Neon Ballroom.

Take me to new places. Take me far away from here to somehwere warmer. Take me to a place where they don't buy gloves. Take me to somewhere old and familiar. Take me to the beaches where the sand is so hot it makes you run to the shore. Take me to where the women bathe on towels and the men are on their surf board, trying to attract the women. Take me to where the buildings are white and the roads are cobbled. Take me to the quaint coffee houses. Take me to the air conditioned rooms and cold, hard tiled floors. Take me to the open plan kitchens and dinning rooms. Take me back.

Show me new places. Show me far away from here. Show me sky scrapers and mirrored buildings. Show me busy streets and busier pathways. Show me billboards as tall as buildings. Show me 'malls' and 'trash cans'. Show me something completely new and different. Show me the black tangled hearts. Show me places that are the opposite of what I'm used to. Show me how it could be.

Push me out of my comfort zone. Push me into unknown territory. Push me to make me change my lifestyle.

Want me to move on and out. Want me to adapt to my new life. Want me to try new and wonderful things. Want me to fall in love, get married and have children. Want me to settle down and be content. Want me to get a steady job that I'll mildly enjoy.

Take me somewhere old and familiar.
Show me how it could be.
Push my to make me change my lifestyle.
Want me to try new and wonderful things.
Take me to The Neon Ballroom.

Sunday.

I used to love sundays. I used to spend them eating the equivelant of my own body mass in crisps and juice and chocolate. I still do that but it's not the same. I watch movies and wallow in self pity because I'm incapable of holding a relationship for any longer that a couple of days. What's wrong with me? I hate sundays.

I just watched Juno, that didn't help. I cried at the end. I don't ever cry at other peoples misfortune! I'm eating chocolate because I'm sad and I'm sad because I'm eating chocolate. The Moldy Peaches aren't helping today, either. I'm shortly scheduled to watch Eternal Sunshine and be confused at how two people can deal with each other even though there are so many faults in each of them. Maybe I should stop watching movies on sundays... It could be worse, I could shove on The Notebook.

I just saw a picture of two people, they've been going out forever. Why can't I do that? Why is there no one I'm crazy about? What the hell is stopping me from being like everyone else? Maybe I've just not met the person yet, but what if I never do? For all I know, this could be it. It might just be me, myself and I for the rest of time. For all I know, it might just be me and an alternating man every month 'cause I can't seem to stay interested.

My friend told me ages ago, the problem is that I've just not found anyone interesting yet. I'm sure that's not how it works though. Apparently, I'm interesting so I'm meant to find someone of equal interestingness? I'm not interesting, I'm complicated. I don't want someone of equal complication... I've got my own baggage, I don't need anyone elses.

I can't seem to be comfortable around other people either. My friend and I were talking about it yesterday. Some people just jump straight into the physical contact thing as soon as they start dating, some people never have. i can't do it and I don't think I will be able to for a long time... and this is probably what's stopping me from falling head over heals in love with anyone.

"I'm just ass in the crack of humanity. I'm just a huge manitee."

This has been the most negative thing I've ever typed, I'm going to go wallow in my own self pity for a bit longer, then maybe try and squeeze out some tears. Who knows, I might find someone to agrue with and actually be able to have something to moan about. I hate everything. Kill me.

Thundercats Ho.

Here are some words that I enjoyed listening to.

Just because I don't say anything, doesn't mean I don't like you. I open my mouth and I try and i try but no words came out. Without 40 oz. of social skills, I'm just an ass in the crack of humanity. I'm just a huge manitee. A huge manitee. And besides, you're probably holding hands with some skinny, pretty girl that likes to talk about bands... and all I wanna do is ride bikes with you and stay up late and watch cartoons. Duck Tales, shirt tails, Talespin, Sailor Moon, GI Joe, Robotech, Ron Jeremy, Schmoo. I wanna watch cartoons with you. Josie and the Pussycats and Scooby Do, I want you to watch cartoons with me. He-man, Voltron and Hong-Kong-Fui. I tried to ask you to your face but no words came out. I put on my hood and walked away, that doesn't mean I don't like you. And besides your probably holding hands with some skinny, pretty girl that likes to talk about bands... and all I wanna do is ride bikes with you, and stay up late and maybe spoon. Just becase I dont say anything doesn't mean I dont like you. No... I opened my mouth and I tried and I tried. And besides you're probably holding hands with some skiny, pretty girl that likes to talk about bands and all I wanna do is ride bikes with you and stay up late and watch cartoons. I'm just your average Thundercats ho.

They're not the best singers, Moldy Peaches, but they're lyrical genius's. They're a band that can sing and, at the same time, let me know that I'm not the only one that feels the way I do. Bands like them are the little parts that stop me believing I'm completely alone with my feelings.

I hate feeling like that sometimes, but I drive myself into these situations.

Listen to some The Moldy Peaches – County Fair ... that song is really quite good.

We Could Fall Apart.

I have names listed on my bebo, I felt the need to take the time to explain them all...

●Heather✿　

Just my name, so as not to confuse people.

●[[HeatherHETROwhore]]　

This developed from HeatherHETROsexual as i wanted everyone to know that I'm not actually a big lesbain.

●Delilah

My make believe name.

　

●CHALK&&cheese

Chalk is my half, Cheese is Charlotte, it was actually James that said "you guys are like chalk and cheese" and I fell in love with the idea.

　

●Toots.　

My Dad calls me toots! It makes me smile, he's always done it.

●HeV-R

Tim made up this one, to go with Tim-E and Sha-R and Rob-E.

　

●!Snotface!　

Quote from Drop Dead Fred, and Andrews little cousin covered me in streamers and called me Snotface.

●Hitcam(iderman)　

Arch nemesis of Sp-Iderman, aka, Sarah.

●Miss Cramen

Best story. On work experience one of the pupils, Chantelle or Carmen or something, drew me a picture and at the tp it read "MISS CRAMEN"... she couldn't spell too well.　

●Den　

At the picnic a year back, I refused to join in with the game of tig, so I was den!

●dude1　

Typo's ftw! Dude1 is me, Dude2 is Smiddy, I do believe.

●faGGot faCe　

Cassie calls me it all the time... Not sure why. It's cute though, she writes I ♥ Faggot Face on her hand sometimes.

●Hevlington　

When Tazz was visiting, a few years ago, he would call me it. Again, not too sure why...

●Pissy Pants　

Eurgh, I was in the Palace with Cassie and Charlotte. They were trying to put that cleaning gell on my face and somehow knocked over my coffee... it ended up all over my crotch! It looked like I had pee'd myself and I stank of coffee. Not a flattering look.

●Petal Bang//Tinker Bell　

My Dad and my Auntie Carol used to call me these when I was little. I hit a stage where I thought it wasn't cool and asked them to stop it. I wish I didn't, they're possibley the coolest names I could ask for, especially Petal Bang.

●-blemo- ¬_¬　

My first proper nickname, and the worst. It was because I was blonde and emo, which is probably the worst reason to get a nickname... but it stuck for almost over a year.

●"The Vag" by the boys

Boys and the vag! Great combination. Pretty much, it does what it says on the tin. I'm the one with a vagina.

　

●susan pepsi　

When I was with amature stoners, I managed to convince them that my name was Susan Pepsi... I don't think they were actually taking me seriously though.

●Lump.

"lump lingered last in line for brains, the ones she got were sotra rotten and insane", Dan was going to try and start calling me Lump but it never stuck. I like it though.

　

●AnnoyingInternetGirl　

by Dans brother, Rory. Does as it says, that's how he knows me.

●Lioness.　

By Spunky... 'Cause I look like a lion.

●CaptainSpelindid　

is a song by Kara's Flowers, better knows as Maroon 5 these days.

●boy GEORGE // bob MARLEY

Names I was called while I had my dreads in.

　

●Rapunzel, let your hair down.

My mum said this to me alot while I had my dreads in, I liked it. What she really meant though, was "take those silly things out of your hair". She hated them.　

●"Miss Mouthy".

I was tagged as Miss Mouthy on one of Lizzies pictures, apparently I'm mouthy... I've never thought so!

Well, there you go. I love the list of names, I love all of the names. It's a pitty that no one actually calls me any of them, other than my actual name, because I'd really like it if they did.

"I'm going back it time, shit".

I froze. I went back in time, back to when I was intimidated by her, she terrified me.

I used to think she was beautiful, she was the first girl I'd ever been able to see beauty in, rather than just prettiness. Her name was gorgeous too. All of the boys in our class liked her, she knew it and would use it against them, to her advantage. She'd always ask them if she could borrow their calculaters or rulers or go get her books for her... I envied her, I guess.

We became proper best friends in P7, I think. We went swimming some weekends and went to her house afterwards. She always asked me to stay the night but I always cancelled... not because I didn't like her, her house or her family though, I was at a weird age. I hated staying at my friends houses, I didn't like it at all, I was constantly making excuses.

Her house was brilliant, the first time and only time I stayed was in the first flat. Her and her mum lived there and it was only them. They eventually moved closer to town, the newer flat was much better and didn't seem so dinjy. Being only two women in the house, it was very stylish and was always smelling great. I never really did find out about her dad, I once asked and she told me that she didn't know him, I assume he left before she was born. I really liked her mum, she was really laid back and cool. She dressed really nicely, she was into the latest trends and listened to cool music. This was completely different to what I was used to, back then I always thought my mum was embarrassingly uncool, where as their whole lifestyle was the epitemy of cool. Her mum was so independant, living by herself, raised her child by herself, each time I saw her there was a new man on the scene. I'd always think "how cool?" but now I realise that's not normal. Her independance must have rubbed off on her daughter, or atleast that would explain how she was around the boys in class.

