You Only Get One Shot At The Title.

My cousin said that about herself once to a friend of mine, "you only get one shot at the title with me". She's had alot of experience in relationships, not the bad kind. She's not a slut of any sorts. I met each and every one of her boyfriends while I was growing up and got to observe each and every break up. I eventually adopted her phrase and made it my own, not just a phrase but I made it a rule, my policy.

I decided today I'm not giving you another chance because you've had enough. Enough of my time and enough of my patience and it was wasted on you. I gave you the option, I put myself out there for you and there are reasons girls like me don't do that; they get it thrown in their faces. The offer was out there, I asked you if you wanted to meet up and you sounded all for it.

You still haven't gotten back to me. It's been almost a week and I haven't heard from you. "I don't get paid 'til Friday" is a good excuse but Friday has passed and you're in the money. How many times can you loose your phone conveniently? If you don't want to see me then why don't you just say? Honesty isn't always the best policy but it sure as hell would help right now. You can't worm your way out of this one without telling me it straight, I know you're not interested but I want you to say it.

You were never intimidated of me and I liked that. I liked what we had. Every single bit of it fitted what I wanted and fitted my schedule. But now you're scared to tell me. I hate that. I'm nothing to be afraid of.

But now you've lost me, you're nothing to me these days. Just another one of those guys that I decided to throw away because, technically, you're losing out. I'm not letting you hurt me, therefor, I'm winning.

Like It Or Lump It; Post #100.

I've made of bad habits, I'm constructed with lies and make-believe fairy tales.

I wear mens deodorant. I love the taste of blood. When walking past people in busy places I tend to make "broom" and "zoom" noises. I relate my mood to lyrics from songs and leave them all over the internet for other people to see. When on webcam I make rediculous faces. I'm textually appealing. My Dads taste in music influenced mine alot. I slept for over a day once. Most days I achive absolutely nowt. I know my limits, I still love getting wrecked though. This is my claim to fame. I love car parks. I'm becoming more socially acceptable, day by day, but I'm planning my unconventional comeback. I'm an independant mess, my tears dry on their own. I'm uninspired and I'm sick and tired. I have attractive calves. I'm not used to my full potential. I take my shoes off in public places. I don't think talking about the weather is 'small talk', I can really get into it if you let me. I could say I'll always be here for you but that would be a lie and quite a pointless thing to do. I've got a whole life ahead of me and I cant wait. Coffee mugs dominate my face. I lost the chip on my shoulder when you left but I'm better for it. I've got the most freckles, ever. I'm hopelessly devoted to you. I take pride in my virginity and I'm not ashamed to say I don't put out. I can live off of jelly and painkillers for a week, I know, impressive. I was born to hand jive, baby. I keep my attractive friends close but my amusing friends closer. Alot of the time, I think 'there are worse things I could do', then I see you and it confirms my theory. I love finding new places. I'm constantly convincing myself that I will find fame and make a million. I can feel and I can cry. I measure distances in hours because I know it annoys alot of people. I would tell you how unique and individual I am but you wouldn't believe me, so I'll say I'm funny looking, sounding and all around plain peculiar. I love perfect boys with their perfect ploys. I'm going to become bigger that all of you think. People hear me but no one actually listens. I've had a good run, I have to admit. I prefer my left foot to my right. I like music that is lyrically intelligent. All I want to be is in a dream. Fame and glory; I don't want anything inbetween. I find myself wondering "why wont the world revolve around me?" more often that the average 17 year old drop out. I put myself before my education. Sometimes I want to quit all of this and join the rest of the world but I'm too proud. I just ate my body weight in minstrels... I don't recomend it. I constantly want to scream "I love you" but I'm worried someone might hear me. I blame all of my problems on my upbringing and claim 'I don't know any better'. I can't explain a thing, I want everything to change and stay the same. I bought a stuffed toy and became so attached to it I went home that night and made it a bed. I will never believe in anything again. I am a constant on everyones msn friends list. I have commintment issues. I'm in the middle of a sexual identity crisis. I loved everything about you that hurts. I'm just trying to prove myself to the world. The universe isn't big enough for my ego.I'm afraid of reproductive organs. I speak fast and I'm not going to repeat myself, so listen carefully.I get headaches when I talk too much. I have more in my head that I bargained for. I have a phobia of eyes. I used to watch Robotwars and SMTV Live religiously as a child. I can't get laid in this town without these pointy fucking shoes. I am still obsessed with Pokemon. My happiness comes first in my life as it is My Life. I live in my own little, fabulous, self obsessed bubble. I know you all want in.

I've been working on this for a month and now that I read it... I can't help but ask myself, was it really worth it?

I Was Thinking; Epilogue.

The 7 part series really helped widen my views of each one of the poeple I wrote about and my feelings for them. Writing about them gave me a chance to realise how I actually felt at the time and how they might have felt too. That was good, taking their feelings into consideration as it is something I don't do very often.

Writing Part 5 made me realise I used to be an absolute wanker. I got good feedback on it, thank you Sammy. That post showed that girls can be that horrible "I don't really care" sort of male character in the relationship. I enjoyed writing that one the most as it's something I've never taken the time to actually go through in my head.

The finale, I felt, did the blog justice. I enjoyed writing it too, not as much as Part 5 though. Now that I've written it I feel more free to talk about that whole 'kefuffle' and everything else in life actually... I'm just glad I got everything out there.

Clem.

Clementine: What do you want, Joel?

Joel: I don't know. I want you to wait for... just a while.

Clementine: Okay.

Joel: Really?

Clementine: I'm not a concept, Joel. I'm just a fucked-up girl who's looking for my own peace of mind.

Clementine: I'm not perfect.

Joel: I can't see anything that I don't like about you. Right now I can't.

Clementine: But you will. But you will. You know, you will think of things, and I'll get bored with you and feel trapped... because that's what happens with me.

Joel: Okay.

Clementine: Okay.

Clementine isn't real, she's a make believe character. Clementine Kruczynski is the only person in the world that I think could actually understand some of the things that go around in my head. But she's not real.

Such as, "I don't know! I don't know! I'm lost! I'm scared! I feel like I'm disappearing! My skin is coming off! I'm getting old! Nothing makes any sense to me! Nothing makes any sense! ". I've felt like that recently, alot. Okay maybe my skin wasn't coming off but I was just as confused as she was. But she wasn't really, because she's not a real person. I don't believe my thinking is rational until I remember Clementine and think 'other people might feel like this too.'... but then I remember she's not a real person! That upsets me a bit and then leaves me back at square one, thinking I'm a bit of a weirdo. I've grown to accept that feeling though.

She's such a great woman though, a typical nut case. "Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours." She's a bit of an inspiration to me, that's probablt not a good thing but I've stopped caring what's right and wrong. The point I see in that quote is that I'm not here to help you, I'm just trying to help myself, I have my own business.

I want to know her life story, I want to know why she acts the way she does. I want to know who fucked her up. I want to know what her family were like. I want her to be real.

I Was Thinking; Finale.

"Do you believe in love at first sight? It's an illusion, I don't care. Do you believe I can make you feel better? Too much confusion, come on over here."

Todays the day, Ladies and Gents. You'll have heard this all before, it's that tragic tale I've been stringing along behind me and never letting go. If you don't know me, this should all sound like a big mess that you wont take very seriously because the human race couldn't care less. To all of you that do know me, you'll probably now think I'm actually really vulnerable. Don't let this silly story make you think any less of me.

A story.

The begining was fabulous. Typical summer love, just like in the movies. Combine summer love with teenage love and you have created something possible of creaping back into someones life and ruining their chances of complete happiness. Dramatic, I know, but that's the way this story goes. It was completely out of the ordinary, I didn't even know you, it was all on a whim. I was hung up on someone else and getting nowhere with it, then you appear, out of the blue and into my life. If i knew at the time I'd spend a month pining after you I wouldn't have spoken to you after that day... but you had walked right into my life, as casual as you like and I didn't know any better. I also didn;t know you'd walk just as easily back out.

That day was sunny. It was on the grass, I was sitting cross legged and Timmy was as high as a kite so he crashed out on my left leg. He got you high. You crashed out on the other leg. I started putting grass on Timmys face while he was asleep. Someone was about to put grass on you but I told them not to... I was far too nice to you. We talked for the rest of that day and exchanged phone numbers, your mobile was broken but I wrote mine down for you. The minute I got home my best friend was on the phone to me, "Do you want me to ask him out for you? You might as well, what's the worst that could happen?" and all of the rest of it. I guess, I just thought I might as well! Nothing that day was like it usually was, so I went for it. Just like she said.

You weren't so sure about it. I understand now, you knew you were leaving, I didn't, you knew you would have to leave me. No one leaves me. My cousin, my ever so over protective cousin, heard about the going-ons and talked you into saying yes. She also gave you the "upset her and I kill you" talk. I saw you the day after, you had jumped off the pier before I came out... smooth move, quite the Casinova. I think the first thing I said to you was "you smell like the Clyde". You did, you were soaking. I held your hand anyway. I ended up smelling like the clyde too. People kept on walking past us that day and asking, "oh my God, you guys?! Seriously?!". I was loving it. I was loving you. I hate that.

