more) and nice respectable hair... due to the "job".

You...

...know exactly how to make my heart go badoom!

It's rediculous now, I can't stop smiling!

Lies.

They're so much easier to deal with. I'm happier this way. It makes sense in my head, you go while I'm away and I'll just keep believing you'll come back. I know you wont but I'll keep the possibility that you may return tomorrow in my head. It'll keep me happy. People will ask me how we are and I'll reply "Just fine thank you," but they know something's wrong. So do I.

But I'm that sort of lunatic.

Dream On.

Listening to Depeche Mode. It makes you cool to listen to cool music.

Why is it when I decide I want a man, a boy, a relationship there are no choices?
Why is it that when I decide to stay away from relationships all together, about 4 or 5 people present themselves? Am I expected to make a decision? With all the offers at once, how can I possibley choose?

I tell you what, here's my offer;
I'm not going to choose. I'm going to completely ignore the lot of you. Oh yes, that's right, you heard me. I'm going to see who loses interest. I'm going to see who the good guys are and who I should avoid. I have a vague idea already but I never know for sure.

We've been going for almost 4 months now, you're my safety net. I know that when things go wrong with all they other boys I can come to you. I can call you up and arrange a saturday out. Then I'm with you and it goes away, it's just the two of us. You're everything I don't look for in a guy. You're like me but male. You're a prick to me, but I'm a cunt to you... and it works. I'm just completely and utterly jelous though when I see those pictures of you and other girls. You're not rightfully mine, I cannot shout at you for going to all those parties because it's not my place to do so. If we were together, you'd still go to these nights out and get drunk anyway. I doubt I could deal with that.

I know you wanted to kiss me that night we sat on the second floor, even though I said I didn't notice, I knew. It was obvious, you made it so obvious. I was too busy running to the first floor trying to kiss that last boy I mentioned. "I can see i'm a little unstable". I gave you th completely wrong impression, but I was just trying to be nice. I shouldn't have though, I should have made it clear that day that I was not interested. You're a perfect boy, and any girl would be lucky to have you. I feel that if I was with you, you would be great for me. You would treat me like gold. But alas, I know I do not deserve gold.

You are a funny one. Rediculous, infact. We'd only just met and you were already trying to sway my emotions. You're a laugh, but that is all. You're fun. That doesn't mean I will shrug you off this saturday, ofcourse not. I do what I do all the time, and you'll think you have a chance, but I'm jst a tease and you're just some fun. You can have my kisses and my hugs, but you will not have my heart, because I know that you don't want it. You don't like me, you like my face.

I will never stop trying for you. I can't stop myself.

I hate this.

What?

I am always filling in the blanks. I can't keep up. You've thrown it all away, just like that. I don't know what to do. I want to be sick. I want to cry. I want to go back to who I was. I want it back. I need a break. I need you. This is why I can't stop you. I can't stop you, I don't have the power.

It's Breaking Me.

I believe in you and me
I'm coming to find you
If it takes me all night
Wrong until you make it
And I won't forget you
At least I'll try
And run, and run tonight
Everything will be alright

I am not as strong as this. I can't hold up these walls around me. They're crumbling, I can't hold them. You know I'm not this capable, yet you persist to test my independance. Why? I thought this was love. I was always told that love was beautiful. It can't be. It's turning me into something ugly.

"Stay if you wanna love me, stay
Oh don't be shy, let's cause a scene
Like lovers do, on silver screens
Lets make it, yeah, we'll cause a scene"

I don't know how to do this anymore. Nothing makes sense. These walls will some crashing down. I will be exposed for what I truely am. Weak, pathetic, vunerable little girl.

It's not my fault I am this way. To be honest, It's your fault. Not just you, all of you. Every boy that's ever hurt me, every girl that's ever slated me. Each and every friend of mine. You've all molded me into what I've become, it's just a shame that what I have become is something you're not so fond of anymore. Miss Independant, Miss Self Sufficient, Miss Keep-Your-Distance. It's my mums fault, for telling me day in, day out; "You either hurt or be hurt. Break hearts, don't let any boy break your heart."... and I obviously took this into great seriousness.

I refuse to let anyone see me as soft, caring, dependant. I will not let anyone be soft towards me, care for me or depend on me. These are my walls. I need to keep them standing, sheltering me.

I will not, I cannot say goodbye anymore. I can pretend, I'll happily pretend that you will never leave me again. But you will, I know it, it always happens. I cannot win this one. Either way, whatever happens, I will get hurt. I hate being hurt. I hate this I hate me for getting myself involved. No more goodbyes, please.

I'm Complicated.

It's been four months. November, December, January and February. So what, we weren't going out? Who cared? I sure as hell didn't. It fitted my schedule. You never really wanted me that much, I learned to deal with that. Make most of what you have? That's what I did, I made the most of that thing we had.

We just did things that couples do. We did Glasgow, we held hands, we kissed, we got drunk and funny, we argued, we danced, we watched movies... It's nice. It's no strings attached. It means I have you on tap, and you have me whenever you feel you need me. It means I don't have to see you, I do it by choice.

Things are fine the way they are. Seeing as you don't remember trying to change them, I'm going to leave them the way they are.

My Days Are Made By You.

To the man that walks by me wearing my favourite smell, Joop, thank you.
To the man that will walk past me and turn around once I have past him, thank you.
To every girl that sees me and whispers something nasty to her friend, thank you.
To my friends that aren't ashamed to hang around with me, thank you.
To people that go to the bother of taking photos and getting them developed, thank you.
To people that send random texts to me for no reason, just saying hello, thank you.
To the artists that can write songs as if they've been reading my mind, thank you.
To the mind readers, thank you.
To the Irn Bru Carnival, thank you.
To everyone that told me I would love again, thank you.
To the graphics and art departments, thank you.
To Mrs Slaughters rediculous yet fabulous outfits, thank you.
To Cute Is What We Aim For, Kids In Glasses, Panic At The Disco and any other lyrically excellent bands, thank you.
To coffee, crisps, chocolate, fruit pastels, nutella and softmints, thank you.
To my cousin Stephanie, for being a nutter and an influence, thank you.

To almost every other sixth year in the school, no thanks will go to you for judging me before knowing me.
To the male half of the human race, you're not getting thanks for making my life a living hell.
To exams, if you think you're being thanked you can just piss off.
To mental breakdowns thinking they can bring me down, I'm better than that, no thanks.
To the creepy guys that always get the wrong impression when I'm nice to them, no thank you.
To 'snideys' from people that know I don't deserve it, you'll get a thank you when you wisen up.
To sunburn, you're never being thanked.
To the top floor of the cathouse, thanks will be given when you start acting your age.
To scene kids, no thanks.
To adults telling me to be mature, no ta.

Mental Breakdown.

Definition
Like the term "sanity," the terms "nervous breakdown" and "mental breakdown" do not have any medical definition and are not used in a clinical sense. They therefore do not necessarily have a rigorous or static definition. They can be used colloquially to describe anything from a momentary fit of anger to the onset of a permanent psychological disorder. In almost all cases, however, the "breakdown" is the result of unmanageably high stress.

A similar, more rigorously defined phenomenon is Transmarginal Inhibition, which might be seen as a kind of mental breakdown in response to harsh conditioning. Note that a mental breakdown is not the same as a panic attack, though mental breakdowns can trigger panic.

Specific cases are usually described as a "breakdown" only after a person becomes unable to function in day-to-day life due to mental illness.[1] The person's condition is then advanced, and seeking professional aid is advisable.

