I Built You Up.

I can just as easily break you down.

You've been bitten by the Popularity Bug. No need to worry, it won't last long. It's like a hyper blue-bottle on my window ledge; it'll die eventually but I want it to have some sort of fun. You're a creation, my creation. I made you.

Cafeteria tables are alot more complicated that you think, you just haven't got the hang of it yet. One night with the Popular Kids has changed you, now you're at their table alot of the time. Your old table will forget about you if you don't go back. They were good to you, accepted you even though you are a mantal wreck. Those Popular Ones are only speaking to you because you're a house to stay at when they get drunk.

Where was I when you were making mistakes, being disowned by your 'friends'? Right fucking here. Every step of the way, I have been here. New school, I helped, you came here and I made sure you knew where to go. I made sure you weren't alone. I made you.

They will toss you away when they realise what you're like. Darling, the novelty of you wares off after the first week. You know I'm one to keep, forever taking you back. They don't know you like I do. They haven't put up with you like I have, they'll realise that you're hard work, and they don't do the work. The kids that think they're cool, drinking at the weekend but still getting straight A's. Come back to us and come back to earth.

40th Blog Post.

"Oh I can’t look at you this morning
I should probably have a sign
That says ‘Leave "right now or quicker’
You’ve overstayed your time

Maybe I slept peaceful on your shoulder
Your arm warm around my side
But it’s different now, it’s morning
And I can’t face your smile

The second that I feel your safe hands
Reaching out for mine
I slip away and out of sight
You’ve overstayed your time"



I don't think I am made to be in a relationship, ever. I can't seem to hold my interests in one person at a time or one person for longer than a few weeks. I can't be that nice lovely pretty making-you-look-good girlfriend... I do appologise! I don't think it is entirely my fault. Boys/Men must play a big part in this? It's been suggested that I am afraid of relationships. I think it's something else...

Noun
Singular; commitment
Plural; commitments
commitment (plural commitments)
1. The act or an instance of committing, putting in charge, keeping, or trust, especially:

• The act of sending a legislative bill to committee for review
  
• Official consignment sending a person to prison or a mental health institution

2. Promise or agreement to do something in the future, especially:

• Assuming a financial obligation at a future date
  

3. Being bound emotionally/intellectually to a course of action or to another person/other persons.
4. Perpetration, in a negative manner, as in a crime or mistake.
5. State of being pledged or engaged.
6. The trait of sincerity and focused purpose.
7. The act of being locked away, such as in an institution for the mentally ill or jail.

I think it's that, that word up there, 'commitment'. I spend a long time with one? person I start to pick at their flaws, allt he annoying little things they do, subconsiously. I don't need that. That feeling like crap because you've started to hate the one thing you love.

This 'love' thing, over rated. But the aftermath of it all sure does make good writing.

I Know For Sure.

I may have been drunk last night but I know for sure that I was speaking my mind and I meant what I said.

Last night I went to sleep with a big cheesey grin. You know how myspace quiz's always say "did you go to sleep smiling?", I'm always a bit confused about that question... But now I can say that I have. If Charlotte had looked at me she probably have thought I'd been eaten by the Cheshire Cat. I was just so, so happy! It'd been a generally good day, I had fun and seen plently of people. It would have been just as good if I hadn't seen anyone because I knew I was going to spend the day with Charlotte.

I love Charlotte with all my heart. She's the only friend that's been able to put up with me, the only friend I've been able to keep for years without falling out with. The only friend that knows what I'm thinking abd has the balls to tell me. The only person that knows what's good for me and can tell me without being too scared of hurting my feelings. Charlotte is the only person in the world I think I could die for. Charlotte is the only person I can be truely honest with. I can speak to her about whatever is on my mind without worrying about how crazy I sound. She's the only person that knows that I don't need to be understood. She's the only person for me.

Charlotte's the only person that I've been really worried about losing. She wont be leaving for another good few months but I realised this a few weeks ago and I've been freaking out ever since. Me without Charlotte? That's unthinkable. No more Big Tits and Blondie? There are so many things we still need to do together. Anyone else I've lost, I haven't lost forever but it's still not the same. I don't want to settle for "not the same" between us. I will not settle for any less than "bebo number one top friend best friends sleepovers included".

When I'm older and I have a friend that I go to coffee with, she'll say to me how great we are together and that we're best friends, and you know what I'll say? I'll tell her all about my best friend Charlotte and how no one, not even her, will be half as good to me as she was.

Charlotte's my Big Sister, even though she's younger than me I feel like she's always looking out for me like a sister would. She's a mum to me in the way that she makes sure I'm okay and when I'm feeling confused she sorts out all my head mess. She's a friend to me in the way that I know she's always there, just a call away.

Charlotte, I love you one more that you could ever imagine even if you were on drugs. More that words. I'll always look back on us and be happy, but I can look ahead and be happier because we've got a whole life time to be utterly fabulous.

"NutCase".

A few days ago I was in Helensbrugh Central listening to some radio. I ended up sitting beside a woman in a raincoat. I took out my headphones because I thought she had asked me what time it was or when the next train is. She hadn't asked me anything at all, she had been having a little natter with herself.

I was sitting on the 5.40 train home from Helensburgh Central on the way home, I'd been at Gabbys'. I went onto the last carradge so I wouldn't have to buy a ticket. You can hardly blame me, £1something for a 3 minute journey. Rediculous. On the last carradge were two men. I'm guessing one of them had a mental dissorder... seeing as he was screaming all the way. I don't mean just shouting at the other guy or anything, he was screaming at the top of his lungs. He kept shouting random words and just screaming. He wouldn't stop. Almost everyone on the train was a bit freaked out.

Made me think; what on earth were going through their heads?
Woman talking to herself, someone in her head must have been talking back. I wonder what they were talking about. Was it a nice person talking back to her? What if it wasn't... and he/she was abusing her.
What was going on in that mans head? What was he seeing or hearing? Why was he screaming so much? It must have been something really scary. I don't like the idea of him seeing things no one else can.

I Can't Understand.

I will always be a boys best friend. It was what I wanted, to be 'one of the boys'. I didn't want them to think they had to be gentlemanly around me.

I was never going to be anything more. You led me to believe that everything would be perfect. When presented with the option of Girl A and Girl B, you chose A because I now realise; I Will Always Be Second Best. Being second to her isn't bad at all. She is a wonderful girl and absolutely beautiful. But that will always be the case, there will always be another girl.

I am the girl that wants to give you advice on your new girlfriend and help you through the relationship, but please don't treat me like you can walk all over me.

Pointless post.

Ha ha ha.

The Picture seems apropriate right now. I think today proves that when a man makes a mistake every woman that knows about it will turn on him.