Like her mum, she was always wearing the best clothes. Once, I went shopping with her. We went to all of the shops she got her clothes from. That's when she introduced me to Tammy, the best shop ever. They had the coolest clothes there, baggies and t-shirts with cheesey sayings on them. She was always well dressed, she was the only girl I knew that was allowed to wear mini skirts to school. She had these killer heals aswell, massive big clompy unconventional things they were... I thought they were fabulous. I thought she was fabulous. She was so far ahead of our time.

She wouldn't let me keep my other friends, I had two other close friends that I'd had before me and her became closer. I didn't like that at all. But she scared me, I couldn't say no to her, at all, and she knew that. She was always slagging them off. She was not a nice person. I was a wimp. I constantly gave into her demands. She liked to eat my jaffa cakes, my other friends told me to stop her but I told them I didn't mind... these days, if someone goes near my jaffa cakes, I'll bite their hand off!

But I saw her today, I looked her straight in the eye, through the train window. She looked just the same, she had the same cold facial expression she used to. I was in mid conversation when I saw her. I looked her straight in the face and said "oh my god", which I'm almost sure she could lip read. It embarrassed me, I was not having thee most attractive day and I had a thumping headache, where as she looked great.

I hate it when the bad guys win.

Get A Grip.

"You want to be dressed in peotry but imagery doesn't fit, and you want resizing but darling dear get a grip." - Cute Is What We Aim For, Lyrical Lies.

It's so hard to be happy with your lot these days. It's so difficult because everyone else is flaunting their talents. I love Cute Is What We Aim For because they're so smart, lyrically. "You trained these lips and they were champs, and now they're itching for a comeback, so come back.". Shaant just has a way with words, he has his way with words. He knows exactly what to say. Not one song from 'The Same Old Blood Rush With A New Touch' album isn't fabulous. "I'm selfish as selfish comes, you're giving me a run for my money" and "shallow as a shower" and all of them... just so... wow. I wish I could do it too, I'd eat a dictionary if I thought it would help. "Drama doesn't follow me, it rides on my back. I may be ugly but they sure love to stare".

I'd love to be able to paint. That's a lie, I can paint. I just can't do it well. I'm afraid of paint, I can't just slap it on. But I'm always seeing painting in shop windows that are layered with the stuff. I love a bit of texture! Paint is wonderful, I wish I knew how to manipulate it without going too far.

God, I wish I could sing, too. I'd love a voice like William Beckett, he sounds so great. He's great with lyrics too but his voice... it's clear and just so there. Brian Molko, phwoar. I'd give absolutely anything to have something as unique as his voice. When he did those song with Timo Maas, they were eeeexcellent! I wish I could make music like Timo Maas, or play guitar like Newton Faulkner, be as blunt as Amanda Palmer.

I wish I was artistic.

Confidence.

I'm doing this for your enjoyment, I feel that my blogs are being bogged down with thinking and starting to become more negative that intended. Here's some light hearted writing and a song that will make you bop, plus my still negative thinking due to a headache that no happy music will help.

Martha Reeves & The Vandellas – Dancing In The Street - Single Version

Today, MSN has given me "Ten Ways To Boost Your Self-Confidence". I figured I must be a good candidate to judge weither these will work, seeing as my ego can fill the room and my head wont fit through the door. Here they are...

• Cultivate self-appreciation

Haha, sure, they're right with this one. They recommend writing a list of all the things that you aren't so shit at and carrying this list everywhere just to remind yourself that you aren't a complete failure. This does not stop you sucking at everything else you do though, does it?

• Write a list of past successes

So pretty much, write about times you have done well at the things you are good at. If you forget, don't fear! That stupid scrap of paper with what you're good at might help. Alas, if you're not good at anything then I doubt you have had many successes... therefor making step one and two impossible, making you even more self concious and/or depressed. Failing at making either of these lists could also be another failure of yours. Don't forget to put it in your list of "past failures", and you can write 'lists' in your list of "things i am not good at".

• Don't engage in negative dialogue

What it means is 'don't talk to Heather Cameron'. It mentions that if you speak negatively then people will think you are negative... but thats true! Just because you don't speak negatively, which everyone does anyway, doesn't neccessarily mean you are not a negative person. I also don't see how being negative makes you self concious... sure, if you're being negatives about yourself! But that doesn't mean you can't be like me and hate everything else in the world that isn't wither you or chocolate. This acts an ego boost for me!

• Support yourself and put yourself first

I think what they're going for with this one is along the same lines as the last one, "Be your own best friend. Don’t beat yourself up and call yourself names". Before, it was do 'not be negative about yourself', now they are telling you to be positive about yourself... I just assumed that's what they meant in the previous point. Putting yourself is fabulous and all but I have learnt that alot of people start to call you selfish after a while of acting like this. That starts to get you down... but if you've got an ego like me, I say go for it!

• Choose positive role models

Can't fault this one, which disapoints me highly as I find nothing more satisfying than proving stupid people wrong. Role models are only for people that don't know who they are yet, the minute they reach a point where they're happy with themselves, they'll drop all these 'role models' and start acting like the new person they've created instead of trying to be someone else. Basicly, you're not going to be happy with yourself unless you're acting like someone else... therefor not being yourself.

The next one, because of who I am and not just my ego, made me laugh out loud for a good whole 3 seconds.

• Accept compliments

"Being able to accept, believe and feel good about accepting compliments is crucial to cultivating a high self-confidence. The best way to accept compliments is to look the person in the face, smile and say thank you. This will in turn also make them feel good." If you know me at all of have read anything else I have written, you will know I actually get a bit angry when people give me compliments. Some people do get confident because of people complimenting them but I am not one of them. Thus showing I do not need other people to acknowledge the way I look for me to be confident, I'm happy with just me thinking I look nice. The last part is the bit that's gotten me riled up, "This will in turn make them feel good.", because I, me personally, am not here to make people feel better about themselves. I shouldn't just have to take a compliment or two because no one else is content with themselves. I am. Fuck you.

• Banish negative beliefs

Okay, I haven't got a clue what that one means. The only negative belief I have is that men are all evil and they don't deserve my time, but that cannot be disproved.

Sorry about the overload of horrible negativeness but I just switched my music player to Placebo and I think it's to blame.

• Adjust your body language

I find this almost impossible but maybe not everyone is like me. My body language changes depending on who I am with but I don't change it intentionally. Then again, I think your body language can change depending on your mood, but I am positive (haha! look at me positively thinking) that you can't change your mood by deciding on changing your body language, it's never worked that way for me.

• Use positive affirmations

More of your think positive advice, talk to yourself in the mirror and all that lark. Talking to yourself is something I do not promote, unless you live alone... And if you live alone, get someone to live with because being lonely will never go well!

• Redefine your self-image

"Think about and write up who you are now. Identify the bits you want to change and rewrite a definition of your self-image. Read this everyday for the next three weeks at least and be that person. Prepare for the changes you are going to make and the new you by throwing out your old clothes and thinking about how best to dress your new self. Then go shopping!"... 'then go shopping', as if that wasn't completely aimed at women. We're not the only ones that worry about the way we look! Basicly, this one emphasises my point that you apparently can't happily be yourself, if you aren't happy they suggest you change who you are and how you look. Maybe that works though, but I don't agree with it. Atleast with the ideas about writing lists of things you like about yourself you can focus on yourself, rather than compairing you rself to others.

My point is here somewhere. Don't go changing. Be the way you are. Don't listen to other people, to a certain extent! Be happy with your lot, there's only one you and you should be proud of that. Make do with what you've got, after all, turning a person into something fantastic is about as creative as it gets and if you can do it with yourself... now, that's impressive.

I Understand.

Everyone has their own weaknesses, yeah? I've heard people talking about it before. I know my friends weaknesses. Some of my male friends cave in to their female friends demands, some of my female friends just let people walk all over them, alot of my friends are unhappy with their body and weight... actually, I'd say they all are. My Dads only weakness is that he wants to do nice things for my Mum but she doesn't notice.

My Mum is the only person I see that doesn't have a weakness, she is all strong. I've never seen her at a vulnerable stage in her life, I've never seen her properly cry. Three people we know died recently and my Mums dad is having a hellish time, she is still holding up this house. She is one of the strongest women I know and that's where I get my 'independance' from.

There's one thing though that she wont see as a weakness but I do; her perspective. She's very wary of the way our family is viewed by other people. She always checkes what I'm wearing, she tells me off every day before I run out of the door, shouting back to her "It's my face! I don't care, you do!".

She's why I am so horrible to men, she's why I keep myself closed off and hide behind humor, she's why I am quick to judge anyone that's not my friend, she's why I blame everyone else for my wrongs. She's why I feel like I do most of the time.
"I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it's going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby and you've never met anyone
Who is as negative as I am sometimes"

She's also the reason I want to prove people wrong, she's why I act outrageously and dress just as peculiar, she's why I'm trying to break the mold, she's what is pushing me forward in the world. She's the reason I dislike myself, alot.
"I am the wisest woman you've ever met
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
Who's as positive as I am sometimes"

One of the qualities she has given me will end up my weakness and bring me down. But I don't care because the fall will be fabulous. "I've got one hand in my pocket and the other one is flicking a cigarette", I'm living for now, and changing for absolutely no one. I haven't got life figured out just yet, but it's going to be great.