Potential causes

• Causes of breakdown might include:
  
• a traumatic, violent, or near-death experience
  
• academic problems
  
• bullying
  
• career burnout or job dissatisfaction
  
• chronic and unresolved grief
  
• chronic insomnia and other sleep disorders
  
• chronic or newly discovered illness/disease
  
• death of a family member
  
• deception by a loved one
  
• divorce
  
• employment discrimination
  
• homelessness
  
• post-war trauma
  
• pregnancy
  
• relationship breakup
  
• serious or chronic illness of a family member
  
• stress e.g. caused by work-related problems or financial difficulties etc
  
• unemployment
  
• unrequited love
  
• involuntary celibacy
  
• unresolved sexual identity crisis
  
• use of certain drugs

The sudden, acute onset of the following mental illnesses might be classified as breakdowns:

• anxiety
  
• bipolar disorder
  
• clinical depression
  
• dissociation
  
• post-traumatic stress disorder
  
• psychosis
  
• schizoaffective disorder
  
• schizophrenia
  
• severe stress

I think I'm having one.

Chocolate.

My Number One Friend.

I'm upset. I'm angry. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm full of revenge. Who can I turn to?

Galaxy.

Oh, chocolate. You've become a rediculous obsession.

I Am Watercolour.

Radio is a passion of mine. It's the reason I have discovered so many fantastic songs. Recently, I've listened to one station... although I've never bothered to check what it is. But they read poetry in the evenings. It's a nice change to music, to sit and listen to someone nattering away.

This one, I liked.

For My Lover, Returning To His Wife
Anne Sexton

She is all there.
She was melted carefully down for you
and cast up from your childhood,
cast up from your one hundred favorite aggies.

She has always been there, my darling.
She is, in fact, exquisite.
Fireworks in the dull middle of February
and as real as a cast-iron pot.

Let's face it, I have been momentary.
A luxury. A bright red sloop in the harbor.
My hair rising like smoke from the car window.
Littleneck clams out of season.

She is more than that. She is your have to have,
has grown you your practical your tropical growth.
This is not an experiment. She is all harmony.
She sees to oars and oarlocks for the dinghy,

has placed wild flowers at the window at breakfast,
sat by the potter's wheel at midday,
set forth three children under the moon,
three cherubs drawn by Michelangelo,

done this with her legs spread out
in the terrible months in the chapel.
If you glance up, the children are there
like delicate balloons resting on the ceiling.

She has also carried each one down the hall
after supper, their heads privately bent,
two legs protesting, person to person,
her face flushed with a song and their little sleep.

I give you back your heart.
I give you permission --

for the fuse inside her, throbbing
angrily in the dirt, for the bitch in her
and the burying of her wound --
for the burying of her small red wound alive --

for the pale flickering flare under her ribs,
for the drunken sailor who waits in her left pulse,
for the mother's knee, for the stocking,
for the garter belt, for the call --

the curious call
when you will burrow in arms and breasts
and tug at the orange ribbon in her hair
and answer the call, the curious call.

She is so naked and singular
She is the sum of yourself and your dream.
Climb her like a monument, step after step.
She is solid.

As for me,
I am a watercolor. I wash off.

My Possessions.

Get your hands off my phone, it's mine, leave it alone. Give back my gloves! I need them, it's cold. Don't tug at my shirt, you, I will seriously hurt you. Is it that big a deal if I take off my shoes?

Hand me my bag, I'll show you what I have. Useful items and pointless bric-a-brac. What do you need?

Are you bleeding? Here's a band aid.

Are you tangled? Here's a brush.

Are you sweating? Here's my deoderant.

Are you dirty? Have a wet wipe.

Are you cut? Have an antiseptic cleansing wipe (alcohol free).

Are you ugly? Search through my make up bag.

Are you stressed? Have some chocolate.

Are you good looking? Grab my camera and take a picture.

Bad breath? Have a trebor soft mint, peppermint.

Raining? Have my umbrella, I warn you, it's broken.

But don't even think about touching anything without asking.

"

I don't know how you charmed your way into my heart. I don't know how you skuck your way into my arms.

I'm just a stupid girl with a stupid crush.

I think that's all I'm capable of; crushing. Crushing is a horrible term. Imagine someone came up to you, someone you didn't know too well and they say soemthing along the lines of "I'm crushing on you" or "I've got a cruch on you...". The first image that pops into my head is the cartoon of a house with arms and legs coming out from underneath and a little speak bubble that reads "help! i'm being crushed on!". If that's the case, I never want to be crushed on.

I feel I am to old to crush. Isn't crushing for first years? Not 17 year olds. 17 year olds can drive! They shouldn't be allowed to have crushes on people. There should be another word for it, when you hit a certain age. Although, I never say "Iv'e got a crush on *insert boy-that-looks-like-girl's name here*" anymore, I now say, "I am interested in *insert wanker*". It gives off a more mature impression, I think. Not that I'm saying I'm mature, I'm not really, I'm just getting old. It's the same as when you hear an old woman say "This is my boyfriend," which is a blatant lie, he's your friend but he's no longer a boy, he's a man.

I'm trying to be older than I am, aren't I?... Why am I asking you? You are mearly a laptop and not once have you replied to me!

I don't crush anymore. I can't do it. I don't see boys/men as possible matches. I see them as fun. I'm sure that's probably rather insulting to them really... That the only reason I'm taking an interest to them is because they are 'fun', but surely they'll understand that I find it insulting that they're only taking an interest in me because I possibility for sex? I'm not just a woman, I'm a person.

See me as genderless! I should change my name to something more uni-sex. Sam? Alex? Jordan? I want to change my name..."

Body Modification; Insanity.

Scarification. Beautiful.

My legs are covered in bruises. I don't know for sure where they came from but I have an idea it was when Johnny tripped me over in the snow and when Dicky kept nipping my legs when we were on the train. I love my bruises. They're all blue and purple, sore to touch. Fabulous, in my own opinion. It's a change from my legs being pink and pale.

I've started to look at my body to see what's missing. I used to look at my tongue and think there was a metal bar missing... that was short lved though. For a while, I thought there was a metal bar missing from my lip... I got it shoved in and I'm rather happy I did. I still have not felt the need to take it out and I doubt I will for a very long time.

I look at my shoulders now and I think "man... they're bland". I don't want something cheesey like those swallow tattoos (no offence to anyone with them, they're just not my cup of tea) but I'd love something there, just some ink to brighten up my shoulders. My back is a blank canvas. Lolas' tattoo, of the wings; the placebo wings, is one that I would consider. But alas I fear that getting these would be too much like copying and that goes against the whole point of me being me.

Scarification is something I'd love but never go through. It seems much more delicate (the result, obviously not the proceedure) that ink and metal. I'd never be able to pluck up the courage to do it. One of the big reasons I wouldn't do it is because it's a scar. I have no need for any more scarfs, if you please. As much as I love my scars, I don't think having one simply for decorative purpose would agree with everything else I have ever done. What would this scar mean? Nothing, it just looks nice.

As I said, I love my scars, my metal. I love all types of scars, metal and ink. I love all weird and wonderful ways of making yourself stand out from the crowd. I'm not the kind of person that thinks "when i hit 16 im going to get pierced to shit, man!", or "dude, when we're 18 lets wreck our bodies with ink!" or anything else along those lines...

I'm spur-of-the-moment Heather Cameron. If I want a piercing/tattoo/body mod of any sort I'll decide the night before and forget to mention to my parents.