"Revenge is a dish best served cold." I've never wanted something more than this. You have reached a new level of low. To lead on so many people and get away with it... I can't help but think you are an evil genius!

You are getting all you deserve, but this will last forever. Every woman you meet will be told what you're like. I can pre warn them. You will never be happy again for the rest of your life, as long as I'm around.

What you did, I don't care. The fact that you thought you could lead me on nd get away with it... Well, now, you know me so well, you should have known that I will never let you live this down. You will never be trusted by another girl for eternity!

I really thought you meant it, this time. Why did I hall for it? Why did any of us fall for it?
Because you knew we would and you used that power. You evil genius.

A Beautiful Mess.

And then it happened. I'm not too sure if I wanted it to go this way, to be honest. This is so much messier than I expected. I didn't think I'd play a big part in it either. I'm starting to question if it was all really worth it? Is he worth it?

I started writing an appology to her last night, not that I'm ever going to give it to her, explaining that I didn't mean for it to end this way. I didn't, honestly. I know I've said really sour things before but I think that was just the way he was making me. I became something new and ugly. Really just an embarrassment, now that I think about it. I was acting really petty.

As much as he means to me, I feel worse for her than him. I am a woman, I nkow how she feels. I should really have told her before, seeing as she did ask me if he had cheated and I lied to her... but she understands it wasn't my place to say.

I hope he understands this wasn't all my fault. I'm not pointing the finger or anything, but it's definetly not in my direction, wherever it goes. I was just a constant in this, I could have been anyone. It was bound to happen by some point, right? I don't understand why he's being so upset and sad... He brought this upon himself.

I don't know what to do.

Say You Were Me.

"Does that scare you? Ill let you run away
But your heart will not oblige you
Youll remember me like a melody
Yeah, Ill haunt the world inside you
And my big secret - gonna win you over
Slow like honey, heavy with mood"

It is all your fault. I hate acting like this vindictive little bitch, but you make me like this! I am not usually a jelous person but just remembering about you... it drives me up the wall. It shouldn't matter really, you've already won this battle, technically. You have what we're fighting for and you'll be keeping him close. You may have him with you, but I have his heart. I know what he's like, I know him inside out, I know everything. You... you've got nothing on me.

You're just a replacement. A temporary me. So be it, a skinnier, prettier, girlier version of me. But you know what I have? I have personality, I'm origional, I'm one of a kind! And he knows that, he sees that in me, he get's my quirkiness and deals with my swings. You are just another number. Another indie new rave whatever the fuck you want to be called kind of girls, with your stupid music and your hair. You're the opposite to me in so many ways but I guess that makes you better. Better in what ways? You're sane. Mentally stable. Not so obsessive. I am that crazy fuck that was left behind and still chasing. I am the other girl. I am nothing now.

It's this power, it's your fault. You've fueled me up, winding me up. Turning me into this thing. This thing filled with hate and taking it out on you. It's not your fault at all, but at the same time, it is! You've not done anything wrong, it's just your exsistance as a whole just angers me.

But to you, I am the enemy. I am the other girl. I am the competition. I am the winner, or atleast I am winning. I've got so much you haven't. I'm forbidden fruit, he knows he can't have me and I know it wont happen and that's what makes him want more. You, you don't have that. There's nothing forbidden about you. He can get a piece of you whenever he wants. I'm the one he really wants though. I know it, I can tell. Everything about the relationship we have just... I know it.

You're better for him than me. I want you to look after him. But I warn you, I will get him.

Gonna Use My Imagination.

"cause I gonna make you see

Theres nobody else here

No one like me

Im special, so special

I gotta have some of your attention

Give it to me!"

So, the man of my dreas didn't come back to me. He's obviously just another typical man! I'll always be settling for second best, these days. This sounds like a horrible start to a blog, doesn't it? So let's explain. The new man, he's eeeexactly what I want but as per usual; it's too good to be true. He has a girlfriend and he has done for about 8 months now. How upsetting is that?! I will try my best to make him realise that I am Gods gift!

It wont work, obviously. I dn't think boyfriends are for me anyway. I only ever treat them badly. I think the reason I dumped alot of my boyfriends was only because I felt that they deserved better. Alot of the time I was right too. Someone that makes an effort to see you and you're not putting in any effort at all? They definetly deserve someone better.

I like being the Ex Girlfriend, there's something about that title that threatens all new girlfriends and makes me feel superior! And she, the New Girlfriend, will get worried and start thinking he will dump her. Obviously, I am not a boyfriend stealer, but having that power... excellent. I like being the Ex Girlfriend because the New Girlfriend can talk to me about him. I don't have to be close to her but she always knows that she can speak to me in confidence. 'Cause who would know better than someone that has been there and done him? I mean, that.

I don't find other Ex Girlfriends intimidating. They probably have the same ideas as I do, to frighten off any new girls... but alot of the time they just look pathetic. Maybe that's how I look? I am friends with each and every signle one of my ex boyfriends. I'm better friends with them since going out with them. I tried to explain that to my Mum last night, while watching the comotion with the boy and the girl on Big Brother being accused of having feelings for each other when really they're just good friends. My Mum can't quite get her head around it, I don't see why not though. For two people to have had a relationship like that and make it through all the bad times can only make them stornger, make their relationship stronger.

This blog is slowly developing into something beautiful. I never intended to change the subject but alas... such is life!
I'm getting new hair tomorrow, I will put up pictures as soon as.

The Man Of My Dreams.

I mean that in literal terms, by the way, he was a man and he was in my dreams and by gum was he dreamy! Oh, I can't really remember him that well... who ever he was. But he was tall abd had short blonde hair and lived in a flat somewhere far away. And we were madly in love. We were in a car coming back somewhere too, and we ended up in helensburgh just along from the old school and I had to leave... and I got rather upset.



Is that not funny? A man i have never met, a man who's name I don't even know, I miss? I miss a man that I don't know. I can't even remember what he sounded like, I can't remember his face. I can't even remember what he was wearing. Maybe I'll get lucky and he will come back, he will visit in my dreams and we'll go on day trips and to the cinema in my head. Maybe we'll move in together, in my head, and get a dog and a car and I'll be famous, in my head.



He was nice, I think. He wasn't annoyingly nice, wasn't too controlling. From what time we spent together he seemed like a wonderful guy. Do you think he's real? I wonder. Maybe this is how de ja vu works, and I'll meet this guy in a flat and we won't have to live it all out in my head.
But that's imposible.
I wouldn't half mind finding him again and asking him who he is. Next time he pops into my head, I'm going to ask him. That's if I don't forget and he decides that today we're going to have a pic-nic or a candle lit dinner or... You get the picture.