The time we spent together was good.

The day you left was the begining of it all. You told me the day before, just to remind me, "I'm leaving tomorrow.", as if I'd forget. I just replied, "I know.". When you did leave, it was rather abrupt. You gave me the common and over used 'we need to talk', I gave you a witty 'talking is nice' but then you said something along the lines of 'in private' and pulled me away. I knew it was coming, it was so blatantly obvious. I don't even remember what you said, I doubt I was listening at all, but it did register in my head. I don't think we ever did have a proper goodbye, that one certainly wasn't, a hug and you walked away. As far as I knew, I would never see you again. I wandered off to the seat behind the fun box. I cried. I don't know when I stopped, it felt like forever.

I spent almost 3 weeks in town, crying my eyes out and shutting myself off from the world. At the time, it didn't seem like 'depression', I thought that was for people with dead parents or drug habits. The more I think about it, the more I realise that I was really fucked up. I started to cut myself then. I didn't see the problem until someone really close to me had an accident related to self harm. It didn't stop me though... I really should have. I was safe about it though, don't worry. I still have the scars, they're very faint though. I love them all the same, they'll stay with me for the rest of my life.

I hit a point when I thought to myself, "stop your whining, he's not coming back, not for you, grow up and get a grip." and I did. I 'moved on' and started going for guys like I go for coffee. I don't think I'll ever stop being like that, just picking up and dropping boys as I please. I blame you, you did the exact same to me.

We eventually, by eventually I mean about 2 months later, got back in contact. I told you of all my love escapades and how hapy I was with my life. You were still single, I was happy. You told me you missed me and I caved. I gave in, I told you the same and I was back at square one. I had a boyfriend, I 'loved' him and he 'loved' me but we still talked about "what do you think would happen if I stayed?" and all of the rest of it. I was naive to reply with "we'd still be together", I'm starting to doubt that now. You were my best friend then, I called you every other day and ran up a rediculous phone call all for the sake of keeping in contact.

You got my hopes up and pulled me straight back to reality, alot. You told me you were coming to visit, alot. You didn't, alot.

When you did eventually visit I was happy. I knew exactly what was coming though; you were going to leave me for a second time. I tried not to get too attatched but you made it very hard. You would show up outside my door asking to go walking. You knew I couldn't say no to you, you must have.

I remember the day before you left again, I don't think you remember as you were smoking with the guys earlier on. I'd be happier thinking you don't remember. I was a state. I actually let you see me crying. It did make the next day alot easier to deal with though, I'd already said what I needed to, it was just a case of goodbye. I wrote you a letter, I was meant to give you it that day but I didn't. I still have it.

I think I'm used to you leaving now. I'm used to you not being here too. Pretty much, I'm used to life without you now. A part of me will always hate you for everything you've ever done to upset me. For every time you've told me about the girls you're with, for every story of how drunk you got last weekend and for every time you've pretended to care about me. Because guess what? If you did, you wouldn't fight me. You wouldn't argue with me. You wouldn't have let me become what I am.

I can't hold a relationship these days. I can't handle my own life. I can't be like a normal girl. I can't do anything correctly and I blame you for it all. You made me miserable. You'll say "there was nothing I could do", but I'll say make me hate you. If I hated you it would make more sense. I get half of you, I get to be your friend and I can't do that. I want either you or nothing to do with you. I will always have a place for you though. I want you to know, if you ever feel like abandoning your life and all your responsibilities make sure you let me know. You know I'd drop everything. That's the effect, I think, you have on me. That, and you twist my words and then use them against me.

Everything you have ever done to me has shaped me into who I am today and I couldn't be happier with who I am. Okay, so every time we talk it is slightly soul-crushing but I love the drama just as mch as you do. You break me but each time I pull myself back together again and each time, I'm stronger. I just hope one day you don't push me to the point of no return. "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." I hate everything you do, so much, it's almost rediculous. You're the best first love I could have asked for, you've made my life a living hell and I wouldn't expect any less. I hope you're miserable with your life, I'd only be happy if I was with you or if I knew you were miserable without you. I'm a horrible person, I know, but you can't help the way you feel... right?

I can't wait till you read this. The aftermath will be blog worthy. You fuel my writing, you're helping me further my dream of becoming well known. Ha, one day I might actually be able to thank you! Not today though.

I Was Thinking; Part 6.

This will probably end up as one of the most embarrassing things I have ever written but I had to get around to it eventually, ans no doubt you've been itching to read what I have to say about you. You are going to read this some time tonight, so whatever you do just don't bring it up in conversation, because I'll end up freezing up. You know how I get when I'm talking about these things, I freak out, alot.

It must have all started some time in 3rd year, in our most wonderful English class. Thank goodness we were in the same class, I doubt we'd be friends at all if I wasn't in that class with you. You sat beside Danielle so I stole your seat. Typical me really, not taking other peoples' feelings into consideration. We started talking some time then, I'm not sure when I realised I 'fancied' you. It actually embarrasses me to say that. You should seriously see me face right now, I look like I'm about to punch someone. No offence!

You were in my Art and Graphics classes too. In both I did not sit with you. In Art you sat with Tamsin, someone I did not like, and in Graphics you were at the other end of the room. We hardly spoke really, I wasn't that into you at that point, it was during the summer (I think) that it all properly kicked off.

So, summer? I can't figure this all out in my head, I've got all the timing wrong. I was going to get Danielle to talk to you one day but I met Jake instead. Now knowing the bigger picture, I should have just gone ahead with all my plans, but Danielle said I should just go for it with him instead, which I did. There was one night, a few days after that day, you were with Danielle and Colin I think, and you said it was good that I'd moved on from you (or something along those lines, remember my memory is aweful), wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear but c'est la vie.

Then there was that rediculous camp-out, just after the day with the phone booth incident. You know how it went, basically, we were then we werent; end of. I did not take it well, that day in James Street. Not much else I can say on that really... We didn't talk much after that.

In 4th year you got moved up to set 2 maths and into the seat behind me, happy days for me! Here's one of the most rediculous things you'll probably ever read; I used to write notes with just casual things like "you out 2night?" or whatever, but I got all embarrassed and never passed you them... I remember just thinking that you'd think I was being really weird and acting like a big girl. So, if I haven't thrown out my 4th year books, if you tip the jotter upside down a thousand little bits of paper all saying "out 2night?" and "how r u?" would fall out.

It was later in 2007 you caused more fuss. That whole thing with me and you and Laura. I didn't like her. You got my hopes up for nothing! I was back to hating you again for a while. I can't remember how long it lasted, me not liking you, but I'm sure it was a while... I'm good at holding grudges. You've already apologised for that, but as I always say; sorry doesn't change anything. It still happened.

At the begining of 2008 I started again. It was just a re-occuring problem! We went shopping for the dress up party. I went home that night thinking "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!". The next day you got with Emma. Again, I wasn't happy but by that time we were good friends so I just brushed it off. The she dumped you and I dumped Dicky and a bing, bam, boom! it happens again. We wnt out for about a month and a half? It was fun but after a while it didn't feel right. That sucks but I guess that's the way it is.

Last summer, there was all of that nonsence at the party, I'm not going to get into that because we've spoken about it and it's a thing of the past now.

What I mean to say is, you're my best friend and probably the best ex I will ever have! I like that we have possibley the most complicated story of how we know each other. After everything, I think I can safely say that it has only made us better friends.

I Was Thinking; Part 5.

You're not the same as all the others, you have one distinct feature which places you in a whole legue of your own, you're a girl. You're my only ex girlfriend but I can assure you there will most likely be plenty more.

It all started in a phone booth, a £5 bet brought us together. That was our first run in. The day after that I started going out with the man that made the bet. I'm not sure what happened after that. Our little incident with the telephones made everyone believe that I was "bi", people were asking me for the rest of that day, "Are you's going out then?" and the such like, I replied with 'I don't know's and 'I don't think so's. Really, I should have just said No because we weren't. I always thought you were purely in it for the money... although, you were all over me that day. A while after that we had a love triangle, I let Gary have you. I'm such a good friend.

We were involved in another bet at Halloween, I told Dan that if he 'got off with' Laura then I'd 'get off with' you. I hate the term 'got off with', it's so vulgar. I was going out with Kris at the time but he couldn't make it to the party and I wasn't happy. I shouldn't have made that bet, It made me a bad person really, I was ineffectively cheating. You seemed pretty up for it, you were always sitting on my knee and hand cuffing yourself to me. You were giving me the green light, when I set the deal with Dan you didn't object. I was just as up for it as you were. I don;t think I saw you for the rest of that night, after it happened. I did clock onto you sitting on the steps with Slade, you looked as if you'd been crying. Guilt is a horrible feeling. Andrew, with no delay, then confronted me, "Why?". He's a good friend of yours, he was right, I should have known better.