50th Post

It's so embarrassing to think that I've cried over people. People that now mean nothing to me. Why did I bother?

"I Told You To Leave Me There"

It's Valentines Day and I'm sitting alone watching Forrest Gump. Sums me up pretty well I think. He's in the hospital because he got shot "directly in the buttocks" and he's just recived all the letters from Jenny.

I have nothing to say today, I hate that. I'm in a foul mood, I hate that more though.

I no longer do now. I just simply exist now, I'm not living, I'm just being. One of the most horrible feelings is that of not belonging.
My day consists of nothing. Well, that's a lie, it consists of the same things, day in, day out. I wake up, I put make up on and tie my hair up. I leave the house in the morning and have a coffee somewhere, anywhere. I meet up with people to take my mind off of this and I go home. I go to my room, I throw on a movie and I eat far too much chocolate. My day is made up of coffee, movies, friends, chocolate and the internet; things I've ended up relying on far too much.

Coffee. I had one this morning. I had it with 6 sugars. I was in a weird mood after that. I love it. It's the same with anything, the alcohol or the drugs. Any of the mind altering substances. It's like, I don't know, a change? The chance to not be myself, even if it's for a little while, it's a break. A break from reality.

I am happy with the person that I am. I achive as much as I can. The problem is that I am sick of me. Day in day out putting up with the same old me. I couldn't be more bored of myself. Same old brand new me, forever.

Heather?

I don't know if I can yell any louder

How many time have I kicked you outta here?

Or said something insulting?

da da da da-da

I can be so mean when I wanna be

I am capable of really anything

I can cut you into pieces

But my heart is....broken

Da da da-da da

Please don't leave

I sometimes feel that I'm a bit of a let down. I don't live up to my reputation. I don't mean to be big headed or anything, I just think some people meet me and think "Wow," but then get to know me and it's just not the same...

I don't want you to fall for me. I really don't. I don't want to let you down at all. I wish I wasn't me sometimes.

Please Don't Leave Me.

That's my neighbour and her two dogs; Mac and Tosh. I never realised until after I took the picture. I like this picture because it looks like she's engulfed by the woods. The path, that has been walked before, the trees towering over her.. but she walks, head held high; not afraid. Audrey.

Recently, I have started to listen to more spoken word poetry that I usually do. I really enjoy it. I think it's something that high class people will never agree with, as it's not as 'proper' as the poetry they read. Spoken word is so much more intellectual that any of their metaphorical crap. Not just the fact it rhymes, the things the poets speak about, the way they deliver their poems; with feeling, everything about them just screams excellence!

Recently, I have started to contemplate weither the male half of the species is really worth all the hastle.
Recently, I have realised that all the hastle I went to when I was trying harder to be 'one of the guys' was slightly ludacris! It's starting to annoy me that sometimes a few of my friends forget that I am a girl. I have a vagina and breats, boys! So don't include me in your vulgar discussions.

"Don't blame it on my heart, blame it on my youth",I can't wait until that big ole V day!
pointless post.

No.

I want to see how it feels to slap you across the face. I want to know if you had any intentions of hurting me. I want to know if it ever came into your head that what you were about to do might effect me in some way. I want to know why you weren't man enough to speak to me before I left. I want to know why you're such a big girl.

I know you think you're Gods gift to women. I know you think you can get whatever and whoever you want. I know that you're no better than any other number. I know that I am better than you. I know that you didn't want me, you just liked the idea.

I'm just as bad, really. I can hardly blame you.
I was at the Cat House, as where the two boys that I was interested in. Now, none of them are. Now, because I'm such an idiot, I've chased them both away. The second one... well, it's probably for the best, judging on tonight, that I never "got with" him. But the second one... I don't know.

I realised the other day that me and 'him' have had this on again off again kind of seeing each other over the hedge thing for 3 months. 3 months! 3 months, Heather, if this was a relationship it would have been your second longest. Heather Cameron, the girl that can't do relationships. This became my new aproach; a sort of "let's just meet up at the weekend and be coupley, kiss and hug and hold hands, then spend the rest of the week arranging what we'll do again at the weekend.", this was my no strings attached arrangement. But it's worked exactly the same as my regular relationships, just means it lasts a bit longer.

I have started to lose interets in the boy. I wish I wouldn't, I wish it would last like this for longer. Charlotte always says to me "you can't help the way you feel". But damn, if I could then I'd be able to be so much nicer to him because he's a really nice lad when it boils down to it.

The other boy, I realise now, isn't worthy of my time. As angry as I am, it's not because I'm gutted, it's because he can't do that to me. He cannot lead me on, string me along, I don't care who he is or who he thinks he is, he can't do that to me. Me. Heather Cameron. The best thing. Better than him, ofcourse. But generally, I'm a nice girl. I deserve better.

Don't Struggle Like That; I Will Only Love You More.

My Grandad is a truely excellent man. Despite him being homophobic (you can hardly blame him, he's of that generation, he hasn't yet adapted to the times) and stubborn, he is a fighter. He's already fought through a heart attack a few years ago, now a stroke has tried to take him down but he is having none of it!

My mum told me off when we got out of the hospital. Apparently I'm useless because I didn't break down. I think my family expected more of a reaction out of me, but since when have I been one to express such a strong emotion infront of people that close to me? It was important to me that I didn't break infront of them, and especially, infront of my grandad.

He was responding well which could only be a good sign. The last time my mum visited, he didn't even recognise her, he wasn't moving or speaking. Today he knew who she was and understood that we had visited. My mum held his hand and he held it, she explained to him how freezing it was outside and that she was still cold from the weather. My uncle Tommy arrived. My mum made a joke about aloe vera (my Grandad loves the stuff!) and we could tell that he understood. He tried to talk but couldn't get any words out, just noise.

That really got me upset. My Grandad is the sort of guy that gets frustrated about little things, and not being able to get the words out is something I know would really tick him off.

I think this visit was harder for the family because they could see how upset he was getting. As before, we weren't getting much from him, but now he was responding and that got a reaction out of us. At one point while I went for a coffee, he pointed at my cousin Rebecca. He could move his arm up and point, phenominal really. She went over and said hello, not really knowing what to say.

It really shows you how horrific it can be when your family get hurt. Me and my Grandad were never exceptionally close, but I know that this was one thing I hope to never see again. He was just not his usual self. I never thought it would be this bad.

I am a rock, I am being strong for the benifit of my Mum. Right now, she needs a Gal Pal and a someone to let it out with. I know she's sick of my dad running around after her and my brother just drives us all up the wall. My mum knows I am here. Today was my way of showing her that this will not stop me trying to help her, because that's what she needs right now.

Michael, you're a fighter and you will get better, cause you're a stuborn wee buggar like that.

Strange & Beautiful

Right now, I see myself at an Attractive Age. I'm 17, by the way, for those of you who don't know me. Seventeen, legal enough to sleep around and drive but not old enough to be drunk while doing it.


Let me expand more on this "Attractive Age", shall I? I was looking around at the poeple in my year of school, all the different groups at their selected lunch tables. By the way, I still need to write about Lunch Tables, they say alot more than just "eat on me!". As I was saying, I saw that some of the S6 pupils are really pretty, good looking and 'fit'. Is it only because we're at this age, an age that makes you think of school as a Cat Walk and shopping is a sport? I've not hit the point, yet, where I start to really worry about how I look. But that's probably just in my nature.