He was the perfect guy and from now on I won't be able to be with anyone without compairing them to this imaginary man that most likely doesn't exsist. And all the boys in the world will think; "well, she's a nutter, ain't she?".

Seriously, What Is The Point?

"you're a sight for sore eyes!"

Orange flavoured jelly is better than strawberry. The strawberry is slightly sickly and it's difficult to get through a whole tub (even though the tubs are tiny!), but the orange is nice and light and zingy! I could easily have more.

There was a point to this... Ah, yes; you can't just do that! People, please, you can't just chose to be angry at me because I haven't shown up for a couple days of school. Maybe you have my best interests in mind but my God! There's no need to make your point by being off with me and deliberatly trying to make me feel aweful. You trying to make me guilty will only make me want to do the oposite, you should know that by now.

Why, Chris, are you doing this? Why, Sarah, are you doing this? Why, the lot of you, are you doing this?! I don't know if you're trying to have some sort of joke, maybe you are, but it's not even funny. Do not see my point of view? I don't know what to do right now and neither would you in my position. The one thing I can do is hide from it all and that's what I'm doing.

You's do not make things any easier. What kind of idea did you have? What kind of friend are you trying to be? I would never try to make you's lot feel like crap the way you's are. Seriosuly, cut the crap please? Cause I'm not putting up with it for much longer.

It's Better; To Think Of Others.

"there's something about the way you do the things you do

and when you do the things you do it's got me oh, oh

don't need no Maybelline 'cause you a beauty queen

don't need to L'oriel 'cause bitch yo' bad as hell

if I'm Casinova, then you're a supernova

girl, that's what you do to me,

you've got me saying 'damn girl, you're so fine.' "

See, I think I'd be better off as a lesbian. Don't you? I'm sure that, if i tried, I could attract more women that men to myself. I'm sure a female companion would last longer and it'd be well sexy! I'm such a man when it comes to relationships, which is a pitty really. I like to hold and not to be held (which isn't right because I'm always the shorter one), I prefer to do things for other people instead of them looking after me and tending to my every need, I need a penis... not a vagina! I think the first person I would hit on is Cleggie (bet she reads this and gets freaked out!), I don't mean that in a way that I am right now romantically interested in her... just that I have a sort of obsession with her where I think that absolutely everything she does is amazing and she should get a promotion to God.

It's weird how often I think about this, really. I'm sure the average woman doesn't think about this as much as I do. Do men think about this too? What things would be like if they find a partner of the of the same sex? Hmmm. I'm going to ask my male friends tomorrow and get back to you with that!

You know how I accuse my male friends of having "man crushes" on the other guys? Why does no one accuse the girls of fancying each other? What would you call that... "woman crush"? This is my first piece of writing of 09 and I feel it's a disapointment. I will shortly publish a post on the new year, I think. This is just another blog full of sentences put together with very little thought... I wish they would let me do this for a living.

Listen to Award Tour by A Tribe Called Quest.

It's Better; To Be Just Another Number.

Oh My God.

I hate you all! All girls, I can't help but hate most of you and I do feel terribley aweful about it. I don't understand why you do the things you do. There are very few of my gender that I can get along with now and I hate that.

Why have you all turned into these indie little things? All in your hats and silly coats, looking like you're spending the day in Top Shop. You multi-produced girls that can't generate a personality because you don't have the time. Too busy styling your hair to make it look natural...

Extra short post.

It's Better; To Think Ahead.

"She don't love me like you
she don't know what you do
and it's so hard."

Do you ever hear songs and think "man, I wish he/she would say that to me". I don't wish he'd say that, but if he said anything at all it'd be an improvement. I often do this with songs, pick out lines I like and list them on my myspace bulletins. It's like a secret little puzzle I'm sending out to everyone to see if they can figure it all out and present it to me. I'd love it if someone did aswell, presented my thought to me in an order than explained everything, so then I could know and shake the hand of the person that did it for me.

I was going to do this blog on my holiday blog but I thought I may as well just put it here.

I was in my Wee Granny Camerons house yesterday, christmas obviously, you can't not go see you're relatives on a day like the 25th! Every year we open our presents, get ready and head up to each house, first the Granny McLaren (Big Granny), then the Granny Camerons (Wee Granny). I watched my Wee Granny and Grandad and wondered, will I be the same when I'm that old? Will I have lots of children and grandchildren or will I only have a couple of children and a few grandchildren? Will I live in a small little council house in a dangerous part of town or will I have a big house that I will only use two out or a bazillion rooms and have to hire a cleaner to dust every room? Will I live with someone I've been married to (god, me, married?) for the majority of my life or will I live alone? Maybe I'll live with a friend for the company or I'll me re-married a thousand times and live with the current husband!

Whatever I do end up like, I just hope I'm as happy as either of my grandparents!
My Big Granny and Granda like to go on holiday as often as they can, they often have the family around at christmas and like to buy presents for the younger grandchildren, they like to keep in touch and phone their children and all that jazz, I'd like to be like them because I hope I'm that active and lively when I reach that age.

The Camerons don't go out alot, but that's because my Wee Granny is awefully ill. They stay in and watch telly alot, and the children and grandchildren come in and visit them whenever they're free. I see myself being like my Wee Granny when I'm older because I'm most likely going to become rather ill with the lifestyle I live. Not that I'd dislike that kind of like at that age, it's what would be best for me. I'll loose my marbles and need someone to look after me!

I just want there to be someone, but not anyone, to look after me.

It's Better; She Doesn't Know About Me.

I hate the way she speaks to me. She talks to me as if we've been friends for ages.
" i love u so much laura <<<< im not ur guy buddy lol<<<lol, i ent tlked to u in ages, how are u?, jake told me bout th od thing, hope ur ok"
Erm... we've spoken about two, three times before? It's like he's trying to politely rub her in my face. Or is she trying to politely rub it in that she has him? I don't want to talk to either of you! He's already fallen out with me, so why is she actually being nice to me?

I know he talks about me to her, she ever so slightly mentions things like "jake said you weren't feeling well" or something like that. I'm not comfortable with the thought of him talking about me to 'laura'. I don't talk about him to anyone, when I do it's usually just a "jake said hi the other day" seeing as he doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

It's like the video for Cool by Gwen Stefani, except that I'm an angry man hating crazy killer axe lady.

I hate that she's so nice and lovely and pretty, it means I have no reason to hate her. She's actually taking an interest in me and my life. But why? Why is she hacking into her boyfriends msn account and asking me about me overdose and my christmas? I wonder if she knows that I used to imagine what would have happened what life would be like if i killed him? Haha. She shouldn't know that.

It's Better; For Me To Take The Advice That I Give.

"I have told all of my ememies very politely to go home."

I am lucky to have some of the worlds best friends.