Learning from my mistakes is something I do not do well. I stayed at yours on New Years with a couple of our friends. We got very, very drunk... you more so than anyone. Ever-wise Andrew didn't drink back then, and good on him, he just watched over. I was very aware of that. We did kiss a few times that night, blaming it on dares and spin the bottle. It was the same as when you got your braces off, I'm not sure if this was before or after New Years though, you asked me to kiss you, purely to see if it made much of a difference. It didn't but I told you it did. Where was I? Kris called that night, he said he'd come and visit but he never did. He was full of hollow promises like that but I 'loved' him. Just after coming off the phone, Naomi asked me if I liked you. I said no. I'm a liar. She said that you liked me and wanted to know how I felt. I wasn't into the thing we had going on as much as you were.

The summer after that I finally plucked up the courage to ask my friend to ask you out. I couldn't do it, I don't know why. I did try, we took a walk down the pier and I just froze up. I left Charlotte to do my dirty work for me. It was shirt lived, a week or so. The will they, wont they finally did. Once I finally had you the whole idea of us lost its appeal.

I do still think you're one of the most beautiful girls I know but you're not for me. You probably think the same.

I Was Thinking; Part 4.

You were rediculously nice to me, to everyone, and you still are. You're the only person that willingly came to me on my birthday and endured a day of my mates slagging you off as if you couldn't hear them. I just hope you didn't hear them, I'd hate for you to think I associate myself with people like that.

You were one of the many that I met in The Cat House. You remembered my name, that's how we got talking. I remembered yours because everyone called you 'Swannie' and I thought it was rediculous. I walked into your life quite like no one else ever has, or atleast that's what you told me, and I liked that. You always reminded me that I'd made a big impact on the way you saw things, changed your perspective on life. That didn't stop you talking about the same things day in, day out.

It was selfish of me to 'dump' you because I thought you were boring. It wasn't that I found you boring, you were full of little interesting things, but when you hear the same stories over and over for a week straight... it becomes boring. I blamed it on the distance. You'll find that I tend to throw around the Distance excuse like there's no tomorrow.

Distance was a problem though, you lived somewhere I never even heard of before. I know it was two trains away from me, one away from Glasgow, meaning about 2 hours of travel. I could only afford Glasgow every second weekend. You ended up coming through in the evenings, you told me enthusiastically of your plans, that when I went back to school, you'd come through to Helensburgh. If you did, you'd only be with me, here, for a couple of hours then you'd have to head home. I didn't like it.

I started to feel slightly chlostraphobic. There was no reason for me to feel enclosed but I did. You were making an effort to see me because you actually wanted to, and I didn't feel quite the same.

You introduced me to the best movie in existance. I'm glad you're still my friend. I didn't try as much as I should of, but even if I did, I don't think I could have changed what happened.

I Was Thinking; Part 3.

We lasted forever... 7 months and a week to be exact. I liked you and you liked me. Apparently it was love, atleast thats what we told each other. The first time you said you loved me was over the phone, one of those "I'm about to hang up" things, it wasn't even "I love you", just "love you". That was a few months into it.

You fancied me, I didn't actually like you like that. Apparently you wanted to make a move on me at a camp out, I didn't know about this until a while after we got together. It took you about a week to actually ask me out, you sent me a text saying something like "there was somehting I was going to ask you but you went home" and you didn't get around to asking me for ages! I already knew though, I got one of my friends to find out. We weren't even friends, we never were, but it worked.

I didn't talk to you in school, sometimes we walked to class together but that would have been a one-off. You spent your lunch times at the tree, I didn't smoke so I had no reason to be out there, I stayed inside with all the 'emo's' at the hobo corner and the radiator. You did see me after school atleast three days a week. We didn't spend weekends together. I didn't like your friends. I hardly even liked you that much, come to think of it.

I almost dumped you... more than you know! Once every couple of months I'd think, "what's the point?" but then I realised there was no point, it was just fun and nice and I should be happy with that. I liked that you'd text me at 2 in the morning with the most pointless texts, asking if I'm awake or how I was... tired would have been the answer.

I was happy... but I was also very, very young! I was 14, not old enough to understand. Although, I thought I was. If we left it a few more years maybe, until we were more mature, I think we could have made it work. But you will always have that 'I don't give a shit' attitude that you do with all your girlfriends.

I Was Thinking; Part 2.

You are a sleeze. I didn't know exactly what 'scum of the earth' meant until I met you. I've not seen you keep the same friends for the whole time I've known you, a good few years now. I find it hard to keep up with what girl you're with now, as far as I know you've found someone and you've been with her for a few months now, well done. You're shameless. I love it.

It was instant attraction, those kind of things don't happen to me. You were around the back of Borders. God knows what I was doing there, I was terrified by the people at Borders and Central... but now I feel very at home woth them. Charlotte must have been meeting someone. I me you shortly after some guy tried to convince us to give him money because Jesus loves us all. You were better dressed than me. It was a catty night, I was in my vest and netting top, pink and plack stripey drainpipes and skirt. You had just left Primark, cutting the colar and cuffs off of a shirt and wearing them with your white tracksuit. I had to know you. Lucky for me you were also going to the Cat House that night.

I managed to get your number, funny story actually but I wont bother. You didn;t text me back for a week or so. You always have been great at being a wanker, You did kiss me that night, alot, especially when me and CharBear were halfway through conversation, she hated that, but you sent me all of the signals and then didn't text me. Drama, I love it.

I can't remember what happened after that, but I did see you again in Novermber or December of 2007. I met you out of coincidence, I was actually shopping with Scott Hopper. You kissed me again. I was hooked, again. Not complaining though, I thought you were excellent. I never did spend any proper time with you though, I was always busy or you just didn't to... I'd still find you and say hello and you seemed more than happy to see me.

It was Sarahs bitrthday, end of January, when I decided to text you and ask where was it all going. You bluntly told me that you didn't want to be in a relationship right now, and that was it really, we carried on as usual. When Valentines Day came, I didn't see you, you had no money and I didn't have enough to go to yours.

You got a girlfriend some time after that, I was not happy in the slightest. I would have been happier if you hadn't lied to me. You wanted a girlfriend, you just didn't want me for a girlfriend. I realise now, but didn;t at the time, that you are an utter slime ball. You are so care free, it's not a good kind of care free, it's just careless now. You're in your own little bubble... I couldn;t possibley admire you more, you're doing exactly what I want, you're doing what you want.

I Was Thinking;

Of doing a series of blogs based on people I know and what I have to say about or relationships. To make it all the more fun for yourselves, I'm not going to say who's who! You'll find, or atleast I'm planning, that alot of the series will be on ex's. I'm good at being angry at ex's.

Part One-

I was spying on people through the internet yesterday, it's what I do when I get bored, and I caame across you. You actually scrub up quite well. Image is never an ussue with me, you could wear a bin bag for all I care, but I think you got the look you are going for pretty spot on. My friend, she was with me at the time, commented on your nice skin, I think you get it from your family. My point is, I say you and I got thinking.

I don't think I made the decision to end it on my own. I was influenced by alot of my friends, which is silly really because it's expected from them. Most of them can't accept anything that's not themselves. I'm not saying I didn't mean what I said, I meant all of it, I couldn't do it anymore because it wasn't working.

I don't know how you wanted me to act. I always felt like I was doing something wrong around you, you never looked cofortable. Me, I'm always looking as if I'm at home but that's because I usually am. Whenever we grabbed coffee I was at home, I'd sprawl across the sofa as if it was my own. I didn't feel like you aproved of that or me taking my shoes off all of the time. I can't be anyone else but myself.

I do miss it all. I miss the way you walk, weirdly enough, at the time I hated it, I thought you looked like an idiot! And the fact you had thinner legs than me, I didn't like that. I don't miss hugging you. I didn't hug you often enough, I should have hugged you more. What I should have doe was give it a bit more time as see how I actually felt.

You're a nice enough guy but nice isn't what a bitch is looking for. You were too subtle and you read me completely wrong, although I can't really blame you for that seeing as yoou never got a proper chance to know me.

Who Gives You The Right?

To ask Smiddy how he is then carry on walking, not actually waiting for his reply, who gave you the right to so blatantly ignore him? Who? Who was it? Take me to them and I'll show them that you can't just do that. That'll teach that group of the population. They shouldn't be allowed to do that. I agree with you, Smiddy!

And who gave you the right to say that boys can stay out later than girls? I know there are differences between girls and boys, yadda yadda, I get it, but I want to be allowed to be able to stay out with my friends without you thinking I'm gonig to get mugged/raped/murdered. Have I not said a thousand times before, I can take care of myself.

On that note; who gives you the right to give me a right earfull about how I'm takign a big risk staying over at someones house that I've never been to before and smoking. This is coming from the same person that went out on saturday and can't remember half of the evening. Did I manage by myself? Yes. I got there and home alone and while money and dignity to spare. Go me. There's nothing I can ask you to do though to stop me acting like such a dick now. Sorry doesn't seem to work on me.

Who gives you the right to just blank me? I was and still am only ever nice to you but you've not bothering with me anymore. I must have meant nothing to you, right? And I thought you were different. I'm only sure that you didn't mean it now when you were drunk and you started spouting all that crap of how you really liked me... then again, it's my fault for letting myself get that way.

I love bad moods. They make for good, spontanious writing.

I'm A Big Girl Now.