I think it's the age groups, to be honest. In primary school, you never had the option, your parents picked your clothes (as they did with everything else, your friends, your food habits ect ect), weither it was those aweful trousers that hooped around your feet... what was their purpose? The picture at the top of the post must have been the day I stopped my mum choosing what I wear and decided I'd go shopping with her.

I remember coming to Hermitage Academy, aged 11, and suddenly feeling the need to buy a Kookai and Jane Norman bag. Jane Norman isn't a real person by the way, just a name the company decided to use. I also wanted a big white coat with a fluffy hood, and a rediculous amount of different coloured head bands. I was never good with keeping up with different trends, I spent about three years trying to look "nice" until I realised that nobody cares!


When you come to 13-15, anything can happen, but it will most likely be a fashion that's extreme. Exaggerrated fashion, trying to emphasise how much you like it but only succeeding to look like a tool. When I was at this age, I couldn't have been... there's no way of saying this without sounding vain, big headed or jus silly; I didn't look half as good then as I do now. That's mainly because I made myself look silly for the attention, to make people question me and to break the mould. It's also because between the age of 13 and 15, you are still kind of chubby from being all young, aren't allowed to branch out your shopping destinations as much as you can when you become 16 or older.

16; no longer a half. Earning your own money and staying at school by choice. Dressed to impress; mainly the opposite sex. I never got to be in a clique or anything like that, never had a specific lunch table or a hang out spot. Now, once I hit 16, I had a specific group of friends, there are seating arrangements and other important things. Clothing isn't a problem with my "clique", but I could imagine it is very important with the other tables. The majority of them are all in the new rave indie gear that I've never been a big fan off.

To conclude, I hate trends. I feel like the age I am at right now is the most stressful when it comes to fashion. I've never been one to think of others though so really... count me out on your little cat walk rubbish.

Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic.

"Every little thing she does is magic
Everything she do just turns me on
Even though my life before was tragic
Now I know my love for her goes on" - Police

Finally, a song that speaks positively about a woman. I feel quite bad for the female race sometimes... well, alot of the time. Most songs now-a-days are boys singing about that girl that left and how miserable he is. To those boys that write those songs; I see through you, this is just as evil guilt trip to win her back but it won't work. There are hardly any songs that are about women and the joy they have brought to men. Women aren't as bad as I make them out to be!

Men; you can't just blame women (or her, not just the whole female race) for you being miserable. Let's say she just out of the blue told you she has to leave you and it was aweful, you both cried at each other and got all emotional. Blah blah blah. It's hard on you, yes, but can you not imagine that maybe it's even worse for her? You'll probably find that you had driven her away, anyway.

Say she cheats on you, and you - being a big baby - try to win her back. Don't bother, the problem isn't that she's a woman, it's that she's a shit person. It's for the best really, atleast now you can say "better off without you" and mean it! If you cheat on her and try to win her back... I have no sympathy for you, you are the scum of the earth and she shouldn't have to put up with your whining.

Just a general message to all boys out there; the pathetic needy look isn't attractive. There are people out there *cough* that think it's quite weird and scary. Calling up all the time, generally guilt tripping the girl, almost stalking! It's not good. It makes you look bad. If she can move on, so can you. There are plently of fish in the sea. It's nice, I guess, for you to let a girl know that you still like and and that, but telling her you can't live without her... number one; that's a blatant lie, otherwise you'd be dead, and number two; it'll only drive her away more so.

Women are complicated, yes, and they're not all worth it, but there are a good few somewhere that can be nice and lovely and all that. Don't loose all faith in them just because one decided to screw you over (she only did it because it helps to get rid of you, which is better for everyone), there are plenty more out there...

Actually, don't listen to me, I am not one to be dishing out relationship advice!
My point was really, just that all you guys out there should maybe stop trying to be dicks to your ex's? Maybe? Just a thought.

I Built You Up.

I can just as easily break you down.

You've been bitten by the Popularity Bug. No need to worry, it won't last long. It's like a hyper blue-bottle on my window ledge; it'll die eventually but I want it to have some sort of fun. You're a creation, my creation. I made you.

Cafeteria tables are alot more complicated that you think, you just haven't got the hang of it yet. One night with the Popular Kids has changed you, now you're at their table alot of the time. Your old table will forget about you if you don't go back. They were good to you, accepted you even though you are a mantal wreck. Those Popular Ones are only speaking to you because you're a house to stay at when they get drunk.

Where was I when you were making mistakes, being disowned by your 'friends'? Right fucking here. Every step of the way, I have been here. New school, I helped, you came here and I made sure you knew where to go. I made sure you weren't alone. I made you.

They will toss you away when they realise what you're like. Darling, the novelty of you wares off after the first week. You know I'm one to keep, forever taking you back. They don't know you like I do. They haven't put up with you like I have, they'll realise that you're hard work, and they don't do the work. The kids that think they're cool, drinking at the weekend but still getting straight A's. Come back to us and come back to earth.

40th Blog Post.

"Oh I can’t look at you this morning
I should probably have a sign
That says ‘Leave "right now or quicker’
You’ve overstayed your time

Maybe I slept peaceful on your shoulder
Your arm warm around my side
But it’s different now, it’s morning
And I can’t face your smile

The second that I feel your safe hands
Reaching out for mine
I slip away and out of sight
You’ve overstayed your time"



I don't think I am made to be in a relationship, ever. I can't seem to hold my interests in one person at a time or one person for longer than a few weeks. I can't be that nice lovely pretty making-you-look-good girlfriend... I do appologise! I don't think it is entirely my fault. Boys/Men must play a big part in this? It's been suggested that I am afraid of relationships. I think it's something else...

Noun
Singular; commitment
Plural; commitments
commitment (plural commitments)
1. The act or an instance of committing, putting in charge, keeping, or trust, especially:

• The act of sending a legislative bill to committee for review
  
• Official consignment sending a person to prison or a mental health institution

2. Promise or agreement to do something in the future, especially:

• Assuming a financial obligation at a future date
  

3. Being bound emotionally/intellectually to a course of action or to another person/other persons.
4. Perpetration, in a negative manner, as in a crime or mistake.
5. State of being pledged or engaged.
6. The trait of sincerity and focused purpose.
7. The act of being locked away, such as in an institution for the mentally ill or jail.

I think it's that, that word up there, 'commitment'. I spend a long time with one? person I start to pick at their flaws, allt he annoying little things they do, subconsiously. I don't need that. That feeling like crap because you've started to hate the one thing you love.

This 'love' thing, over rated. But the aftermath of it all sure does make good writing.

I Know For Sure.

I may have been drunk last night but I know for sure that I was speaking my mind and I meant what I said.

Last night I went to sleep with a big cheesey grin. You know how myspace quiz's always say "did you go to sleep smiling?", I'm always a bit confused about that question... But now I can say that I have. If Charlotte had looked at me she probably have thought I'd been eaten by the Cheshire Cat. I was just so, so happy! It'd been a generally good day, I had fun and seen plently of people. It would have been just as good if I hadn't seen anyone because I knew I was going to spend the day with Charlotte.

I love Charlotte with all my heart. She's the only friend that's been able to put up with me, the only friend I've been able to keep for years without falling out with. The only friend that knows what I'm thinking abd has the balls to tell me. The only person that knows what's good for me and can tell me without being too scared of hurting my feelings. Charlotte is the only person in the world I think I could die for. Charlotte is the only person I can be truely honest with. I can speak to her about whatever is on my mind without worrying about how crazy I sound. She's the only person that knows that I don't need to be understood. She's the only person for me.