It's Better; To Be Broken That To Break.

"if you need a shoulder; mine is here

and i love you

and no one can tell you what to do

roses and diamonds can never take the place

of your face.

I hope you never hesitate to wonder why."

I don't want anyone to know what happens in my head. "We'll try not to say goodbye". I could imagine that one day I'll be sent off to one of those head doctors. I'll get to lie on a big comfy chair and he/she'll ask me to talk away about my childhood or something, and obviously I'd tell them all about what I think. Then he/she'd tell me that they're going to give me some pills or that I need to go to a special place or some shit like that. ¬_¬

I actually got scared at the thought of that. Slightly embarrassed at the idea of someone knowing how my mind works. You'd all realise I'm a lunatic! That I shouldn't be allowed outside. You'd all find out what a nutter I am. Cause "i'm a fucking weirdo."

I hope you all read this in ten years time and go "shit, heather was actually being serious then", cause I know you all think I'm just doing it for the attention and the thrills.
Ah, if only you knew.

Lesbo; it's a girl thing.

And to the left you will see what the next best version of "what the hell" looks like. She comes equipt with confusion and the common cold.

"Tell me this is not for real, please tell me this is not for real."

I've been thinking for the past day, not really that long; just last night, that maybe I should try girls for a change. Thoughts? As daft as it may seem, I think it's perfectly reasonable. I hate men. I hate them with a passion, i despise them. They're horrible and I'll avoid relationships with them for as long as I can.

Maybe not full on lesbianism, if that's what you call it. I want to find someone that understands me, be it a man or a woman. Just a person that understands me, knows what I'm on about. No one quite understands what's going on in and out of my head and I want them to. I want a person. I don't like boys and I don't like girls. I have no preferance, but it's so much easier to say "I'm straight" rather than explain my insanity. I want to find someone that's good for me.

I'm only young aswell. I wish things would be a bit less confusing and more clear to me. I'm sure that no one else gets this way. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm constantly taking out my frustration on people and they don't know what I'm on about. I think maybe I should spend less time shouting and more time explaining. I just don't want you all to know what a freak I am, cause I know what you'd think if I explained my way of thinking to you.

I want to be a boy. With a big man penis! And no vagina, all man.
Men don't have to deal with their monthly cycle. Men don't have to deal with getting emotional all the time for no specific reason. And men get to go out with all the girls. Men don't have to fuss to much about what they wear or how they look, they just chose to. Mens clothes are comfier.

"i've been the needle and the thread, weaving figure eights and circles around your head, i try to laugh but cry instead, patiently wait to hear the words you've never said. fumbling through your dresser drawer, forgot what i was looking for, try to quide me in the right direction. making use of all this time, keeping everything inside, close my eyes and listen to you crying."

I'm such a miserable wreck these days. Maybe it's because it's near christmas, maybe it's because I can't do anything seriously. Can you tell I'm in that frame of mind? I wish things would make themself clear. If if I had that someone to understand me, that someone I mentioned I'd like, they could help me. Maybe I just need help?

Maybe I'm to proud to go looking for help though.

Women; diet and dye-it.

Pah! I can't stand them. I'm upset that I'm one myself.

"give in or just give up."

I was in english and we have to do a persuasive peice of writing. These things are starting to come easily for me, lucky me, I can think up an essay within the lesson. We were asked to come up with a few ideas for our arguementative/persuasive essay, one of them was "size zero" and other ones were along the lines of that, media stress and all those things. Now, ofcourse, everyone thinks that it is the media's fault for women having low self esteems and feeling that they have to live up to the expectations of what they see in magazines... Blah blah, you know the story, you've heard Gok Wan tell them how it is.

Think about it though, the media are only doing what they're being paid to do, you can hardly blame them! Women shouldn't be so bloody insecure about themselves, they shouldn't let stupid fucks on the tv tell them how to look. They shouldn't be going on stupid diets that the famous people are on. They're famous for fucking over their bodies. Women are only vistims to this pressure because they're letting themselves be.

I'm only buying all there hair and face products because they make me feel good. Not because I feel bad about myself and want to look as good at the girls in the magazines; it's imposible. They're unhealthily skinny.

I hate women, you should all learn from men.

Scream.

"With such confusion don't it make you wanna scream
Your bash abusin' victimize within the scheme
You find your pleasure scandalizin' every lie
Oh father, please have mercy ?cause I just can?t take it
Stop pressurin? me
Just stop pressurin' me
Stop pressurin' me
Make me wanna scream"

Do we see ourselves differently? Rather than from everyone elses perspective? It confuses me, makes me angry too!

Today I was sitting with Martin and Courtney, talking about the Christmas Dance; a ritual of which I will not be joining in. Bless them though, trying to encourage us to take part in school activities, I apreciate the thought. Courtney, in reply to me saying that I don't have a dress, said that she would lend me one of hers. I almost laughed. Not that I don't like Courtneys dresses, I've never seen them! Just the idea of me fitting into a Courtney sized dress amused me. She may be small, but she's not that much smaller than me.It'd be a tight squeeze, that's all.

I am not unhappy with my weight, it's nothing noticable. So I have a rediculously large posterior and love handles, so what? I don't mind and I'm sure most people don't. But everyone does this weird thing where they think that you are skinnier than you actually are, they must see you differently to the way you see yourself? Boggles my mind!

I know my body better than anyone else. I'm the only person that's seen my body properly. I know all of my flaws. I know what size of trouser I am and what size of top. I know that your clothes will not fit my thunder theighs and Jamie Sized Butt.

Pain.

"Don't you just hate toothache?

The last time I had it, my tooth got pulled out... I'm not going to the dentist this time! And that reminds me, how crap is ibuprofen? I've had atleast 7 today already and not one of them has worked. See eating? Pain in the arse. I can't get another tooth out, I'm not even sure what tooth it is that hurts, it's just the left side of my mouth in general...

That's me just poped my 7th of 8th ibuprofen. I'd be worried about an overdose if I felt that they were actually working but they're blatantly not. Trying to fool me with their pills that look like tic tacs and taste like tic tacs."

I wrote this on Monday night, the next day I was throwing up.

Take it from me, don't try to over dose, count your pills, and only buy expensive painkillers.

Haha. A Pointless Ramble.

I was just blog reading, looked at a few blogs by some people that liked the band Pasion Pit because I somehow ended up on their pages. One blog said;

"Somewhere in the process of becoming a real person, one must realize that if she does not love herself, then she will not love anything, and will not be able to feel the love that others have for her."

I hear that kind of thing all the time! "You can't love anyone else if you do not love yourself", "if you don't love yourself, who will?" and all the rest of it. What a load of rubbish, honestly, how does that work?