I understand that people have their weaknesses but I dont understand why they let people see them. I'm so secretive about mine that I don't even know what it is. The minute everyone knows, they will use it against you.

You'll Never Feel The Heat Of This Soul.

"Life is my creation, it's my best friend, imagitnation is my defence."

Lots of things make me happy. Right now, I am happy. Lots of things are going to plan, that's something that keeps me happy, things being on schedule and as timed. The sun is everywhere! This fills me with loads of joy! I've got some Galaxy here, although it's not mine but I'm eating and replacing it (sorry Smiddy!), this makes me really happy. Happy music such as Fiona Apple – Extraordinary Machine keeps me feeling chipper, and all my summery beats. "Be kind to me or treat me mean, I'll make the most of it 'cause I'm an extraordinary machine!"

Things are good right now, I'm content. If every day was yesterday followed by today... I couldn't complain! The past few days have been wonderful... It's funny how the weather can change your whole outlook on life. Well, maybe not, maybe things are actually going as well as I think they are. But I'm sure it's just the sun that's making me so happy.

Tonight should be good, I like nights in.
This was a very pointless post.

This Never Ends.

Back at square one, with a sort of 'will they? wont they?' horrible feeling between us. I can't ruin it again, I must be lucky that I've managed to smooth things out between us for the third time.

I'm just lucky you talk to me at all, I've watched you avoid women in Glasgow that you don't want to talk to but they want to talk to you... I'm hoping that's not the way you feel about me. I always get a horrible feeling in my stomach that that's why I hardly ever hear from you. You have a tendancy to be an idiot, alot, towards girls. You have this cocky attitude that gives off a vibe of "I don't see you as a person, merely an object in my eyes" and everyone can see that you think that way. I don't mind though because that's what this stupid feeling makes me do.

I don't want to ramble on again about 'how it was' and how I'd love for it to go back to that (because I really would) but I'd rather there was something more.

What we're lacking is communication. Something's stopping me from putting the cards on the table and just telling you whats going on, the way things are. That's only because I know you can;t do the same, because either you feel the same and aren't sure if I'm interested or because you aren't interested. But you can't be! That wouldn't make any sense! That wouldn't explain how you were acting around me today or why you came to see me just for catching up and laughs. Maybe you;re just being nice... no.

What I need to do is grow a pair and just confront you about all of this unspoken tention. Ha, 'confront' sounds so angry! Confrontational really, I'm not doing it to cause up trouble.

By the way, you smell great and you looked really smart today. Oh, and your hair is nice too.

Blame It On My Youth.

Ten to midnight on the last Thursday of the easter break and I'm sitting in my bed eating crisps and texting the majority of my phonebook. I was also writing with ye olde pen and paper! Only because I has left my laptop in the livingroom earlier on that day and my mother wouldn't have been the slightest bit pleased if I switched it on at that time of the day...

It just got me thinking, I was walking home at something past 11 because the last train was cancelled, walking home in the dark with one of my best friends. Just plodding along in life, it was good. But where were the rest of the teenagers? Sitting somewhere else in Helensburgh? Hidden from their parents and the police, sipping on their not-so-classy beverages? Where are they all? Searching the streets for a light and having two's on a cigarette? "Common sense will tell you that the ending will be sad", I've seen them running out of Hermitage Park, crying, and then the other one shouting to her 'come back ye daft cow!'. In Glasgow they stumble out of the taxis.

I don't want to join their little society. No thank you. Cigarettes and lies are not one of my favourite past times, I'll stick to chocolate and self pitty. I've never been part of that clique and I'm happy with the one I'm in.

I Dont Know;

how you think I will act.

what I'm meant to do.

how I should be.

how to win you over.

what to do.

when you'll realise.

You Only Get One Shot At The Title.

My cousin said that about herself once to a friend of mine, "you only get one shot at the title with me". She's had alot of experience in relationships, not the bad kind. She's not a slut of any sorts. I met each and every one of her boyfriends while I was growing up and got to observe each and every break up. I eventually adopted her phrase and made it my own, not just a phrase but I made it a rule, my policy.

I decided today I'm not giving you another chance because you've had enough. Enough of my time and enough of my patience and it was wasted on you. I gave you the option, I put myself out there for you and there are reasons girls like me don't do that; they get it thrown in their faces. The offer was out there, I asked you if you wanted to meet up and you sounded all for it.

You still haven't gotten back to me. It's been almost a week and I haven't heard from you. "I don't get paid 'til Friday" is a good excuse but Friday has passed and you're in the money. How many times can you loose your phone conveniently? If you don't want to see me then why don't you just say? Honesty isn't always the best policy but it sure as hell would help right now. You can't worm your way out of this one without telling me it straight, I know you're not interested but I want you to say it.

You were never intimidated of me and I liked that. I liked what we had. Every single bit of it fitted what I wanted and fitted my schedule. But now you're scared to tell me. I hate that. I'm nothing to be afraid of.

But now you've lost me, you're nothing to me these days. Just another one of those guys that I decided to throw away because, technically, you're losing out. I'm not letting you hurt me, therefor, I'm winning.

Like It Or Lump It; Post #100.

I've made of bad habits, I'm constructed with lies and make-believe fairy tales.

I wear mens deodorant. I love the taste of blood. When walking past people in busy places I tend to make "broom" and "zoom" noises. I relate my mood to lyrics from songs and leave them all over the internet for other people to see. When on webcam I make rediculous faces. I'm textually appealing. My Dads taste in music influenced mine alot. I slept for over a day once. Most days I achive absolutely nowt. I know my limits, I still love getting wrecked though. This is my claim to fame. I love car parks. I'm becoming more socially acceptable, day by day, but I'm planning my unconventional comeback. I'm an independant mess, my tears dry on their own. I'm uninspired and I'm sick and tired. I have attractive calves. I'm not used to my full potential. I take my shoes off in public places. I don't think talking about the weather is 'small talk', I can really get into it if you let me. I could say I'll always be here for you but that would be a lie and quite a pointless thing to do. I've got a whole life ahead of me and I cant wait. Coffee mugs dominate my face. I lost the chip on my shoulder when you left but I'm better for it. I've got the most freckles, ever. I'm hopelessly devoted to you. I take pride in my virginity and I'm not ashamed to say I don't put out. I can live off of jelly and painkillers for a week, I know, impressive. I was born to hand jive, baby. I keep my attractive friends close but my amusing friends closer. Alot of the time, I think 'there are worse things I could do', then I see you and it confirms my theory. I love finding new places. I'm constantly convincing myself that I will find fame and make a million. I can feel and I can cry. I measure distances in hours because I know it annoys alot of people. I would tell you how unique and individual I am but you wouldn't believe me, so I'll say I'm funny looking, sounding and all around plain peculiar. I love perfect boys with their perfect ploys. I'm going to become bigger that all of you think. People hear me but no one actually listens. I've had a good run, I have to admit. I prefer my left foot to my right. I like music that is lyrically intelligent. All I want to be is in a dream. Fame and glory; I don't want anything inbetween. I find myself wondering "why wont the world revolve around me?" more often that the average 17 year old drop out. I put myself before my education. Sometimes I want to quit all of this and join the rest of the world but I'm too proud. I just ate my body weight in minstrels... I don't recomend it. I constantly want to scream "I love you" but I'm worried someone might hear me. I blame all of my problems on my upbringing and claim 'I don't know any better'. I can't explain a thing, I want everything to change and stay the same. I bought a stuffed toy and became so attached to it I went home that night and made it a bed. I will never believe in anything again. I am a constant on everyones msn friends list. I have commintment issues. I'm in the middle of a sexual identity crisis. I loved everything about you that hurts. I'm just trying to prove myself to the world. The universe isn't big enough for my ego.I'm afraid of reproductive organs. I speak fast and I'm not going to repeat myself, so listen carefully.I get headaches when I talk too much. I have more in my head that I bargained for. I have a phobia of eyes. I used to watch Robotwars and SMTV Live religiously as a child. I can't get laid in this town without these pointy fucking shoes. I am still obsessed with Pokemon. My happiness comes first in my life as it is My Life. I live in my own little, fabulous, self obsessed bubble. I know you all want in.

I've been working on this for a month and now that I read it... I can't help but ask myself, was it really worth it?

I Was Thinking; Epilogue.

The 7 part series really helped widen my views of each one of the poeple I wrote about and my feelings for them. Writing about them gave me a chance to realise how I actually felt at the time and how they might have felt too. That was good, taking their feelings into consideration as it is something I don't do very often.

Writing Part 5 made me realise I used to be an absolute wanker. I got good feedback on it, thank you Sammy. That post showed that girls can be that horrible "I don't really care" sort of male character in the relationship. I enjoyed writing that one the most as it's something I've never taken the time to actually go through in my head.

The finale, I felt, did the blog justice. I enjoyed writing it too, not as much as Part 5 though. Now that I've written it I feel more free to talk about that whole 'kefuffle' and everything else in life actually... I'm just glad I got everything out there.

Clem.

Clementine: What do you want, Joel?

Joel: I don't know. I want you to wait for... just a while.

Clementine: Okay.

Joel: Really?

Clementine: I'm not a concept, Joel. I'm just a fucked-up girl who's looking for my own peace of mind.

Clementine: I'm not perfect.

Joel: I can't see anything that I don't like about you. Right now I can't.

Clementine: But you will. But you will. You know, you will think of things, and I'll get bored with you and feel trapped... because that's what happens with me.