Charlotte's the only person that I've been really worried about losing. She wont be leaving for another good few months but I realised this a few weeks ago and I've been freaking out ever since. Me without Charlotte? That's unthinkable. No more Big Tits and Blondie? There are so many things we still need to do together. Anyone else I've lost, I haven't lost forever but it's still not the same. I don't want to settle for "not the same" between us. I will not settle for any less than "bebo number one top friend best friends sleepovers included".

When I'm older and I have a friend that I go to coffee with, she'll say to me how great we are together and that we're best friends, and you know what I'll say? I'll tell her all about my best friend Charlotte and how no one, not even her, will be half as good to me as she was.

Charlotte's my Big Sister, even though she's younger than me I feel like she's always looking out for me like a sister would. She's a mum to me in the way that she makes sure I'm okay and when I'm feeling confused she sorts out all my head mess. She's a friend to me in the way that I know she's always there, just a call away.

Charlotte, I love you one more that you could ever imagine even if you were on drugs. More that words. I'll always look back on us and be happy, but I can look ahead and be happier because we've got a whole life time to be utterly fabulous.

"NutCase".

A few days ago I was in Helensbrugh Central listening to some radio. I ended up sitting beside a woman in a raincoat. I took out my headphones because I thought she had asked me what time it was or when the next train is. She hadn't asked me anything at all, she had been having a little natter with herself.

I was sitting on the 5.40 train home from Helensburgh Central on the way home, I'd been at Gabbys'. I went onto the last carradge so I wouldn't have to buy a ticket. You can hardly blame me, £1something for a 3 minute journey. Rediculous. On the last carradge were two men. I'm guessing one of them had a mental dissorder... seeing as he was screaming all the way. I don't mean just shouting at the other guy or anything, he was screaming at the top of his lungs. He kept shouting random words and just screaming. He wouldn't stop. Almost everyone on the train was a bit freaked out.

Made me think; what on earth were going through their heads?
Woman talking to herself, someone in her head must have been talking back. I wonder what they were talking about. Was it a nice person talking back to her? What if it wasn't... and he/she was abusing her.
What was going on in that mans head? What was he seeing or hearing? Why was he screaming so much? It must have been something really scary. I don't like the idea of him seeing things no one else can.

I Can't Understand.

I will always be a boys best friend. It was what I wanted, to be 'one of the boys'. I didn't want them to think they had to be gentlemanly around me.

I was never going to be anything more. You led me to believe that everything would be perfect. When presented with the option of Girl A and Girl B, you chose A because I now realise; I Will Always Be Second Best. Being second to her isn't bad at all. She is a wonderful girl and absolutely beautiful. But that will always be the case, there will always be another girl.

I am the girl that wants to give you advice on your new girlfriend and help you through the relationship, but please don't treat me like you can walk all over me.

Pointless post.

Ha ha ha.

The Picture seems apropriate right now. I think today proves that when a man makes a mistake every woman that knows about it will turn on him.

"Revenge is a dish best served cold." I've never wanted something more than this. You have reached a new level of low. To lead on so many people and get away with it... I can't help but think you are an evil genius!

You are getting all you deserve, but this will last forever. Every woman you meet will be told what you're like. I can pre warn them. You will never be happy again for the rest of your life, as long as I'm around.

What you did, I don't care. The fact that you thought you could lead me on nd get away with it... Well, now, you know me so well, you should have known that I will never let you live this down. You will never be trusted by another girl for eternity!

I really thought you meant it, this time. Why did I hall for it? Why did any of us fall for it?
Because you knew we would and you used that power. You evil genius.

A Beautiful Mess.

And then it happened. I'm not too sure if I wanted it to go this way, to be honest. This is so much messier than I expected. I didn't think I'd play a big part in it either. I'm starting to question if it was all really worth it? Is he worth it?

I started writing an appology to her last night, not that I'm ever going to give it to her, explaining that I didn't mean for it to end this way. I didn't, honestly. I know I've said really sour things before but I think that was just the way he was making me. I became something new and ugly. Really just an embarrassment, now that I think about it. I was acting really petty.

As much as he means to me, I feel worse for her than him. I am a woman, I nkow how she feels. I should really have told her before, seeing as she did ask me if he had cheated and I lied to her... but she understands it wasn't my place to say.

I hope he understands this wasn't all my fault. I'm not pointing the finger or anything, but it's definetly not in my direction, wherever it goes. I was just a constant in this, I could have been anyone. It was bound to happen by some point, right? I don't understand why he's being so upset and sad... He brought this upon himself.

I don't know what to do.

Say You Were Me.

"Does that scare you? Ill let you run away
But your heart will not oblige you
Youll remember me like a melody
Yeah, Ill haunt the world inside you
And my big secret - gonna win you over
Slow like honey, heavy with mood"

It is all your fault. I hate acting like this vindictive little bitch, but you make me like this! I am not usually a jelous person but just remembering about you... it drives me up the wall. It shouldn't matter really, you've already won this battle, technically. You have what we're fighting for and you'll be keeping him close. You may have him with you, but I have his heart. I know what he's like, I know him inside out, I know everything. You... you've got nothing on me.

You're just a replacement. A temporary me. So be it, a skinnier, prettier, girlier version of me. But you know what I have? I have personality, I'm origional, I'm one of a kind! And he knows that, he sees that in me, he get's my quirkiness and deals with my swings. You are just another number. Another indie new rave whatever the fuck you want to be called kind of girls, with your stupid music and your hair. You're the opposite to me in so many ways but I guess that makes you better. Better in what ways? You're sane. Mentally stable. Not so obsessive. I am that crazy fuck that was left behind and still chasing. I am the other girl. I am nothing now.

It's this power, it's your fault. You've fueled me up, winding me up. Turning me into this thing. This thing filled with hate and taking it out on you. It's not your fault at all, but at the same time, it is! You've not done anything wrong, it's just your exsistance as a whole just angers me.

But to you, I am the enemy. I am the other girl. I am the competition. I am the winner, or atleast I am winning. I've got so much you haven't. I'm forbidden fruit, he knows he can't have me and I know it wont happen and that's what makes him want more. You, you don't have that. There's nothing forbidden about you. He can get a piece of you whenever he wants. I'm the one he really wants though. I know it, I can tell. Everything about the relationship we have just... I know it.

You're better for him than me. I want you to look after him. But I warn you, I will get him.

Gonna Use My Imagination.

"cause I gonna make you see

Theres nobody else here

No one like me

Im special, so special

I gotta have some of your attention

Give it to me!"

So, the man of my dreas didn't come back to me. He's obviously just another typical man! I'll always be settling for second best, these days. This sounds like a horrible start to a blog, doesn't it? So let's explain. The new man, he's eeeexactly what I want but as per usual; it's too good to be true. He has a girlfriend and he has done for about 8 months now. How upsetting is that?! I will try my best to make him realise that I am Gods gift!

It wont work, obviously. I dn't think boyfriends are for me anyway. I only ever treat them badly. I think the reason I dumped alot of my boyfriends was only because I felt that they deserved better. Alot of the time I was right too. Someone that makes an effort to see you and you're not putting in any effort at all? They definetly deserve someone better.

I like being the Ex Girlfriend, there's something about that title that threatens all new girlfriends and makes me feel superior! And she, the New Girlfriend, will get worried and start thinking he will dump her. Obviously, I am not a boyfriend stealer, but having that power... excellent. I like being the Ex Girlfriend because the New Girlfriend can talk to me about him. I don't have to be close to her but she always knows that she can speak to me in confidence. 'Cause who would know better than someone that has been there and done him? I mean, that.