I am the vainest person I know. I love myself more than anyone else in the world. I'm the only person in the world that I truely love, so really these silly theories don't work, do they?

In my opinion, I think it's the complete opposite. You need to not love yourself to love others, more love to give then, surely. If you love yourself, how could you possibly make room for anyone else? You're far too good for anyone and you don't need them. You're brilliant.

What is it about you boys? I wish you just knew what you want, that way I could know exactly what I can get. I hate it what you's lot do to me, make me all shakey and excited over nothing, it only ever hurts when I come back to realityyy.

That's Life.

That's what all the people say. Flying high in April, shot down in May.

Oh my goodness, there's got to be more to life that this. Right now all that there is is... coffee. It just seems like such a waste of time. I'm not going to end up doing anything that I've planned, I never do. Nothing ever goes to the plans I've set, really. It's all a big joke really;

"We got to that age when you discover what an appaling hoax life has been. Just a bad joke, we both agreed. End-of-the-pier-stuff. You're born, you fall in love, you suffer and then you die" - from Murder Most Fab

End of the pier stuff. I was talking to Hopper about it today actually, there were kids down staris in the Library and I was saying that they're so so cute. I don't want to have children, ever. I say it all the time. But they're just so cute and wonderful and lovely, how can you not have one? That's something I'll be missing out on if I don't get knocked up; joys of bringing up someone that is yours. I don't want to get married either, that I can live with though. But I'd like to have a wedding, that's something I really want to do; wear a big white dress and make someone really happy (assuming they;d be happy with me!). But alas, I'm letting, making myself miss out on something fantastic.

"this love foolosophy is killing previous illusions I had in my mind about you."

Life is a bit of a hoax really, if you think about it. The most depressing though I have ever had was that we go to school, primary, secondary and then further education and all for one reason; money. To get a job and earn money. How sad is that? All just for money. Really got me thinking and I didn't like that (another blonde trait that I have). Isn't a nice thought, makes me feel as if life is a waste, more so than I previously thought.

As much as I love to 'live life to the full', making my to do list and all that, this rubbish just makes me feel that there's so so much to bring us down. Responsibility being a big one, one that I'm just not going to be able to keep a grip of. Oh, life after school is going to be such a let down! As I said before, nothing will go to plan because as I've stated everywhere on every social networking page I have; I want too much.

Blonde.

"If you want my body and you think I'm sexy, come on sugar, let me know."

Being blonde is hard work. I hate being what people expect me to be, but I'm expected to be ditsy and dumb and all of the rest of it. Alot of the time I am all of these things, I fail exams and I have no common sense. I forget things alot and I think out loud. I speak before I think most of the time and I look silly almost all of the time. I hate that.

That's why I'd love to be the one on the train that's reading a book, a big book with lots of long fancy words and be able to understand them. Or go for coffee with a newspaper of a briefcase. I'd like to be a tall blonde that wears glasses and shirts, even when she's just kicking about the house.

But that's so not me, and I'd not like to think I was trying to be something I'm not, so let's keep to the normal Heather. But sometimes I can't help but try and prove you all wrong, it's a natural habit for me really. I don't think that I'm anything that you would expect though, probably trying to hard, but I'm always changing and moving forward with whatever's going on around me.

I was born blonde ans I'll always be blonde.

Delirious.

This is an official apology to anyone that I have flipped at the past month or two. So pretty much Bogle and you lot, sorry!

I've been getting really edgy whenever people touch me and hug me and that, and I'm honest-to-god really sorry but I can't stand it when you all crowd around me to see what's wrong when I'm perfectly fine and capable of looking after myself. I hate feeling like that, people touching me and being really close and surounding me, it really makes me feel kind of ill! I'll let you know if i need a wee cuddle or anything, I wont need one for a long time, life is fine right now, I'm in the midst of writing my to do list for life.
Wanna hear some of it?

• Get more metal; me and Hopper are going to have an epic time with this list, me and Him are going on a journey of metal and my next addition to the list.
• Ink; me and Hopper are going to get scribbled on, him more so that me... I'm only in it for the banter!
• Bungee jumping; alot of people want to do this one with me so I'd like to make it a group activity, bagsy not going first!
• Sky diving; something for the whole family! I'd really like to get my family involved in actually, I know my Mum would never agree to it (because she hates heights) but it'd be a good experience for us.
• Mud wrestling; not with a bunch of naked women, even though Jamie says that's how everyone has to do it. This is something for me and Chris, both of us in bikini's obviously!
• Art; silly things like those classes you can go to, those classes. I'd like to go to one of those ones with the naked people and everyone staring at them, aaaand I'd like to go make some pottery with those spining table things and the water.
• Gigs; I want to follow a band for a while, probably the Foo's knowing me. I need to see Jamiroquai obviously, and The Mighty Boosh for a few years running. I'd kill to see David Guetta also.
• Party; I'll move into my own place eventually (just me, no one will be able to put up with me!) and I will throw the best parties with the best people because I am destined for...
• Fame; I want to be famous. Simple, for being me.
• Portugal and Teneriffe; two seperate holidays for me and the boys and friends. To go para-gliding again and go other fun things like climb some stuff.
• Exersize*spelling; climb those big wall things and join a gym and eat healthily and do silly things like diet and all that rubbish.

These will not get done, but it's nice to dream, isn't it?

Get Your Vote On!

The sheets have been handed out for the Yearbook Awards, "the who's who of the what's what...", the categories are;

• Cutest Couple
• Couple That Should Have Been
• Most Unlikely Couple
• Double Trouble
• Best Looking Boy/Girl
• Best Bum (girl and boy)
• Funniest Boy/Girl
• Pimp
• Pimpette
• Mr & Ms Popular
• They Are Just Too Smart
• Drama Queen
• Teachers Pet
• Teacher Of The Year
• He & She Has A NICE Body!
• Musician Of The Year
• Sports Personality Of The Year
• Bad Boi & Gurll
• Unluckiest Person
• Shameless
• Hero!

There's one award I have left out, this award belongs to me! It is, ofcourse, "I Love Me Award".
I'm using this blog to explain to everyone I know why I should get this award. There's only one reason; I am in love with myself! I take many a picture of myself because I am just that vain. On my old bebo pfofile I had & albums of pictures of just me, that's like 300 and something pictures of myself on bebo alone, imagine the amount that just sits on my computer.

Vote for me, because I am really happy with myself :).

Shortest Blog.

"Somebody said all the worlds is stage,

And each of us is a player.

That’s what I’ve been tryin to tell you.

In Act 1 I was struggling to survive.

Nobody wanted my action dead or alive.

Act 2, I hit the big time.

And bodies be all up on my behind.

And I can’t help myself because I was born to shine.

And if you don’t like it, you can shove it.