My Dad's always been protective of me. I understand why though, I am still his little girl. We've always had a bond. For as long as I can remember I've given im a hug every night before I go to sleep. When I was younger, I used to always pick him over my Mum. Obviously, I now realise that there is no choosing between parents, it's impossible, but when I was young I thought he was the coolest guy around... I still do. Unlike my Mum, my Dad would give me nicknames; Tinker Bell, Toots, Heather Bell, Petal Bang, ect. He's my best friend.

Even now, I think he's the funniest guy around. He understands my humor and likes my sarcasm. Sometimes he tries to hard to take control of me and my Brother, because it's not his job, it's always been my Mums, but we don't let him. Because he is my best friend he can't tell me what to do.

My Dad doesn't like me staying at boys houses or going to parties with boys. He doesn't mind that I spend more time with boys than girls, I think that's because it makes me a bit more tom-boyish therefor I don't act like most daughters and completely ignore their fathers because they know nothing about fashion or the latest trends. I don't mind if my Dad knows nothing about what's hip and happening because I don't either. I love my Dads jumpers, they're lovely and cosy. I used to always take his fleeces when I wasn't feeling well. I still have a couple of his t-shirts that I use and pyjama tops too.

My Dad still sees me like he used to. I am 17 now. I try to remind him that I'm not his little princess anymore. I walk up to him say "Dad, check how tall I am! I'm taller than you now!" but he'll just reply with "You're still my little girl though." or something. He always tells me I'm not allowed any boyfriends until I'm 40 and I can't get married until I'm 50 and I'm not moving out until I'm 60... on the other hand my mum can't wait to get me out of the house. If only he knew the half of it. I'd love to just walk up to him and tell him I've had almost 10 boyfriends and I've dated a few people and I've had a girlfriends and there's probably going to be more to come. His face would drop instantly.

I don't want to upset my Dad, ever. I'll be his princess for as long as I can. I'll keep my act together in the mean time. I'll keep him sweet.

But I am a big girl now. I can look after myself. I don't need people worrying about me. Kapeesh?

Tales Of Mere Existance.

I am going to quote you the whole script of one of Lev's videos because... well, because I can and I have the free time. I can relate to this one, so I'm doing this more for me that anyone else really. I really liked this video, it really hit home.

How We Managed To Not Really Date Each Other;


FEBRUARY

Her: I don't usually meet people this way. One day I stumbled on this really cynical blog, the guy who wrote it seemed to bleak and funny that, on a whim, I e-mailed him and asked if he'd like to get a drink.
Him: I got her note and I looked her up on myspace, her pictures were blurry but she was 22 and, y'no, I thought that was kinda hot.
Her: We got to the bar and started with the Getting To Know You stuff, I told him how I'd just gone to this talk where David Foster Wallice and Rick Moody had talked about how fiction writers these days don't often write about real poli-
Him: I was thinking to myself, "Yeah, she goes to Berkeley, alright."
Her: We talked for a while and then his phone rang. I'd had a few drinks and figured it was another girl...
Him: It was my Mom but I kinda wanted her to think it was another girl.
Her: When he was done with the phone he came back to the table and said all enthusiasticly, "Hey, let's go for a walk!".
Him: I figured if we went outside it would reduce the risk of getting a drink thrown in my face if I grabbed her and kissed her... which I did.
Her: Guys don't mistake me for a one-night-stand kind of girl. I was wondering, why does he think I want to kiss him? But I kissed him back... I guess I just figured, what the hell.
Him: I could tell she was a little uncomfortable so I don't think I pushed too hard. We went to my place for a little while.
Her: I was there for about an hour and he actually thought it was a good idea to show me his playboy magazines...
Him: Wait-wait-wait, those were vintage playboy magazines and I was just trying to show you how funny the old advertisements are.
Her: I couldn't believe it. I was thinking, what a slime ball, what a weirdo.
Him: I wasn't sure what kind of impression I had made.
Her: I figured he'd give up because I didn't sleep with him. I was really suprised when he called the next day.


MARCH

Him: I think we dated for about a month.
Her: I think we had sex for about a month.
Him: I started to like her more than I expected to but there was some kind of barier in the way and I could never figure out what it was.
Her: Every time I'd really start to like and feel comfprtable with him, he'd say something... not about me, about someone else that struck me as overly harsh and judgemental. I didn't want him to judge me that way.
Him: Y'know, I liked that she had such a sharp 'bull shit' detector, but I sure hated it when she used it on me. I couldn't do anything cool without her calling me on it.
Her: I felt like he was trying too hard to impress me, he seemed a little too into his karate uniform and zippo tricks.
Him: Every time I did the thing where you open and light the zippo on your leg, she would just start laughing at me.
Her: I did like him but I just couldn't let myself trust him.
Him: Then one day she said on the phone that she didn't want to hang out for a while because she didn't want to like me too much.
Her: And I guess you could say, that was that.


AUGUST

Her: I wanted to see how he was doing, so I e-mailed him. I don't remember what I said but I did my best to sound friendly and happy.
Him: I was glad to hear from her. I wrote back and did my best to sound smug and arogant.
Her: Why were you being suck a dick?
Him: It goes like this; my friend, Sean, always got more girls than I did and I was just trying to say cocky and aloof things the way that he does.
Her: I would never, never, never date your friend, Sean.
Him: It's actually very nice to hear you say that, thank you.
Her: Your welcome.
Him: Anyway, being a dick didn;t seem to work on her, but I'd just got this basket at the thrift store so I asked her if she wanted to go on a pic-nic.
Her: When's anyone else gonna ask me on a pic-nic?
Him: So we sat on the edge of this big lake and we talked like we hadn't talked before.
Her: He confessed his love of Dragnette.
Him: She said she's always wanted to be like Agent 99 on Get Smart.
Her: We drank a bottle of wine.
Him: And then we went back to her place. We didn't sleep together but we did fall asleep.


SEPTEMBER

Her: I started calling him when something good or funny happened during the day.
Him: I did the same and I was starting to really get into it.
Her: You weren't really that into it...
Him: ... That's so typical of you.
Her: What do you mean?
Him: Every time we started getting closer you'd deliberatley throw a wrench into it.
Her: I wouldn't say that,
Him: Y'know, you never once complimented me or told me I was cute or anything.
Her: ... I know.
Him: Why?
Her: Because you know it.
Him: Not all the time.
Her: Sure you do.
Him: Even if I did, it would be nice to hear it from you.
Her: Why?
Him: Just because.


NOVEMEBER

Him: She was out of town for a few weeks and she called me to say that she really missed me.
Her: He said he couldn't wait for me to get home.
Him: We hadn't talked about if we were dating or not but I was planning to bring it up.
Her: He was always telling me that I meant alot to him.
Him: She would always say that she loved talking to me.
Her: He said I was one of the smartest people he knew.
Him: Then she told me that I reminder her of a great literary character.
Her: Dosteovsky's "The Idiot".
Him: I didn't know what I was supposed to think about that. She would give me these little jabs sometimes to kind of put me in my place.
Her: That's not what I was doing at all.
Him: The book's called The Idiot, it's pretty easy to make that mistake, don't you think?
Her: Well, maybe if you read the book...
Him: Look, I'll get to it!
Her: And then he got really, really drunk at this party we went to...
Him: That's because you were talking to that conceptial poet guy with the glasses all night.
Her: He was a really nice and intelligent man!
Him: I'm sure he's read the idiot...
Her: What about that time I came over just as you were kissing one of your Girlfriends goodbye?
Him: Elizabeth is just a friends and I told you that, and I kiss alot of my friends on the forehead.
Her: Oh, really?
Him: Maybe I was just seeing if you'd get jelous because you never seem to give a shit.
Her: It didnt make me jelous, it just made me totally confused.
Him: Look, what do you want?
Her: I don't know, why don't you tell me what you want first?
Him: No, you first.
Her: No, you first!
Him: Tell me what do you want!
Her: No, what do you want?!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CXBZSV0FaVE&feature=channel

Dating Agency;

F/17/UK
I like going to the cinema, coffee and caravaning. I like long walks in the evening with loads of chat. I like quaint little coffee shops that you can discover while on your long walks. I am single and spend most of my time planning how my future would be if I was in a relationship with random people I see. I am not afraid of anything, I just need to know that I can breath. I don't know much about anything. I am small and the world is big, I am surrounded by things, fast moving. To be specific, I am roughly 5 foot and a bit. I am short but I don't mind because apparently there is nothing interesting on the top shelves anyway.
I have a GSOH and can think of loads of fun things to do. In my spare time I do sweet fuck-all because I'm a lazy git. I am often found wandering around looking for people. I keep an active social life and live by a strict 'bro's before hoes' policy. I am blonde and have a brain. I am not curvy and I'm not thin, I'm a happy medium. I'm not content with my Happy Medium and I'm not happy with the size of my posterior. I want to be anything but ordinary. I like to scream, it makes me feel alive. I'm the best damn thing you've ever seen. I'm so laid back; I'm horizontal. I can always look on the bringt side even when there is no bright side. I want to get into bungee jumping.