I don't find other Ex Girlfriends intimidating. They probably have the same ideas as I do, to frighten off any new girls... but alot of the time they just look pathetic. Maybe that's how I look? I am friends with each and every signle one of my ex boyfriends. I'm better friends with them since going out with them. I tried to explain that to my Mum last night, while watching the comotion with the boy and the girl on Big Brother being accused of having feelings for each other when really they're just good friends. My Mum can't quite get her head around it, I don't see why not though. For two people to have had a relationship like that and make it through all the bad times can only make them stornger, make their relationship stronger.

This blog is slowly developing into something beautiful. I never intended to change the subject but alas... such is life!
I'm getting new hair tomorrow, I will put up pictures as soon as.

The Man Of My Dreams.

I mean that in literal terms, by the way, he was a man and he was in my dreams and by gum was he dreamy! Oh, I can't really remember him that well... who ever he was. But he was tall abd had short blonde hair and lived in a flat somewhere far away. And we were madly in love. We were in a car coming back somewhere too, and we ended up in helensburgh just along from the old school and I had to leave... and I got rather upset.



Is that not funny? A man i have never met, a man who's name I don't even know, I miss? I miss a man that I don't know. I can't even remember what he sounded like, I can't remember his face. I can't even remember what he was wearing. Maybe I'll get lucky and he will come back, he will visit in my dreams and we'll go on day trips and to the cinema in my head. Maybe we'll move in together, in my head, and get a dog and a car and I'll be famous, in my head.



He was nice, I think. He wasn't annoyingly nice, wasn't too controlling. From what time we spent together he seemed like a wonderful guy. Do you think he's real? I wonder. Maybe this is how de ja vu works, and I'll meet this guy in a flat and we won't have to live it all out in my head.
But that's imposible.
I wouldn't half mind finding him again and asking him who he is. Next time he pops into my head, I'm going to ask him. That's if I don't forget and he decides that today we're going to have a pic-nic or a candle lit dinner or... You get the picture.

He was the perfect guy and from now on I won't be able to be with anyone without compairing them to this imaginary man that most likely doesn't exsist. And all the boys in the world will think; "well, she's a nutter, ain't she?".

Seriously, What Is The Point?

"you're a sight for sore eyes!"

Orange flavoured jelly is better than strawberry. The strawberry is slightly sickly and it's difficult to get through a whole tub (even though the tubs are tiny!), but the orange is nice and light and zingy! I could easily have more.

There was a point to this... Ah, yes; you can't just do that! People, please, you can't just chose to be angry at me because I haven't shown up for a couple days of school. Maybe you have my best interests in mind but my God! There's no need to make your point by being off with me and deliberatly trying to make me feel aweful. You trying to make me guilty will only make me want to do the oposite, you should know that by now.

Why, Chris, are you doing this? Why, Sarah, are you doing this? Why, the lot of you, are you doing this?! I don't know if you're trying to have some sort of joke, maybe you are, but it's not even funny. Do not see my point of view? I don't know what to do right now and neither would you in my position. The one thing I can do is hide from it all and that's what I'm doing.

You's do not make things any easier. What kind of idea did you have? What kind of friend are you trying to be? I would never try to make you's lot feel like crap the way you's are. Seriosuly, cut the crap please? Cause I'm not putting up with it for much longer.

It's Better; To Think Of Others.

"there's something about the way you do the things you do

and when you do the things you do it's got me oh, oh

don't need no Maybelline 'cause you a beauty queen

don't need to L'oriel 'cause bitch yo' bad as hell

if I'm Casinova, then you're a supernova

girl, that's what you do to me,

you've got me saying 'damn girl, you're so fine.' "

See, I think I'd be better off as a lesbian. Don't you? I'm sure that, if i tried, I could attract more women that men to myself. I'm sure a female companion would last longer and it'd be well sexy! I'm such a man when it comes to relationships, which is a pitty really. I like to hold and not to be held (which isn't right because I'm always the shorter one), I prefer to do things for other people instead of them looking after me and tending to my every need, I need a penis... not a vagina! I think the first person I would hit on is Cleggie (bet she reads this and gets freaked out!), I don't mean that in a way that I am right now romantically interested in her... just that I have a sort of obsession with her where I think that absolutely everything she does is amazing and she should get a promotion to God.

It's weird how often I think about this, really. I'm sure the average woman doesn't think about this as much as I do. Do men think about this too? What things would be like if they find a partner of the of the same sex? Hmmm. I'm going to ask my male friends tomorrow and get back to you with that!

You know how I accuse my male friends of having "man crushes" on the other guys? Why does no one accuse the girls of fancying each other? What would you call that... "woman crush"? This is my first piece of writing of 09 and I feel it's a disapointment. I will shortly publish a post on the new year, I think. This is just another blog full of sentences put together with very little thought... I wish they would let me do this for a living.

Listen to Award Tour by A Tribe Called Quest.

It's Better; To Be Just Another Number.

Oh My God.

I hate you all! All girls, I can't help but hate most of you and I do feel terribley aweful about it. I don't understand why you do the things you do. There are very few of my gender that I can get along with now and I hate that.

Why have you all turned into these indie little things? All in your hats and silly coats, looking like you're spending the day in Top Shop. You multi-produced girls that can't generate a personality because you don't have the time. Too busy styling your hair to make it look natural...

Extra short post.

It's Better; To Think Ahead.

"She don't love me like you
she don't know what you do
and it's so hard."

Do you ever hear songs and think "man, I wish he/she would say that to me". I don't wish he'd say that, but if he said anything at all it'd be an improvement. I often do this with songs, pick out lines I like and list them on my myspace bulletins. It's like a secret little puzzle I'm sending out to everyone to see if they can figure it all out and present it to me. I'd love it if someone did aswell, presented my thought to me in an order than explained everything, so then I could know and shake the hand of the person that did it for me.

I was going to do this blog on my holiday blog but I thought I may as well just put it here.

I was in my Wee Granny Camerons house yesterday, christmas obviously, you can't not go see you're relatives on a day like the 25th! Every year we open our presents, get ready and head up to each house, first the Granny McLaren (Big Granny), then the Granny Camerons (Wee Granny). I watched my Wee Granny and Grandad and wondered, will I be the same when I'm that old? Will I have lots of children and grandchildren or will I only have a couple of children and a few grandchildren? Will I live in a small little council house in a dangerous part of town or will I have a big house that I will only use two out or a bazillion rooms and have to hire a cleaner to dust every room? Will I live with someone I've been married to (god, me, married?) for the majority of my life or will I live alone? Maybe I'll live with a friend for the company or I'll me re-married a thousand times and live with the current husband!

Whatever I do end up like, I just hope I'm as happy as either of my grandparents!
My Big Granny and Granda like to go on holiday as often as they can, they often have the family around at christmas and like to buy presents for the younger grandchildren, they like to keep in touch and phone their children and all that jazz, I'd like to be like them because I hope I'm that active and lively when I reach that age.

The Camerons don't go out alot, but that's because my Wee Granny is awefully ill. They stay in and watch telly alot, and the children and grandchildren come in and visit them whenever they're free. I see myself being like my Wee Granny when I'm older because I'm most likely going to become rather ill with the lifestyle I live. Not that I'd dislike that kind of like at that age, it's what would be best for me. I'll loose my marbles and need someone to look after me!

I just want there to be someone, but not anyone, to look after me.

It's Better; She Doesn't Know About Me.