But you don’t like it, you love it.

So I’ll be up here in a rage,

’Til they bring the curtain down on the stage."

I just think these lyrics are important to me, they say alot to me really. Only because I believe the exact same as they thought. I wish fame would hurry up and find me. I wish I could hurry up and audition for Big Brother and get in. I wish for too much and I need to be more realistic and think about what I'm really going to do with my life.

Isn't It Funny.

I just started listening to Dan Le Sac vs. Scroobius Pip - The Beat That My Heart Skipped, it reminds me of all the parties that have been this year. I like how you associate things with times, my Paris Hilton perfume gives me a funny feeling when I wear it because I went through a month of wearing it but I haven't yet figured out when that was... But yes, The Beat That My Heart Skipped was the party anthem for us lot, "bom bom bom bady ba, bady bady ba dom ba dom bom bom"?

Parties are very important to me as socialising is something that comes top on my important list. I need to sort ot my important list, it goes something like;

• Socialising
• Clothes, Make up and Generally looking my best
• Food
• Internet

And the rest just happens. My life has never been in an order, something to do with my 'living in the moment' idea and the fact that I'm too lazy to sort it all out. I'm so lazy. It's getting quite rediculous really.

How am I going to get anywhere in life if I stick to this "you can do it instead" kind of thinking? I'll get nowhere. All I want though is to just doddle along and do things at my own pace.

Have I told you about all the things I want to do? Like bungee jumping and going to Portugal and all that... Silly things really, I should be worrying about my life as it is and the life ahead of me. It's never been in my nature to worry though, even when It was the last day to finish our art folios, me and Sarah just sat there and relaxed with not a care in the world. I got a C... maybe I should of cared?

How To Be Happy.

I'm reading a web page, first thing that comes up when you type "be happy" into Google (the second being the song) and it's making alot of good points, such as;

• Say what you mean and mean what you say. Honesty really is the best policy.


• Be politely assertive. Say how you feel and explain what you want. Friends and colleagues can't be mind readers.


• Give lots of compliments. You will make others feel good about themselves and find that this gives you pleasure too.


• Give small gifts to your friends. To give is even more pleasurable than to receive.


• If you are a woman, get your hair done. This will always make you feel better about yourself.
  
• Stretch yourself geographically. Go to places you've never seen before. Even in your home town, try taking a different route than usual and notice the different locations that you've never seen before.

These are some of the things I think I would do if I found myself really depressed and in need of a lift! Say what I mean, be polite, try and give a few compliments, give my friends something nice, get my hair done and go places. So, when I've completely lost my marbles and escaped from my secret little place you should know that you can find me at the hair dressers looking for places to go on holiday.

Some of the advice that this site gives, I think, sounds like a load of nonsence...

• One way of dealing with a difficult problem is to imagine how you will feel about that problem next week, next month, next year. Now try to bring those feelings into the present. It will give you a sense of perspective. Problems rarely look so formidable in retrospect.

I wouldn't like to do this if I was really not happy, because I'm sure all I'd be able to imagine is things becoming worse and me living out of a cardboard box and getting beat up... or something along those lines.

It also says;

• If you're down, remember it could be a lot worse. If you need reminding, read "Still Me" by Christopher Reeve (quadriplegic) or "The Diving Bell And The Butterfly" by Jean-Dominique Baulby (locked-in syndrome)

If I'm upset, I am not going to take a few days out of my what seems 'pointless life' to read a couple of books. How will it help? I will have read; big fucking deal!

It also says I should;

• More importantly than anything else, live with a partner whom you love and respect and who feels the same about you. Kiss and cuddle and compliment often and regularly buy unexpected little gifts.
  
• When you're old enough and in a steady relationship, have a son or a daughter. Tell them often how much you love and admire him/her and do anything to help him/her.
  
• Have a cat or a dog. Stroke often.
  
• Keep in close touch with relatives and a small circle of friends. You can't beat their love and support.

Okay okay, slow down the train here. I do believe this site is now telling be that, for me to be happy, I need to find someone I love and live with them, kiss them and cuddle them all the time, get up the duff and tell my child how awesome they are, get some pets?! And lastly, make sure I don't lose touch with my family and keep an active social life. That last statement is the only one I think I can agree with.

Some people enjoy their own company and do not need anyone else to make them happy. Myself, I know I do not need to be in a relationship to be happy and I certainly don't need the hastle of seeing them every day. I need to have children?! That was thing I was set on not doing! All kids would do is spend my money and get me stressed. Animals in the house... that is just an instant mess, poop and pee, hair everywhere, and again, they cost money. Most people move out to avoid their parents, why would you go and seek contact with them? They dragged you down for so long!

One thing that I think is awefully blunt is;

• Conversely, if there is a person in your life who is a negative influence and who is dragging you down in some way, don't be afraid to get remove such a person from your life.

I have a few negative friends, getting rid of them mearly to keep myself happy would just be selfish and mean! Imagine how they'd feel? It might send them into a pit of depression, and imagine if they came to this stupid site for advice, they'd end up killing themselves. I don't want my friends to die, I'm not going to leave them for my benifit.

http://www.rogerdarlington.me.uk/Happy.html
Go and look at the site for yourself.
The site makes a point of saying that these are not instructions, they are just suggestions but then says, I quote!
"However, if you try out all these suggestions and you're still not happy, you're either an android or an alien. In the former case, see an electronics engineer - or watch "Blade Runner". In the latter case, go home to your own planet and tell your people that we humans will survive."... I find this rather insulting to be perfectly honest. Imagine being really unhappy and reading that, would push you off the edge!

I have decided that to be happy, all I need is myself. If I lose myself, I am in big trouble.

For Your Benifit.

After the last blog, I thought it might be safe to say that I broadcasted some un neccessary information and now I realise that it wasn't needed but I think I should be able to say some things without regretting them shortly after.

Seeing as I don't regret anything in my life I'm not going to be worried about what people will think of the idea of self harm ect ect. What do I think abotu it? It's not bad. Ironically enough, I think that as long as you're being safe, it's fine. I love it when someone says "i've been cutting myself" everyone freaks out and tells them to stop. Take a chill pill, obviously they've only told you because they crave attention, why else did they tell you? They haven't asked for help to stop and really, only they can stop.

I didn't do it as an attention thing, I get plenty of attention. Mine was a more of a control thing. At that time in my life, when I was being young and stupid, I felt that everything else was out of my control and I had nothing that was mine. This I could control, without anyone interfiering.

Eventually they did, my parents found out and asked me to stop, and I did because it wasn't a very good idea in the first place; my life isn't bad enough for me to be moaning about it.