I am terrified of crawly bugs and spiders, heights, commitment and trying new food. I hate people telling me what to do and people that aren't comfortable in their own skin. I disagree with hard drugs and casual sex. I am a nun in training. I am a virgin for all the right reasons. I know my own limits when it comes to eating, drinking and smoking, 'everything in moderation'. Sometimes, I give myself the creeps, somethimes, my mind plays tricks on me. I don't like people being late and not letting me know. I'm more tom-boy that most 'girls', I prefer the company of men but most of my boyfriends don't like that. Fall back, take a look at me and see that I'm for real, I feel only what I can feel but if that doesn't appeal to you then let me know, and I'll go because I'm better when my colours show. I am capable of anything, my friends just haven't realised yet that I don't need to be looked after. I'm alot to handle but I don't need you to handle me, I can handle myself. My independance is starting to ruin my life. I'm charged with teenage rage and adolescent anger but I can't find a healthy way of venting it.


WLTM; M/17-19/UK
Man of similar interests. I am comfortable with feminine men, more than comfortable. Looking for someone for fun times out and maybe more. If you feel you are sane enough to handle my crazy, or crazy enough to know how to relate and deal with it, contact me on my MySpace;
http://www.myspace.com/delilahmadonna
If you think you can knock me off of my feet, please let me know.

Let Love Be Your Energy.

I like having boys on demand. It's a nice feeling. It's nice to know people are interested in me. I've given up on being interested on guys... but don't get me wrong, I have a tendancy to not turn down a guy, that doesn't make me a slut. I just love getting to know people, and this is a means of doing so.

"All the best women are married, all the handsome men are gay." Here's the thing, I'm not attracted to men. I'm not a lesbian but I don't fancy guys or women for that matter. I do have a thing for men that look like women, but thats just lust, I don't like the actual people and if I'm right, which I usually am, they lady boys are most likely into lady boys too.

Do you not find that when you are interested in someone and you find out they 'fancy' you too, you dismiss it. It's unthinkable. I get that, alot. But it actually, in my head, seems impossible. Yet, to everyone else it's obvious. I don't know where I'm going with this.

I want what I used to have back. Our little arrangement; meeting up at weekends, getting wasted, texting throughout the week and doing what couples do. I don't blame you for not showing me the slightest bit of attention, after all, I did try to reel you in and trap you. Constantly having my friends ask why we're not going out or then telling you to ask me out... I can be honest and say, if you had, things would have been much worse. We wouldn't have lasted a week. But we lasted 3 months. I'll never be happy.

Does that make me a shit person? Wanting to juggle as many men as possible just to feel better about myself. Well, yeah, it does. But I'm sure the guys know I'm a head mess before they get involved. He knew, because he'd witnessed me and how I acted around guys, seeing as I did go out with his best friend for a month. That also makes me a bad person, going for the ex's best friend, I've heard it's not the done thing.
it makes sense though, why you wouldn't. Coming between two friends, two really close ones, isn't a nice thing to do and I wouldn't be having it if someone tried to do that to me. it's only a problem if you let it be though. Oh, here's something I can write about for days!

Now, I understand, bro's before hoes and all the rest of it. But if your ex goes for your best friend, that shouldn't mean that they're in the wrong or that your friend is. It's only a problem if you make it. And you've got to look at all the reasons why you'd make it a problem, I bet you it's 'cause you still have a bit of a thing for the person intruding your friendship. There's no other explination really. It's a bit selfish if you don't let them have a go at it, they could be meant for each other for all you know.

Coming from me, this is all nonsense, I know nothing of relaionships and this is baised completely on what I've observed.
Ladyhawke – Paris Is Burning

Achieve.

Rumaging through my brain, ever day, and spitting out words like they're important. I don't know what I'm trying to do, trying to gain something from my own misunderstanding. I wish I could be content with my lot but that's not me. Then again, what is me? I'm meant to be unpredictable, aren't I? Maybe I should stop acting like I'm a mental wreck and shock the world.

I realised today, I can safely say that I'm through with this whole thing we've had. Our friendships main component was hate... and I'm cool with that. I've done almost everything I can to drive you away.

I've almost caught up with my 1ooth post. It'll be great.

I hope.

Between The Bars.

Drink up, baby, stay up all night. Things you could do, you won't but you might. The potential you'll be that you'll never see, the promises that you'll only make. Drink up with me now and forget all about the pressure of days, do what I say. And I'll make you okay and drive them away; the images stuck in your head. People you've been before that you don't want around anymore, that push and shove and won't bend to your will... I'll keep them still. Drink up, baby, look at the stars, I'll kiss you again between the bars where I'm seeing you there with your hands in the air, waiting to finally be caught. Drink up one more time and I'll make you mine. Keep you apart, deep in my heart. Separate from the rest, where I like you the best and keep the things you forgot. The people you've been before that you don't want around anymore that push and shove and won't bend to your will... I'll keep them still.

Disasters Happen, Or I Am One.

I want new things. I want material things, new clothes and make up and hair that will fix its self and a fridge that fills its self and self-cleaning house. I want updated, I want to get taller and thinner and prettier and get bigger boobs and a smaller bum and bigger eyes. I want to live, drink less coffee, eat less chocolate and stop being so stubborn when it comes to food. I want to stop being so stubborn and just let someone fucking love me for a change. Argh.

Remember when I met that guy in my dream? I met another one last night. Not the same guy though, completely different, he had darker hair I think... and wasn't as tall. He was ten times better too! I was so disapointed whe I woke up and realised I hadn't been with him, I never actually listened to him talking and I don't actually know who he is. I wish I could live forever in my dreams. Do you think it;s possible? Somewhere, at some point in your life...

Ofcourse it's not possible. But why do I keep meeting these people in my head? Where do they come from? I can't just be pulling them out of thin air, can I? I hope not. Maybe I've constructed them, in my head, out all all the bits of people that I like to create this monserous amount of brilliant and I've fallen in love with it. I do this all the time, it's nothing new to me. I see people and fall for them... But I don't know them. I don't want to know them, I might not like them anymore, I might hate them for all I know. I don't want to ruin the dream.

Urgh, I hate my dreams. My little breaks from reality are wonderful but I don't want a temporary break, take me away permanently please.

Everlong.

A song that I love more than anything or anyone. Listen to it, from the Skin And Bones album, Foo Fighters.
Linkage?
Foo Fighters – Everlong
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFqXoSxh5jQ

Now, let me walk you through this song. Keep in mind that I'm using the timing from Spotify and I'm not sure wiehter it will be the same as youtube.
When I hear the first second of it, I get the most bizarre feeling in my tummy. When everyone starts to cheer, 'cause they know exactly what's coming; an excellent song. I don't know why it is so special to me. This version of the song is my favourite because it's acoustic and live, two things the Foo's do best. About 40 seconds in, "tonight, I throw myself into...", makes me all warm and fuzzy! Mainly because you can just hear the croud singing along, very vaguely if you listen carefully, it sounds wonderful. At 48 seconds, the do-do-doo's... Just brilliant.

I'm not going to go on any longer about every sound in the song, you can go see for yourself. The Foo Fighters have always been a big favourite of mine. I first heard them when I stayed at my cousin Stephanies flat, years ago. She put them on, I think it was My Hero, and I said "oh, thats on an advert"... how stupid of me to think that they were just advert material when they are so much more! They're music isn't exactly the kind that makes you stand back and takes your breathe away... but, dude, seriously, how much better can it get? They've done nothing I hate.

I hate sounding lame. I will stop now.

That's The Way, Uhuh Uhuh, I Like It.

"Old enough to know better, to young to care."

I want to be Lyla Diamond. A spontanious, fun-loving teen that lives to love and loves life. I have a life filled with excitement, constantly getting into humorous situations. I have an excellent family, a mother that gives me space, a father that gives me freedom and a brother that treats me like a human. I plan to leave school and persue a career that I'll love.

I am Heather Cameron. A head-in-the-clouds teen that's constantly getting into trouble and tricky situations. I have all the friedns in the world but only 4 that I feel are worth it, the rest are not my friends by choice, merely because we don't know any better. My house is filled with lies and arguements. I don't get along with my mother because I am turning into her and I can't stand it. I' failing secondary school and will be lucky to make it through college without changing my mind.

I was Delilah Debonair/Delilah Madonna Awesomeness. A confused adolescent that wants to break the mold for the sake of arguement. Using my stubborness to agrivate my mother, even though it was never her fault for me being the age I was.

I will never be happy with my lot, it's in my nature to cause a fuss. I hate that I'm horrible but there's just so much I can't put up with. Sometimes I can't get my head around some peoples habits an that's why I snap. I know I could be worse. Surely, if it was that big a deal, I wouldn't have any friends? My mother would have thrown me out of the house and I'd be alone, surely...

I'll never understand myself, but why would I want to? Sure, life would be easier, I'd be able to control my emotions and hide/show them properly. But I wouldn't be me, I wouldn't be that crazy girl! I'd be no fun. "Just another number".

Are You In?