I hate the way she speaks to me. She talks to me as if we've been friends for ages.
" i love u so much laura <<<< im not ur guy buddy lol<<<lol, i ent tlked to u in ages, how are u?, jake told me bout th od thing, hope ur ok"
Erm... we've spoken about two, three times before? It's like he's trying to politely rub her in my face. Or is she trying to politely rub it in that she has him? I don't want to talk to either of you! He's already fallen out with me, so why is she actually being nice to me?

I know he talks about me to her, she ever so slightly mentions things like "jake said you weren't feeling well" or something like that. I'm not comfortable with the thought of him talking about me to 'laura'. I don't talk about him to anyone, when I do it's usually just a "jake said hi the other day" seeing as he doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

It's like the video for Cool by Gwen Stefani, except that I'm an angry man hating crazy killer axe lady.

I hate that she's so nice and lovely and pretty, it means I have no reason to hate her. She's actually taking an interest in me and my life. But why? Why is she hacking into her boyfriends msn account and asking me about me overdose and my christmas? I wonder if she knows that I used to imagine what would have happened what life would be like if i killed him? Haha. She shouldn't know that.

It's Better; For Me To Take The Advice That I Give.

"I have told all of my ememies very politely to go home."

I am lucky to have some of the worlds best friends.

It's Better; To Be Broken That To Break.

"if you need a shoulder; mine is here

and i love you

and no one can tell you what to do

roses and diamonds can never take the place

of your face.

I hope you never hesitate to wonder why."

I don't want anyone to know what happens in my head. "We'll try not to say goodbye". I could imagine that one day I'll be sent off to one of those head doctors. I'll get to lie on a big comfy chair and he/she'll ask me to talk away about my childhood or something, and obviously I'd tell them all about what I think. Then he/she'd tell me that they're going to give me some pills or that I need to go to a special place or some shit like that. ¬_¬

I actually got scared at the thought of that. Slightly embarrassed at the idea of someone knowing how my mind works. You'd all realise I'm a lunatic! That I shouldn't be allowed outside. You'd all find out what a nutter I am. Cause "i'm a fucking weirdo."

I hope you all read this in ten years time and go "shit, heather was actually being serious then", cause I know you all think I'm just doing it for the attention and the thrills.
Ah, if only you knew.

Lesbo; it's a girl thing.

And to the left you will see what the next best version of "what the hell" looks like. She comes equipt with confusion and the common cold.

"Tell me this is not for real, please tell me this is not for real."

I've been thinking for the past day, not really that long; just last night, that maybe I should try girls for a change. Thoughts? As daft as it may seem, I think it's perfectly reasonable. I hate men. I hate them with a passion, i despise them. They're horrible and I'll avoid relationships with them for as long as I can.

Maybe not full on lesbianism, if that's what you call it. I want to find someone that understands me, be it a man or a woman. Just a person that understands me, knows what I'm on about. No one quite understands what's going on in and out of my head and I want them to. I want a person. I don't like boys and I don't like girls. I have no preferance, but it's so much easier to say "I'm straight" rather than explain my insanity. I want to find someone that's good for me.

I'm only young aswell. I wish things would be a bit less confusing and more clear to me. I'm sure that no one else gets this way. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm constantly taking out my frustration on people and they don't know what I'm on about. I think maybe I should spend less time shouting and more time explaining. I just don't want you all to know what a freak I am, cause I know what you'd think if I explained my way of thinking to you.

I want to be a boy. With a big man penis! And no vagina, all man.
Men don't have to deal with their monthly cycle. Men don't have to deal with getting emotional all the time for no specific reason. And men get to go out with all the girls. Men don't have to fuss to much about what they wear or how they look, they just chose to. Mens clothes are comfier.

"i've been the needle and the thread, weaving figure eights and circles around your head, i try to laugh but cry instead, patiently wait to hear the words you've never said. fumbling through your dresser drawer, forgot what i was looking for, try to quide me in the right direction. making use of all this time, keeping everything inside, close my eyes and listen to you crying."

I'm such a miserable wreck these days. Maybe it's because it's near christmas, maybe it's because I can't do anything seriously. Can you tell I'm in that frame of mind? I wish things would make themself clear. If if I had that someone to understand me, that someone I mentioned I'd like, they could help me. Maybe I just need help?

Maybe I'm to proud to go looking for help though.

Women; diet and dye-it.

Pah! I can't stand them. I'm upset that I'm one myself.

"give in or just give up."

I was in english and we have to do a persuasive peice of writing. These things are starting to come easily for me, lucky me, I can think up an essay within the lesson. We were asked to come up with a few ideas for our arguementative/persuasive essay, one of them was "size zero" and other ones were along the lines of that, media stress and all those things. Now, ofcourse, everyone thinks that it is the media's fault for women having low self esteems and feeling that they have to live up to the expectations of what they see in magazines... Blah blah, you know the story, you've heard Gok Wan tell them how it is.

Think about it though, the media are only doing what they're being paid to do, you can hardly blame them! Women shouldn't be so bloody insecure about themselves, they shouldn't let stupid fucks on the tv tell them how to look. They shouldn't be going on stupid diets that the famous people are on. They're famous for fucking over their bodies. Women are only vistims to this pressure because they're letting themselves be.

I'm only buying all there hair and face products because they make me feel good. Not because I feel bad about myself and want to look as good at the girls in the magazines; it's imposible. They're unhealthily skinny.

I hate women, you should all learn from men.

Scream.

"With such confusion don't it make you wanna scream
Your bash abusin' victimize within the scheme
You find your pleasure scandalizin' every lie
Oh father, please have mercy ?cause I just can?t take it
Stop pressurin? me
Just stop pressurin' me
Stop pressurin' me
Make me wanna scream"

Do we see ourselves differently? Rather than from everyone elses perspective? It confuses me, makes me angry too!

Today I was sitting with Martin and Courtney, talking about the Christmas Dance; a ritual of which I will not be joining in. Bless them though, trying to encourage us to take part in school activities, I apreciate the thought. Courtney, in reply to me saying that I don't have a dress, said that she would lend me one of hers. I almost laughed. Not that I don't like Courtneys dresses, I've never seen them! Just the idea of me fitting into a Courtney sized dress amused me. She may be small, but she's not that much smaller than me.It'd be a tight squeeze, that's all.

I am not unhappy with my weight, it's nothing noticable. So I have a rediculously large posterior and love handles, so what? I don't mind and I'm sure most people don't. But everyone does this weird thing where they think that you are skinnier than you actually are, they must see you differently to the way you see yourself? Boggles my mind!

I know my body better than anyone else. I'm the only person that's seen my body properly. I know all of my flaws. I know what size of trouser I am and what size of top. I know that your clothes will not fit my thunder theighs and Jamie Sized Butt.

Pain.

"Don't you just hate toothache?

The last time I had it, my tooth got pulled out... I'm not going to the dentist this time! And that reminds me, how crap is ibuprofen? I've had atleast 7 today already and not one of them has worked. See eating? Pain in the arse. I can't get another tooth out, I'm not even sure what tooth it is that hurts, it's just the left side of my mouth in general...

That's me just poped my 7th of 8th ibuprofen. I'd be worried about an overdose if I felt that they were actually working but they're blatantly not. Trying to fool me with their pills that look like tic tacs and taste like tic tacs."

I wrote this on Monday night, the next day I was throwing up.

Take it from me, don't try to over dose, count your pills, and only buy expensive painkillers.

Haha. A Pointless Ramble.