Joel: Okay.

Clementine: Okay.

Clementine isn't real, she's a make believe character. Clementine Kruczynski is the only person in the world that I think could actually understand some of the things that go around in my head. But she's not real.

Such as, "I don't know! I don't know! I'm lost! I'm scared! I feel like I'm disappearing! My skin is coming off! I'm getting old! Nothing makes any sense to me! Nothing makes any sense! ". I've felt like that recently, alot. Okay maybe my skin wasn't coming off but I was just as confused as she was. But she wasn't really, because she's not a real person. I don't believe my thinking is rational until I remember Clementine and think 'other people might feel like this too.'... but then I remember she's not a real person! That upsets me a bit and then leaves me back at square one, thinking I'm a bit of a weirdo. I've grown to accept that feeling though.

She's such a great woman though, a typical nut case. "Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours." She's a bit of an inspiration to me, that's probablt not a good thing but I've stopped caring what's right and wrong. The point I see in that quote is that I'm not here to help you, I'm just trying to help myself, I have my own business.

I want to know her life story, I want to know why she acts the way she does. I want to know who fucked her up. I want to know what her family were like. I want her to be real.

I Was Thinking; Finale.

"Do you believe in love at first sight? It's an illusion, I don't care. Do you believe I can make you feel better? Too much confusion, come on over here."

Todays the day, Ladies and Gents. You'll have heard this all before, it's that tragic tale I've been stringing along behind me and never letting go. If you don't know me, this should all sound like a big mess that you wont take very seriously because the human race couldn't care less. To all of you that do know me, you'll probably now think I'm actually really vulnerable. Don't let this silly story make you think any less of me.

A story.

The begining was fabulous. Typical summer love, just like in the movies. Combine summer love with teenage love and you have created something possible of creaping back into someones life and ruining their chances of complete happiness. Dramatic, I know, but that's the way this story goes. It was completely out of the ordinary, I didn't even know you, it was all on a whim. I was hung up on someone else and getting nowhere with it, then you appear, out of the blue and into my life. If i knew at the time I'd spend a month pining after you I wouldn't have spoken to you after that day... but you had walked right into my life, as casual as you like and I didn't know any better. I also didn;t know you'd walk just as easily back out.

That day was sunny. It was on the grass, I was sitting cross legged and Timmy was as high as a kite so he crashed out on my left leg. He got you high. You crashed out on the other leg. I started putting grass on Timmys face while he was asleep. Someone was about to put grass on you but I told them not to... I was far too nice to you. We talked for the rest of that day and exchanged phone numbers, your mobile was broken but I wrote mine down for you. The minute I got home my best friend was on the phone to me, "Do you want me to ask him out for you? You might as well, what's the worst that could happen?" and all of the rest of it. I guess, I just thought I might as well! Nothing that day was like it usually was, so I went for it. Just like she said.

You weren't so sure about it. I understand now, you knew you were leaving, I didn't, you knew you would have to leave me. No one leaves me. My cousin, my ever so over protective cousin, heard about the going-ons and talked you into saying yes. She also gave you the "upset her and I kill you" talk. I saw you the day after, you had jumped off the pier before I came out... smooth move, quite the Casinova. I think the first thing I said to you was "you smell like the Clyde". You did, you were soaking. I held your hand anyway. I ended up smelling like the clyde too. People kept on walking past us that day and asking, "oh my God, you guys?! Seriously?!". I was loving it. I was loving you. I hate that.

The time we spent together was good.

The day you left was the begining of it all. You told me the day before, just to remind me, "I'm leaving tomorrow.", as if I'd forget. I just replied, "I know.". When you did leave, it was rather abrupt. You gave me the common and over used 'we need to talk', I gave you a witty 'talking is nice' but then you said something along the lines of 'in private' and pulled me away. I knew it was coming, it was so blatantly obvious. I don't even remember what you said, I doubt I was listening at all, but it did register in my head. I don't think we ever did have a proper goodbye, that one certainly wasn't, a hug and you walked away. As far as I knew, I would never see you again. I wandered off to the seat behind the fun box. I cried. I don't know when I stopped, it felt like forever.

I spent almost 3 weeks in town, crying my eyes out and shutting myself off from the world. At the time, it didn't seem like 'depression', I thought that was for people with dead parents or drug habits. The more I think about it, the more I realise that I was really fucked up. I started to cut myself then. I didn't see the problem until someone really close to me had an accident related to self harm. It didn't stop me though... I really should have. I was safe about it though, don't worry. I still have the scars, they're very faint though. I love them all the same, they'll stay with me for the rest of my life.

I hit a point when I thought to myself, "stop your whining, he's not coming back, not for you, grow up and get a grip." and I did. I 'moved on' and started going for guys like I go for coffee. I don't think I'll ever stop being like that, just picking up and dropping boys as I please. I blame you, you did the exact same to me.

We eventually, by eventually I mean about 2 months later, got back in contact. I told you of all my love escapades and how hapy I was with my life. You were still single, I was happy. You told me you missed me and I caved. I gave in, I told you the same and I was back at square one. I had a boyfriend, I 'loved' him and he 'loved' me but we still talked about "what do you think would happen if I stayed?" and all of the rest of it. I was naive to reply with "we'd still be together", I'm starting to doubt that now. You were my best friend then, I called you every other day and ran up a rediculous phone call all for the sake of keeping in contact.

You got my hopes up and pulled me straight back to reality, alot. You told me you were coming to visit, alot. You didn't, alot.

When you did eventually visit I was happy. I knew exactly what was coming though; you were going to leave me for a second time. I tried not to get too attatched but you made it very hard. You would show up outside my door asking to go walking. You knew I couldn't say no to you, you must have.

I remember the day before you left again, I don't think you remember as you were smoking with the guys earlier on. I'd be happier thinking you don't remember. I was a state. I actually let you see me crying. It did make the next day alot easier to deal with though, I'd already said what I needed to, it was just a case of goodbye. I wrote you a letter, I was meant to give you it that day but I didn't. I still have it.

I think I'm used to you leaving now. I'm used to you not being here too. Pretty much, I'm used to life without you now. A part of me will always hate you for everything you've ever done to upset me. For every time you've told me about the girls you're with, for every story of how drunk you got last weekend and for every time you've pretended to care about me. Because guess what? If you did, you wouldn't fight me. You wouldn't argue with me. You wouldn't have let me become what I am.

I can't hold a relationship these days. I can't handle my own life. I can't be like a normal girl. I can't do anything correctly and I blame you for it all. You made me miserable. You'll say "there was nothing I could do", but I'll say make me hate you. If I hated you it would make more sense. I get half of you, I get to be your friend and I can't do that. I want either you or nothing to do with you. I will always have a place for you though. I want you to know, if you ever feel like abandoning your life and all your responsibilities make sure you let me know. You know I'd drop everything. That's the effect, I think, you have on me. That, and you twist my words and then use them against me.

Everything you have ever done to me has shaped me into who I am today and I couldn't be happier with who I am. Okay, so every time we talk it is slightly soul-crushing but I love the drama just as mch as you do. You break me but each time I pull myself back together again and each time, I'm stronger. I just hope one day you don't push me to the point of no return. "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." I hate everything you do, so much, it's almost rediculous. You're the best first love I could have asked for, you've made my life a living hell and I wouldn't expect any less. I hope you're miserable with your life, I'd only be happy if I was with you or if I knew you were miserable without you. I'm a horrible person, I know, but you can't help the way you feel... right?

I can't wait till you read this. The aftermath will be blog worthy. You fuel my writing, you're helping me further my dream of becoming well known. Ha, one day I might actually be able to thank you! Not today though.

I Was Thinking; Part 6.

This will probably end up as one of the most embarrassing things I have ever written but I had to get around to it eventually, ans no doubt you've been itching to read what I have to say about you. You are going to read this some time tonight, so whatever you do just don't bring it up in conversation, because I'll end up freezing up. You know how I get when I'm talking about these things, I freak out, alot.

It must have all started some time in 3rd year, in our most wonderful English class. Thank goodness we were in the same class, I doubt we'd be friends at all if I wasn't in that class with you. You sat beside Danielle so I stole your seat. Typical me really, not taking other peoples' feelings into consideration. We started talking some time then, I'm not sure when I realised I 'fancied' you. It actually embarrasses me to say that. You should seriously see me face right now, I look like I'm about to punch someone. No offence!

You were in my Art and Graphics classes too. In both I did not sit with you. In Art you sat with Tamsin, someone I did not like, and in Graphics you were at the other end of the room. We hardly spoke really, I wasn't that into you at that point, it was during the summer (I think) that it all properly kicked off.

So, summer? I can't figure this all out in my head, I've got all the timing wrong. I was going to get Danielle to talk to you one day but I met Jake instead. Now knowing the bigger picture, I should have just gone ahead with all my plans, but Danielle said I should just go for it with him instead, which I did. There was one night, a few days after that day, you were with Danielle and Colin I think, and you said it was good that I'd moved on from you (or something along those lines, remember my memory is aweful), wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear but c'est la vie.

Then there was that rediculous camp-out, just after the day with the phone booth incident. You know how it went, basically, we were then we werent; end of. I did not take it well, that day in James Street. Not much else I can say on that really... We didn't talk much after that.

In 4th year you got moved up to set 2 maths and into the seat behind me, happy days for me! Here's one of the most rediculous things you'll probably ever read; I used to write notes with just casual things like "you out 2night?" or whatever, but I got all embarrassed and never passed you them... I remember just thinking that you'd think I was being really weird and acting like a big girl. So, if I haven't thrown out my 4th year books, if you tip the jotter upside down a thousand little bits of paper all saying "out 2night?" and "how r u?" would fall out.