You.
bick·er
intr.v. bick·ered, bick·er·ing, bick·ers
1. To engage in a petty, bad-tempered quarrel; squabble. See Synonyms at argue.
You're in it for the agruements, the drama. You don't see what we have/had as a friendship, you see it as a vent, a place to go and take out your anger. It's not fair on me. I shouldn't have to put up with your need to feel loved. I don't love you, I couldn't care less if we never spoke again.
It shows. You can tell, when you talk, how you develop the conversation. You say things and expect me to console you when you feel down. I've never been one to give in, I'm not going to change my attitude towards you because you need to feel that I care.
Face it, I don't care anymore, I stopped caring when you started lying.

You're in it for the fun. I can tell you want the friendship. I'm content with what we have, it's new and fun and exciting. It's nice to meet someone that'll be nice when I tell them to stop it. You're niceness is rediculous, I would never be able to do what you do. To me, I doubt you can do anything wrong. You never stop giving. I feel that I should give you something back, for all of the niceness and such, but that's not a very me thing to do.

You're in it for the understanding, the someone to talk to. You can talk to me about God knows what and know that I'm just as weird therefor wont give you a loom that says "let's pretend you never said it". I'm in it for all the same reasons though. We never run out of conversation, which has to be a good thing. I don't know why you put up with me, it's stupid really, because I say some really nasty things. Then again, that's me and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Friendship is something I take very seriously, even though it's rediculously laid back. My social life is great, I'm who you go to if you want to go out, looking for weekend plans or whatever. I can arrange you anthing because I know who's doing what, where and when. I love that I have my friends, the good ones. I've got a great bunch of them. A handful of them are the best.

That Girl.

This morning, the msn homepage has provided me with "30 mistakes women should make before they're 30". The top 30 includes things that I am now happy knowing other people have done to, not just me, such as chatting up a gay guy, dating two guys at once, getting drunk infront of your parents... But there's one that stands out that I doubt I'll do before or after I'm 30.

"Being 'that girl'.
The definition of 'that girl' is very broad, but most people know one. She's generally the person who can be found dancing on the bar, flirting with anything that has two legs and being carried or escorted home at the end of a night out. You get the picture."

I do know many of those girls. I have friends like that. I love my friends, but I hate girls that act like that. I will never be That Girl. That Girl that uses her assets and the fact that she's a woman to manipulate people. Don't get me wrong, if you've got it; flaunt it, but leading men on and using them to get you drinks or whatever it is you girls do... that's not right.

Isn't that what those girls do? They manipulate men, get absolutely wasted, stagger home or clamber into taxi's, lose all their money or are convinced they did when really you spent it all the night before you stupid idiot! Argh! Why would you want to do that?!

Wouldn't you rather not getting blitzed? Save some money, give the men a little respect, respecting yourself more importantly, just don't give everyone the impression that this is the way you want to spend your life. It's not an atractive look.
Well, maybe it is an atractive look. All of the That Girls that I know never have any trouble bagging themselves a man for the night. I'd rather not just have a guy for the night though, pointless, meaningless. All he wants is a one night stand, no thank you to a man that never wants to see me again, you either get the whole of me or none.

I'll never be That Girl because I don't agree with the morals of That Girl. I don't know how Those Girls do it, I'd never be happy with myself. But, it's just not my scene.

Relationships? Yeah?

Be my best friend and I can bitch to you about all the guys that have screwed me over and all the ones I let slip through my fingers.
Be my boyfriend and I can let you walk all over me or try and crush you first.
Be both, and you're something brand new.

Be my best friend and take me out for a coffee and around for some window shopping.
Be my boyfriend and let me choose a movie even though it's the worst place to chat and catch up.
Be both, and you're a bizarre combination.

Be my friend and ask me how I am and tell me how you are and what's going on.
Be my boyfriend and smother me with your love and affection until I crack.
Be both, and I might explode.

With Heather Cameron, there is no happy medium.

I'm not comfortable with the fact that someone 'likes' me. I'll also be absolutely raging when I found out they don't think I am God's gift to men. I will never be pleased. Think you can win me over? Guess again. Men are not to be trusted!

You have to be;

1. Fun, full of exciting things to do, places to go.
2. Impulsive, it's a must.
3. Talkative, conversation is a big thing to me.
4. Arguementative, it's the main way I communicate.
5. Interesting, I've met many a boring man in my time and it's no fun hearing the same things over and over and over...
6. 'Brand New', in the sense that you can keep me on my toes, always not knowing what to expect next... I have a tendancy to get bored you see.

So, there you have it, a bunch of things you should be if you want a chance. I am one of the most difficult people I know. Slightly... unpredictable? And stuborn. I can't be won over easily. I almost forgot, "You only get one shot at the title", so use it wisely! If i've wasted my time on you once, there's a very slim chance of me wasting time on you again. You can try to persuade me, tell me it's worth another go, but I'm hard to convince. By the way, I will not let anyone tell me what to do.

Also, I'm a confused little girl. I don't nkow how to express my feeling properly. This is not only a problem for you but it's a big problem for me! I hate giving off the wrong impression but I can't stand thinking people can just read me like a book. I'm difficult, self centered and oblivious to the world around me. I can't decide what's best for me but I usually choose the worst option. I like to think I'm capable of anything. You'll eventually realise that, in reality, I'm nothing new. I realised that, I'm doing everything I can to prevent people like you from noticing. Doing a good job, don't you think?

So there you have it, the little guide of How To Deal With Heather. You can't win... is the basic message. There's nothing you can do right. I will pick at your flaws and break you down, piece by piece. "I am single but have a force field around my big enough to take over the world". I'm going to block you all out. I can't have a boyfriend, sorry.

Just convince me, yeah? It'll be tough. But surely, if you manage to, I'll realise that it might be worth letting my guard down for a while.

Flamboyant.

You live in a world of excess
where more is more and less is much less
A day without fame is a waste
and a question of need is a question of taste

You're so flamboyant
the way you look
It gets you so much attention
Your sole employment
is getting more
You want police intervention
You're so flamboyant
the way you live
You really care that they stare
And the press deployment
is always there
It's what you do for enjoyment

You live in a time of decay
when the worth of a man
is how much he can play
Every day
all the public must know
where you are, what you do
'cause your life is a show and

You're so flamboyant
the way you live
and it's not even so flamboyant
It's like a drug
you use to give your life meaning
You're so flamboyant
The way you look
It gets you so much attention
Your sole employment
Is getting more
You want police intervention

Every actor needs an audience
Every action is a performance
It all takes courage
You know it
Just crossing the street
well, it's almost heroic
You're so flamboyant...

There you are at another preview
In a pose the artist and you
To look so loudmay be considered tacky
Collectors wear black clothes by Issey Miyake

You're so flamboyant
the way you look
It gets you so much attention
Your sole employment
is getting more
You want police intervention
You're so flamboyant
The way you live
You really care that they stare
And the press deployment
is always there
It's what you do for enjoyment

You're so flamboyant
You're so flamboyant

Sweetness.

Sweetness I was only joking when I said

I'd like to smash every tooth in your head.

Oh sweetness, sweetness I was only joking when I said

by rights you should be bludgeoned in your bed.

I do this thing, right, where I throw people off. I do this thing, yeah, I tell people I hate them because I want them to try for me. I do this other thing, 'kay, I make people think I'm really fun and interesting but really I am just moderately fun.


I do this other thing, which I'm sure alot of you can relate to, where I have found someone that could be a potential target so I have befriended them... therefor in the process entering that 'friend zone'. How sucky is it in there? The only positive is that you can imagine all the ways it wouldn't work between you two, because it'd just be too weird.

Imagine seeing people that way, but for every person you met. Every girl/guy you seen in the town and you thought "they look like fun". Then you start to list everything that could potentially go wrong between you two. It's a horrible point of view but it keeps me safe.

We Live This Way.

This blog idea was influenced by a fellow blogger. Not someone I know at all, just one I found through a friend of a friend of a friend... If you want to go have a sneeky wee look, his user name is "benkaye8t4". In the blog of his that I read he brought up the idea that people take pictures of themselves to post them on social networks, gain comments and attract other people, pressumabley of the prefered sex.

He's obviously correct, but I think it's more to do with self confidence. The taking a picture, then editing it a bit, tweeking it, shoving it all over the internet then spamming the bulletin boards with 'PC4PC comment my new dp bitches!' (assuming you actually get comments on the photo, the internet can be a nasty place and might want to leave you out)... It's all a big confindence boost.

Having a picture that looks great is excellent. It's even better when it's of you! But you know it;s really not you. It's make up and lighting and editing an black and white... Take all that off, and you're left with ugly.

To me, having pictures of myself makes me feel better about myself for about 10 minutes. After that, they all start chipping away at my confidence. It's worse when you get people telling you how woooneerful the picture looks. You don't look wonderful, the picture does. What you've done with it is great, but you're not.

Msn Has Astounded Me Again!

There's an article up today that has advertiements by match dot com all around it, "Find a date today!" and all the rest of it. The article today is the top things you shouldn't tell your boyfriend or guy you're interested in, these are...