I was just blog reading, looked at a few blogs by some people that liked the band Pasion Pit because I somehow ended up on their pages. One blog said;

"Somewhere in the process of becoming a real person, one must realize that if she does not love herself, then she will not love anything, and will not be able to feel the love that others have for her."

I hear that kind of thing all the time! "You can't love anyone else if you do not love yourself", "if you don't love yourself, who will?" and all the rest of it. What a load of rubbish, honestly, how does that work?

I am the vainest person I know. I love myself more than anyone else in the world. I'm the only person in the world that I truely love, so really these silly theories don't work, do they?

In my opinion, I think it's the complete opposite. You need to not love yourself to love others, more love to give then, surely. If you love yourself, how could you possibly make room for anyone else? You're far too good for anyone and you don't need them. You're brilliant.

What is it about you boys? I wish you just knew what you want, that way I could know exactly what I can get. I hate it what you's lot do to me, make me all shakey and excited over nothing, it only ever hurts when I come back to realityyy.

That's Life.

That's what all the people say. Flying high in April, shot down in May.

Oh my goodness, there's got to be more to life that this. Right now all that there is is... coffee. It just seems like such a waste of time. I'm not going to end up doing anything that I've planned, I never do. Nothing ever goes to the plans I've set, really. It's all a big joke really;

"We got to that age when you discover what an appaling hoax life has been. Just a bad joke, we both agreed. End-of-the-pier-stuff. You're born, you fall in love, you suffer and then you die" - from Murder Most Fab

End of the pier stuff. I was talking to Hopper about it today actually, there were kids down staris in the Library and I was saying that they're so so cute. I don't want to have children, ever. I say it all the time. But they're just so cute and wonderful and lovely, how can you not have one? That's something I'll be missing out on if I don't get knocked up; joys of bringing up someone that is yours. I don't want to get married either, that I can live with though. But I'd like to have a wedding, that's something I really want to do; wear a big white dress and make someone really happy (assuming they;d be happy with me!). But alas, I'm letting, making myself miss out on something fantastic.

"this love foolosophy is killing previous illusions I had in my mind about you."

Life is a bit of a hoax really, if you think about it. The most depressing though I have ever had was that we go to school, primary, secondary and then further education and all for one reason; money. To get a job and earn money. How sad is that? All just for money. Really got me thinking and I didn't like that (another blonde trait that I have). Isn't a nice thought, makes me feel as if life is a waste, more so than I previously thought.

As much as I love to 'live life to the full', making my to do list and all that, this rubbish just makes me feel that there's so so much to bring us down. Responsibility being a big one, one that I'm just not going to be able to keep a grip of. Oh, life after school is going to be such a let down! As I said before, nothing will go to plan because as I've stated everywhere on every social networking page I have; I want too much.

Blonde.

"If you want my body and you think I'm sexy, come on sugar, let me know."

Being blonde is hard work. I hate being what people expect me to be, but I'm expected to be ditsy and dumb and all of the rest of it. Alot of the time I am all of these things, I fail exams and I have no common sense. I forget things alot and I think out loud. I speak before I think most of the time and I look silly almost all of the time. I hate that.

That's why I'd love to be the one on the train that's reading a book, a big book with lots of long fancy words and be able to understand them. Or go for coffee with a newspaper of a briefcase. I'd like to be a tall blonde that wears glasses and shirts, even when she's just kicking about the house.

But that's so not me, and I'd not like to think I was trying to be something I'm not, so let's keep to the normal Heather. But sometimes I can't help but try and prove you all wrong, it's a natural habit for me really. I don't think that I'm anything that you would expect though, probably trying to hard, but I'm always changing and moving forward with whatever's going on around me.

I was born blonde ans I'll always be blonde.

Delirious.

This is an official apology to anyone that I have flipped at the past month or two. So pretty much Bogle and you lot, sorry!

I've been getting really edgy whenever people touch me and hug me and that, and I'm honest-to-god really sorry but I can't stand it when you all crowd around me to see what's wrong when I'm perfectly fine and capable of looking after myself. I hate feeling like that, people touching me and being really close and surounding me, it really makes me feel kind of ill! I'll let you know if i need a wee cuddle or anything, I wont need one for a long time, life is fine right now, I'm in the midst of writing my to do list for life.
Wanna hear some of it?

• Get more metal; me and Hopper are going to have an epic time with this list, me and Him are going on a journey of metal and my next addition to the list.
• Ink; me and Hopper are going to get scribbled on, him more so that me... I'm only in it for the banter!
• Bungee jumping; alot of people want to do this one with me so I'd like to make it a group activity, bagsy not going first!
• Sky diving; something for the whole family! I'd really like to get my family involved in actually, I know my Mum would never agree to it (because she hates heights) but it'd be a good experience for us.
• Mud wrestling; not with a bunch of naked women, even though Jamie says that's how everyone has to do it. This is something for me and Chris, both of us in bikini's obviously!
• Art; silly things like those classes you can go to, those classes. I'd like to go to one of those ones with the naked people and everyone staring at them, aaaand I'd like to go make some pottery with those spining table things and the water.
• Gigs; I want to follow a band for a while, probably the Foo's knowing me. I need to see Jamiroquai obviously, and The Mighty Boosh for a few years running. I'd kill to see David Guetta also.
• Party; I'll move into my own place eventually (just me, no one will be able to put up with me!) and I will throw the best parties with the best people because I am destined for...
• Fame; I want to be famous. Simple, for being me.
• Portugal and Teneriffe; two seperate holidays for me and the boys and friends. To go para-gliding again and go other fun things like climb some stuff.
• Exersize*spelling; climb those big wall things and join a gym and eat healthily and do silly things like diet and all that rubbish.

These will not get done, but it's nice to dream, isn't it?

Get Your Vote On!

The sheets have been handed out for the Yearbook Awards, "the who's who of the what's what...", the categories are;

• Cutest Couple
• Couple That Should Have Been
• Most Unlikely Couple
• Double Trouble
• Best Looking Boy/Girl
• Best Bum (girl and boy)
• Funniest Boy/Girl
• Pimp
• Pimpette
• Mr & Ms Popular
• They Are Just Too Smart
• Drama Queen
• Teachers Pet
• Teacher Of The Year
• He & She Has A NICE Body!
• Musician Of The Year
• Sports Personality Of The Year
• Bad Boi & Gurll
• Unluckiest Person
• Shameless
• Hero!

There's one award I have left out, this award belongs to me! It is, ofcourse, "I Love Me Award".
I'm using this blog to explain to everyone I know why I should get this award. There's only one reason; I am in love with myself! I take many a picture of myself because I am just that vain. On my old bebo pfofile I had & albums of pictures of just me, that's like 300 and something pictures of myself on bebo alone, imagine the amount that just sits on my computer.

Vote for me, because I am really happy with myself :).

Shortest Blog.

"Somebody said all the worlds is stage,

And each of us is a player.

That’s what I’ve been tryin to tell you.

In Act 1 I was struggling to survive.

Nobody wanted my action dead or alive.

Act 2, I hit the big time.

And bodies be all up on my behind.

And I can’t help myself because I was born to shine.

And if you don’t like it, you can shove it.

But you don’t like it, you love it.

So I’ll be up here in a rage,

’Til they bring the curtain down on the stage."

I just think these lyrics are important to me, they say alot to me really. Only because I believe the exact same as they thought. I wish fame would hurry up and find me. I wish I could hurry up and audition for Big Brother and get in. I wish for too much and I need to be more realistic and think about what I'm really going to do with my life.