It was later in 2007 you caused more fuss. That whole thing with me and you and Laura. I didn't like her. You got my hopes up for nothing! I was back to hating you again for a while. I can't remember how long it lasted, me not liking you, but I'm sure it was a while... I'm good at holding grudges. You've already apologised for that, but as I always say; sorry doesn't change anything. It still happened.

At the begining of 2008 I started again. It was just a re-occuring problem! We went shopping for the dress up party. I went home that night thinking "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!". The next day you got with Emma. Again, I wasn't happy but by that time we were good friends so I just brushed it off. The she dumped you and I dumped Dicky and a bing, bam, boom! it happens again. We wnt out for about a month and a half? It was fun but after a while it didn't feel right. That sucks but I guess that's the way it is.

Last summer, there was all of that nonsence at the party, I'm not going to get into that because we've spoken about it and it's a thing of the past now.

What I mean to say is, you're my best friend and probably the best ex I will ever have! I like that we have possibley the most complicated story of how we know each other. After everything, I think I can safely say that it has only made us better friends.

I Was Thinking; Part 5.

You're not the same as all the others, you have one distinct feature which places you in a whole legue of your own, you're a girl. You're my only ex girlfriend but I can assure you there will most likely be plenty more.

It all started in a phone booth, a £5 bet brought us together. That was our first run in. The day after that I started going out with the man that made the bet. I'm not sure what happened after that. Our little incident with the telephones made everyone believe that I was "bi", people were asking me for the rest of that day, "Are you's going out then?" and the such like, I replied with 'I don't know's and 'I don't think so's. Really, I should have just said No because we weren't. I always thought you were purely in it for the money... although, you were all over me that day. A while after that we had a love triangle, I let Gary have you. I'm such a good friend.

We were involved in another bet at Halloween, I told Dan that if he 'got off with' Laura then I'd 'get off with' you. I hate the term 'got off with', it's so vulgar. I was going out with Kris at the time but he couldn't make it to the party and I wasn't happy. I shouldn't have made that bet, It made me a bad person really, I was ineffectively cheating. You seemed pretty up for it, you were always sitting on my knee and hand cuffing yourself to me. You were giving me the green light, when I set the deal with Dan you didn't object. I was just as up for it as you were. I don;t think I saw you for the rest of that night, after it happened. I did clock onto you sitting on the steps with Slade, you looked as if you'd been crying. Guilt is a horrible feeling. Andrew, with no delay, then confronted me, "Why?". He's a good friend of yours, he was right, I should have known better.

Learning from my mistakes is something I do not do well. I stayed at yours on New Years with a couple of our friends. We got very, very drunk... you more so than anyone. Ever-wise Andrew didn't drink back then, and good on him, he just watched over. I was very aware of that. We did kiss a few times that night, blaming it on dares and spin the bottle. It was the same as when you got your braces off, I'm not sure if this was before or after New Years though, you asked me to kiss you, purely to see if it made much of a difference. It didn't but I told you it did. Where was I? Kris called that night, he said he'd come and visit but he never did. He was full of hollow promises like that but I 'loved' him. Just after coming off the phone, Naomi asked me if I liked you. I said no. I'm a liar. She said that you liked me and wanted to know how I felt. I wasn't into the thing we had going on as much as you were.

The summer after that I finally plucked up the courage to ask my friend to ask you out. I couldn't do it, I don't know why. I did try, we took a walk down the pier and I just froze up. I left Charlotte to do my dirty work for me. It was shirt lived, a week or so. The will they, wont they finally did. Once I finally had you the whole idea of us lost its appeal.

I do still think you're one of the most beautiful girls I know but you're not for me. You probably think the same.

I Was Thinking; Part 4.

You were rediculously nice to me, to everyone, and you still are. You're the only person that willingly came to me on my birthday and endured a day of my mates slagging you off as if you couldn't hear them. I just hope you didn't hear them, I'd hate for you to think I associate myself with people like that.

You were one of the many that I met in The Cat House. You remembered my name, that's how we got talking. I remembered yours because everyone called you 'Swannie' and I thought it was rediculous. I walked into your life quite like no one else ever has, or atleast that's what you told me, and I liked that. You always reminded me that I'd made a big impact on the way you saw things, changed your perspective on life. That didn't stop you talking about the same things day in, day out.

It was selfish of me to 'dump' you because I thought you were boring. It wasn't that I found you boring, you were full of little interesting things, but when you hear the same stories over and over for a week straight... it becomes boring. I blamed it on the distance. You'll find that I tend to throw around the Distance excuse like there's no tomorrow.

Distance was a problem though, you lived somewhere I never even heard of before. I know it was two trains away from me, one away from Glasgow, meaning about 2 hours of travel. I could only afford Glasgow every second weekend. You ended up coming through in the evenings, you told me enthusiastically of your plans, that when I went back to school, you'd come through to Helensburgh. If you did, you'd only be with me, here, for a couple of hours then you'd have to head home. I didn't like it.

I started to feel slightly chlostraphobic. There was no reason for me to feel enclosed but I did. You were making an effort to see me because you actually wanted to, and I didn't feel quite the same.

You introduced me to the best movie in existance. I'm glad you're still my friend. I didn't try as much as I should of, but even if I did, I don't think I could have changed what happened.

I Was Thinking; Part 3.

We lasted forever... 7 months and a week to be exact. I liked you and you liked me. Apparently it was love, atleast thats what we told each other. The first time you said you loved me was over the phone, one of those "I'm about to hang up" things, it wasn't even "I love you", just "love you". That was a few months into it.

You fancied me, I didn't actually like you like that. Apparently you wanted to make a move on me at a camp out, I didn't know about this until a while after we got together. It took you about a week to actually ask me out, you sent me a text saying something like "there was somehting I was going to ask you but you went home" and you didn't get around to asking me for ages! I already knew though, I got one of my friends to find out. We weren't even friends, we never were, but it worked.

I didn't talk to you in school, sometimes we walked to class together but that would have been a one-off. You spent your lunch times at the tree, I didn't smoke so I had no reason to be out there, I stayed inside with all the 'emo's' at the hobo corner and the radiator. You did see me after school atleast three days a week. We didn't spend weekends together. I didn't like your friends. I hardly even liked you that much, come to think of it.

I almost dumped you... more than you know! Once every couple of months I'd think, "what's the point?" but then I realised there was no point, it was just fun and nice and I should be happy with that. I liked that you'd text me at 2 in the morning with the most pointless texts, asking if I'm awake or how I was... tired would have been the answer.

I was happy... but I was also very, very young! I was 14, not old enough to understand. Although, I thought I was. If we left it a few more years maybe, until we were more mature, I think we could have made it work. But you will always have that 'I don't give a shit' attitude that you do with all your girlfriends.

I Was Thinking; Part 2.

You are a sleeze. I didn't know exactly what 'scum of the earth' meant until I met you. I've not seen you keep the same friends for the whole time I've known you, a good few years now. I find it hard to keep up with what girl you're with now, as far as I know you've found someone and you've been with her for a few months now, well done. You're shameless. I love it.

It was instant attraction, those kind of things don't happen to me. You were around the back of Borders. God knows what I was doing there, I was terrified by the people at Borders and Central... but now I feel very at home woth them. Charlotte must have been meeting someone. I me you shortly after some guy tried to convince us to give him money because Jesus loves us all. You were better dressed than me. It was a catty night, I was in my vest and netting top, pink and plack stripey drainpipes and skirt. You had just left Primark, cutting the colar and cuffs off of a shirt and wearing them with your white tracksuit. I had to know you. Lucky for me you were also going to the Cat House that night.

I managed to get your number, funny story actually but I wont bother. You didn;t text me back for a week or so. You always have been great at being a wanker, You did kiss me that night, alot, especially when me and CharBear were halfway through conversation, she hated that, but you sent me all of the signals and then didn't text me. Drama, I love it.

I can't remember what happened after that, but I did see you again in Novermber or December of 2007. I met you out of coincidence, I was actually shopping with Scott Hopper. You kissed me again. I was hooked, again. Not complaining though, I thought you were excellent. I never did spend any proper time with you though, I was always busy or you just didn't to... I'd still find you and say hello and you seemed more than happy to see me.

It was Sarahs bitrthday, end of January, when I decided to text you and ask where was it all going. You bluntly told me that you didn't want to be in a relationship right now, and that was it really, we carried on as usual. When Valentines Day came, I didn't see you, you had no money and I didn't have enough to go to yours.

You got a girlfriend some time after that, I was not happy in the slightest. I would have been happier if you hadn't lied to me. You wanted a girlfriend, you just didn't want me for a girlfriend. I realise now, but didn;t at the time, that you are an utter slime ball. You are so care free, it's not a good kind of care free, it's just careless now. You're in your own little bubble... I couldn;t possibley admire you more, you're doing exactly what I want, you're doing what you want.

I Was Thinking;

Of doing a series of blogs based on people I know and what I have to say about or relationships. To make it all the more fun for yourselves, I'm not going to say who's who! You'll find, or atleast I'm planning, that alot of the series will be on ex's. I'm good at being angry at ex's.