1. You don't exercise
2. You are useless with money
3. You diet constantly
4. Your previous relationships
5. Your chocoholism
6. Your beauty routine
7. Your ditziest remarks
8. Your vital statistics
9. Your crush on his friend

... I'm left with hardly anything to talk about! I can't tell him about how I get upset and go through big slabs of chocolate within the hour? It's a bit late anyway, everyone already knows. The world also knows I don't exercise, ofcourse, I walk every day (almost) weither it's in town or a proper walk, I do still move...

Now, I can't talk about my blonde moments. "Guys like a girl with a brain.", I do have a brain, I can get involved in intelectual conversations. I'd just rather not, I enjoy talking about the simple things. Why would I want to pretend to be smart, whcih is very difficult for a blonde, to impress the guy? Wouldn't he then fall for smart-Heather? He wouldn't like me for me. My blonde moments are the best! The time I asked one of my close mates, Mel, if her name was short for Melanie... even though her name is melissa and I've known her for almost 4 years. The time I pointed to a door and sait, "Dude! Where do you think it goes?", right above it was a sign that read TOILET. It's a conversation point, and in my opinion, conversation is essential!

What else can I not do... Tell him I am useless with money. He will know that already as it is the main reason I will cancel on him. I have no job and parents that are pissed off alot of the time. We're not the richest of people, judge me on that and I'll chop your head off.

I understand not telling him about my "vital statistics", sizes ect. That's just a self respect thing in my opinion, I'm not a girl that believes everyone should know the sizes of my body. I have no problem telling you, I am happy with my body, I just know that boys like to brag to their mates about girls. Men.

Don't tell him about your ex's. Oops! That's one thing I make a habit out of. When we walk through glasgow, it's "oh, that guy used to fancy me, and I got off with him, and he was my boyfriend for a while..." but ateast I'm being honest, right? He's gonna find out sooner or later anyway, seeing as half of my friends are my ex's and the whole of Glasgow is just one big dating agency for me.

Basically, I think everything the writers have put is complete and utter balls. I can't get away with saying anything anymore! If a guy can't like me for my dumb remarks, countless ex boyfriends, money problems, fad diets and eating habits... well he can get fucked, really. I shouldn't have to change for anyone. And no guy has ever covered up anything about himself to be before... I hope.

I Can't Do This.

How did I manage it before? How did I contain my crazy?

I've had a taste of better things and now I can't think of anything else. I don't like what we have. What does it say on my myspace? You "make me happy"... what a lie! Completely. I wasn't supposed to feel crap the other day, but I did, because of you. I was meant to go home a happy chappy. That's how this is meant to work, or so I've been told.

"Can't you see that I'm losing my marbles, it's marvelous, losing another. I am no good for you, I'm seeing ghosts in everything I do."

This is not your fault. Far from it. Apparently it's not mine either... Although it clearly is. Ah! I just can't understand why I am incapable of having fun with you. I had fun with him. It was casual before but now I'm being pressured into spending time with you. And because I'm being pressured, I'm being a dick and not having fun. It's this whole "don't tell me what to do" thing, because you want me to give you my attention, I'm not going to do it.

I don't want this. I don't think you;re really that happy either. I'm sorry, I'm a fucking nutcase and you're fallen into my web, but I'm gonna set you free instead of devouring you. I don't know what I was thinking. Too fast, maybe?

19 minutes.

Left to write a blog because I know there's a few people out there that take the time to read these... I have a rediculous amount of respect for them too.

Girlfriends.

I don't understand why I have to be a girlfriend... It's the same as the idea of being married to someone. Why do you need to make it exclusive? Why should I need to prove to other people that I have feelings for someone? Why should I have to prove to that person that I will commit to them?

Really, let's be honest, the only person we're trying to convince is ourselves.
I've never agree'd with marraige, let's check dictionary dot com again;
–noun
1.
the social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, etc.
Doesn't that make you cringe slightly? Why can't people carry on as they are, instead of having to flaunt their so called 'love' in the faces of lonely hearts? We've just been told it's the done thing, you meet someone, you end up "in a relationship" (another thing I don't understand, why can't you just spend time with each other and be friends, because that's all you'll end up anyway when it's over or by the time you're 70...), get married, pop out a few children and be happy.

Is it only because couples reach a certain stage in their life when they've done it all and the only thing left to do is get married? If so, they're doing it for all the wrong reasons. Then again, what are the right reasons? "Because they love each other, silly" all the movies are telling me. I can't get my head around why you would want to tie yourself down to something as life changing as that. 9 minutes left.

All of this makes it clear why I can't keep a relationship for more than a month or two; I don't like being held down. Maybe it's because I'm convinced I am heading for bigger, better things... Maybe it's because the word "commitment" scares the living day lights out of me? Maybe I should stop trying to be like a guy when it comes to relationships, my life in general, and start acting my gender.

I act like the boy, pulling your pigtails and teasing you when really I think you're pretty awesome. I don't know why I do it, I never will know. It must have something to do with my fear of being percieved as Dependant. I'm not dependant. Look at me, I just exsume rays of Fuck You, Get Lost and other insulting phrases. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean to come off like this but that's just the way I am. Deal with it? If I can then everyone else can.

On a completely irrelivant note;
I just played through half of the Panic At The Disco albums and I got the best feeling in the world. It's given me goosebumps.

4 minutes to spare. Eh, Jamie, I did pretty well I think!

The Girl You Lost To Cocaine.

It's a song, go check it out;
Sia - The Girl You Lost To Cocaine, from Some People Have Real Problems. She's an excellent song writer. Listen to the song Breathe Me, it will tear you apart, it's just that good. The track name from my blog title seemed rather influential.

Me and Jamie (dude, you just got a mention!) briefly discussed it today, I say it as if you know what I'm talking about, ofcourse you don't have a clue. I am going to be famous, it's written in the stars, it is my fate. I'm going to die, that's more certain that anything, but I'm choosing my death.

By the title, I do not mean that I am going to become a cocaine addict, don't you worry yourself! The song isn't actually about that anyway, it's quite the opposite, it's about how someone else was on cocaine and they lost her. So, haha.

I'm not an ordinary person, I deserve to have a brilliant life because I am something so extrordinary it makes me invincible. According to the dictionary;
in⋅vin⋅ci⋅ble 
/ɪnˈvɪnsəbəl/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [in-vin-suh-buhl]
–adjective
1. incapable of being conquered, defeated, or subdued.
2. insuperable; insurmountable: invincible difficulties.
That's how the song The Girl You Lost To Cocaine makes me feel. In vin ci ble. I feel invincible alot of the time, on top of the world. I really do believe I am made for big things. Heather Cameron, "Delilah Debonair" up in lights, all the best clothes, a handful of expensive cars and a group of people that will drive for me. I truely feel that I am meant for better things. I am just a wonderful person.

I'm perfect for fame, I have a personality that you just can't forget, I make sure of it. And I'm just what the media needs, a motherfucking breath of fresh air! I'd attempt to be a good influence... I just want the easy life.

But to be honest, I can't get noticed. I'm just another try hard really. I'm sure there's loads of people that have the exact idea as me and no talent what so ever... we're all in the same boat. But all I need is one shot at the title and I'm on it. It's never going to happen though. I'm just going to end up as another number, in a mediocre job with a mediocre life, always thinking "what if?"

What if? What if I hit the big time? What if I earned a rediculous amount of money for being excellent? What if I got to drink with the stars? What if I was your idol because I look fabulous? What if I was no longer seen as just Heather Cameron, but instead Liala Diamond? What if that was me? If it was... I'd have achieved everything I have ever wanted. I'd put my past behind me and only ever talk about it on chat shows, "Liala Diamonds traumatic life story", telling tales of young love, drink, drugs and rock & roll. I'd be allowed to put everything in a box and hide it all and create a new life.

Everything would be all fun and games, no responsibility for Liala Diamond, Delilah Debonair. Leading my fabulous-as-fuck lifestyle. Being front page for getting wrecked the night before and falling out of a taxi, flashing my knickers on the red carpet, rumours everywhere of my meetings with men... I can't wait!

This Story Is Getting Old.

"You guys are like chalk and cheese."

6 months left... half a year makes it sound longer than it actually is. It's gonna fly by and before I know it she'll be gone. I said to my Dad when I got in on saturday, "She's only got another 6 months or less" and he just, rather bluntly, replied; "You're gonna miss her."... as if I didn't know that already. I don't think I've been as terrified before in my life! I usually just put these kind of things to the back of my head. I can't with this though. I've delt with people leaving me before and it's left me a bit of a mess.

When people leave me, I call Charlotte and she talks me out of being an idiot and makes me realise there's more to life. Who will I call when Charlotte goes? I don't just want a replacement. No one will be able to fill her place in my life, she wont leave my memory. When I grow up, if she's not back, I'll tell all my new friends about how when I was 14 I met this girl and she turned me into this weirdo that I am today and I cound't be happier.

Charlotte's realism brings me back down to earth when I'm away with the fairies with my head in the clouds. She's the kind of sister I'd kill for and the best friend I'm lucky to have.

You're always saying bebo top friends means nothing, and to me it doesn't. But I know that she is my top friend in life.

I'm not going to drag this on any longer because it's all been said before. I love Charlotte because she's my best friend and is always there for me.