I'd just like to explain to everyone before they ask; I am not depressed, I am not going to die because of the 'silly' things I have done. I'm perfectly sane and it doesn't effect me as a human being. Bet you half the people you know have given it a bash in their time, and it's always the ones you least expect.

Once Bitten.

"when you say you love me like that

I'm sorry if I don't say it back

some things don't change

and I still feel the same" - still feel the same, Kinkane.

I wanted to explain a little more about me for the benifit of me, no one else. Things seem so much bettter once I've typed them out or written them down, I think it helps me arrange things in my head and understand what I'm actually saying. So let's get Heather, cut her open and slice her up!

A simple girl, in the complicated sense.
Heather has lived in a small place called Helensburgh for a staggering 16 years, soon to be 17. She is, you guessed it, almost 17 years of age. She has done her fair share or bad things, smoking, drinking, self harm, truency, shop lifting, lying and other many silly things. She still does alot of silly things, you can't stop her even if you have her best interests at mind. She's a compulsive liar, see, she honestly cannot help it, alot of the time she doesn't realise she's doing it. She only does bad things because really she's just trying to act out. Don't tell her that, she doesn't think it's because she's acting out but her Mum says so.

Heather's not only done bad you know, she can be good. She likes to help out at her Mums work, a primary school. She doesn't kill people, that's good... Heather's not about being good, she's about living for the moment and doing what makes you happy! So no regrets, do what she does; get lots of boyfriends, get hurt alot, make yourself stronger, go paragliding.

Heather likes alot of simple things, sitting on the grass when it's nice and all that jazz, that's good. She enjoys keeping an active social life, as her Mum has said, "I'd love to be one of your friends, then I'd get the best christmas presents ever". Heather really wants to go bungee jumping and other thrill seaking kind of things. She has never been on a proper roller coaster.

Heather can be a little bit out of sorts sometimes. She also gets into aweful bad moods. She just has good days and bad days. Sometimes she comes off a little crazy and weird, she can't help it sometimes. She's partial to headaches and the common cold.

Heather's put on her myspace, "all i really need is me" because Heather think's she is a big independant girl that can fend for herself and doesn't need your help. She is guite dependant but thats because she likes to deal with things by herself, probably why she turned to self harm those times. She's learned now to talk about things and use places like myspace and here to write about things that are getting her down. Long ago, when things got her down she would write on paper about it and put it in a box. She had to get two boxes to fit all of these bits of paper. Every now and then she takes a few minutes to get thse boxes and re-read everything she has in them.

Heather and love?
Heather doesn't believe in love, she's never properly felt it so it obviously must not exsist. Heather is sick of chasing boys around so she isn't gonig to do that anymore. Heather isn't into relationships.

Heather has a few bad habits, the obvious are that she bites her nails. Not only does she bite them but she also bites all the way around her fingers, so she has really ugly hands. When other people are eating she tends to tell them how ugly and smelly their food is, then apologise because she's realised what she's doing.

Heather just loves to argue, it's something that she's passionate about. She can scream the face off of anyone. Being loud and speaking fast are two things that she really enjoys doing. She's also passionate about working with children, and will most likely go into school work later on in life.

You now know more about Heather than you did before, I can promise you. Heather never does tell anyone the whole truth, so be happy that every now and then a wonderful blog like this pops into exsistance and your wonderful selves get to idugle on the Heather Cameron goodness.

It's Saucey!

I can only try and be saucey.

Today we realised that Heather Cameron cannot be sexy, saucey or seductive. Writing this while the song I'm listining no says "makin' out, getting better and better, makin' out, back seats getting wetter, makin' out, i think i'll take off my sweater" seems rather ironic. Point being, I dont think, act, or feel sexy!

I can't do it, I can't turn you on! I can't turn myself into this sex crazed machine! I'm not sexually inclined, I can't be sexy for no reason, I have no reason to be saucey. If i try to be seductive I just look silly. Imagine me rubbing up against you like "yeeeeaaah, you want a piece of thiiis?", silly, isn't it?

It's not because I don't have any confidence... I'm full of the stuff, I'm one of the most confident people we know. I'm happy with the way I look too. More than happy, I think I look great.

I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I hate that whole sexy thing, the same way I hate it when people are cute, I dont want them being sexy either. I wouldn't like a relationship that is based on us being sexy and getting all sexy and what not. I wouldn't like a relatioship right now, to be honest.

I'm really bad at being a teenage girl. I'm meant to think far too much about what I eat, wear and all that, I'm meant to chase after all of those boys and jump in bed with them and have awesome parties.
I'm just having awesome parties.

"What A Fool Believes

He sees, no wise man has the power"

On my diet of jelly and sugary drinks, I'm feeling the need for something a bit more and right now I think that is a big fat plate of chips. Weither or not I actually do, I believe, is up to fate!

My name is Heather Cameron and I am a big believer of fate.
Don't question it, what's the point? I basically think that what happens, happens for a reason. So let it go, some bitch slaps you across the face, its cool, it was meant to happen. This is where my other strong belief ties in, karma! That bitch slapped you cause you did something bad, what goes around comes around, and the balance is sorted!

I believe I cause a cold because it was fate, I needed a few days off from school to chill and kick back for a while. During these few days I have appeared to have lost my appetite and I am not living on a wonderful diet of jelly tubs and sugary juice, as I mentioned briefly before. Now, I see this as a lovely trick played by fate, thinking that they can punish me by making sure I can't eat, one thing I love doing. Well fate, suck on this, you couldn't be more wrong! I'm loving this, the weight loss should be excellent and surely this is rather cheap? It's all for the better.

But it's taking it's toll, I feel faint and I get the shakes alot. This really gets in the way with school and social life.

Tonight I'm going to go out and have a huge plate of big fattening chips. Even if i throw up, I dont care, because I need the energy! I need substantial amounts of food again. I'm starting to get sick of not getting hungry. Jelly is starting to become sickening too, and that makes me sad...

Girlfriends I Have Been.

"GIRLS WHO ARE BOYS
WHO LIKE BOYS TO BE GIRLS
WHO DO BOYS LIKE THEY'RE GIRLS
WHO DO GIRLS LIKE THEY'RE BOYS
ALWAYS SHOULD BE SOMEONE YOU REALLY LOVE" - Blur, Girls and Boys.

I am currently sitting at my computer with a tall mug of juice, popping painkillers because I have another one of my rediculous headaches that seem to be caused by living, an empty packet of crisps and a mobile phone for company. All of these put me in a great mood for the blog that I am about to write, "girlfriends I have been"... I'm sure you can guess how it is going to go?