Part One-

I was spying on people through the internet yesterday, it's what I do when I get bored, and I caame across you. You actually scrub up quite well. Image is never an ussue with me, you could wear a bin bag for all I care, but I think you got the look you are going for pretty spot on. My friend, she was with me at the time, commented on your nice skin, I think you get it from your family. My point is, I say you and I got thinking.

I don't think I made the decision to end it on my own. I was influenced by alot of my friends, which is silly really because it's expected from them. Most of them can't accept anything that's not themselves. I'm not saying I didn't mean what I said, I meant all of it, I couldn't do it anymore because it wasn't working.

I don't know how you wanted me to act. I always felt like I was doing something wrong around you, you never looked cofortable. Me, I'm always looking as if I'm at home but that's because I usually am. Whenever we grabbed coffee I was at home, I'd sprawl across the sofa as if it was my own. I didn't feel like you aproved of that or me taking my shoes off all of the time. I can't be anyone else but myself.

I do miss it all. I miss the way you walk, weirdly enough, at the time I hated it, I thought you looked like an idiot! And the fact you had thinner legs than me, I didn't like that. I don't miss hugging you. I didn't hug you often enough, I should have hugged you more. What I should have doe was give it a bit more time as see how I actually felt.

You're a nice enough guy but nice isn't what a bitch is looking for. You were too subtle and you read me completely wrong, although I can't really blame you for that seeing as yoou never got a proper chance to know me.

Who Gives You The Right?

To ask Smiddy how he is then carry on walking, not actually waiting for his reply, who gave you the right to so blatantly ignore him? Who? Who was it? Take me to them and I'll show them that you can't just do that. That'll teach that group of the population. They shouldn't be allowed to do that. I agree with you, Smiddy!

And who gave you the right to say that boys can stay out later than girls? I know there are differences between girls and boys, yadda yadda, I get it, but I want to be allowed to be able to stay out with my friends without you thinking I'm gonig to get mugged/raped/murdered. Have I not said a thousand times before, I can take care of myself.

On that note; who gives you the right to give me a right earfull about how I'm takign a big risk staying over at someones house that I've never been to before and smoking. This is coming from the same person that went out on saturday and can't remember half of the evening. Did I manage by myself? Yes. I got there and home alone and while money and dignity to spare. Go me. There's nothing I can ask you to do though to stop me acting like such a dick now. Sorry doesn't seem to work on me.

Who gives you the right to just blank me? I was and still am only ever nice to you but you've not bothering with me anymore. I must have meant nothing to you, right? And I thought you were different. I'm only sure that you didn't mean it now when you were drunk and you started spouting all that crap of how you really liked me... then again, it's my fault for letting myself get that way.

I love bad moods. They make for good, spontanious writing.

I'm A Big Girl Now.

My Dad's always been protective of me. I understand why though, I am still his little girl. We've always had a bond. For as long as I can remember I've given im a hug every night before I go to sleep. When I was younger, I used to always pick him over my Mum. Obviously, I now realise that there is no choosing between parents, it's impossible, but when I was young I thought he was the coolest guy around... I still do. Unlike my Mum, my Dad would give me nicknames; Tinker Bell, Toots, Heather Bell, Petal Bang, ect. He's my best friend.

Even now, I think he's the funniest guy around. He understands my humor and likes my sarcasm. Sometimes he tries to hard to take control of me and my Brother, because it's not his job, it's always been my Mums, but we don't let him. Because he is my best friend he can't tell me what to do.

My Dad doesn't like me staying at boys houses or going to parties with boys. He doesn't mind that I spend more time with boys than girls, I think that's because it makes me a bit more tom-boyish therefor I don't act like most daughters and completely ignore their fathers because they know nothing about fashion or the latest trends. I don't mind if my Dad knows nothing about what's hip and happening because I don't either. I love my Dads jumpers, they're lovely and cosy. I used to always take his fleeces when I wasn't feeling well. I still have a couple of his t-shirts that I use and pyjama tops too.

My Dad still sees me like he used to. I am 17 now. I try to remind him that I'm not his little princess anymore. I walk up to him say "Dad, check how tall I am! I'm taller than you now!" but he'll just reply with "You're still my little girl though." or something. He always tells me I'm not allowed any boyfriends until I'm 40 and I can't get married until I'm 50 and I'm not moving out until I'm 60... on the other hand my mum can't wait to get me out of the house. If only he knew the half of it. I'd love to just walk up to him and tell him I've had almost 10 boyfriends and I've dated a few people and I've had a girlfriends and there's probably going to be more to come. His face would drop instantly.

I don't want to upset my Dad, ever. I'll be his princess for as long as I can. I'll keep my act together in the mean time. I'll keep him sweet.

But I am a big girl now. I can look after myself. I don't need people worrying about me. Kapeesh?

Tales Of Mere Existance.

I am going to quote you the whole script of one of Lev's videos because... well, because I can and I have the free time. I can relate to this one, so I'm doing this more for me that anyone else really. I really liked this video, it really hit home.

How We Managed To Not Really Date Each Other;


FEBRUARY

Her: I don't usually meet people this way. One day I stumbled on this really cynical blog, the guy who wrote it seemed to bleak and funny that, on a whim, I e-mailed him and asked if he'd like to get a drink.
Him: I got her note and I looked her up on myspace, her pictures were blurry but she was 22 and, y'no, I thought that was kinda hot.
Her: We got to the bar and started with the Getting To Know You stuff, I told him how I'd just gone to this talk where David Foster Wallice and Rick Moody had talked about how fiction writers these days don't often write about real poli-
Him: I was thinking to myself, "Yeah, she goes to Berkeley, alright."
Her: We talked for a while and then his phone rang. I'd had a few drinks and figured it was another girl...
Him: It was my Mom but I kinda wanted her to think it was another girl.
Her: When he was done with the phone he came back to the table and said all enthusiasticly, "Hey, let's go for a walk!".
Him: I figured if we went outside it would reduce the risk of getting a drink thrown in my face if I grabbed her and kissed her... which I did.
Her: Guys don't mistake me for a one-night-stand kind of girl. I was wondering, why does he think I want to kiss him? But I kissed him back... I guess I just figured, what the hell.
Him: I could tell she was a little uncomfortable so I don't think I pushed too hard. We went to my place for a little while.
Her: I was there for about an hour and he actually thought it was a good idea to show me his playboy magazines...
Him: Wait-wait-wait, those were vintage playboy magazines and I was just trying to show you how funny the old advertisements are.
Her: I couldn't believe it. I was thinking, what a slime ball, what a weirdo.
Him: I wasn't sure what kind of impression I had made.
Her: I figured he'd give up because I didn't sleep with him. I was really suprised when he called the next day.


MARCH

Him: I think we dated for about a month.
Her: I think we had sex for about a month.
Him: I started to like her more than I expected to but there was some kind of barier in the way and I could never figure out what it was.
Her: Every time I'd really start to like and feel comfprtable with him, he'd say something... not about me, about someone else that struck me as overly harsh and judgemental. I didn't want him to judge me that way.
Him: Y'know, I liked that she had such a sharp 'bull shit' detector, but I sure hated it when she used it on me. I couldn't do anything cool without her calling me on it.
Her: I felt like he was trying too hard to impress me, he seemed a little too into his karate uniform and zippo tricks.
Him: Every time I did the thing where you open and light the zippo on your leg, she would just start laughing at me.
Her: I did like him but I just couldn't let myself trust him.
Him: Then one day she said on the phone that she didn't want to hang out for a while because she didn't want to like me too much.
Her: And I guess you could say, that was that.


AUGUST

Her: I wanted to see how he was doing, so I e-mailed him. I don't remember what I said but I did my best to sound friendly and happy.
Him: I was glad to hear from her. I wrote back and did my best to sound smug and arogant.
Her: Why were you being suck a dick?
Him: It goes like this; my friend, Sean, always got more girls than I did and I was just trying to say cocky and aloof things the way that he does.
Her: I would never, never, never date your friend, Sean.
Him: It's actually very nice to hear you say that, thank you.
Her: Your welcome.
Him: Anyway, being a dick didn;t seem to work on her, but I'd just got this basket at the thrift store so I asked her if she wanted to go on a pic-nic.
Her: When's anyone else gonna ask me on a pic-nic?
Him: So we sat on the edge of this big lake and we talked like we hadn't talked before.
Her: He confessed his love of Dragnette.
Him: She said she's always wanted to be like Agent 99 on Get Smart.
Her: We drank a bottle of wine.
Him: And then we went back to her place. We didn't sleep together but we did fall asleep.


SEPTEMBER

Her: I started calling him when something good or funny happened during the day.
Him: I did the same and I was starting to really get into it.
Her: You weren't really that into it...
Him: ... That's so typical of you.
Her: What do you mean?
Him: Every time we started getting closer you'd deliberatley throw a wrench into it.
Her: I wouldn't say that,
Him: Y'know, you never once complimented me or told me I was cute or anything.
Her: ... I know.
Him: Why?
Her: Because you know it.
Him: Not all the time.
Her: Sure you do.
Him: Even if I did, it would be nice to hear it from you.
Her: Why?
Him: Just because.