The Bubble Will Burst.

"He's half in love with Elizabeth, and he's half in love with you."

You're the reason I will assume every man I meet is a wanker before actually giving him the chance to prove me wrong. You could never just tell it to me straight, you were constantly lying. I know you think I'm too dumb to realise that it was all a charade... But remember how you would always tell me how smart I am? I'm starting to believe it, more than you'll ever know.

It's your fault I can't see past anyone elses niceness. You were always nice to me, and I realise now that it was all just a clever little plan. You're not evil, I know that, it probably makes sense to you but it seems like madness to me. You broke me down. I hope you're happy with what you achieved. I'll forever see a polite gesture as a ploy to hurt me. Thanks alot.

But guess what; I know lots of people. I know people that don't see me as a potention target, a posibility to be hurt. They're nice guys.

Atleast I can say I'm still friends with all my ex's. I can say "let's stay friends" and mean it. How can you live with yourself knowing that the girl you're with right now, who actually worships the ground you walk on (I don't know why), will one day hate you? 'Cause she will. My ex's like me. I can talk to them.

I am stronger, because of you but no thanks will go to you. I may be stronger now and that might be excellent... but I am also terrifying. I can tell almost all guys I aproach see me as this man hating she-devil, because that's what you've made me. Well done.

Dude!

Right, imagine this; I like this guy and he likes me... How awesome is that? How cool is my 'boyfriend'? He's so cool. Ah, I hate being this happy!

Young Love.

"tell me have you seen the boy I met just once before."

So, I am forgetting everything from now on. The past is exactly that, it's past, no longer important to me. Guess what I'm looking forward to? The future. What's to come? Phone numbers, rain and sun, holidays, new friends. I love meeting new people, it's something that comes all inclusive with that "future" package I recieved. I chucked my Past in the bin, it was getting old.

I can't wait for tomorrow. I havent seen "Barlatoni" in a whole week. He well fancies me. Actually, for all I know, he might not... he might just be rediculously polite. Haha, I amuse myself sometimes.
No, I think he's 'swell'. He doesn't mind my crazy, yet. I accidently did that thing where I start sounding like I'm married to him and taking everything he says in the wrong context. He didn't mind. I've never been asked to go to the cinema before, something to look forward to (cause I love the future).

I can't wait for life to pick itself up again.

Losing Grip.

The picture says it all.

On first meeting me you would probbaly find out I am 'still' a virgin, shock horror I know, I'm very open about things like that. You can either come to the conclusion that I'm 'still' a virgin because I'm fridgid or I'm actually a man or I'm a "dick tease" or I'm a nun or I've never had a boyfriend in my life or... The list is endless.

Don't get me wrong, I could if i wanted to. I know lots of man-slags that would jump at the chance of a one night stand, pointless fun... But I make it clear that I'm not in for that sort of fun. And don't get me wrong, I've had my fair share of boyfriends, I've been in the dating game since I was 14 and I'm not leaving. Also, I'm not a "dick tease" as I so bluntly put it, I let guys know by blatantly telling them I'm not that kind of girl. I'm not a nun, I'm not religous at all. I am not a man... end of. I'm not exactly fridgid... I just... well yeah, I am a bit.

Being a virgin also lets every single man out there know I don't sleep around. It says "this girl has self respect."

I'm proud.

"10 failsafe ways to get your man"...

I love the msn home page, it always articles I'm interested in. Today, it's an article on dating & personal. Keeping with the dating theme I was on in the last blog, I've came up with this mess! As the title suggests, it's tips and pointers to keeping the guy you like interested...

1. Make an effort.


2. Play it cool-ish.


3. Let him keep his friends.


4. Look fabulous.


5. Let his mates fancy you.


6. Schmooze his mother.


7. Be nice to his kids.


8. Don't share his interests.


9. Don't move in through the back door.


10. Be honest.

This doesn't make much sense without the rest of the infromation it gives after each point, so to see the rest of the article... http://dating.uk.msn.com/matchscene/article.aspx?articleid=10235&TrackingID=523984&BannerID=568010&GT1=60750&ocid=today There's a big nasty link for you!

Number one is all about going out of your way for him... Now, if you're not with the guy yet, will it not look a bit needy and a bit weird if you start making meals for him or buying him things? I know if I came home to a man in my house and a dinner for two I'd be a bit freaked out. I'd also be mega happy that Someone's cokked for me! But I'd be a little creeped out he was in my house. The needy look isn't one I find attractive.

Playing it coolish, something I do very well! But as the article says, if you play it too cool the 'man' starts to think you're not interested. I've never been one for openly showing affection towards anyone as anyone that knows me will tell you. I know you're not to be too affectionate because "Men have in-built ‘back-off-she’s-after-a-husband’ antennae" and after a while of being around a man I start to plan out our whole life in my head... but don't tell them that, it scares them away.

"Let him keep his friends" is the same as keeping it cool in my opinion, it goes on about giving him space. I can do that. Not every woman can, I understand that. It's all well and good when he's with the boys but then you start hearing about when he was out with *insert sluts name here* and it becomes a problem. One day I'll become one of those awesome girlfriends that doesn't mind you coming home at 4 in the morning and having to look after you while you vomit everywhere... but right nowthat's not me. I don't want a guy to put me before his friends, God no, but I'd like to see him save some time for me.
It also mentions "This demonstrates that you have confidence, an attractive quality in a girl."... I have that, by the way!

Look fabulous? 'Lipgloss rules'. I tend to try doing that, going out of my way when I know theres a special boy going to be there on a saturday, I can't help it. But it gets me down! Having to get properly ready and looking good just for him. He'll be really let down when he realises that underneath all those face products I actually look like a druggie in rehab.

I think when they say 'Let his mates fancy you' they don't mean it in the sense that I, as a 17 year old, would take it. People fancying people at my age is something we take very seriously. Generally, having his mates thing you're a bit fit is for the best, atleast that way they wont slag him off for liking you.

Meeting mothers is something I just don't do, sorry! I'll leave that for when I'm older yes. The same goes with 'Be nice to his kids"... if he has kids I should be staying the hell away from him! Mothers and kids are for people over the age of 20. Oh God, that's only three years away! All the same, mother and kids are a no-go zone for Heather Cameron.

"Don't share his interests" is something I can whole heartily agree with. It is trying too hard, or atleast it comes off that way. Someone that's constantly agreeing with you can become repetative. It always gives me the impression that who ever it is has no real personality and is a bit dull. It's nice having someone that shares the same views as you, but it's better being able to have a good debate about it!

Number 9 is something I'm too young to know about... although I do have a tendancy to try and steal their clothes...

Finally, number 10 goes on about leaving him if he isn't right for you. Obviously, I can't disagree with this! All I know is that when I'm with someone that doesn't interest me anymore, I become unhappy. I remember Alan said to me that I need to put myself before anyone else and think about my happiness... within the next 5 minutes of saying that I dumped him. I became unhappy with him and he made me realise that shouldn't be with him just to keep him happy. I wasn't keeping him happy anyway, he knew there was something wrong and me being unhappy made him worry and therefor made him unhappy too. I was 'taking one for the team' in dumping him.

The overall conclusion is that this article has its highs and lows... but everyone's different when it comes to relationships. All I know is that we all have one thing in common, we're not the best at them.

Relatioships.

I mean, what the hell?
Let's ask wiki!...

"Love is any of a number of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection[1] and attachment. The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure to intense interpersonal attraction. The word love is both a verb and a noun. Love is not a single feeling but an emotion built from two or more feelings. Anything vital to us creates more than one feeling, and we also have feelings about our feelings (and thoughts about our feelings)[1]. This diversity of uses and meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states.

As an abstract concept, love usually refers to a deep, ineffable feeling of tenderly caring for another person. Even this limited conception of love, however, encompasses a wealth of different feelings, from the passionate desire and intimacy of romantic love to the nonsexual emotional closeness of familial and platonic love[2] to the profound oneness or devotion of religious love.[3] Love in its various forms acts as a major facilitator of interpersonal relationships and, owing to its central psychological importance, is one of the most common themes in the creative arts."

..you catch that?

There are a few kind of relationships, in my opinion.
There's those ones that only last a few days,the pointless fun ones. They're fun for the first couple of days, where it's all "should I hold his hand? is it okay to kiss him goodbye?", loads of fun and butterflies and late night texts. But after those two days, you realise it's not going to last and you dump him. Those are great, in my opinion. You get to meet someone, spend days with them, then realise how much you dislike them.

There are those month+ ones, can last from a couple of months to almost a year. From experience, they're all well and good up untill near the end. It gets messy and ugly and there are fall outs. I'm not a big fan of those ones.

Some people manage to last for over a year! I'd love to be able to do that. I'm sure that's a wonderful time for them really, being able to watch someone go through their life must be great. But spending so much time with the same person must make you start to hate them... picking at all their flaws. Maybe that's just me.

My speciality is "seeing" people. It's what I'm good at now, I've had my fair share of practice.

And, does anyone know who was the girl that did the cover of All I Wanna Do? I can't remember her name and it's itching away in my head, I know she had a silly second name though...