Type of girlfriends I hate?
See those needy ones, the ones that are constantly attatched to their boyfriends... I've never liked them. I know it's cute and it's nice to feel needed, but surely a boy doesn't want you to be with him every breathing minute of the day?! Imagine someone following you all the time, talking to you non stop, linking your arm and all that. If someone was to do that to me, I'd need space to breathe, I'd start to feel a bit clostrophobic! I would not like to think that I am one of those girlfriends, that needs to constantly remind people who they are going out with by making it obvious. No need for clingyness here.

In my opinion, I'm more of the opposite of that. I am "the shit girlfriend". Avoiding the boy at all costs, leaching off of the boy, making the boy pay for things. In general, being very nasty. I'm probably subconsiously trying to push the boy away, or so it would seem. I don't mean to, to those of you who are reading this and thinking I am a horrible person, I do it subconsiously! I can't help it most times, which obviously makes me look bad. But think of it this way, I hate it when people give me compliments, I hate it when I feel needed, I hate it when people depend on me (only because I will most likely let them down), I don't particularly feel comfortable with the idea of someone wanting to spend time with me. I am not fishing for compliments, trust me, I don't want anyone to reply with "oooh but you're great, we want to spend time with you", I'm not fussed, I just can't really get my head around it. I'm sure many people get that feeling, right?

I'm not too keen on public displays of affection... But that falls under the same category as those clingy girls. Constantly flaunting your love about the place... There's no need, are you just trying to make the rest of us lonesome chaps jelous? Deliberately making feel like crap, yeah? Well cut it out! I don't like it and neither do alot of people... I think.

Nice to meet you, my name is Heather, consider me a human version of Match Dot Com, I have more fun couplingother people and watching the lovelyness I have created. I can get you a boyfriend but I can't seem to get one myself.

It Was Okay Today.

Today i didn't feel weird/uncomfortable.

I just have a thumping heaadache.

This week is Anti Bullying Week, so don't push people in the corridors or you will get bummed, leave it 'til next week at least. To encourage the new S1 not to bully or let bullying happen we helped them make kites. Don't ask me why, it makes no sense in my head either; making kites stops bullies? No. Helping S1 is one of the best things about school, for me atleast. There's something about a class full of bored pre-teens that makes me want to make them motivated and enthusiastic about a subject! They should be having fun at school without it being a chore.

Doing something that I love, for a whole day, made me happy! The S1's think I'm weird but that's okay, when they get to know me after a while they become more comfortable, as do I. I was having fun, not thinking about what else I could be doing.

See if I could just jump straight into a job, instead of having to go through all of the hastle, and end up a classroom/teachers assistant... that'd be excellent, exactly what I'm looking for really. I realise now that teaching is not something I would enjoy as much as being a classroom asistant. I don't want to order children around, telling them to sit and not move. The money, obviously, is better but I'd get alot more enjoyment from having children treating me as an equal, rather than them being scared of me.

I was happy doing this, but I can't do this all the time. Fags will just have to do in the mean time!

I got rid of my numb feeling for almost ten minutes.

I'd been alright for the period of time I'd spent in my house, which is always okay. Me at the computer with some salt and vinegar Walkers and a Boost bar; complete and utter bliss! At around about ten to six I left this comfortable enviroment to go out in the freezing cold and wait on Tim. As much as Tim annoys me sometimes, I forget why I actually do like him so much! As horrible as that sounds, I don't mean it in a nasty way. Tim came off the train, it was three minutes late; typical.

On the way I had a sneaky cigarette... I've quit for almost two weeks, for those of you who don't know me. The ten minutes it took me (i'm a slow smoker) to have that 'fag' were excellent. I've not felt half as good as that in a week or so. The first drag made me really, really happy. Oh, the way it hits the back of your throat! And that taste it leaves afterwards, as much as I used to hate it, I craved it! I don't want a cigarette right now, I don't need one either, but that feeling was great and I wont be able to go without that feeling. The whole "out of control" feeling was lost. I felt as if my feet were back on the ground, physically, and I chose the direction I was in.

The more I think about it, the more I realise that I could be a "control freak". I don't want to be controlling of people, so maybe I should keep this habit as a vent, my xomething to control.

Just a Thought,

I could do this for days!

If you know me at all, ouyay illway nowkay hattay i ontday riteway hesetay orfar ouryay enifitbay roay ymay enifitbay. I implysay riteway hemtay ecausebay i ancay. I ontday oday tiay otay akemay emay ooklay oolcay, i oday tiay ecause tiay ctsay say a entvay! Now that we've got that out of the way I shall carry on.

It's another one of those days. Today I tried explaining to a couple of my friends about this "out of control" feeling i mentioned before. It was when we were on the swings in James Street Park that i got it again. Don't confuse this with "out of body", because i don't see myself from another perspective or anything... It's more of a numb feeling, but my point is that i really don't like it! It's so hard to explain. So if those friends, that i was with today, read this; that's what i meant by "I feel funny...", okay?

It's one of the worst feeling in the world. Like a feeling of not belonging. I have been in places today that I definetly don't not belong (i know, double negative, but it's intentional!), so there's no reason for me to feel like this, surely?

"When the world is darker than i can understand,
When nothing turns out the way I planned,
When the sky turns grey and there's no end in sight,
When I can't sleep through the lonely night.
I turn to you, like a flower leaning toward the sun.
I turn to you 'cause you're the only one.
Who can turn me around when I'm upside down?
I turn to you. "

I'm probably just being far too much of a girl. Women seem to do this more than men, turn little tiny things into mountain sized deals! When really it is quite pointless, if you think about it... So what? Sometimes i feel funky! Sometimes I feel numb. Sometimes I feel as if I don't belong here. But this is all a rather big deal to me, I wa't my life to be just perfect. I'll be perfect when i'm famous!

Uncomfortable.

Right now things don't feel quite right.

Do you ever get that way? Where everything you do feels like a dream? I don't mean a dream like something you've always wanted, i mean a dream, like when you're asleep, something you can't control. It makes me feel slightly ill, this bizarre undescribable feeling. I feel slightly out of control. I've never seen myself as a control freek but maybe that's what i am lacking? Maybe i should be more controlling? Maybe i should stop asking for advice from a keyboard.

Things just don't feel right, I must be doing something wrong! I can tell that this isn't the way things should be, something has to change. I do not feel happy, content at the moment. I'm missing something, i need motivation. I wouldn't mind finding something to do, something i'm good at, but all i want to do is be young!

I want to go paragliding again and go bungee jumping and sleep for a week straight and get really drunk for a weekend and have a big sleepover and not have to go to school... I want to be famous. It's the solution to all of my problems! It's easy money, money is obviously the main problem, i'd get the attention i needed, i'd meet loads of new people. If i could have anything, it'd be fame...

We never get what we want though, do we? Hardly ever. But right now I'm feeling so bizarre, all because the things i have aren't the things i should be working for.