NOVEMEBER

Him: She was out of town for a few weeks and she called me to say that she really missed me.
Her: He said he couldn't wait for me to get home.
Him: We hadn't talked about if we were dating or not but I was planning to bring it up.
Her: He was always telling me that I meant alot to him.
Him: She would always say that she loved talking to me.
Her: He said I was one of the smartest people he knew.
Him: Then she told me that I reminder her of a great literary character.
Her: Dosteovsky's "The Idiot".
Him: I didn't know what I was supposed to think about that. She would give me these little jabs sometimes to kind of put me in my place.
Her: That's not what I was doing at all.
Him: The book's called The Idiot, it's pretty easy to make that mistake, don't you think?
Her: Well, maybe if you read the book...
Him: Look, I'll get to it!
Her: And then he got really, really drunk at this party we went to...
Him: That's because you were talking to that conceptial poet guy with the glasses all night.
Her: He was a really nice and intelligent man!
Him: I'm sure he's read the idiot...
Her: What about that time I came over just as you were kissing one of your Girlfriends goodbye?
Him: Elizabeth is just a friends and I told you that, and I kiss alot of my friends on the forehead.
Her: Oh, really?
Him: Maybe I was just seeing if you'd get jelous because you never seem to give a shit.
Her: It didnt make me jelous, it just made me totally confused.
Him: Look, what do you want?
Her: I don't know, why don't you tell me what you want first?
Him: No, you first.
Her: No, you first!
Him: Tell me what do you want!
Her: No, what do you want?!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CXBZSV0FaVE&feature=channel

Dating Agency;

F/17/UK
I like going to the cinema, coffee and caravaning. I like long walks in the evening with loads of chat. I like quaint little coffee shops that you can discover while on your long walks. I am single and spend most of my time planning how my future would be if I was in a relationship with random people I see. I am not afraid of anything, I just need to know that I can breath. I don't know much about anything. I am small and the world is big, I am surrounded by things, fast moving. To be specific, I am roughly 5 foot and a bit. I am short but I don't mind because apparently there is nothing interesting on the top shelves anyway.
I have a GSOH and can think of loads of fun things to do. In my spare time I do sweet fuck-all because I'm a lazy git. I am often found wandering around looking for people. I keep an active social life and live by a strict 'bro's before hoes' policy. I am blonde and have a brain. I am not curvy and I'm not thin, I'm a happy medium. I'm not content with my Happy Medium and I'm not happy with the size of my posterior. I want to be anything but ordinary. I like to scream, it makes me feel alive. I'm the best damn thing you've ever seen. I'm so laid back; I'm horizontal. I can always look on the bringt side even when there is no bright side. I want to get into bungee jumping.

I am terrified of crawly bugs and spiders, heights, commitment and trying new food. I hate people telling me what to do and people that aren't comfortable in their own skin. I disagree with hard drugs and casual sex. I am a nun in training. I am a virgin for all the right reasons. I know my own limits when it comes to eating, drinking and smoking, 'everything in moderation'. Sometimes, I give myself the creeps, somethimes, my mind plays tricks on me. I don't like people being late and not letting me know. I'm more tom-boy that most 'girls', I prefer the company of men but most of my boyfriends don't like that. Fall back, take a look at me and see that I'm for real, I feel only what I can feel but if that doesn't appeal to you then let me know, and I'll go because I'm better when my colours show. I am capable of anything, my friends just haven't realised yet that I don't need to be looked after. I'm alot to handle but I don't need you to handle me, I can handle myself. My independance is starting to ruin my life. I'm charged with teenage rage and adolescent anger but I can't find a healthy way of venting it.


WLTM; M/17-19/UK
Man of similar interests. I am comfortable with feminine men, more than comfortable. Looking for someone for fun times out and maybe more. If you feel you are sane enough to handle my crazy, or crazy enough to know how to relate and deal with it, contact me on my MySpace;
http://www.myspace.com/delilahmadonna
If you think you can knock me off of my feet, please let me know.

Let Love Be Your Energy.

I like having boys on demand. It's a nice feeling. It's nice to know people are interested in me. I've given up on being interested on guys... but don't get me wrong, I have a tendancy to not turn down a guy, that doesn't make me a slut. I just love getting to know people, and this is a means of doing so.

"All the best women are married, all the handsome men are gay." Here's the thing, I'm not attracted to men. I'm not a lesbian but I don't fancy guys or women for that matter. I do have a thing for men that look like women, but thats just lust, I don't like the actual people and if I'm right, which I usually am, they lady boys are most likely into lady boys too.

Do you not find that when you are interested in someone and you find out they 'fancy' you too, you dismiss it. It's unthinkable. I get that, alot. But it actually, in my head, seems impossible. Yet, to everyone else it's obvious. I don't know where I'm going with this.

I want what I used to have back. Our little arrangement; meeting up at weekends, getting wasted, texting throughout the week and doing what couples do. I don't blame you for not showing me the slightest bit of attention, after all, I did try to reel you in and trap you. Constantly having my friends ask why we're not going out or then telling you to ask me out... I can be honest and say, if you had, things would have been much worse. We wouldn't have lasted a week. But we lasted 3 months. I'll never be happy.

Does that make me a shit person? Wanting to juggle as many men as possible just to feel better about myself. Well, yeah, it does. But I'm sure the guys know I'm a head mess before they get involved. He knew, because he'd witnessed me and how I acted around guys, seeing as I did go out with his best friend for a month. That also makes me a bad person, going for the ex's best friend, I've heard it's not the done thing.
it makes sense though, why you wouldn't. Coming between two friends, two really close ones, isn't a nice thing to do and I wouldn't be having it if someone tried to do that to me. it's only a problem if you let it be though. Oh, here's something I can write about for days!

Now, I understand, bro's before hoes and all the rest of it. But if your ex goes for your best friend, that shouldn't mean that they're in the wrong or that your friend is. It's only a problem if you make it. And you've got to look at all the reasons why you'd make it a problem, I bet you it's 'cause you still have a bit of a thing for the person intruding your friendship. There's no other explination really. It's a bit selfish if you don't let them have a go at it, they could be meant for each other for all you know.

Coming from me, this is all nonsense, I know nothing of relaionships and this is baised completely on what I've observed.
Ladyhawke – Paris Is Burning

Achieve.

Rumaging through my brain, ever day, and spitting out words like they're important. I don't know what I'm trying to do, trying to gain something from my own misunderstanding. I wish I could be content with my lot but that's not me. Then again, what is me? I'm meant to be unpredictable, aren't I? Maybe I should stop acting like I'm a mental wreck and shock the world.

I realised today, I can safely say that I'm through with this whole thing we've had. Our friendships main component was hate... and I'm cool with that. I've done almost everything I can to drive you away.

I've almost caught up with my 1ooth post. It'll be great.

I hope.

Between The Bars.

Drink up, baby, stay up all night. Things you could do, you won't but you might. The potential you'll be that you'll never see, the promises that you'll only make. Drink up with me now and forget all about the pressure of days, do what I say. And I'll make you okay and drive them away; the images stuck in your head. People you've been before that you don't want around anymore, that push and shove and won't bend to your will... I'll keep them still. Drink up, baby, look at the stars, I'll kiss you again between the bars where I'm seeing you there with your hands in the air, waiting to finally be caught. Drink up one more time and I'll make you mine. Keep you apart, deep in my heart. Separate from the rest, where I like you the best and keep the things you forgot. The people you've been before that you don't want around anymore that push and shove and won't bend to your will... I'll keep them still.

Disasters Happen, Or I Am One.

I want new things. I want material things, new clothes and make up and hair that will fix its self and a fridge that fills its self and self-cleaning house. I want updated, I want to get taller and thinner and prettier and get bigger boobs and a smaller bum and bigger eyes. I want to live, drink less coffee, eat less chocolate and stop being so stubborn when it comes to food. I want to stop being so stubborn and just let someone fucking love me for a change. Argh.

Remember when I met that guy in my dream? I met another one last night. Not the same guy though, completely different, he had darker hair I think... and wasn't as tall. He was ten times better too! I was so disapointed whe I woke up and realised I hadn't been with him, I never actually listened to him talking and I don't actually know who he is. I wish I could live forever in my dreams. Do you think it;s possible? Somewhere, at some point in your life...

Ofcourse it's not possible. But why do I keep meeting these people in my head? Where do they come from? I can't just be pulling them out of thin air, can I? I hope not. Maybe I've constructed them, in my head, out all all the bits of people that I like to create this monserous amount of brilliant and I've fallen in love with it. I do this all the time, it's nothing new to me. I see people and fall for them... But I don't know them. I don't want to know them, I might not like them anymore, I might hate them for all I know. I don't want to ruin the dream.

Urgh, I hate my dreams. My little breaks from reality are wonderful but I don't want a temporary break, take me away permanently please.

Everlong.

A song that I love more than anything or anyone. Listen to it, from the Skin And Bones album, Foo Fighters.
Linkage?
Foo Fighters – Everlong
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFqXoSxh5jQ

Now, let me walk you through this song. Keep in mind that I'm using the timing from Spotify and I'm not sure wiehter it will be the same as youtube.
When I hear the first second of it, I get the most bizarre feeling in my tummy. When everyone starts to cheer, 'cause they know exactly what's coming; an excellent song. I don't know why it is so special to me. This version of the song is my favourite because it's acoustic and live, two things the Foo's do best. About 40 seconds in, "tonight, I throw myself into...", makes me all warm and fuzzy! Mainly because you can just hear the croud singing along, very vaguely if you listen carefully, it sounds wonderful. At 48 seconds, the do-do-doo's... Just brilliant.

I'm not going to go on any longer about every sound in the song, you can go see for yourself. The Foo Fighters have always been a big favourite of mine. I first heard them when I stayed at my cousin Stephanies flat, years ago. She put them on, I think it was My Hero, and I said "oh, thats on an advert"... how stupid of me to think that they were just advert material when they are so much more! They're music isn't exactly the kind that makes you stand back and takes your breathe away... but, dude, seriously, how much better can it get? They've done nothing I hate.

I hate sounding lame. I will stop now.

That's The Way, Uhuh Uhuh, I Like It.

"Old enough to know better, to young to care."

I want to be Lyla Diamond. A spontanious, fun-loving teen that lives to love and loves life. I have a life filled with excitement, constantly getting into humorous situations. I have an excellent family, a mother that gives me space, a father that gives me freedom and a brother that treats me like a human. I plan to leave school and persue a career that I'll love.

I am Heather Cameron. A head-in-the-clouds teen that's constantly getting into trouble and tricky situations. I have all the friedns in the world but only 4 that I feel are worth it, the rest are not my friends by choice, merely because we don't know any better. My house is filled with lies and arguements. I don't get along with my mother because I am turning into her and I can't stand it. I' failing secondary school and will be lucky to make it through college without changing my mind.

I was Delilah Debonair/Delilah Madonna Awesomeness. A confused adolescent that wants to break the mold for the sake of arguement. Using my stubborness to agrivate my mother, even though it was never her fault for me being the age I was.

I will never be happy with my lot, it's in my nature to cause a fuss. I hate that I'm horrible but there's just so much I can't put up with. Sometimes I can't get my head around some peoples habits an that's why I snap. I know I could be worse. Surely, if it was that big a deal, I wouldn't have any friends? My mother would have thrown me out of the house and I'd be alone, surely...

I'll never understand myself, but why would I want to? Sure, life would be easier, I'd be able to control my emotions and hide/show them properly. But I wouldn't be me, I wouldn't be that crazy girl! I'd be no fun. "Just another number".

Are You In?

You.
bick·er
intr.v. bick·ered, bick·er·ing, bick·ers
1. To engage in a petty, bad-tempered quarrel; squabble. See Synonyms at argue.
You're in it for the agruements, the drama. You don't see what we have/had as a friendship, you see it as a vent, a place to go and take out your anger. It's not fair on me. I shouldn't have to put up with your need to feel loved. I don't love you, I couldn't care less if we never spoke again.
It shows. You can tell, when you talk, how you develop the conversation. You say things and expect me to console you when you feel down. I've never been one to give in, I'm not going to change my attitude towards you because you need to feel that I care.
Face it, I don't care anymore, I stopped caring when you started lying.

You're in it for the fun. I can tell you want the friendship. I'm content with what we have, it's new and fun and exciting. It's nice to meet someone that'll be nice when I tell them to stop it. You're niceness is rediculous, I would never be able to do what you do. To me, I doubt you can do anything wrong. You never stop giving. I feel that I should give you something back, for all of the niceness and such, but that's not a very me thing to do.

You're in it for the understanding, the someone to talk to. You can talk to me about God knows what and know that I'm just as weird therefor wont give you a loom that says "let's pretend you never said it". I'm in it for all the same reasons though. We never run out of conversation, which has to be a good thing. I don't know why you put up with me, it's stupid really, because I say some really nasty things. Then again, that's me and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Friendship is something I take very seriously, even though it's rediculously laid back. My social life is great, I'm who you go to if you want to go out, looking for weekend plans or whatever. I can arrange you anthing because I know who's doing what, where and when. I love that I have my friends, the good ones. I've got a great bunch of them. A handful of them are the best.

That Girl.

This morning, the msn homepage has provided me with "30 mistakes women should make before they're 30". The top 30 includes things that I am now happy knowing other people have done to, not just me, such as chatting up a gay guy, dating two guys at once, getting drunk infront of your parents... But there's one that stands out that I doubt I'll do before or after I'm 30.

"Being 'that girl'.
The definition of 'that girl' is very broad, but most people know one. She's generally the person who can be found dancing on the bar, flirting with anything that has two legs and being carried or escorted home at the end of a night out. You get the picture."

I do know many of those girls. I have friends like that. I love my friends, but I hate girls that act like that. I will never be That Girl. That Girl that uses her assets and the fact that she's a woman to manipulate people. Don't get me wrong, if you've got it; flaunt it, but leading men on and using them to get you drinks or whatever it is you girls do... that's not right.

Isn't that what those girls do? They manipulate men, get absolutely wasted, stagger home or clamber into taxi's, lose all their money or are convinced they did when really you spent it all the night before you stupid idiot! Argh! Why would you want to do that?!

Wouldn't you rather not getting blitzed? Save some money, give the men a little respect, respecting yourself more importantly, just don't give everyone the impression that this is the way you want to spend your life. It's not an atractive look.
Well, maybe it is an atractive look. All of the That Girls that I know never have any trouble bagging themselves a man for the night. I'd rather not just have a guy for the night though, pointless, meaningless. All he wants is a one night stand, no thank you to a man that never wants to see me again, you either get the whole of me or none.

I'll never be That Girl because I don't agree with the morals of That Girl. I don't know how Those Girls do it, I'd never be happy with myself. But, it's just not my scene.

Relationships? Yeah?

Be my best friend and I can bitch to you about all the guys that have screwed me over and all the ones I let slip through my fingers.
Be my boyfriend and I can let you walk all over me or try and crush you first.
Be both, and you're something brand new.

Be my best friend and take me out for a coffee and around for some window shopping.
Be my boyfriend and let me choose a movie even though it's the worst place to chat and catch up.
Be both, and you're a bizarre combination.

Be my friend and ask me how I am and tell me how you are and what's going on.
Be my boyfriend and smother me with your love and affection until I crack.
Be both, and I might explode.

With Heather Cameron, there is no happy medium.

I'm not comfortable with the fact that someone 'likes' me. I'll also be absolutely raging when I found out they don't think I am God's gift to men. I will never be pleased. Think you can win me over? Guess again. Men are not to be trusted!

You have to be;

1. Fun, full of exciting things to do, places to go.
2. Impulsive, it's a must.
3. Talkative, conversation is a big thing to me.
4. Arguementative, it's the main way I communicate.
5. Interesting, I've met many a boring man in my time and it's no fun hearing the same things over and over and over...
6. 'Brand New', in the sense that you can keep me on my toes, always not knowing what to expect next... I have a tendancy to get bored you see.

So, there you have it, a bunch of things you should be if you want a chance. I am one of the most difficult people I know. Slightly... unpredictable? And stuborn. I can't be won over easily. I almost forgot, "You only get one shot at the title", so use it wisely! If i've wasted my time on you once, there's a very slim chance of me wasting time on you again. You can try to persuade me, tell me it's worth another go, but I'm hard to convince. By the way, I will not let anyone tell me what to do.

Also, I'm a confused little girl. I don't nkow how to express my feeling properly. This is not only a problem for you but it's a big problem for me! I hate giving off the wrong impression but I can't stand thinking people can just read me like a book. I'm difficult, self centered and oblivious to the world around me. I can't decide what's best for me but I usually choose the worst option. I like to think I'm capable of anything. You'll eventually realise that, in reality, I'm nothing new. I realised that, I'm doing everything I can to prevent people like you from noticing. Doing a good job, don't you think?

So there you have it, the little guide of How To Deal With Heather. You can't win... is the basic message. There's nothing you can do right. I will pick at your flaws and break you down, piece by piece. "I am single but have a force field around my big enough to take over the world". I'm going to block you all out. I can't have a boyfriend, sorry.

Just convince me, yeah? It'll be tough. But surely, if you manage to, I'll realise that it might be worth letting my guard down for a while.

Flamboyant.

You live in a world of excess
where more is more and less is much less
A day without fame is a waste
and a question of need is a question of taste

You're so flamboyant
the way you look
It gets you so much attention
Your sole employment
is getting more
You want police intervention
You're so flamboyant
the way you live
You really care that they stare
And the press deployment
is always there
It's what you do for enjoyment

You live in a time of decay
when the worth of a man
is how much he can play
Every day
all the public must know
where you are, what you do
'cause your life is a show and

You're so flamboyant
the way you live
and it's not even so flamboyant
It's like a drug
you use to give your life meaning
You're so flamboyant
The way you look
It gets you so much attention
Your sole employment
Is getting more
You want police intervention

Every actor needs an audience
Every action is a performance
It all takes courage
You know it
Just crossing the street
well, it's almost heroic
You're so flamboyant...

There you are at another preview
In a pose the artist and you
To look so loudmay be considered tacky
Collectors wear black clothes by Issey Miyake

You're so flamboyant
the way you look
It gets you so much attention
Your sole employment
is getting more
You want police intervention
You're so flamboyant
The way you live
You really care that they stare
And the press deployment
is always there
It's what you do for enjoyment

You're so flamboyant
You're so flamboyant

Sweetness.

Sweetness I was only joking when I said

I'd like to smash every tooth in your head.

Oh sweetness, sweetness I was only joking when I said

by rights you should be bludgeoned in your bed.

I do this thing, right, where I throw people off. I do this thing, yeah, I tell people I hate them because I want them to try for me. I do this other thing, 'kay, I make people think I'm really fun and interesting but really I am just moderately fun.


I do this other thing, which I'm sure alot of you can relate to, where I have found someone that could be a potential target so I have befriended them... therefor in the process entering that 'friend zone'. How sucky is it in there? The only positive is that you can imagine all the ways it wouldn't work between you two, because it'd just be too weird.

Imagine seeing people that way, but for every person you met. Every girl/guy you seen in the town and you thought "they look like fun". Then you start to list everything that could potentially go wrong between you two. It's a horrible point of view but it keeps me safe.